ForeverMissed
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Share a special moment from Bernadette's life.

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Your visit

August 23, 2023
I was watching the HIlary damage on TV from my recliner.  I fell asleep and your visit started in my dream life.  We were having a discussion still watching TV.  You were to my left sitting on a chair.  I fell asleep in my dream, when I  woke up,  you were to my right leaning on the recliner arm.  You were looking at the TV.  I thought to myself, I am so glad you are still here.  I moved your hair away from your face, you looked down at me and smiled.  I pulled you down towards me and kissed your forehead.  I woke up, it takes a while to realize it was a dream, cause I could still feel you next to me.  

I have a dream abba

October 20, 2019
I have a dream, I hear you sing to help me cope with everything
You make me see the wonder of a fairy tale, I can take the future even if I fail.

I believe in angels, something good in everything I'll see.  I believe in angels.
When the time is right for me, I'll cross the stream, I have a dream.
I have a dream, you sing to me to help  me through reality.

And my destination makes it worth the while, pushing thru the darkness just to see you smile
I believe in angels.  something good in everything I'll see.  I believe you wait for me.

When the time is right for me, I'll cross the stream, you'll come for me
I'll cross the stream, I have my dreams

You come to me to help me cope with everything
You make me see the wonder of a fairy tale, I can take the future even if I fail

I believe in angels.  Something good in everything I'll see
I believe in angels.

When I know the time is right for me, I'll cross the stream - You'll come for me.
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream

space shuttle crew endeavor

September 21, 2016

The crew stopped by where bernie worked during their stay at Edwards Airforce Base.  The  Mission Specialist Commander Bruce E Melnick autographed this photo of them for her.  She also got some other momentos of the flight from the crew members.  This was during the may 1992 return landing of the shuttle's first flight.

Great Falls Park

August 24, 2016

I was at this spot this past weekend for a hike.  Made me think of the time I took this photo of her and the picnic we had there.  I love what you did with photo; her gazes were always angelic. 

The tears still fall

April 7, 2016

I don't believe she is gone.  I still don't believe it is possible.  

So many horrible things

March 14, 2016

A lot a bad things happened to bernie, but people who were not witnesses did not  believe it.  It hurt so much when i was asked to confirm her stories.  I hated it. At 2 1/2 she was choking on a caramel candy, the round ones.  I didn't know the hemlich maneuver at that time, but I got her to gag and the candy came out.  Her lips were turining blue.  At 3, a dog bit her on the face. I sometimes think death was her shadow.  At just days old, young and stupid like i was, i was bathing her and accidently had her face in the water.  I had turned her on her stomach over the baby tub to wash her bottom.  So stupid.    At 4, She had her toenail ripped off,  she screamed in pain, to this day i dont know how it happened.  She somehow locked herself in the dryer, it is funny now but then it was awful.  I was so afraid she could have sufficated.  She had two car accidents.     In first grade  she was elected class president by her classmates, but her teacher wanted a boy to be president and refused the student's choice.  I was so furious, i went to the Principal.  As a teenager, She almost got kidnapped from home.  Someone came in thru the garage into her room.   If she hadn't had the radio on who knows what he would have done.  When the intruder tried to turn the radio off,  he turned it way up and woke all if us, including bernie.  He slammed his hand on the side of her face and told her, "if you look at me I am not going to leave."  I guess he was going to get rid of all witnesses.  Ok,  she said.   During that time I was walking down the hall to her room in the dark.   Before I got to the hallway I heard the garage door slam shut.  I reached the hall bathroom and Bernie grabbed me and took me into the hall bathroom and locked the door.  Shaking she told me, "mom, there's a man in the house"  She was so scared.  No, i said I heard him leave.  We called the police.  Every thing she said is true. She could have died in a fire over seas, the house was locked from the outside, a custom, so maids dont steal from their employers.  She was visiting someone who stepped out, luckily he was back quickly,   The maid and bernie were able to get out, before the fired became a threat.  So many other things that are painful to remember.  She had a list of "things to do before I die".  They were simple things, nothing major, extravagant.   One was to take salsa lessons.   They were at night.  When she got to her vehicle after class, she had a note on her windshield.  "I have been watching you."  She had one more class left, but she couldnt go because she was scared.  I still have the note.

She had great experiences, too.  

 

country singer

January 16, 2016

She decided to go to university in San Antonio and we were driving from albuquerque to texas.  "Now I have to wear a cowboy hat and boots and listen to hill billy music."   she said jokingly.   Strumming an invisible guitar and stomping her foot on the floorboard, she started to sing hank williams' songs.  Of course she was making up her own hilarious lyrics and exaggerating the twang.  I was laughing all the way to Texas. 

It's just like yesturday!   I see her so clearly and I see myself laughing so hard.  I wish I had recorded all her comedic impromtu sketches and the way she could imitate anyone.  What intertained me the most was when she spoke in a French accent.  So funny.

She was visiting me here in Boston!

August 24, 2015

I remember her striking up conversation with the local Italians in Little Italy where this picture was taken is Boston's North End .... we had a blast and visited the best restaurants and went shopping and she always found a way to just strike up converations with anyone! I miss her so much.

