It’s been several months now, friend. The pain has made it feel like a lifetime, though. Not to be a dick or anything, but losing you really made my world crumble. Not to say I was that dependent on you, just that... we shared the same struggle. You were my person, and now I’m totally lost and alone in the world.
There are friends, don’t get me wrong. Amazing friends who I love and appreciate for being there for me through these months, but none of them are you. None of them offered to get together on my birthday weekend and cry with me. None of them get the jokes that we privately shared.
I’ve started two new (so 3 total now) medications for my depression since you died. Clearly they aren’t helping with happiness but they’re definitely the only thing that’s kept me from following you.
I’m not a believer in the after life so it’s not about wanting to die to see you again, as much as I would love that. it’s that I’m regularly envious that you aren’t suffering anymore, and I am. I’m not sure it’s possible for people like us to ever be happy. We are the manufacturer defects that should've been tossed out right away. I know that this isn’t really what this page was for, but since I created it I’m taking liberties and doing what I want.
I miss you every single day. It’s finally gotten to the point that I don’t hear your amazing laugh in my head constantly. I still hear it now and then, but ever since your celebration of life... I had to force myself to put you as far from my thoughts as possible. It was (and still is) too painful. I had to let myself be angry at you for giving in to the pain. Especially pain brought on by that human garbage who you dated. I’m so fucking mad at you for not knowing how much you were valued and loved.
I’m angry that you called me just a few hours before you did something that can never be taken back. I know you were in a frenzied state but how could you call me at 2 that morning knowing I’d be asleep with the phone off. How could you let me spend the rest of my life wondering (knowing, because this wasn’t the first time) if I’d woken up, I could’ve kept you alive.
How could you not leave me a private goodbye, a message telling me that there was nothing I could’ve done, anything to make the pain of losing you any less painful. I feel like I’m slowly dying inside every day. Not just because you’re gone... but you know all of the reasons. You are the only person who really knew me all. The only person I had to turn to who understood me. The only one who knew how painful it is to wake up every day being disappointed that you didn’t have an aneurism in your sleep.
I forgive you for leaving me, I forgive you for all of it... because I know how desperate you felt. I know the gut wrenching pain. The thoughts of just turning the wheel sharply toward the cliff when driving to and from work every day. Doing all of the right things. Taking medicine that makes you physically sick just for the hope that it might ease the pain that is being alive. And knowing none of it helps enough. I forgive you. I envy you. I miss you.
I haven’t been able to watch our TV shows. I couldn't bring myself to finish watching the final season of "you're the worst" and the 9th season of American Horror Story started this week. I haven't been able to watch it either. Same with Preacher. So many things that we shared are lost to me. I didn't just lose my best friend, I lost everything that ever meant anything to me. Because we shared all of those moments together over the last seven years.My life is empty and my heart is broken. I used to enjoy my commutes, but now I just spend them crying. There is never a day I don't think about how much of a relief it would be to have the pain stop.
I used to think I could never do that to my parents and siblings. Lately the pain is so intense, I can am slowly feeling myself put distance between myself and my family. Fighting with them over nonsense so they could be relieved if I were gone, instead of sad. I don't want to hurt anyone but the pain they would feel wouldn't come close to this pain I'm trying to live through. Its just not fair. If I know my life will never be better, why can’t I make the choice to stop living in pain? I have been fighting so hard. I've done everything my therapist says I should do to help myself. I have taken all of the medicines that are supposed to help me feel less awful... and they do help some, but not enough to overcome this despair.
I tried to go to a concert with a couple of my good friends, about 10 minutes after the opening band went on I just broke down in tears because they played a cover of Summertime Saddens, which we had at least three inside jokes about. I had to call for a ride and left. You are EVERYWHERE.
You really, really broke my heart Dana. We didn't go more than hours most days without texting or taking online or hanging out. Almost every single thing in my life I'd come to love, enjoy, or spent time doing in the last 7 years before you were gone, was done with you, or we whatever it may have been at great length. My entire life hurts because you're everywhere I go. You're the first person I think of when I do manage to laugh, which obviously is short lived because... you're not here for me share it with.
I know this is a post people will condemn me for posting, but I'm used to being hated, so fuck it. I envy you. I wish I was brave enough to follow your lead. I wish it would all just end. I'm so incredibly tired. The pain is exhausting, and completely debilitating. I can't have any kind of life because I'm consumed by pain so intense I can barely breath most of the time. But, I'm so fucking pathetic I don't even have the balls to end it. I'm sorry... this is dark, but it's also real... and I need to get it out.
If I'm wrong about it all, and you're somehow out there... you know that you are missed. I'll never have another friend like you in my entire life. I wouldn't ever even want one.
I just really, really miss you. So it goes, I guess. Life hasn't ever been incredibly kind to me, I didn't know I was this weak after a lifetime of building walls to protect myself. You got in. You were my person. The friend every one dreams they will have and few are lucky enough to find. And now, I'll never have a person again. I'm glad your pain has ended, but I'm so angry at you for leaving me. That's irrational, I know. I think the anger is the only thing keeping me alive though.
you forever . Until forever finally ends.
