MY LIFE MOVING FORWARD  May 7, 2021

Today I did not see my sun. It is very overcast plus I woke up later than usual this morning.

But maybe I was not supposed to see my sun this morning because it is the day that we finally lay Denzil to rest.

Today is his funeral. Lord, give me the strength to go on, to face the fact that I will never see or speak to my brother again. How do I come to terms with that?

But I have to…despite my feelings, because this is what life is all about. The only thing constant in this world is CHANGE! That was one of Denzil’s and my favourite expression. Given everything that we have been through, we knew how change can impact our lives.

I think I got another sign from Denzil yesterday. It came in the form of a wind that would keep blowing my garden door open. My husband and I had to go outside to close that door four times before it stopped opening.

There is nothing defective about the clasp, the wind was strong but not that strong that after a few minutes it would open again. Not only open but bang very loudly, and not stop until I went outside to latch it again. This happened four times in a 30 min period. Coincidence? Maybe…. but I think it was Denzil being his goofy self, trying to get me to come outside to a place where we hung out, barbequed and took photos in the snow during his winter visits.

My brother is still here with me, he will always be here with me.That is my comfort and my solace.

Like every morning since May 3 when I received the devastating news that my brother and lifelong friend had passed unto the other world, I woke up to a world of sadness and despair. I would draw the blinds and look outside and wonder why is everything the same? Why does everything seem normal when nothing will ever be the same again.

Simply because I am now living in a world without Denzil…my rock and my hero, who always looked after me, always making sure I was well taken care of and showing me the world, providing lifelong experiences that I would otherwise never have been privy to, he was my angel here on earth.

Now he’s an angel in heaven.

So today started like the last couple of days…I woke up, brushed my teeth and cried out to the Lord, asking WHY??

Why did you take the one person who make so many lives so much better on a daily basis… someone who was loved, admired, respected by so many? I cried out for understanding and for the peace that passeth all understanding because I am experiencing a pain and a grief I have never experienced before.

I came back downstairs, made my coffee and sat at my computer to document my feelings because I just felt I had to. I started by typing the heading “MY SADNESS/DESPAIR/GRIEF”. I had only gotten that far when the most amazing thing happened!

Directly North East of where I am sitting at my computer, the sun started to rise. In the space of a couple minutes, it became a blinding ball of fire that took my breath away. It shone its rays directly at where I was sitting and for a couple of minutes I could not even see, I was almost blinded, I had to look away so my eyes would not hurt. But I kept looking at it and then it dawned on me…this was Denzil! He was telling me not to be sad…that it was a new day, he is with Jesus in heaven and he is shining his radiance down on me. I cried again and I thanked him for giving me this sign, I blessed him for being the best brother anyone could ever have and thanked him for affording me the opportunity to travel the world with him. I will always love and miss him but he is part of my heart, my soul and no one will ever take those memories away. They will be with me until the day I die and we meet again on that blessed shore, the shore of peace and happiness.

As I conclude, I look in the same direction up to the sun and it has now moved away, no longer visible. The timing of this event could not have been more perfect. Nothing happens by chance…. this was how it had to be, planned down to last second…because Denzil wanted me to experience the joy of a new day, letting me know through that glorious sunrise that he is with me and always will be.

I continued to document my thoughts and feelings about my brother, but I changed the title to “MY LIFE MOVING FORWARD”

I imagine I will have many more moments like this one in the future, but I have to take it one step at a time, because this sadness is just too intense. I pray that God gives us all the peace that passeth understanding, when we try to come to terms with a life without my wonderful brother Denzil.