January 13, 2015

I remember finding out that you had left us. It was as though all of the times we hungout were quickly summarized in my thoughts. You always had a way that made me feel better about myself. As I progressed in my career,  I would wonder "what would Berns think of me now"? I'd like to remember your dedication and enthusiasm. I'm sorry you had to leave us so soon. I could not forget you.

Una lagrima por mi amor

September 17, 2013

Una flor sin rocio morira. Y nunca mas vendra la primavera
y aunque mi corazon te espera se que no volvera mi amor
es por eso que no vivo mas

El agua de los rios se detendran.     El cielo no tiene ningun color

porque se termino mi vida desde que me dejaste sola
existo pero no vivo mas.


Una lagrima por mi amor, muchas lagrimas llorare
broton de mi corazon.  Te quise tanto y se que nunca te olvidare
fuiste mi primer amor y con dios estas             

Flowers for my love

August 24, 2013

A day will never pass that I won't remember you.
Till my dying day I'll keep my promise, I'll never forget you. 
You are asleep forever, nothing and no one will ever hurt you.

   


  

From Behind The Camera

June 8, 2013
Things are always different on the other side of things, whether it's war, religion, politics, or simply just from behind the camera. Pictures are taken, video captured, but what you rarely see is the person doing all of that. Tia Berns loved taking pictures! She always had her camera, always. But now as I look at all those pictures, I only see myself or others, but not Tia Berns. Of course I still remember her being there and taking the pictures, but I think, how cool would it be to actually see her in some of them? So if you're taking pictures and have the chance, ask somebody walking by if they can take a picture, or maybe a few pictures. Don't be afraid to "bug" people, because in a few years, when you're looking at that picture, the only thing that will matter is if everybody is in it or not and if something happens to where one of those people in that picture aren't around anymore, it'll be worth anything to have that one picture! Especially if all you had to do is "bug" a stranger. You never know, if maybe that stranger is just a future friend in disguise. Somebody that you would enjoy being around, and one day be in the picture as well. So bug a stranger, the worst that can happen is them saying no, but you have the chance to not only capture a memory, but find a new friend too! And if you're walking by and see someone taking pictures, you can be that stranger and offer to take the picture, and one day, you might even be in it with them.

Love Letters

May 1, 2013

You used to write me love letters for me to read at work
They told me how much you loved me and it made me feel so good

So many love letters and one day you asked, " why don't you write me love letters?"
I felt so bad.

I do remember writing you love letters when you were with your dad.
you save them all, all these years.
I am filled with regret.

because we can't write each other love letters anymore.
you went to heaven, life is so cruel
I should've written you  more love letters to read at school.

I wish I had writtened you a love letter before you passed,
telling you how much I loved you and that you were the very best.

 

  
                    

How we miss you

April 9, 2013


We miss you for the smiles you gave us

we miss you for your caring ways
and the words of comfort
you were always there to say


You had an aura about you
that everybody knew
and no party was as lively without you

as you walked into the gloom
we all felt the change in mood
and a sense of utter happiness
seemed to flow into the room
your love of life enveloped us
in an ambiance of joy
and people flocked to talk to you
like moths to a brillant glow

now the world appears much dimmer
there is emptiness and darkness
where you were
no one else can light it with a smile
and brighten our soul

no one here to guide us thru
no more words of hope and comfort
no more looks of love from you
no more rays of sunshine
as you walked our way and made us whole

you were all those things and more                                    

Dedication to My friend

April 4, 2013

I did research at NIH and met Bernadette there. I just published a paper on anti-PD-L1 therapy which she was using to try to conquer her cancer. In this paper, I placed a dedication to her:

Dedication

This article is dedicated to Bernadette A. Estrada who fearlessly battled cervical cancer and dedicated her life to cancer awareness. She was one of the first to receive anti-PD-L1 (B7-H1) therapy. She will be missed dearly.

Paper: 

Restoring Immune Function of Tumor-Specific CD4+ T Cells during Recurrence of Melanoma. Goding SR, Wilson KA, Xie Y, Harris KM, Baxi A, Akpinarli A, Fulton A, Tamada K, Strome SE, Antony PA. Journal of Immunology. 2013, May 1st.

If you want a copy of the paper please write me at: pantony@som.umaryland.edu

Paul 

SAFELY HOME

January 29, 2013

I am home in Heaven, dear ones; Oh, so happy and so bright!

There is perfect joy and beauty in this everlasting light.

All the pain and grief is over, Every restless tossing passed;

I am now at peace forever, safetly home in Heaven at last.

Did you wonder  why I so calmly trod the valley of the shade?

Oh! but jesus' love illuminated every dark and fearful glade.

And He came Himself to meet me in that way so hard to tread;

and with jesus' arm to lean on, could I had one doubt or dread?

Then you must not grieve so sorely, for I love you dearly still:

Try to look beyond earth's shadows, pray to trust our Father's Will.

There is work still waiting for you, so you must not idly stand;

Do it now, while life remaineth - You shall rest in Jesus' land.

When that work is all completed, He will gently call you Home;

Oh, the rapture of that meeting, Oh, the joy to see you come!

 

Bernadette would have said this.  She had faith.  POEM sent

by St. Bruno Catholic Church

 

 

my aunt, my teacher, my role model..

