hey papa i know that ive never done this write to you thing but thought id give it a try. i was so young when u passed i was to young to fully understand what was happening but deep down in my heart i knew that it was time to say good bye to you for a little while. i could have asked HIM for a little more time with you but then i wouldnt have cherished all the time that we had together. i wouldnt go back and change a thing about our relationship. i remember when i would go to work with mom and we would get subway for lunch and you would move my tomatoes and eat the part that didnt and after that thats all i would get at subway the same kind of sandwhich just wishing you would come and move my tomatoes thats all i wanted i would only eat that kind of sandwhich for 2 years. i wasnt ready to let you go even though it was time. i remember we would wash ur towtruck or pick up trash out of the yard and you would give me and owen money for it. i wish so much that you were here i wish you were here and i could give u a hug and say im 16 and im almost out of highschool. i know ur here but not physically not like i need u to be. i wish i could still smell you in ur clothes that i have of urs. i wish so many things and i know that they wont come true but doesnt mean i wont wish for them. i remember going to see u in the hospital and you wanted ur oranger dream pops we drove all over town to find you those pops and when we got there i couldnt help but cry and mom told me to go into the hall because u wouldnt like that i was crying so i went and tried but it didnt work i couldnt stop and the tears just kept coming   i remember sitting in the living room and you got mad cuze i was treating you like u were a baby and ur exact words were "im not a baby dont treat me like one!" i said "yes sir..." i remember when u passed daddy woke me up and i automatically knew u had said goodbye we got to the house and i sat in the yard with ur little yellow flower sprinkler and held it and cried every year we let ballons go in memory of u but i dont know if thats enough i just need my papa you were my last one and now i have none i will always love u and need u and miss u love u papa forever and always

Today would have been Benny's 50th Birthday. The relevence of this birthday and cause of death are so closely related.  Without having a family history of colon cancer, screenings do no begin until a patient is 50 years old. The survival rate for stage 1 colorectal cancer is 93%. But you have to catch it early on. If you have any symptoms you should visit a Gastroenterologist immediately for an exam. (see symptoms below)

For those of you who are related to Benny you need to make sure that you are mentioning this to your doctors as they need to be aware of your family history. I know that the idea of having a colonoscopy can be embarrasing fo a lot of people but I assure you that you would rather die of embarrassment than cancer. Benny's deteriorating health in his final 23 days is forever burned into my mind. It's something that I never want to experience and feel that it is important to educate others about. Let's not forget that there is a Mauck decendant that is currently battling this horrible disease. Don't be a fool and think that it can't happen to you. Because I have painful gastro problems I had my first colonoscopy this year. Thankfully it is only IBS. My brother has gastro problems as well and had his first colonoscopy last month. He now has confirmed Crohn's disease. Your problems may only be IBS or even Crohn's disease, but it may also be cancer. Please, get screened if you have any symptoms or if you are over 50. Let me let you in a secret: the preparation for the exam is the worst part. The fliud that you have drink is vile. But your completely knocked out for the whole procedure. You wake up in a recovery room and you don't even feel violated. Honestly! There is no pride to pick up off the floor, just your results and a day off of work. 

If any of you are interested in learning more or supporting the cause you can visit the Colon Cancer Coalition website. They have a 5K race that is worth joining when it comes near you to raise money. 

http://www.getyourrearingear.com/

Colorectal Cancer Symptoms include:

Changes in bowel movements, including persistent constipation or diarrhea, a feeling of not being able to empty the bowel completely, an urgency to move the bowels, rectal cramping, or rectal bleedingDark patches of blood in or on stool; or long, thin, "pencil stools"Abdominal discomfort or bloatingUnexplained fatigue, loss of appetite, and/or weight lossPelvic pain, which occurs at later stages of the disease

father daughter dance 04/15/2006 a snap shot in time that i will never forget

Words are hard to describe feelings, I have always been better with images. Yet writing down how much i miss you, Seems to give me more tranquility.

Writing to let you go, to give this all a place.  It will never heal, it will never go away, But just learning to give it time and space.

I can tell you how much i care, how much i would give to have you back in my life, But you know all of this and it won't change anything, that's what i am learning within time.

Writing to tell you how much i have learned, to show you that through fragility i have become a stronger person. More able to understand, more able to listen and to care.

Hurt through loss, I have become yet a wiser person

                                                      By Anne Harskamp

i still cant believe your gone now.. i sure miss you alot. i really do. i knw we had good and bad times but for the bads we had im srry for everything ive done to make you mad at me. and everytime i past that table in the hoouse that  you would chase around all the time i jus start to get a little teary eye. everywhere i go i jus got mermories of you. i knw i never called you dad but i knew you wanted me to. i never got to say bye to you or give u a kiss on your cheek or hug and thats wht hurts the most cuz god took you to early. i wish you were still here but your not. i wish we can all just go to the past right now and start new. every now and then ill cry for you to come. i knw im not doing good at writing a letter to you its just im starting to cry now cuz its still hard to still pics and to talk bout you.. i jus wish he didnt take you.. and remember the cat how she will always take off from you.. that was funny but she still loved you tho. i jus wish i can write more but its hard when im starting to cry right now.. seein you in the hospital was the most hardest thing ever.. well thanxs for being there ffor me and my mom and everyone else. i love you and miss you alot benny. plz take care up in heaven. plz let the angels and god protect you forever. u will always be in our hearts no matter wht. nothing can change that. plz be good and careful up there.

