ForeverMissed
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His Life

My David

June 21, 2016

There is so much to say, and I don't know where to begin, so I'll explain what most are unaware of. Half of me died with Dave, and I am still struggling to cope with my new reality of living without him by my side. I asked Kaitlyn, "If Dave were to come back for 30 seconds, what would you say to him?" She said she would tell him she is disappointed in him, and that she loves him. Breaks my heart. 

It's not a pretty story; reality often isn't...  For the 10 years Dave and I were together, I knew of his emotional pain that stemmed from the death of his mother in 2001; she passed away from lupus. I also knew of his lifelong intense pain and depression from a complicated upbringing. Some prefer to look the other way, like it didn't exist, similar to how they looked away as Dave suffered the from suicidal thoughts as long as I can remember. It became very scary during the last year, and truly terrifying the last few months, and although I could see it unfolding and I tried like hell to help him, I couldn't keep it from happening.

I felt like I was the only one who cared. I was working 40-plus hours a week, raising an extremely taxing Adhd toddler, dealing with MS, taking full-time college courses, seriously financially strapped, and I was still always there for Dave, always. 

I'm not here to sugar-coat anything and hide behind fear. Dave was a very emotional, sweet, intelligent, humorous but depressed man, and he often tried to hide his real self from others. He put on a happy face, a pleasant tone, and tried to say all the right things when he was being nagged and verbally/emotionally attacked. Then, he would break down to me at how exhausting it was to "act", as he would call it. He didn't feel accepted, and living a lie was literally killing him. Dave's words. The hiding and masking were learned patterns from childhood. He had been "acting" since he was a kid. I heard all about it, many, many times, for years. I cried for him, with him, and still do. He wanted to understand why his life was that way and how he could escape depression and abuse, but he couldn't get past it.

Dave truly gave in to his pain earlier this year when his best friend's tragic and shocking death struck him deep. If that had not have happened, it would have been something else anyway. Dave just couldn't endure anymore pain. 

I had Dave at a hospital twice in February for suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, and mild psychosis from alcohol. Dave tried to quit drinking so many times. Each time he went from large consumption to quitting cold turkey, he damaged his body even more. That up and down pattern causes many other detrimental conditions in the body. He didn't want to be in the hospital anymore...he didn't want anymore pain...he didn't want to feel like he let everyone down anymore...he felt hopeless and spoke about how he didn't want to live. On the last day I saw Dave, February 28, 2016, he looked me in the eyes and said, "Will you let me kill myself?" He asked me this in a quiet, painful, begging sort of way. Just when I thought I couldn't feel more pain, I did. What a question to ask me. We talked and I pleaded with him to let me help him, but he had no answers. For years, I was alone in my fight for him, and sadly, I could not carry the weight of his pain on my shoulders. The ones who should have been there to help in any way possible, were not. Hindsight can be excruciating, as I am sure they feel now. 

Mental illness is real. Would you say to someone who has cancer, "Just suck it up; tomorrow will be better"? Clinical depression is not a character flaw: it is an illness. Depressives are not weak, they are ill.

I did not have the means to get Dave professional help and give him a fighting chance. We've all heard the saying: God gives us everything we need. Well, God DID give Dave a source from whom he could have received those "means" to get help, but that opportunity was not offered, even upon my personal request, several times. So sad, and it makes me angry. Integrity is doing the right thing at all times, in all circumstances. We live in a world where integrity is rare and "the end justifies the means." This ending is not justified, and it didn’t need to happen. God is managing that Karma now...

To the person who was so "shocked that this actually happened" (verbatim), I FIRST told you in 2011 that you would go to Dave's funeral in your lifetime. I continued to tell you he needed help. I did not tear you to shreds at the memorial for one reason only; Dave specifically asked me not to. He made me promise to leave it alone and walk away from wasting my words. So that's what I did, for Dave, not you. 

In the end, Dave took his life. He overdosed on several drugs, including benzos, opiates, cocaine, heroin, and alcohol. Anyone who says it was accidental is fooling themselves, and others. I have read the report in detail, and have reviewed it with a medical professional. Dave was an "all or nothing" type of person. His alcohol level alone was enough to bring him to the brink of death. He still added everything else; Dave wanted to make sure he left this world as he intended, at that moment of immense suffering. It cuts me deep, and it will for every second of every minute of every day, forever...until I see him again.  

I am grateful for the wonderful years we had together. I couldn't believe how much I loved him, and he loved me just as much; he told me all the time. Despite the tough times with Dave's addictions, depression, and pain, the good times make up for all of that. Without each other, neither of us would have known true love and the immense happiness and joy that we were so blessed to experience. I will forever have those memories, and I will continue to find a way to manage as I wake up every day to the reality that something is missing...my sweet man, My David. 

Tammy