Two days before Pop-pops's 80th birthday (on July 21st) my Mom sent me an email with a song heavy on her heart. Knowing he was now home with Hospice Care and what that actually meant she thought it would be something beautiful to present for his going home service.
She asked if it was normal to be thinking of this; the beauty of Pop-pop's passing was that it wasn't a surprise and that we had time to say our goodbyes, plan, and to continue to get to know him and spend time with him.
When mom sent me the song I knew exactly what it was having learned to dance it and performed it in the past. I thought it was a perfect idea as I could illustrate its meaning through dance. One problem, it has been quite some time since I had danced it and I needed a refresher. I actually wanted to dance it for Pop-pop one last time...
I listened to the song over and over trying to remember the dance, each time it made me sad and I would sing it and end up crying the whole song through. Even though I knew the end was near it was still painful to think about it and the meaning of the song.
With all that was going on I was not able to make it to the studio for a refresher until August 3rd (almost two weeks later). I had not seen my fellow dancers since before Pop-pop was in the hospital back in late May/ early June. It was hard to enter the room and explain why I wanted to refresh this older song. I was greeted with hugs from the owners of the studio. The Praise Hula class was about to start. I explained my reason for this special request. We opened up the class with a prayer and jumped right into 'I Can Only Imagine'; It came right back to me.
I had spent the night before by Pop-pop's side, held his hand in mine as he struggled for each breath. I knew his time was close but he was still doing relatively well. He recognized my voice, was responsive, and still had a mighty grip. After a restless night I went about my Saturday but first stopped at the studio for the song. Something felt very strange all day, but I just put it to exhaustion and stress. I called to check in on him and Syd later that evening.
It was 11PM or so and I was so hungry, usually I would just go to sleep but something made me get up to eat. I finally was able to go to sleep around midnight. An hour passed, I missed 3 phone calls and a text and a few calls to my husbands phone before we were able to actually wake up (remarkably only a span of 5 minutes).
Pop-pop had passed. There was peace. I now knew why I was supposed to eat so late as I made my drive to Nana's house. And now every time I hear the song now a smile comes to my face.
I can only Imagine....
-Lil' Steph
"I Can Only Imagine"
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
[Chorus]
I can only imagine [x2]
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xwzItqYmII