i won't say goodbye
so long, see ya around or later
i won't let this be the end
i won't face this reality
i'm not ready for this life
not without you in it
don't you tell us your goodbyes
someone else anyone else
but never ever yours
death doesn't fit you dad
it's just not your flavor
we'll tell them to change the prognosis
they'll tell us it was a mistake
you know doctors (another misdiagnosis)
remember Dad you can't forget your indistructible
this we will always believe
tell us you are still our guardian
that you'll still be living
please tell us daddy you'll always be are strongest friend
please say you'll never leave us
that youll be here till the end
please wake us up from this nightmare
and hold us till mornin
say I still love you and that you'll stay
our selfish side can't let you go
not this way

Matthew w/his Uncle Benny @ 6 month's Thanksgivng wknd 2009...XOXOXO

benny miss you alot. You were the best boss i ever worked for.The one thing that really stuck with me we worked a wreck it was my first wreck i wasn't sure what to do or where to be . it was a three car crash bus flipped over bodies on the side road closed for a couple hours You got a little frustrated with me. But at the end you walked up put your hand on my shoulder and said that's how we do it son .

I'm still having a hard time believing that you're gone. Maybe its the "denial phase", I don't know.

I wept for you yesterday. For you and those whose hearts were hurting, whose lives you've touched. For your father, who lost a child. For your siblings, who lost a brother. For your children, who lost their father. And for the rest of your family and friends whose hearts were aching oh so badly. I felt the heartache and the love of those of us who gathered to say our final farewells. I don't want to say goodbye. There is nothing good about it.

Our family seems so broken, and in more than one way. More than I ever could have imagined. There seems to be an emptiness, a hole, in my visions of the Mauck family. It hurts so much.

For those of you reading this, I'd like to share a few stories of my uncle that stick out in my mind. I was too much of a mess at the service to stand up and speak but behind the curtain of the internet I would like to share them with you.

I listened to many stories of Benny being a jokster and thought of the time, near the end of Benny's life, when he was sitting in his hospital bed after his surgery and finding out he had cancer. I had driven into Bakersfield with my mother and arrived at the hospital with a whirlwind of emotions. On the way down the hall to see my uncle for the first time since hearing the news, I braced myself for his mood. For I could not even imagine how his spirits could be. I didn't know what to expect from him. When I walked into the room he was sleeping so I made myself comfortable in the chair next to his bed. Within moments of waking up he had grabbed his back scratcher that he had in the room and playfully tried to beat me with it. His spirits had not been completely broken, that was my uncle Benny, playing around and joking with life.

During the memorial service I also heard stories about Benny's kindness, I too have a story about that. You see, I'm just his niece, and nothing more. Most families are not as close as mine and I am lucky to have had an uncle like Benny who would go out of his way to help his niece. I'm one of 14 of his nieces and nephews on the Mauck side of the family. In 2004 my husband deployed to Iraq and I was left alone in California to take care of our son while he was gone. We barely had a pot to piss in. My grandmother Stolle had a king size bed that she bought but hated and offered it to me. Of course I was not going to turn down a king size bed, frame and solid wood head board. But... I didn't know how to get it from Porterville to 29 Palms. Dun Dunanon!!! Benny to the rescue. Benny and Pam took time out of their lives to make one heck of a round trip (I'm sure the casinos along the way helped a bit too) just to bring me my new bed. I was so very grateful.

My last story about Benny is inspired by the comments that were made about Benny being a family man. A few short years ago Benny was at my house while my mom was in California visiting, which he always made time to come out and see her when she flew in. Anyways, if my memory is correct Benny bought us all pizza for dinner and while waiting for the driver to show up he pulled up some pictures on the internet of this "new truck" that he was excited about getting. He went on and on about the engine and the cab and how excited he was to go out east and get his new tow truck. Picture after picture we all peered over his shoulder and listen to him. When the time came for Benny to go out east, Tennessee?, and get his truck he was driving through Barstow (where I live) on the I-40 late in the afternoon. Benny called me from his cell phone to tell me that he was driving through town but it was late and he really wanted to get back to Bakersfield because he was so tired and wouldn't be able to stop by like he originally wanted to. You see, I live next to one of those tall walls that are supposed to block the noise from the highway. Well, I live where the I-40 and the I-15 merge together and the I-40 happens to merge down from a bridge which is higher than the wall. So, I can see all the traffic from the 40 just sitting in my back yard.... So when Benny called to tell me that he couldn't stop by he told me to go outside. So, I did. Within minutes here came this beautiful new tow truck with Benny in it honking his horn like crazy and waiving. He didn't have to do that. He could have snuck through town without a peep and I wouldn't have known the difference. But it felt good to know that even though he couldn't stop by, that he was thinking of me and went out of his way to make sure that I knew it was him rolling through town. I'll never forget that day.

I love you uncle Benny, Misty Gillham

My memory thoughts to my wonderful brother Benny:

You left us all to be in a better and pain free place. And to be the first of mom's six children to join her. They both left us at a very early age.

Benny you are so greatly missed and touched many lives while you were here with us. I have so many great memories of you and I growing up, which I will forever cherish in my heart.

You were always there to lean on or pick on, whichever the case would be. I could always count on your great advice or suffering with you sitting on me and poking me in the chest.

Your great sense of humor of talking like Donald Duck.

You helped me toughen up as a little girl so I could try... to get back at our older brothers and sister.

You were a great roommate in high school and the stories we could tell (but won't).

You will forever be in my heart. I miss you more than any words could ever describe.

Your forever loving sister and friend, sis