January 21, 2013

I never really knew a lot about you..I knew the basics, that you were my aunt, that you loved me and that I loved you. I knew that you were an open book, full of knowledge. You taught me so much, how to cook, how to talk properly, table manners, what not to say and most importantly you taught me that family is everything.  We cooked together, we learned together and we laughed together. You showed me so many different views on life and all of its joys. You took me to many different places and showed me different lifestyles and foods and beliefs. You brought me to restaurants that served authentic foods from different countries, and tricked me into trying many different things that I thought would taste horrible but that i actually liked. You played a huge role in making me the person I am today and I don't know how i would've turned up without you. In some parts of mexico they celebrate something called the day of the dead.. Instead of spending their time being sad about the time they didn't get to have with their loved ones, they celebrated the time they did get. I like their way of thinking and have since done my best to do the same. I'll only think about what has been instead of what could've been.. I think about our laughs and our great times together and do my best not to think about anything else.. You did so much for me and for others and were a great role model and teacher. I love you so much. 
Love, Johnny 

A Memorial Grove

August 22, 2012

"PLANTED WITH MUCH LOVE FOR OUR BELOVED 'BERNS." WE MISS YOU!


What an amazing and precious living memorial you have made in honor of Bernadette.  It brings great joy to my heart that she was loved and is missed so much.

She is looking down at all of you, and thinking, " I was so lucky to have had
so many cousins that cared for me, as much as I cared for them".  How
happy you all made her. She missed all of you so much when she was away.

Beause of the experiences she had growing up with so many cousins, she wanted to have many kids.  Thank you so much for giving her many happy moments in her life.  
   

June 19, 2012

What a hearty laugh she had.  Joyful and loving, if that is possible.  Never sarcastic.
She had a great sense of humor and she was extremely funny.  


When she was a teenager, she would entertain me by imitating children and how they would constantly ask questions.  I wish I could remember exactly what she would say, but it made me laugh so much.      

So serene

June 19, 2012

She looks so angelic here.  Perhaps smiling, perhaps hurting and thinking with regret, she won't see her nephew grow up.  When she was a teenager, she would say, "mom, I am going to have 12 kids." 


It saddens me now that she didn't.  She would have been the greatest mom.
No matter how much she traveled and educated herself, her greatest joy was to have had kids to love and teach.  She was a natural counselor, she spoke with heartfelt genuine concern.  Not a rehearsed, memorized response one  gets from social workers and psychiatrist.    

She even gave ME guidance. Now I am lost without her. Missing a part of me, I feel amputated, unable to function normally and completely.   
   
I heard her voice the other night, she called me and I woke up.   what my  love?
I should have asked, but I listened, then went back to sleep.    I have never known the right words to say, she was always here for that.    Even on her last days, she said.  "Mom I am happy, ,,,,,,,,you're happy, ....that's all that matters" 
I wanted to say, I am not happy, I am dying inside. I'll never be happy again.  she was happy she was at home  and not dying in nursing home. 
   

loving romeo

June 19, 2012

Romeo is here placing a consoling paw on my shoulder.  when he heard me crying, he would run from where ever he was to offer a hug, as he would reach around my neck and there he would lay his paw as long as needed.

back from our day out

June 12, 2012

Just back from our thanksgiving brunch, this time we decided to go out for thanksgiving instead of cooking.  We had a great time.  We took pictures and I took this one of her in front of the our house.
We did not have much time to spend together, since she was either in washington DC or in Europe and I was on travel assignments also for most of the year.  

She made our outings memorable.  She was always the planner and the giver of her love and attention.  I wish we had had more of those times together.  

Looking at the plants, I remember she never used to get involved with the garden at home, although she love having fresh herbs and would make tea with fresh mint leaves and lemon grass.   when she got her own place, I was surprise and happy to see that she started to grow her own herbs and flowers.  

I thought, oh look, she will carry on something I do.  It was like a continuation of myself in her.  Now, that ended and my life ended with hers.  Everytime I bought anything, jewelry, small appliances, kitchen gadgets, silverware, it was always in my mind that I would leave all this things to her.  I always bought what I thought she would use and like.  Being a girl, who loved to cook, I knew she would enjoy getting all those things when I died.  A boy, doesn't care about those things.  
I have no one to give things to.  No one that will treasure them.  No girl to carry on.  

My love........... 





 

May 29, 2012

she made all the reservation for our christmas dinner.  We laughed and forgot all our trouble for a couple of hours.  She made us forget and was happy as any healthy person would be.  Our christmases will never be the same.    she was the spark that made the light of life shine brightly.  

May 29, 2012

She had thick silky long hair.  I would dry it for her with the hairdryer.   It was so long and it took a long time.  I had her close to me and once again she was my baby girl.  I, combing her hair like I used to, when she was little.

 I can still feel her hair cascading from the brush like a waterfall, shimmering and sparkling in the sunlight.   

The text of the card reads

May 26, 2012

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.  I'll meet you there"

Poetry by: Jelaluddin Rumi (1207-73)
English translation: Coleman Barks and John Moyne
Arabic translation and calligraphy:  Mustafa Ja'far
Script: Nashkh


This card was given to bernadette by Mustafa Ja'far.  she studied Arabic Calligraphy under him in London.  

