ForeverMissed
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This memorial website was created in memory of our loved one, DHANPAT RAI GUPTA, 81, born on September 26, 1898, and passed away on April 26, 1980 at 1:00pm in Dehradun. We will remember him forever. He was son of Lala Sagar Mal, grandson of Lala Dewan Singh, great grandson of Lala VilhasRai.

Babu Ji married to Prakash Wati Gupta of Muzaffernagar belonged to Goyal Family. Babuji were brothers of Ganpati Rai Gupta, Birbal Prashad Bansal and Ratana Lal Bansal. He was at second number of brothers. His sisters were Daya Wati and Dhan Wati. 

Amma ji , as above mentioned was from Goyal family. Her sisters were Aasha  Davi and Seeta Davi. Aasha Davi were not having any kids but Seeta Davi were having one son Prem Nidhi and daughters Sukumari and one more.

Babu Ji and Ammaji gave birth to Rajender Kuma.. Sukumar Chandra, Sushil Kumar and Subodh Kumar.

Sukumar and Subodh left us to join Babuji and Ammaji. Rajender Kumar is in Chandausi, India and Sushil is in Wisconsin U.S.A. Both of their wife passed away.

Babuji and Ammaji dedicated their lives helping thousands of people over the course of 50 years through the creation of a free clinic in Meerut, India.  Babuji received his Doctor of Homeopathic Medicine (M.D.H.) degree from University of Allahabad, India in 1927.  Later, he was conferred the honor of becoming the Member of Central Homeopathic League (M.C.H.L.).  While he was an attorney by trade (he had a law degree from Meerut university), his heart was in caring for his patients. With the support of Ammaji, he saw patients in the mornings and evenings and even made house calls.  When they had to leave Meerut on June 10th, 1979 due to illness, people felt a deep sense of loss.  They had planned to stay in Meerut and wait for their third son, daughter-in-law and two grandchildren who were in US for 3 years and were meant to return by the end of 1980. So it was with a heavy heart and eyes full of tears when they were forced to leave their beloved Meerut.  Many people came to say goodbyes and not a single eye was dry as the minivan carrying them to Dehradun left Meerut.  Babuji never got to return to the place where he spent all his life and where they were both loved and respected by thousands.

A fund has been created to honor their lives by helping the development of skilled homeopaths in America.  To see details please visit:
https://homeopathy.org/nash-foundation/scholarships/

Babuji was active member of Rajvansh Sabha, a society and hold the position of Secerety of the society. He was although from a farming back ground but was the first in family to open three cinemas in Meerut. Evening time was working late nights.

To be completed shortly.....

 

I am

son of Babu ji

Sushil Kumar Bansal

U.S.A.


Note from Gudya - the granddaughter:
Ammaji's birthday is not known.  But we celebrate it on the same day as Babaji's - September 26th.  Her birth year was 1906.

She passed away on October 1st, 1994 at 2:00pm in Lucknow at Sukumar Tauji's place.  She was suffering for many years without Babaji and missed her life with him in Meerut very much.  They were counting days for our return from US.  Papa Mummy had just arrived there that day.  Perhaps she was just waiting for them.  I did not get to see either of the two people - Ammaji and Babaji - in the end.  They poured all their love on me since the time I was born. I am left with a legacy of such incredible unconditional love and almost 2000 letters written by both of them to the four of us - mostly between September 1977 and 1981.  Unfortunately I do not have access to later letters written by Ammaji as they were probably in Papa's possession and is lost to me now that even he has been gone for over 6 years.


Ammaji's "Bibi" (Asha Devi - Ammaji's elder sister) passed away on March 4th, 1979 at 4:00am Indian time in Muzaffarnagar.   She was with her nephew (by marriage) in Patel Nagar at that time.  She seems to have died peacefully in bed after spending a normal day.  Her sister-in-law found her in the morning.


Her Date of Birthday is unknown. 
 

 

 

 

 

Tributes

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Sandhia McLeod
April 21
April 21
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Babaji, Aaj mainai aapko supnai mein dekha! 
Last time I saw you was on April 1st, 2022 and before that a very long time ago.

I saw that you were riding your bike on some very hilly mountain to go and take care of some baby. It was very far and I began worrying how you could possibly get there. But finally you did and I took a sigh of relief. But then how would you get back? And you did, safe and sound. I saw myself clapping and happy to see you back. You said you hit two people on bikes :)

Then I woke up but had a continuation of this when I went back to sleep. I think you wanted to write to someone on WhatsApp to let you know if there was a baby closer to home who needed care. You always loved children. You loved us. So this dream had substance and close to how you were, so caring and not thinking of your own welfare. 

I woke up with a smile and am still smiling. I know you are still near by looking after me and showering me with your love that I do not deserve. I was a bit distressed yesterday and perhaps you wanted to reassure me. I choose to believe this. I only wish, Ammaji, that I saw you too. I wish I could write to you and tell you I saw Babaji in my dream.

