I want to add that a lot of the notes I see on your wall are positive and happy, remembering you fondly. I guess I'm just not quite there yet, at least not right now. I feel furious over what happened, not furious at you but just furious in general, as if maybe there was something I could have done to help you or make you feel less alone. I sometimes think "what if I had called you more often?" Even worse, I think about the time I stood you up one night when I told you I'd meet you at Evan's apartment but I ended up letting you down because I was too drunk to drive over. I have a vivid image in my head of you hopping on my bike and driving over saying "okay i'll see you soon!" and I fully intended on going over, but I was drinking so I literally just lost track of time or got side-tracked and didn't even make it over. I am so mad that I did that, I will never forgive myself for it. I hear you in my head saying "Why didn't you come over?" I think you were hurt.I would do literally anything to be able to go back in time and race over there to see you, because I would be so excited to see you again. I would never do that ever again, if I had the chance to make it up. We could have had more fun experiences if I had just went over to Evan's apartment so we could all hang out.
I was home a couple of months ago and I tore through the garbage bags with your things in them, looking for answers. I didn't find much I guess, because I think underneath it all I'm looking for answers about what happened, and they just aren't there. But I am just so confused, and the questions I have will bother me for the rest of my life, because you are the only one who can answer them and you aren't here. I have your camera here in my closet, and I haven't gone through it yet even though I want to, because doing those kinds of things are huge tasks for me and I have to be in the right mindset to do it. It is really hard.
I never even saw your body Brendan so I sometimes wonder if you are even dead at all. I know I'm crazy but sometimes this fleeting idea comes into my head that maybe you are still out there somewhere.