This still hurts.. I love you -Lea Ann

I hope your heavenly celebration of life was a wonderful as the time we were able to love each other! Happy Heavenly Birthday! I Love You! - Lea Ann

Happy Birthday in Heaven!
I always miss you, I ALWAYS remember you.. I remember us, I've never unloved you, nor will I. I am so greatful for all the moments you stood strong in my weaknesses of great and panic, And never let me go. I know the celebration of your Birth is grande where you are. Your time of existence here should be celebrated. You are Loved, Chad, and forever missed.
Love, 
Lea Ann

May I cherish our memories?
Can I remember the pain of losing you,
And still , somehow..
In some way..
Let go.
I said I would hold you forever,
But is it the loss I must hold onto?
Can i still giggle to myself over the weird little memories?
May I shake away the days that I spent walking that pond, knocking on neighbor's doors, hoping your disappearance was just one of cold feet. Hoping this was something that could be resolved. A moment of weakness, and that you'd be back to me come morning light. After that rain fell so hard and I refused to quit searching. Exhausted and drenched, everytime I returned to our home, I hope to see you there, on the couch, the porch, the kitchen, .. anywhere.. safe and sound. May I let the memory fade of crying out on that porch "please, please, just come home! I promise , I swear it, won't say a word, I won't be mad, please ! Come home, be safe! Come home!" .
I miss you all the time Chad. I Love You. This wont change. But does that mean I wont ever Love again or get to be Loved? Do I have to forget our laughter, long hugs, tender touches, passionate grabs, stories, dances in the kitchen, video games, your public declarations of loving me when we'd go out. I am sorry for feeling awkward during those moments. I long for them now. Someone who'll love me as publicly and shamelessly as you had. How does one let go of such a memory of You.? And must release all of you? Or can I remember the blessings that you were? How does one move on from the intimacy we shared? How? Today my memories are walking into the florist with my father just before the funeral, and changing the wedding flowers to funeral ones. My God! How/in what ways/ in which specifics, am I to let go and still honor the Love that you opened me up to. 
We were to head to Tennessee soon, y'know,. For our wedding.. 9 yrs ago...
We'd be lovingly fighting over our 9th anniversary.. instead.... well,...
Chad,
I Love You,
Lea Ann

Happy Birthday Honey! My memories of you, the fond ones, well all of them really, I hold onto them, revisit you on occasions such as this. Or when I'm working the dry goods on the grocery isle. Remember that thing you taught me with the boxes? I do.. I still get shakey when I even think about attempting it with the glass jars. Though, sometimes, I give it a go, just to show you that I havent forgotten. I miss you, but that's a thing I believe will always be there. The missing you. Noone is you, I know this. But during different times and moments .. I remember you, fondly. Even the fights and arguments, all the things. We both would have been 40 together. I bet you'd still be teasing me of the 11 days older than you, that I am. Still though, youd be an old man too hahaa... we were supposed to be on rocking chairs right now playing some silly game to determine who got to yell at the youngins for not comin in till late.  There weren't any street lamps where we were, I remember. For your birthday, I run through the fond moments and silly conversations and plans we had for the future. I honor your birth by embracing our moments. Soon, I'll make the rotel chicken. Soon. Those little things I didnt think I could hold onto. I grasp them now, and I'm grateful to have experienced these things. To have been able to lay there on your chest and wine all my insecurities as you roll your eyes and play with my hair. I'm thankful to experience you. I talk to my daughter of you. Probably too much. She knows that it is because of the way you showed me love, and all the things, that I was even able to have had her. I wonder if you e found your favorite little bar way up there? I bet you're hanging out, laughing, having your birthday beers. Remember when we dressed up for halloween and went to the bar? Remember when you held my hand all night that time. Remember when?... I go through your memories daily. I flood myself with them on days like today. I hope you are enjoying your space today, I hope its filled with all the loves and smiles and beautiful vibes that are You. I Love You Chad, Happy Birthday Darling.
Always,
Lea Ann <3

I've written this letter over and over to you my love, ...its all too long in memory for a site.
I write your letters on paper now.. and stash them throughout books and files as to revisit memories from time to time. As if I need a page to remind me.
Time hasn't faded memory much, not the good stuff. It brings longing for more.
I Love You Chad,
I just do.
Still,

LeaAnn

Happy Birthday Darling! I celebrte your time on earth every day. The memories you've encouraged and we've created together. I see glimpses of you all the time. Flashes of your smile, your face, your silhouette gliding through a crowd. I'm grateful. Words have been hard since the anniversary of your arrival to the world.. maybe I'm able to better convey today.
This morning was one of the last of an astral alignment of the moon and planets... it felt fantastic to see the alignment an hour before dawn this morning... then something happened, I took a photo and an mysterious star or planet or thing shows in the foreground of the sky .. without a lens , it wasnt there, with one.. it shines bigger and brighter than the alignment in front of me.. this star is you... brighter than any I've seen, captivating, mesmerizing, encouraging, breathless you..glowing brighter and unseen to a plain eye... thank you for allowing me to love you for a short time. Thank you for showing me soo much love, patience.. oh, the patience!,.. for being there, for being here, for being. Thank you for your time and attention, the kisses, the laughter, video games and giggles, the walks and rainy afternoons of chest talk and tangled sheets. Thank you for the blush that comes over my entire soul with the just the thought of sound, of rain on a metal roof. I remember.  Thank you for you, my love.. .. I Love You Chad, I'm happy to Love You
Always,
Lea Ann

