When I was a kid I used to hear you listening to music.

Sad songs, love songs, songs that made you miss grandpa....

Sometimes up-beat songs, fun songs, songs that let you forget it all...

...but then, by the end of the night, sad songs, love songs, songs that made you miss grandpa!

I never got it...

Just stop the music - I would think.

Stop the music, stop the memory, stop the sadness, and you will be fine.

But I was a child - what did I know.

Now, you are gone...

and I play Sad Songs, Love Songs, Songs that make me miss my Grandma...

Sometimes I play up-beat songs, fun songs, songs that let me forget it all...

...but then, every so often, I play sad songs, love songs, songs that make me miss my grandma!

Sometimes I burst into tears, eye water and snot mixing, lump in throat, chest hurting, everything around me stopped as I sob from a deep private place inside of me...

My son (your Great Grandson who you love so much and helped me raise) comes rushing in...wanting to know if I'm okay...I try feverishly to wipe away the tears but they keep pouring out...

"I just miss my Grandma" I say, threw choked words.

He looks helpless, "It's okay" he says patting me on the back...he walks over, and turns off the music!

"I don't know why you listen to these songs...it always makes you...like this..."

He doesn't understand...

...and I am so deeply grateful that he doesn't understand...

...only when life breaks your heart in the deepest of ways...

...when you loose someone who is closer than close...

...can you understand why on earth you would keep the music playing...

It's never been about the song - though, thank God for those songs;

It's about the feelings, the moments, the memories...

and the incredible way that MUSIC bottles emotions, and brings us back to a time when our loved one was right in front of us; with us!

It is the connection that music lets us feel with those we loved so deeply, and who have passed on...

Now I know why you played your music. 

Now I know how deeply you missed grandpa.

I'm so glad you protected me for as long as you did.

You let me remain naive, even though it meant that you remained miss understood; because you knew that in that sense, ignorance was truly bliss, and you would wish nothing less than bliss upon me.

I will do the same for my child. 

Keeping him blissful for as long as life allows me to.

Allowing him to shake his head at me as I continue to play my music...for YOU <3

I love you so much grandma, and I miss you very deeply.

Thank you for everything you ever did for me - I understand so much more now my Queen <3

I remember getting these dolls for Christmas. I remember seeing my sister's big walking doll and really, really wanting it :-). I'm in the middle, looking so darn cute, about 4 or 5 years old. 

My mom always made a big deal about Christmas. The tree was always lit with many colourful lights, tinsel and bulbs and homemade ornaments. The place was Christmas everywhere you looked. Presents were piled under the tree. My mom started to shop for Christmas in January.

I think that we were on Frichot St. when this pic was taken, but I can't quite remember. We all look so darn happy, and I guess that's all that matters.  

When I was a kid my uncle/brother Tim and I used to build snow men outside in the back yard in Allenbury (Toronto).

My grandma would watch from the window, and sometimes have hot chocolate waiting for us when we got in from the cold hard work of playing.

Tim always wanted our snow men to be BIG so we would roll and roll and roll until we had a massive head base and body. We would dress it up different every year, sometimes with knitted hats and scarfs my grandma would make, with carrots or sticks - but it was always fun and always such a cute snowman.

Every spring our snow man would melt and I would always miss it.

One year - I got the BRILLIANT idea to create a snow man that would NEVER EVER melt :)

I knew the key ingrediant to this plan was to keep it Top Secret.

I built a cute (VERY CUTE) little (VERY LITTLE) snow man. I loved him SO much. Then I stuck him in the freezer (way wayyyy at the back.) and every day I would visit him. He became my Lil Frosty - I had cracked the code and found a way to keep Lil Frosty alive all year round :)

Now - semi-annually (or so) I would hear my grandma say "Well, I think I'm gonna clean the feezer out tomorrow." Her need to schedule things and her slight issue with procrastination meant I had a day or two or three to find a spot for frosty.

We had a fridge and a deep freeze so if she was cleaning the fridge (including mini freezer) I would move Lil Frosty to the deep freeze; and if she was cleaning the 'Freezer' I would move him to the fridge - hide him in the back, and presto Lil Frosty Lives Forever :)

One day - while I was sleeping - I was woken by hearing my grandmother yell "Jesssiiiieeeee - I'm gonna kill you" which she never did ;) it was just a saying that meant I AM NOT HAPPY WITH YOU RIGHT NOW

I woke up, swollowed hard, and relized I forgot to move Lil Frosty back to the deep freeze after grandma cleaned it. Which means - he was in the fridge freezer (a much smaller hiding spot).

I ran down stairs "Grandma let me explain..." I pleaded

"Did you put a SNOWMAN in the FREEZER JESSIE????" my grandma was astonished and very unhappy...

"Well yes, grandma but please, he's my friend, let me explain"

"What I'm trying to figure out is HOW in the sam hell did you do it" grandma continued

"It's the bloody middle of Summer Jessie - has this been her since WINTER???" she was still clearly shocked.

"Ummm," I looked down - feet shuffling "well the thing is I've had Lil Frosty for almost two years, I made him not this winter but the winter before. He's my friend please let me keep him." I was hopefull...

"You mean to tell me you've been keeping a snow man in here for 2 YEARS Jessie? You can't do that"

"WHY" I interupted "He's not bothering anyone, you didn't know he was there"

"Well I know now" Grandma wasn't having it

I stood ademantly infront of the freezer - attempting to protect Lil Frosty's life.

Grandma sighed "Ok Jessie - two weeks. You can keep him two more weeks then you have to say good by. There are germs and stuff, you can't have that floating around in here. Plus I need the space. Two weeks and he goes"

I accepted it, and it was true I had not visited Lil Frosty in a while. I visited him everyday for two weeks, then we took him outside, and let him melt.

My grandma and I often joked about Lil Frosty and how my Top Secret Mission kept him alive for almost 2 long years - not bad for the life of a Snowman :)

RIP Grandma - say hi to Lil Frosty for me <3

by Jessica Lambert