{"id":1775,"date":"2026-10-23T15:46:38","date_gmt":"2026-10-23T20:46:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.forevermissed.com\/blog\/?p=1775"},"modified":"2026-10-23T15:46:38","modified_gmt":"2026-10-23T20:46:38","slug":"losing-a-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.forevermissed.com\/blog\/losing-a-child\/","title":{"rendered":"I carried you, I hold you beyond loss. Part 6:\u00a0When Everything Changed"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>Losing a child is a journey no parent is ever prepared for. In this chapter of <em>I Carried You, I Hold You Beyond Loss<\/em>, a mother reflects on the hope she found as her son reached his first birthday, the medical challenges they faced together, and the heartbreaking loss that changed her life forever.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>If you have not read<\/em> <em>the previous chapter, you can find <\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.forevermissed.com\/blog\/finding-hope-after-childs-illness\/\" data-type=\"link\" data-id=\"https:\/\/www.forevermissed.com\/blog\/finding-hope-after-childs-illness\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Part 5<\/em><\/a> here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There are moments in life when everything seems to be moving in the right direction, when you finally allow yourself to believe that perhaps the worst is behind you. You begin to breathe a little easier. And you start making plans again. You look at the person you love and imagine all the ordinary days you might still have together. You stop preparing your heart for the worst quite so often because, for the first time in a long time, hope feels possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">That was where I was when October 2023 arrived<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You had reached your first birthday. After everything we had been through, that milestone meant more to me than I could adequately explain. I had watched you face health challenges that had frightened me from the beginning. I had listened to medical concerns, travelled to hospitals, consulted doctors, and spent countless nights wondering what the next day might bring. There had been moments when I was afraid to look too far into the future because I did not know whether I would have the opportunity to see you grow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">A birthday that brought hope<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You were growing, learning, moving, smiling, and finding your own little ways of communicating with the world. You had surprised us repeatedly. The child I had once feared I might lose within a few months had reached a year, and I was beginning to imagine what the next year might look like. I thought about your second birthday. I wondered what new things you would learn, what would make you laugh, and what kind of little boy you would become.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Those thoughts mattered because they represented something I had struggled to give myself permission to do: imagine a future with you in it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For much of your life, I had lived with uncertainty. Even during the happiest moments, a part of me remained alert. I could celebrate your milestones and still worry about your breathing. Could watch you play and still find myself paying attention to every change in your condition. I could feel grateful for a good day while wondering how long it would last.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But after your recovery in September and your first birthday in October, I began to believe that perhaps we were entering a different season. I knew your health challenges had not disappeared, but I had seen you recover before. I had seen you become stronger. And I had watched you do things we had once feared might never happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Perhaps, I thought, we would continue to find our way through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I did not know that November would bring a goodbye I was not prepared for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">When something began to feel different<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Around 3 November, I began noticing that you were not quite yourself. You seemed less cheerful and less active than usual. As a mother who had spent months learning your patterns, I paid attention to those changes. When you have cared for a medically fragile child, you learn to notice the smallest differences. You become familiar with their ordinary behaviour, their expressions, their energy, and the little signs that tell you when something may not be right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We took you to the hospital to have you checked. We wanted to understand what was happening and make sure you received the care you needed. After the assessment, we were reassured that you appeared to be under the weather.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sometimes, reassurance is exactly what a worried parent needs. You want to believe that the change you have noticed is temporary, that your child will feel better soon, and that life will return to its familiar rhythm. I had experienced frightening moments with you before, and you had recovered from them. I had learned that not every difficult day ended in the worst possible outcome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So I held on to the hope that this would be another difficult moment we would get through together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Looking back, I understand how easily the mind returns to what it already knows. We had been through frightening medical situations before, and each time, you had found your way back to us. Those experiences had taught me to keep hoping, even when I was afraid. Those experiences had taught me to keep hoping, even when I was afraid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I had no way of knowing how quickly everything was about to change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The morning of 6 November<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It was around four o&#8217;clock in the morning on 6 November 2023 when you woke up crying heavily.