ForeverMissed
This memorial was created in memory of our son, brother and friend, Carson von Aspen. We will love him always and remember him forever.
Posted by Carsons Crusaders on June 13, 2022
4 years

So many things can happen in 4 years.
High school, medical school, college, the all just pass by in just 4 short years.
I can still remember you at four, in preschool with Miss Mary, still learning how to translate those deep thoughts into words.
Such a thinker, so cerebral, so very much missed.

You have always been careful to consider others, observant and kind. Outside of your sisters, many girls considered you their best friend, confidant and encourager.
I think you would’ve made a wonderful father, coach and husband.

I can’t help but think about the next 4 years. Most of your friends are finishing their first degree, getting married and starting families.
In 4 more years mine will all be grown, out on their own.
In 4 years I will still be here alone and waiting for when my last 4 years allows me to be reunited with you.

Love,
Mom

Posted by Carsons Crusaders on July 10, 2021
Happy 21st Birthday!

Posted by Carsons Crusaders on April 8, 2021
The days and months rush by, in contrast to the day you passed when time was at a standstill.
Some days rapid passage is welcomed, knowing we are one day closer to reunification with you.
Other days, I wish time would pause, allowing processing of your absence with reminiscence of memories to fill the large void your silence leaves behind.
Suicide strangles, smothers and squelches hope.
It stole your sense of wonder, your spark and sniffed out your life light.
Suicide, the personification of evil, tricking your mind into telling you worthless lies, clouding your discernment, deceiving your ability to recognize your worthiness, your love, your strength to overcome.
I believe you didn’t want to leave and how I wish we were able to have known, to have helped you fight and convince you otherwise.
The responsibility and duty to carry on your wish has now shifted to those you left behind.

Sharing your story of your love of friends, your competitive spirit, your compassion for others also lost and figuring out life’s purpose.
You continue to reach out from beyond the veil to guide others and warn of worry to those you love.
It is in this Hope we cry, we grieve, but we survive. We crusade on, in your name, to be a light in the darkness, the hand to pull back a soul from the depth, a defeater of suicide. ❤️

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Posted by Carsons Crusaders on June 13, 2022
4 years

So many things can happen in 4 years.
High school, medical school, college, the all just pass by in just 4 short years.
I can still remember you at four, in preschool with Miss Mary, still learning how to translate those deep thoughts into words.
Such a thinker, so cerebral, so very much missed.

You have always been careful to consider others, observant and kind. Outside of your sisters, many girls considered you their best friend, confidant and encourager.
I think you would’ve made a wonderful father, coach and husband.

I can’t help but think about the next 4 years. Most of your friends are finishing their first degree, getting married and starting families.
In 4 more years mine will all be grown, out on their own.
In 4 years I will still be here alone and waiting for when my last 4 years allows me to be reunited with you.

Love,
Mom

Posted by Carsons Crusaders on July 10, 2021
Happy 21st Birthday!

Posted by Carsons Crusaders on April 8, 2021
The days and months rush by, in contrast to the day you passed when time was at a standstill.
Some days rapid passage is welcomed, knowing we are one day closer to reunification with you.
Other days, I wish time would pause, allowing processing of your absence with reminiscence of memories to fill the large void your silence leaves behind.
Suicide strangles, smothers and squelches hope.
It stole your sense of wonder, your spark and sniffed out your life light.
Suicide, the personification of evil, tricking your mind into telling you worthless lies, clouding your discernment, deceiving your ability to recognize your worthiness, your love, your strength to overcome.
I believe you didn’t want to leave and how I wish we were able to have known, to have helped you fight and convince you otherwise.
The responsibility and duty to carry on your wish has now shifted to those you left behind.

Sharing your story of your love of friends, your competitive spirit, your compassion for others also lost and figuring out life’s purpose.
You continue to reach out from beyond the veil to guide others and warn of worry to those you love.
It is in this Hope we cry, we grieve, but we survive. We crusade on, in your name, to be a light in the darkness, the hand to pull back a soul from the depth, a defeater of suicide. ❤️
his Life

Graduation

Today Lauren graduated from High School.

You, not here to see it, give her a hug, congratulate and tease her a bit about how she already has her university classes picked out.

Your friends graduated some going on once again to further their education, some starting  families, getting married and experiencing life without you here.

I try and remember your essence is always here but at times it feels as if I’m looking through a store glass window at all the going ons inside but begin just out of reach.

It felt that way today sitting with family some not seen for months due to busy lives, miscommunication and anger.
I often wonder what you would think or say as the peace keeper. It was pleasant and strained
Awkward and sad. 

So much has changed, in society, in history, in our lives. 

I continue to exist with mine forever changed.



Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart,
as though you were working for the Lord and not for people.
~Colossians 3:23.