 

Bernadette in politics

May 26, 2012

She was very involved in the New Mexico government.  At one time she wanted to be a politician.  (She would have been a great one.  She could convince anyone of anything.  She was a born leader.)

May 26, 2012

She was involved with the UNM music department and traveled and sang with the mariachi group.

May 26, 2012

Cooked for the Hurricane katrina victims and managed all the volunteers in the kitchen, trained them and assigned them duties.  She was a  born manager, and it is apparent that they loved her.  

she facilitated the partnership of St. Mary's and the Salvation Army to recruit student and faculty volunteers for Katrina.  At the time, St. Mary's was only assisting the Red Cross with Volunteers

she was a volunteer Teacher at the San Antonio food Bank, and taught nutrition/cooking classes to children of low-income families at The Good Shephard.  

She volunteered at the Center for Peace and Justice as an Income tax preparer for  low income individuals. 

 

May 26, 2012

She was involved in field research, data collection, briefing National Cancer Institute staff and developing the final presentation of findings and recommendations to the President's Cancer Panel.  

May 26, 2012

She mingled with the highest in Washington.  She had the personality of a superstar and the intelligence and communication skills of a Harvard graduate.  What a gift God gave her.  I was so Proud.

Beautiful to the End

May 26, 2012

She never aged.  Almost 40 and still looked youthful, Only 7 months left to live
and she had a genuine smile on her face and bright eyes.  Her broken heart never showed.  She never felt sorry for herself.  She did not allow others to feel sad for her.  Her spirit made me believe she was immortal, and I was not prepared for her departure.   It's like she disappeared in an instant without warning, right in front of my eyes.  

She visits in my dreams. On a stormy night she appeared and we walked home in the rain,  my arm wrapped around her waist as tight as I could and I kissed her cheek many times.  We spent a day together and then she left  out the front door when the storm returned the next evening.  I ran after her in the dark,  calling for her to return, but she had disappeared again. I kept searching and I yelled for her until I woke.    

College Awards And scholarships

April 25, 2012

3  Cancer Research Training Awards, National Cancer Institute
     (3 year Fellow NIH)
    HACU Scholarship Award provided by WalMart Achiever's Scholarship
    St. Mary's Alumni Association scholarship Award 
4  St. Mary's Faculty of School of Business and Administration Scholarships
    Hispanic College Fund Scholarship
    Nominee St. Mary's University Presidential Award
    St. Mary's Deans Honor List
    National Dean's List Award

President - St. Mary's Study Abroad Society - established by Bernadette
Member   -  San Antonio College, Woman's Student Organization - Assisted in
                    creating it
Member - Catholic Campus Ministry

BERNIE'S ROMEO

March 21, 2012

IS READY TO GO NOW. He is very ill.  Has been searching for Bernie and crying for her everytime he goes to her room.  He sits on the side of the bed she slept in and calls for her with the loudest meows.  


Romeo is gone now, He died last night in my Son's arms.  3/23/12.  19 yrs old.  
He is with Bernadette now, he won't be crying for her anymore.  

Bernie wrote about Romeo many years ago.  This is her story:

Romeo is meowing in the closet like he lost someone or like he is lost.  That sad bellowing cry that prompts me to repeat after him in the same whining tone, "Whaaat baby boy...come here."  He comes out of the closet sits on the floor at the corner of my nightstand and stares up at me with his cartoon like face, blue eyes with wide pupils dilated like big round black pearls.  

He gets wild after 11 or 12 midnight.   He starts running around the house chasing scrunched up paper balls leftover from the last time we played with them.  He'll jump on my mother's bed and climb to the top of the highest point of her headboard and stare down at me as if I were his subject and he my king, and he was commanding me to go to bed.  I tapped my bed and tried to get him to jump
up on to it, promising him that when I was done writing, I would play w/him.  (He loves to play w/the leather strap that ties my books together), but he looked stressed and impatient so I turned off the radio, turned on the lamp and turned off the bedroom lights.  This gave a warm quiet feeling in the room.  A soothing golden glow.  He calms down in this ambiance.   But first, I riled him up by letting him chase the leather strap til he was worn out and tired.  He's resting now.  His back is towards me.  He looks so soft and hugable.  When he falls into a deep sleep he makes noises like he is talking in his sleep or having a bad dream.  I pet him and try to make him feel safe and secure and loved.  I've had him nearly 12 years now.  I hate to think what my life would be like when he passes on.  I imagine I would live in shock and denial for many years wishing I could have spent more time w/him, but instead I've spent so many  months away from him in washington DC on several Fellowships and studying abroad in London.  Now, I am going to Rome for a semester then possibly back to DC for a summer
Fellowship.  Romeo will be so sad and lonely and I'll miss him wiith all my heart. I feel as though he is trying to spend as much time with me as possible.  My eyes well up with tears at the thought of it and my heart breaks.  Hopefully my mom can take him to my brother Eddie's place in Studio City, Ca where Romeo will have family around him.  He is only comfortable w/myself, Eddie and my mom.  And only we three know his routine, habits, likes and dislikes.  He likes to go outside at his leisure, he likes an open door policy.  (cat door) where he can come and go as he pleases.  He doesn't like to be put outside and the door closed behind him.   He likes a tall glass of water on the night stand next to mine, where he can drink from without having to bend all the way to his feet.  
He likes refried beans wcheese, cabbage soup and a little ice cream for dessert.
 