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There are details from that morning that remain difficult to put into words. Some moments become permanently etched in your memory, not because you want to keep returning to them, but because they changed the meaning of everything that came before and everything that followed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You were crying, and something was wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We rushed you to the hospital. By then, you were experiencing shortness of breath. Breathing had been one of our greatest concerns throughout your life, so seeing you struggle in that way brought back fears I knew all too well. But this time was different. The situation progressed with a speed that left very little room to understand what was happening before we were already facing the next frightening moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The medical team tried to help you. Oxygen and other measures were used as they worked to support you. We were at the hospital, where we had gone before, in a place where I had previously watched you receive care and recover.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But this time, things did not unfold as they had in the past.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Everything happened so quickly<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I had spent thirteen months learning to live with uncertainty. I had learned to watch, to wait, to ask questions, to hope, and to prepare myself for difficult possibilities without allowing fear to take every good moment away from me. I had spent so many nights listening to your breathing, afraid that something might happen while I slept. I had watched you through illness and recovery, and each time you came through, I allowed myself to believe a little more in the possibility of a future together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I was not prepared for the possibility that this time, you would not recover.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">On 6 November 2023, you died.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My son, you were thirteen months old.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Even writing those words brings me back to a reality I once could not imagine. You had lived beyond the prognosis that had frightened us. You had reached your first birthday. You had learned new things, smiled, laughed, moved around, and filled our lives with moments I will always treasure. I had begun to imagine more birthdays, more milestones, and more years of watching you grow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And then, in a matter of hours, the future I had started to picture was no longer the future I would get to experience with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Hope I thought would carry us further<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">One of the hardest things about losing you was that I had begun to believe we were moving beyond the worst of our journey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Hope had slowly returned to places in me that fear had occupied for months. I was no longer thinking only about the next hospital appointment or the next possible complication. I was beginning to think about ordinary life: the things you might learn, the places we might go, the birthdays we might celebrate, and the memories we still had time to make.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I had watched you reach milestones that once felt uncertain. I had watched you recover after becoming seriously ill in September. I had celebrated your first birthday with a heart full of gratitude. Each experience had helped me believe that perhaps we had crossed another difficult bridge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I know now that hope is not a guarantee. It cannot promise us a particular outcome, no matter how deeply we wish for one. But when you are a mother watching your child grow through medical uncertainty, hope can become the place where you find the strength to face another day. It allows you to celebrate what is happening now without surrendering entirely to what you fear might happen later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">I had hoped for more time with you<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That hope was not foolish. It was the hope of a mother who loved her child, who had watched him fight through difficult beginnings, and who wanted to believe that the milestones he had reached were the beginning of many more to come.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Your life had already taught me not to measure your worth by a prognosis. I had learned to see you as a whole person, not as a collection of medical concerns. I had learned to celebrate you for who you were, not only for what you were able to overcome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I did not love you because you had survived against the odds. You know I loved you because you were my son. Your milestones brought me joy, but you never had to achieve anything to deserve my love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You were enough simply because you were you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And thirteen months, however precious, was not the amount of time I had hoped to have with you. To be continued&#8230;<br><em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.forevermissed.com\/blog\/author\/thokozile-kadango\/\" data-type=\"link\" data-id=\"https:\/\/www.forevermissed.com\/blog\/author\/thokozile-kadango\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Read the Full Series<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Losing a child is a journey no parent is ever prepared for. In this chapter of I Carried You, I Hold You Beyond Loss, a mother reflects on the hope&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":34,"featured_media":1776,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[64],"tags":[66,8,25,20,74,26,9],"class_list":["post-1775","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-grief-series","tag-childloss","tag-coping-with-grief","tag-grief-community","tag-grief-support","tag-loss-of-a-child","tag-loss-of-a-loved-one","tag-online-memorial"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>I carried you, I hold you beyond loss. Part 6:\u00a0When Everything Changed - ForeverMissed Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A mother loses her 13-month-old son after months of medical uncertainty. 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