Today Lauren was awarded student athlete of the month. A wonderful addition to senior night and her birthday.
Although her numbers are impressive it is her heart, determination and drive in the face of adversity that makes this award so special. 
It hasn’t been easy raising your sisters without you here. Even harder not to hear you cheering her on from the stands. I know we hear the phrase “you will always be around” or “he’s watching over you” it is not the same as a hug, high five or pride in watching her make a great play.
Today was a moment for Lauren to be Lauren the athlete, the captain the sister, the friend.
She will always be your sister but for a moment today she was recognized for being Lauren. 

Advocacy

June 8, 2021

Advocate:

- to publicly support or recommend a cause
a call to action of policy -

To advocate sounds righteous and well intended, mobile and causative.

Advocating for suicide prevention hardly feels noble and more like an intrinsic duty.
As certainly no one endorses suicide as an approved means of death.

One could argue that if faced with a fatal diagnosis or fear of constant excruciating pain perhaps those of us not in such depth would be accepting of such a fate, and here in lies the concern.

Who gets to decide if we live or die? 
God, chance, genetics, life choices?
Who chooses to have a disease of the mind, likely about the same number as those choosing cancer or Alzheimer’s disease...... zero.
We applaud those fighting back with treatment and rally behind those that do, and even then people die.
Please don’t mistake this as an endorsement for suicide.
It is much more complex and that is my point.
Suicide is multidimensional, multicultural and never pragmatic. 
Would one still choose chemotherapy knowing that if only screening was completed earlier it may have prevented the cancer in the first place. 

I know not one of us left behind would argue this way, for we are the advocates of life.
We advocate for the prevention of lost dreams, hopes and broken hearts. 
We advocate for early intervention, discussion and early identification.
We advocate to squelch stigma, promote earlier conversation to ultimately defeat death by self and  in doing so advocate against suicide. 


Recent stories

September 11, 2021

Shared by Carsons Crusaders on September 11, 2021
I was a school nurse in 2001. I had left my position at St. Joe’s because I wanted a day schedule and more time with you. I honestly wanted to be a stay at home Mom but we couldn’t afford it at the time. I still remember that summer. 
I had you in daycare with a stay at home teacher whose son was about your age you absolutely hated it every second hated it. You would cry from the time I left until I came home. I had so much guilt that grandma stepped in until I returned to the hospital in November of 2001.

I was in the office that day in September, when a member from the front office came in and told me to turn on my television set. It was surreal to see buildings burning and people jumping out of the tower building to their death it was terrible and real.
I have never experienced so much tragedy before in my entire life. Little did I know, 17 years later would become the hardest day of my life.

I vowed from that day to never to forget September 11th; and when I mean never forget I mean that tremendous loss inspired me today to keep my memories of those passed alive each day in my everyday life.

Yesterday that started with the dedication of your  memory bench. Perhaps a way to inspire trends in the fight to end suicide. 
Until then, I will forever remember 911 and my time as an elementary school nurse. ❤️

21 Years

Shared by Carsons Crusaders on July 10, 2021
7-10-2021

21 years old today!!  Happy Birthday Carson Robert

I remember telling you how special it was to be born in the year 2000. Every birthday easy to remember. You were originally due July 4th and I thought what a wonderful celebration with fireworks every year.
God delivered you (and I mean that, it was literally a near death experience) on July 10th. Perfect in every way, loved from the minute you were conceived and as much as we could pack into 17 short years.

Today I am nostalgic as I cannot believe 21 years has rushed by. It is literally unimaginable. It went so quickly  so much more we were waiting to do with you.
Happy birthday my son. We celebrate you at the park we wished you had seen and sat in cheering your team to victory. 

Your must be amazing from where you are!

June

Shared by Carsons Crusaders on June 3, 2021
Today as I was leaving a patient home I saw a young man in the driveway kneeling near the trunk of his car.

At first glance nothing odd, perhaps he was unpacking or searching for something.

As I made my way to my car I heard the cries, a deep sob caught in his throat.

“I just want peace, I want stability,” he screamed, likely thinking he was alone.

My heart caught in my throat as the hair on the back of my neck rose in 100 degree weather; much like the day my phone rang the officer telling me my son was dead.


A million thoughts ran through my mind in a course of those brief seconds.

Do I mind my own business?

Do I call the police?

Do I offer to help?


These are the choices we all have when faced with conflict. 

I talk about prevention but do I turn a blind eye to those hurting?

I speak about my son but in doing so do I ignore someone else’s?

So today I walked up to this 21 yr old
 “I don’t know you but I am willing to get you some help and if not I’m just here to listen.”

It may seem insignificant that I offered help.
For me this was monumental, every cell in my body shook with anguish for this boy, for my son. 
in speaking with him I was talking to Carson.
I don’t have the answers for this young man, I am left  with Carson’s story and how I wish this simple yaks could’ve been an option as he suffered, making a decision to end his life. 

No matter how many I save I cannot bring him back. 
So for today I serve as this boys surrogate, buffering for the time being his mother’s pain. Hoping he will choose to stay, he will spare his mother the agony of finding her child alone in a driveway just asking for peace.

This is Carson’s legacy and I share his story to those needing someone to just listen praying you too will wait, seek help and stay for one more day.