A budding chef

February 14, 2012

My grandson, Bernie's nephew preparing breakfast at her apartment.  Cooking and, teaching her nephrew how to cook, was her greatest pleasure.  We were treated to the most deliciously flavored meals imaginable.

Lost Dog

February 14, 2012

Bernadette kept seeing this dingy little dog on the college grounds with his tale between his legs and starving, she would feed him and one day she just brought him home.
He was so happy, he would run around the back yard and chase away the birds from our plants and peach tree.  She called him Pinot like the wine.  She took him to the vet for his shots and grooming.  She was a softie for all animals.

unfortunately, while chasing the birds he would be barking and the neighbor did not like that.  ONe day Pinot sneaked out and went to his yard and we never saw him again.  Bernadette was heartbroken.

In the beginning was the end

February 11, 2012

Phone Call:
June 2008  Your papsmear is abnormal, you need to come to the clinic for follow-up  (  No urgency in the matter, no education regarding delaying followup care.  No further communication from the doctor until)
Phone Call
July 2009    Your results are  high risk for cancer,  you have pre-cancerous cells..  come in for a follow up.  (The OBGyn waited one whole year to call her back for a check up)

So not thinking anything of that first call, she continued living her life.  What person understands an abnormal papsmear?  I got one of those 20 yrs ago, never thought anything about it myself.  One year it was normal the next not.  So she ignored it and since the doctor did not care enough to call her back the next month and the next, for 12 months, she thought it was nothing important, nothing to worry about.

She worked in marketing,  a job she loved and was very proud of.  She also cared for her "very important boyfriend"  who ended up not appreciating her devotion.  She was a one man woman, while he was, as many as he can get.  However, she loved caring for others and so she did,  without caring for herself and her health.  She managed his household,  while slowly dying of cancer in the process.

She had her beautiful apartment and spent time decorating and cooking many times for others and her brother.  Her greatest joy, such a "womanly chore" cooking.  She was in heaven when she was cooking for others.

Her spare time was spent taking classes, as many as she could take.  She was very concerned about the  environment.  She attended classes to personally help in that area, even a little.  She made many friends during this time.

Then that call came, that call that came too late.  The call that the doctor made, too late to save her life.  Why God?  Why are they so careless and inhumane?
He killed her, he sealed her faith.  If he had cared just a little bit, she would be alive today.  "you have pre-cancerous cells, come to the office for a follow-up"
A year too late, he calls  Those pre-cancerous cells were now out of control.  Her uterus was full of them.  When she went for the follow-up, another papsmear was taken and it was "NORMAL"  It goes to show how useless those test can be.  However, a few weeks later, she felt a mass.  She went back to the clinic and was told, "You can't possibly feel a mass, your papsmear came back NORMAL!   They were not going to  re-examined her, but she insisted.  Sure enough she had a mass. (women need to advocate for themselves, medical personnel think they know everything, but in reality, they are clueless)

 The cancer cells had spilled out of her uterus and were multiplying on her cervix.  She was immediately referred to LAC/USC who played with her life, and furthered her death sentenced,  Incompetent "doctors" Who also did not give a damn.  

I will start to document her last 2 yrs of life with cancer, in her own words.  It will take time to organize all her correspondences.  So  I will continue when that is done. 


SHORT HISTORY  LAC/USC ASSESSMENT:
 No cervical/pelvic lymphadenopathy
no dominant masses, no skin changes
Os open with 4 cm mass protruding thru, no bleeding, no discharge, uterus 6 wks size, mobile, non tender, no adnexal masses/tenderness
PROCEDURE:  cervical mass prep with betadine.  Mass biopsied and sent to pathology.  
SPOKE TO PATH:  consistent with invasive squamous cell cervical cancer.
PLAN:  admit to ER for obs for CXR/ CT scan  C/A/P
  

ER  NOTES as dictated for ADMISSION 7/15 AND DISCHARGE July 17, 2009

    ADMISSION  
 37 Yr old female seen by GYN in ER and had cervical lesion bx that shows squamous cell carcinoma per pathology.  Pt sent to EDOA with orders for CXR, and CT chest abdomen and pelvis for tumor staging.  I spoke to radiology resident who stated there is no indication for same day CT scanning, that he would not approve it, and that pt can receive aforementioned studies on outpatient basis.  I relayed this conversation to GYN who states pt can receive these studies as outpatient and elected not to try and authorized them tonight.
UR nurse will contact pt with appointment.  GYN ONC to call patient with appt today.  Discharge plan was discussed with Dr. Gentile, attending physician and he concurs.  GYN/ONC to call patient today with f/u appt info.

