Granny,
This is the first time I’ve had a chance to actually express how I’ve felt since the day I lost you. So much has happened, and all I want to do is sit in the chair next to you (as always) and tell you every last detail. I hate that I can’t. I often find myself at loss when something funny or crazy happens, and you’re the first person I wish I could tell. I think it would make you so happy to know that Jackie is so much like you, and so am I. I am often told I inherited your wit, your charm, and your colorful vocabulary. It’s odd that I would take comfort in saying things like “Well, shit” and having a thick southern accent at times, but I do. I love knowing that I’m even one ounce of the person you were. I love knowing that I get some of my greatest gifts from someone who was always one of my closest friends and confidants. You gave me my fearlessness, my singing voice, my stubbornness, my competitive edge, my resilience, and most importantly you gave me my mother. We are still as close as ever, and I can’t thank you enough for bringing my best friend into this world. I can honestly say I couldn’t live without her. All three of us were always so close. Whether we were making arts and crafts, cooking, making music, or complaining about girls who were mean to me at school. For the record, we still don’t like “hoes”. Oh god. I miss you so much. You could make me laugh and just completely brighten my day. I remember being a child and calling you on the first cordless phone we ever purchased, and I would always sneak away with it to talk to you for hours. I regret not spending more time with you towards the end, and I regret never expressing my grief properly. I’m so sorry I left and joined the Navy. You’d be comforted knowing that I came back home. It may have been due to injury, but breaking my Mom’s heart also weighed heavily on me and made my decision much easier. Boot camp was hard not having you. I was there during Christmas and broke down when they began playing Christmas carols for the first time. Everyone thought I was so strange for it, but I had never accepted that you were gone until then. It hit me so hard, because I just loved you so much. I will never know why I was so emotionless up until that point. I think I was scared that if I let my feelings show, I would break apart and I wouldn’t be able to put myself back together. People have always thought of me as such a strong person, but I am always so afraid of losing the people I love. I tried so hard to sing at your funeral, but the feelings started to hit. It was by far the worst I’ve ever sung, but I know deep down that I was too afraid to express my grief fully and choked as a result. I laughed it off and got drunk with Nico (we figured it was what you would’ve wanted). Also, Saint Lawrence looks like Justin Timberlake. You would’ve laughed so hard at his painting. Then again, you probably laughed when you met him. I’m pretty sure I saw you once, at the hospital. You know which time. Thank you for protecting me for all these years, I know you’ve been watching over me. I’m not sure what you and the big man have got planned, but I promise I’m trying so hard to make you proud. I met the man I’m going to marry. I keep wishing I could introduce you, but stories and pictures will have to do. He’s beautiful Granny, you should see his eyes. They have the most unusual golden color. We live in Pitman. Everyone is stuffy, boring, and overwhelmingly republican. Haha, you would hate it. I’ve been enjoying disturbing the peace with the same style and flair you’ve always instilled in me. By the way, I think I finally decided what to do with my life! I’ve been playing around with the idea of getting into politics! You always said I was such a spitfire. I’m not sure whether I should be a speech writer, practice law, or run for office. But I know it will be somewhere in that vein. I promise I won’t be the type of politician you would’ve flipped off on the television! I know it won’t be for a while, but I am so excited to see you again. I know you’ve been rooting for me, as you’ve been “bettin’ on spot” for my entire life. I promise I won’t let you down. It’s nice to know that I can come here and talk to you. I honestly don’t know why I hadn’t thought of this sooner. It feels so good to talk to you again. I hope you know I love you with all of my heart, and I promise to write often. Please watch over me, Mom, and especially Tommy. We miss you so much! Until next time!
Always,
Jenny