{"id":1740,"date":"2026-10-05T06:17:43","date_gmt":"2026-10-05T11:17:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.forevermissed.com\/blog\/?p=1740"},"modified":"2026-10-05T06:17:43","modified_gmt":"2026-10-05T11:17:43","slug":"functioning-while-struggling","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.forevermissed.com\/blog\/functioning-while-struggling\/","title":{"rendered":"Functioning While Struggling: Who Gets Permission to Stop?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\n

\u201cFunctioning doesn\u2019t mean you are not suffering.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Why do we wait until suffering becomes impossible to ignore before we change what we\u2019re asking of the person carrying it? For many people, functioning while struggling becomes a way of life – one that can make their suffering almost invisible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Does Suffering Become \u201cLegitimate\u201d?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

There seems to be a point where suffering finally becomes legitimate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A point where people stop expecting you to push through it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A point where the appointments become important enough, the pain becomes visible enough, the test becomes abnormal enough, or the situation becomes serious enough that suddenly everyone agrees:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Something has to change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know exactly where the line is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I know what it feels like to live on the wrong side of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And before I go any further, bear with me through two short examples.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One is mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One is my husband\u2019s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m not telling you either story because this article is about us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m telling you because sometimes you have to see what this looks like inside an actual life before you realize how fucked up the expectation really is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And yes, I may get a little feisty here\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because this one is still hitting close to home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being dismissed didn\u2019t just affect our health. It changed the quality of our lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Financially.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Relationally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Inside our own home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s the part people miss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Suffering Has a Radius<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Suffering has a radius.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I think part of the reason we let that radius grow is that we are much better at recognizing some kinds of suffering than others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When something happens to the body that nobody can argue with, we understand that life may have to change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Major surgery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A broken bone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cancer treatment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A serious injury.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Suddenly, rest isn\u2019t something you have to earn.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Work changes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Responsibilities move.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Someone else makes dinner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Appointments take priority.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Expectations get lowered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nobody hands someone recovering from major surgery a treatment plan and says:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Good luck. Try to fit this in around everything you were already doing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We understand that sometimes healing requires different conditions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Until the suffering becomes harder to prove.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then apparently, you have to look sick enough, test sick enough, or deteriorate enough before anyone believes the conditions around you should change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that is where I have a problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSick. Just Not Sick Enough Yet.\u201d<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

While finally healing from my eating disorder, I became sick with digestive issues every day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I went to doctor after doctor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No one could find an explanation\u2014at least not with the testing being done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eventually, the message became that unless I deteriorated enough, there wasn\u2019t much they could do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In other words: I was sick. Just not sick enough yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remember thinking:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nothing you can do\u2026 fine. Watch me find an answer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because that is how I respond when someone tells me there is nowhere else to go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But underneath the fight, I was terrified.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Did I damage myself too much?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Am I going to feel like this forever?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What the hell did I do to myself?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was finally fighting my way out of one illness while waking up every day inside a body that still felt sick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then I watched my husband go through his own version of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Years ago, he began experiencing physical symptoms no one could explain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Something was wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He knew it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I knew it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But the tests kept saying he was fine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The problem was, he wasn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And when the usual answers didn\u2019t explain what was happening, the response felt more like there\u2019s nothing here than what are we missing?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After hearing some version of everything looks good enough times, he started questioning the one thing he had been sure of:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

himself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe it was in his head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps he was making too much of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe he should just push through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So he did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He learned to live around it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To ignore what he could.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To keep going.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Until something changed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What he had learned to live around became impossible to ignore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That was when I started digging.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We didn\u2019t have endless money, endless time, or some huge support system behind us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But he had me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I kept asking the question I wish someone had asked years earlier:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What are we missing?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eventually, those old symptoms began to make sense when we discovered he had Lyme disease.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But by then, we weren\u2019t trying to understand a handful of unexplained symptoms anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We were trying to understand what had happened after years of living around something that had never actually gone away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When \u201cEverything Looks Fine\u201d Is not the Same as Being Fine<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Because everything looks fine doesn\u2019t make the problem disappear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It teaches the person carrying it how to keep going until they can\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That is where this becomes much bigger than either of us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because so many people live somewhere in that space.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And most of them look fine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That may be the problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some suffering announces itself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fatigue can get dressed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chronic pain can go to work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Migraines can disappear behind a closed door.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dizziness can be hidden.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Digestive problems can be managed privately.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Symptoms can come and go just enough to make someone question how bad they really are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And emotional suffering can hide just as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trauma can hold a job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Grief can make dinner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anxiety can answer an email.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Depression can laugh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Someone in recovery can look completely put together while barely holding the line inside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Someone can carry years of unresolved pain and still be the person everybody else depends on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When \u201cYou Look Fine\u201d Becomes Something You Tell Yourself<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

That is the problem with you look fine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eventually, it stops being something other people think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You start using it against yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m still working.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m still parenting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I got through yesterday.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nobody can find anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nobody else seems to think I need to stop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps everyone is this tired.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe I\u2019m being dramatic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe I should push through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And what are you supposed to do anyway?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Life didn\u2019t stop because your tests were normal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The mortgage didn\u2019t disappear because nobody could explain the fatigue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your children didn\u2019t stop needing you because you barely slept.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Work didn\u2019t cancel itself because your anxiety was through the roof.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nobody cleared your calendar because something inside you felt wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So you keep going.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You work around it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You compensate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cancel one thing so you can make it through another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You lie down for twenty minutes and get back up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You become incredibly good at calculating exactly how much more you can carry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And because you keep carrying it, everyone keeps assuming you can.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Including you<\/strong>.

Stay connected for part 2.<\/strong><\/em> Read more of my stories here.<\/a><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cFunctioning doesn\u2019t mean you are not suffering.\u201d Why do we wait until suffering becomes impossible to ignore before we change what we\u2019re asking of the person carrying it? For many…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":40,"featured_media":1741,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[64],"tags":[8,25,24,86,26,85,19],"class_list":["post-1740","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-grief-series","tag-coping-with-grief","tag-grief-community","tag-healing","tag-healingjourney","tag-loss-of-a-loved-one","tag-suffering","tag-support"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nFunctioning While Struggling: Who Gets Permission to Stop? - ForeverMissed Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"You can look fine and still be struggling. 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