(another delay, causing her cancer to spread)

     (she never mentioned having had a CT scan prior to surgery.  If she had had one, they would have seen the location of the tumors.  whole body scans show the location of all tumors in the body, it is better.  I will attempt to locate a report for the mentioned CT scan)

BERNADETTE EMAIL
7/28/09

HI Jane 
great to hear from you!  So, I am doing well (in spirit and body too actually).  I have no pain or discomfort whatsoever.  My diagnoisis:  Stage 1B1 cervical cancer 2.3 cm coming out from inside the cervix.  It has not spread outside the cervix.  
Surgeon at LAC: Dr. Kloboscista
Surgeon at USC: Dr. Paul Morrow

what I gather is that LAC is learning from the USC surgeon.  I don't know if she is assisting him or if she is actually doing the surgery while he observes.  My diagosis was given to me in a rushed 15 min session.   Basically here's what they want to do:
surgery aug 18th (will be hospitalized for 5 days) will have catheter for 2 wks.
1. exam under anesthesia
2.. diagnostic laparoscopy
3. removal of lymph nodes
4.  insert something?
5.  Remove Cervix



How ironic, that I find myself in this situation after I was at NCI working on this very issue.  (inadequacies in healthcare for minorities)
 
Abnormal pap 2008, colposcopy and biopsy in June 2008 (mild displasia CIN1)
Gynocologist:  Dr. Matsunaga said usually goes away on its own after a year.
Colposcopy and biopsy in June 2009 (cin III)
Pelvic exam July 2009 visible mass, bleeding, sent to ER: biopsy that night showed cervical cancer.

I am thankful we found this early, but still...I'm upset about the risks to having surgery.  One of which is low chance of getting pregnant, if lucky to get pregnant..it would be a high risk pregnancy.  

Bernadette


  
 






 

Bernadette's story in her own words

February 2, 2012

I will be entering some of bernadette's horrifying experience with the doctors from LAC/USC, in her own words.  You will read about The attending physician Dr. Morrow never examining her prior to surgery, Dr. Klobocista hiding something she did to bernadette during surgery.  Their lack of compassion, and plain "don't care attitude" about my daughter's condition.  You will be appalled.  You will wonder how such things could happen.  It is unbelievable to me.  My daughter never told me about this.  She said, I did not want you to worry.  She went thru all this on her own, until the cancer returned the second time and before  surgery at UCI, when she finally let me know.  She was told she was cured with the first surgery,  so why "worry you." she said.  

The only doctor who showed true caring and concern was Dr. Monk, and he went the extra mile to try and save her life.  After doctor Monk moved out of state, she was left with other UCI doctors, but they were not as concerned and  missed so many things, eventually leading to her death.  Every step of the way she met with what most women experience, and that is being labeled  "dramatic".  A male intern caring for her the next day after major surgery told me!, "She is so  dramatic"  when she was not able to get up to walk the next day after surgery.  Dr. Monk later called, instructing staff not to get her up yet and told the intern a thing or two.

 women are dying from heart attacks to cancer, because they are not taken seriously by the medical community.  My daughter was a victim of that attitude.
 

Certificate of Appreciation

January 26, 2012

Presented to Bernadette  by the

NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF HEALTH

 

January 24, 2012

Shared by Amine A. on 09/20/2011

Enjoying traditional Lebanese Mezza meal at the Lamb House in Beirut.  She was always eager to try new cuisines and food and wanted to sample everything.  Her love of exploration was one of her many endearing qualities.

 

 

My darkest hour

December 21, 2011

 

In what was my darkest hour,

 you had joy in your heart.

For God lit up the heavens, so that you may pass.

 

 

Letter from the U S Senate Office

December 12, 2011

Another one of many letters of reference written for Bernadette.

October 27, 2011

Bernadette and I (tall asian guy in the back) were new to Yelp. We first met at this Yelp Holiday Party a few years ago. I was very fortunate to meet such a wonderful and kind person. She was a great listener to all of my blabbering. Laughed at my lame jokes. Bernadette will always be in my thoughts.

Enjoy Bernadette's Humor

October 21, 2011

I added bernadette's reviews of places where she ate.  Enjoy her experiences and her humor.  she was as funny in person as she was on paper.  

Green eggs and ham at Boon Fly cafe'

October 21, 2011

Had breakfast here, and ordered the "Green Eggs & Ham" (as any self-respecting Dr. Seuss fan would).

 Being a vegetarian, however, I had to pass on the ham.
I do not like it in a box
I do not like it with a fox
I do not like it here or there
I do not like it anywhere


What I had:
"Green Eggs and Ham" - Poached Farm Fresh Eggs Wrapped in      
Honey-Cured Ham on Crispy Hash Browns with an Herbed Lemon Leek-Cream.

Coffee & Donut
Fresh-squeezed orange juice.

I thought the lemon-leek cream was tangy and delicious but the size of the dish was too large, the overall presentation was a bit sloppy. You can see by the photo, that the hash browns were on the bottom, so instead of being crispy... they were soggy from soaking up the tasty sauce.

Coffee was excellent, as was the OJ. And the donuts... Mmmmm. The donut recipe is published in their cookbook 
 

Bernadette Wrote about Food poisoning- sushi

October 21, 2011

WOW, Hide Sushi Seriously Jacked me Up!

WHAT I HAD:
2 pc. Hamachi
2 pc. Hirame
Green Tea

Couldn't even eat 4pc of sushi here! My normal sushi intake is around 18 pieces. Yeah, I know... I can eat. My favorite sushi chef (at sushi gen) makes the funniest faces when I get over 10 pieces...his raised eyebrows speak volumes! And after those 18 pieces... I order miso, and green tea ice cream! 