The words in your letters pain me still. My heart hurts when I read them.

If only...

I miss you both very much.
Miss Papa Mummy...
Miss Tauji and Chachaji...

Perhaps we will meet again some day when my time comes.
Hoping...

Love you very much
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
March 19
March 19
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I went to sleep last night wishing from the bottom of my heart that I would see you in my dream - even if just once ever. I think of you so much but it is extremely rare that you come in my dream.

But last night you granted my wish... as underserving as I am...

I don't think I saw your faces but I did hear you Babaji saying something like "aisai mein kaisai jayagee..." ... still worrying about me... I have a strong feeling of you being there Babaji and while I didn't see or hear Ammaji but I am sure she was there as you two were practically inseparable and I am sure you are always together now. I have a feeling that Mummy was there too and so Papa was probably also.

It was a strangely beautiful dream... very symbolic. I was going up the steps and I believe these steps belonged to the house in Thapar Nagar, Gali # 6 where we used to live. I saw that as I was going up there were jugnu flying about - probably from under my feet and they would transform into butterflies somehow! Oh, it was beautiful! There was something strange and mechanical like a satellite flying overhead in the sky - not sure what that was. But the steps were beautiful! 

Thank you for giving me this gift! I wish I actually saw you but perhaps your souls are at peace now and perhaps this is your way of letting me know. Perhaps where you are there are beautiful skies, jugnu and butterflies fluttering about. 

Perhaps this is your gift to me on upcoming Holi! 
Perhaps this is your way of reassuring me that your love is still with me... that you are still with me...

At least for today I promise not to be sad and to think of only happy memories of our lives together... I had you for almost 18 years of my life and all of those were wonderful years... full of love and happiness. I just wish we were there until the end...

It was a beautiful life when we were together.
It was a beautiful dream last night...

I will just look at your photo where you have a broad smile on your faces and where Ammaji, you look content, loved and peaceful... and be grateful for you and your love.

With all my love
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
March 8
March 8
Poojya Babaji Ammaji and Papa Mummy -- if I could write poetry, I would have said something like this...

"
I search each emerging leaf for traces of you,
strain to hear your laughter in the quickening stream.

But only silence and stillness echo my cries.
As I sink to my knees in anguish,
a hand grasps mine. I turn to find you,
radiant in the dappled sunlight.
“Not gone,” you whisper.
“Only waiting for Spring’s return, and you.”
Joy floods my heart once more.
"

   --- by Tom Kane (Medium)
Sandhia McLeod
March 8
March 8
Poojya Babaji

We bought new plants for roses and have an indoor garden now. How you would have loved it! I remember you used to know if someone plucked a rose or another flower. You loved growing all those plants. Wish you were here. I can just almost "see" the smile on Ammaji's face and the wonder...

Wish you were here... but I already just said that. When I think of you two, I can really feel your touch of hand and your presence. I know you still send me your love in so many ways - and I don't deserve any of it. Yet, I am so happy and feel so very lucky to have been yours.

Remembering you today and always.
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
March 2
March 2
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I told myself this morning that I will try more to think of the happy life we had together and smile at having born where I was...; think about all the love I have received... I do think about how lucky I have been.

But I miss you so...

Your letters are drowning in sorrow and I can't help but think of so many tears we filled your eyes with and so much pain in your heart... when all you gave us was all the love and care you had to give. 

Why didn't you stop us from leaving? I wish you had... I wish you thought a little more about yourself than us and had kept me with you. I am, at least I feel, sure that if I had stayed there, you may have lived longer. I feel certain that the stress and pain of missing us accelerated the decline in your health. I try to picture how it would have been... I try to picture how it would have been if we returned and lived with Ammaji... 

Ammaji, you never said one word of reproach... never a single complain... and that makes the pain of reading your tear-soaked letters even harder. I have lost so many of your letters that you must have written after Babaji... I should have looked in Papa Mummy's boxes when I had the chance... Now I keep putting off reading the last few I have left as that is the end. Though I have more than a thousand pages of your letters... and I am lucky that I have them. They are filled with your love for us... and the pain of losing the home we had together... We were supposed to be together until the end... this was not the way life for any of us to end. But this is how it did.

It saddens me that I am the last one to remember you and there won't be anyone carrying your light forward after I am gone. The legacy you left though will continue to provide some help to some and even if one of them turns out to be half as good and half as kind doctor in the field of homeopathy, I would consider my efforts successful.

I love you both so much.
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
February 11
February 11
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Ammaji, you once wrote soon after you both had to relocate to Dehradun because of Babaji's condition "humnai Neeraj ko bhi dhoka dai diya; Oosko ub akaila rehna padaiga"... You didn't have any choice...

But we did...