Forever Missed.... Those words ring through my shoulders, weighs around my torso, just like the hugs that you used to wrap me in. i picture us in the here and now.. Somehow, you are here apart of my simply happy life. I see you gently closing the door to our little one's room, tiptoeing towards me at the other end of the hall, mouthing the words "she's asleep, Game ON" as we run toward the living room landing in slumps of giggles and love as we hear the super nintendo fire up, controllers in hands, you kiss me. I see us all the time. Every day, i see us as i visioned we would be. Slight changes, as my surroundings change, but my soul, it still reaches for yours. You Amazing Man.
Today, I step gently as I walk, as to not jostle back the part where Im sat down, with those strange guys delivering unwanted information. I beg silently, why couldn't they have said anything else.. anything opposite of what was happening. but the time for "whys" well, they've passed. do you remember my last dream, you came to me, you held me i was in that white dress, you were full of sweet tones and comforting hands. i still feel the hold you had on me. Can one say it haunts if its wanted?.. i remember your kiss goodbye, in that dream, that last dream. .. the way you told me how sorry you were. i didn't know what for, for a very long time. i think i know now. maybe. maybe not. all i really know is that in spirit, you are there. and I Love You.

It's your Birthday, ... a day to celebrate such a handsome, loving soul brought to earth.. I remember us by that dam.. catching those little fish, and the sweetest kisses... walking the path to game stop... I remember Us.. Your wonderful soul, Your amazing heart, and incredible Love.. Your being deserves to be celebrated. .. I'm thankful for our time time together, I'm truly blessed to Love You and have felt your Love in return... Happy Birthday in Heaven Honey... I Love you...... .... still...
Always,
Lea

I've tried my Love, I've tried everything .. I've tried living, forcing the process way to early, and then learning that it's you Chad.. it's you forever inside of my heart.. It's You, there with me, granting me your presence,... Missing you doesn't even begin, neither does the word longing.. longing for those nights of Nintendo battles, laying my head on your chest aso you stroked my hair telling me that I sure am a testy pistol when I feel insecure.. telling me how you Love it, how you Love me for not hiding a bit of it.. Chad, Ibe given "moving on" a chance.. I embrace every blessing... do you see the bright eyes and rambunctious dream we had together...she's amazing Love, Thank You.. I'm writing you tonight as I falk asleep because I don't know what to make of tonight's appearance... I've seen you my Love, during my studies and experiences of personal spiritual journey, I've seen you in the flesh , but before it was always a glace-ish.. sometimes moments more but your words would resonate into ab inner conversation... but not tonight.. tonight I almost fell when I saw you walk into the quaint little pizza place , sit alone, order pizza have a cold drink, and then stepped to the karaoke mic and begin singing ... I couldn't help but to watch you step outside for a cigarette, .. walk back in and fill your cup.. I watched yournfacw, your jawlinw, your eyebrows, your ahoulders, your .... I saw you Chad... is this You? ,.. is this .. no.. it can't be... or is it?.. I will never Love another as intensely, but this being... could it be?.. oh my Soul, Lord help me to quiet down the possibilities so that I may regain focus to vision so that I may hear God on this, as clearly if not more than ever before... Dear Lord, could it be?.... Chad, I Love You.. --Lea

Hi Phyllis I read your comments on Dayna Browns website at Caring bridge and then came across this link, allowing me to get in touch all the way from Germany, I am so very sorry that you lost your dear son at such a young age, please feel free to write to me. May God bless you and your family

Chad, Mom is sitting here in this lonely hotel room..sounds like a song...missing you baby boy! We all miss that sweet, handsome face of yours. Seems like just yesterday you left us. I will never forget that day they found you. My whole world came crashing down. If I had one one to decribe our love it would be "Complete" because it was so perfect wasn't it? I love you...MOM~

Chad..why did you go on that walk and never come back? Why did you fall in the water and drown? Why, why, why?? I know you hit your head because of the gash above your eye. I just wish I would have went on the walk with you!! I miss you sooooo much. I can't think anymore, all I do is miss you and cry. Please give me a sign you are with me!! That would help so much.

Going to see the Dr. today son. Mom is having all these anxiety attacks..and can't sleep at night. All I think about is YOU! I love you my forever baby boy!!

Chad,
Mom misses you, and I know you are with Jesus now..so it helps me to know that. I just wish you didn't have to go. I can't take it sometimes. I cry alot, and want you back! I'm going through the phases of grief, and I hate it! But, I will go on .. for you.