For the past couple of years, I've eaten sushi at least once a week. Occasionally, I'll get a less-than-fresh order, but I just send it back and it's no big deal. But, I've never gotten sick until... NOW!

The first order at Hide was 2 pcs of hamachi, which didn't taste good, but not exactly bad. So I ordered 2 pieces of Hirame. I put the first piece into my mouth and knew immediately that it was BAD FISH, it was chewy, nasty, and tasted like DEATH. I didn't know what to do... The place was packed, and I was shoulder to shoulder with other customers, yet the sushi juice was seeping into my cheeks; dripping down my throuat; and I could feel myself turning green and 'gaggy'. 

In all my life, I've never done this at a restaurant before, but...

Screeching my chair back, I RAN to the lady's room,  and SPIT the sushi into the trash and washed my hands. I did NOT throw up though. But still, I should have rinsed my mouth out too. Upon returning to my seat, the sushi chef asked for my next order, so I gave him the hand gesture that says, No MORE and noticed that my right hand was numb, perhaps from the ice cold water from washing my hands? Instead of a firm hand swipe, one might give a blackjack dealer when saying, "I'll stay, no more cards." Mine said, "Charmed, I'm sure, my hand dangling from its wrist waiting to be kissed".

And if that weren't enough!

While waiting for the bill my left eyelids became slightly paralyzed. The lids just weren't responding. I paid my bill and got out of there.

I wasn't dying so I didn't go to the doctor.

The one mistake I made was not telling the sushi chef that the fish was bad. You have to do this as a courtesy to them and to other patrons, but I was pretty jacked up, and all I was thinking was, "My fricken left eye won't open!" 

But, here I am... It's Friday night, and while my friends are out-on-the-town... I'm stuck at home with a lazy eye. :(

Fortunately I can...do some yelping! ;) (that's my one-eyed wink!)

END NOTE:
Now, I've attempted to give an entertaining account of my experience. But in all seriousness, any effects on the nervous system are usually due to botulism, so there may have been some minor food cross-contamination issues in their kitchen. But, I'm speculating. I didn't vomit or have any other serious symptoms that would indicate food poisoning. 

Soul food in alabama

October 21, 2011

 

This is actually in Midfield, Alabama about 30 minutes from Birmingham. (In the  middle of nowhere)

After I visited the Civil Rights Institute and the 16th Street Baptist Church, I asked a "local" where I could get authentic soul food. He said, it's a drive from here, but the best place is Ma Reatha's, and it didn't disappoint.

It's located in a predominantly african american area, so much so, that when I walked in, they asked if I was lost. 

I said, "If this is the best soul food in town, Then I'm in the right place." They laughed and were very welcoming.

The food was oh so good. I ordered multiple side dishes just so I could try everything. FABULOUS!

Birmingham Civil Rights Institute
520 Sixteenth Street North
(205) 328-9696
Hours: Tuesday-Saturday 10-5, Sunday 1-5
http://www.bcri.org

Sixteenth Street Baptist Church
1530 Sixth Avenue North (205) 251-9402
Worship services Sundays at 11:00am.
Tours by appointment.

 

 

NO PLACE FOR ARISTOCRATS

October 21, 2011



BBQ for breakfast was a nice way to start my day. They opened at 11:30AM and I was the 1 st customer in the place.

WHAT I HAD: $21.65 plus tip

Blackened Catfish Po Boy
Mac n cheese
stewed tomatoes
sweet tea
banana pudding (made with Nilla wafers)

The BBQ is Tennessee style BBQ, Memphis to be exact. There are three sauces on the table: 1. hot sauce in a narrow bottle, 2. sweeet BBQ sauce 3. XXX Habanero Sauce. I opted for the hot sauce on my fish, very good.

Waitress was great, lot's of southern love:
"What can I git ya, sweetie?"
"You doin' alright honey?"

When I asked for a dessert recommendation, she had herself a seat at my table and gave me a run-down of what they had. Love that! :)

Banana pudding was a 'miss' for me. WAY TOO THICK like eating Duncan Hines frosting out of a can... 

I can't wait to come back and try the shrimp po boy, collard greens, and okra. 

A couple sat down at the table next to me. The guy ordered a beer, his woman...water. And, he told the waitress that he felt like drinking his beer out of a glass. She brought him a plastic glass.

He made a fuss cuz he wanted a chilled pilsner or frosty mug.

So a WORD to the aristocrats out there. This a BBQ joint, if you're too high brow, to drink your brew from the bottle, this may not be the place for you. 

Fortunately, I had checked my Tiara at the door, and enjoyed my meal. 

Donut tale of amazement

October 21, 2011

 

I originally came here to review the donut king on 15032 S. Western Ave, in Gardena, and saw that there was a Donut King near me in Santa Monica, so I went to check it out and compare.

The sweet 12 yr. old asian girl, who was running the register, didn't know if their location was affiliated with the one in Gardena...by the taste of the donuts...I don't think so.

I'm still a fan though because the donuts are tasty...just not 5 stars like the Gardena location.

2 glaze, 1 choc. raised, and 7 chinese almond cookies: $3.95

My criteria for a good  'Raised/yeast' donut:

1. Good Density: Not an air-filled vessel that, when pressed--will flatten to a communion host never to be resurrected.  No! A donut, with good density, is a rather chewy pillow, with visible shock-absorption.  when pressed...it almost springs back to life ever-so-noticeably. When you bite into it, there's a toothy-ness, but not-so-dense as to remind one, of giving an impression of your teeth at the dentist office--(that pink gummy wax molding clay). The donut should participate in the experience, connecting with your mouth, holding on slightly but not gripping your teeth like taffy.

The difference between a donut with good density and one without, is like the difference between kissing and being kissed back.  i.e. biting into a krispy kreme donut...you're kissing a ghost. There's no life, it's a void, an illusion of  a donut, that  dissolves, dissipates...  instantly, upon contact without resistance. 

2. Glaze Paraffin: Ladies who get manicures, know what I mean. That thick coating that's not transparent, it's cloudy and  smooth and keeps what's beneath it... moist and supple. Glaze has to be, not-too-sweet, so you don't get a stomach ache and... u can eat more donuts!

The donuts I enjoy so far, in order of edibility:

Sweetie Pie Donuts- Lancaster, CA
Donut King- Gardena
Randy's Donuts- L.A.
Donut King- Santa Monica (Pico & Lincoln)

We all know that donuts should be made fresh daily and enjoyed the same day--for full flavor and pleasure. Consuming day-old-donuts are for the desperate, the starving, and those who purchased too many & left them on the table overnight. I fell into all three categories this morning. 

Famished, and not wanting to cook or drag myself, out into the cold morning, to fight the hoards of "brunch-goers" in Santa Monica...I went into my kitchen.

To my delight, I discovered the bag of yesterday's donuts. Perfectly desperate, I brewed a pot of coffee so I could dunk my 'donut biscotti' into a caffeine fountain-of-youth.  

I had high hopes for the chocolate raised, as it didn't have glaze only chocolate icing. Surely it would just be...hard as a rock. 

The glazed raised, on-the-other hand, would certainly be a wet, soggy mess--a sponge, that had absorbed the glaze mere minutes after it had reached my kitchen table the day before.

Opening the bag, there sat 1 glazed raised and 1 chocolate raised, in a state of perceived freshness, like a basket of artificial fruit. I reached for the glazed donut, to toss it, but to my utter shock and amazement.... the glaze was IN TACT !!! 
It had slight 'glaze leakage', on a quarter-size area of the bottom, but it was minor donut damage that I could live with. The rest of the donut was soft, and delicious.

Oh, and the chocolate raised, you may be wondering...was in perfectly respectable eating condition, so I went for it.

The above donut 'tale of amazement' featured donuts from:
Donut King on Pico & Lincoln

 

FRENCH NOT SPOKEN HERE

October 21, 2011

2nd day in Bay Area, had breakfast here this morning;

$11.75 Plus Tip

Pain au chocolate
cafe latte
regular coffee

When I ordered a pain au chocolate, the Bouchon chic just stared at me till I quickly changed to 'chocolate croissant' please.   MINUS 1 Star for that!

The caffe latte was 2 shots of espresso and like 10 ounces of steamed milk! (too weak), I returned it and got a regular coffee which was very good. (I like a stiff brew!) That saved them from losing a 2nd star.

Pain au chocolate was good, but small. Come on Keller Honey...UP the size a bit. In Paris you get a FAT ol' pain au chocolate for a buck.
 

SF bums with discriminating palates by bernadette

October 21, 2011
My first night in SF was last night. My Mom lives in Vallejo, CA near Napa so she met me in SF for dinner. She' s a total MEAT EATER, and her taste in restaurants is questionable at best. I often joke that,  I HAD to have been switched at birth! (She can take a joke)  So, knowing her taste, and love of Prime Rib...I actually chose this place. It was right up her alley! (not mine) Mom  likes family-feeling places and Buffets (eek!). lol I love my mom, really I do. We just don't see eye-to-eye when it comes to food.  HOPR is an 'old folgie' place, with lots of... old people, not a "hip" person in sight. This is definitely no MASTRO'S Beverly Hills. Buuuuuuuut, Moms dug it, so it was a good time. And, she was taking me out so I knew she could live with the price: $34 a person. I, being a vegetarian on the other hand... discovered why they call this place the House of Prime Rib...IT'S ALL THEY SERVE. No lobster, no shrimp, no fish, nada!  You have a choice only of what CUT of prime to have. All sides are included. We both had the 'City Cut' (their petite portion). My mom  really liked her Prime Rib, tore into the warm sourdough bread, and was all over the yorkshire pudding.  Personally, the food looked very 'cafeteria' and lackluster...in color. Many years ago, there use to be a place in Universal City, CA called Ruben's (anyone remember it?) They had a great prime rib, back when I ate meat. But, I digress...I ate my sides and my mom gave my uneaten prime rib to a homeless person outside the restaurant. Before the homeless dude would take it, he asked my Mom what kind of food it was!  lol I said, "See Mom, in L.A., the bums will take the food and ask questions later. BUT SF bums--- they have discriminating palates !'   My Mom gives me 1 star for reviewing a prime rib place and not eating the prime rib. lol I give her 5 stars for being right and a prime rib pro--she loved this place! 
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