For last few days I have been thinking of this a lot and it occurs to me that we are guilty of "dhoka" to both of you. Life was supposed to have gone on until the time came; we were supposed to be together. Never did any of us imagine that you would be left on your own at that time of your life. I love Papa Mummy and they were good people. I can't help wondering, still, what went through their minds when the chance came up to come to US. What did you all talk about? I don't remember any of those talks and whether they were done in my presence. I do remember saying that I didn't want to go and also remember you both saying that I should as life would be uncertain there. How could Papa Mummy decide to leave you on your own? 

This is just another one of those questions that would have come up if not for 25 years of Mummy's illness and all the other stupid family issues. Now It is too late and I can't ask them. There are so many questions that I think of now but no one to answer...

While I know there is no point in thinking of what could or should have been - but how can I help not thinking about these things? The happy memories of growing up under your loving care and the sadness of leaving you - and now the helplessness of never be able to undo the damage will go with me. I often think of how amazed you would be if you were in the car with me when I am driving somewhere... I can see your smile and hear your voice. I see you sitting around in the patio relaxing and drinking tea... I see Papa Mummy going on walks around here... But all just in my imagination.

At least I have that... and the happy memories...

Miss you so very much
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
January 11
January 11
Poojya Ammaji

I read your three letters today written between 8/81 and 12/81. So much changed between these 4 months but you never wrote a word of reproach or let us see that we made you sad.

In August of 81 there were plans to bring you over here and I think you were happy, though worried about what it would cost Papa financially. By October, Papa's replacement had arrived at the embassy and Papa Mummy were expected to return to India leaving us here to finish our schooling. You were worried about the two of us and wanted Papa to stay here until we were done - even though you so wanted to see us...

But by December Papa Mummy's plans had changed and they were thinking of resigning or had already done so with the Embassy. I cannot imagine the disappointment it would have been for you because there was always that hope that eventually we will all be together just like before - Babaji, no longer in body but always in our hearts and we were all so comfortable with each other!
You must have been so sad! But I don't see a word of regret in your letter; only encouragement and worry about our well being.

I marvel at this strength of character, which I am sure Papa inherited from you. 

I wish we had gone back...
I play imaginary game where either you have come here and we are at the airport bringing you home; or at other times we have come back and we are together in Meerut once again! I think if Babaji had lived, we would definitely have been back. But you were just left behind... it makes me so impossibly sad that we didn't honour one wish Babaji had and that we didn't look after you - only for ourselves.

I miss you both so much, Ammaji!.
Thank you for the love you gave us - unconditionally and continually even while you were both going through the worst time of your lives. We were first and foremost in your thoughts.

You are both in mine now...
But it is too late...

Love always
Aapki Gudya


Sandhia McLeod
January 8
January 8
Poojya Ammaji

I have few more letters from you that I need to scan for the book. Haven't done it for a while as I lack the strength to do it. Only a few are left. I so very much regret not going through Papa's papers when he was still around because there is much that is now lost. Also it is hard to pick up the scanning again because it hurts too much to read these letters from you after Babaji. When Papa came to see you and Babaji in June of 1979, you said in the tape that when we return we will live together once again just like before - "hum phir waisai he rahaingai, hasaingai bolaingai...". All those hope dashed and nothing was ever the same after September of 1977 with us leaving you two on your own. We didn't return; you didn't/ couldn't come and Babaji was gone. 

Somehow "your Gudya" (you used to say "meri Gudya") got lost... in new life; in her own World and life and forgot about you and the hopes and wishes we all once shared; and a wish that Babaji made - his one and only.

I think about this often now-a-days; in fact every day as I read two of yours and Babaji's letters every day - one that he wrote on September 7th, 1977 and the other one from you after Babaji was gone and you were just tired and missed your life with Babaji who took care of every need you ever had. You were the center of his universe. I think of this often because that is almost where I am. Chris looks out for me the way Babaji did for you. At least this one wish of yours that "meri Gudya ko achcha ladka mil jayai, wo khush rahai" has come true. It must have been so hard for you to move ever four months and nothing must have felt like "home" anymore. I try to picture sometimes if we had returned, we would have lived together and loss of Babaji, while still very unbearable, may have been just a little more bearable. It would have been your home - just like always.

How am I to get through these last few letters, Ammaji? They bring out the pain you were feeling, and just as bad, our betrayal of you. I am going to have to live with this for rest of my life and I am all alone in this. I am the last one to carry your memories. Maybe these pages will survive few more years, who knows - after I am gone.

I need a hug from you...
Miss the sunny winter days when we used to sit out, have "gunna" and "moongphali" and read newspapers and Kalyaan. Remember, you and I used to look at the Ramayan chopayees to see whether I will pass my high school exams? Miss our games of Chopad. You gave us one when we came but it is lost too. 

Miss you...
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
January 8
January 8
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I read your letters every day - two of them - and every time it breaks my heart to know that we left you behind...
I wish I could see you in my dreams once again. It has been a very long time and even then we didn't get to talk...

I know I don't deserve it, but I would like a hug and can really use it.

Are you somewhere?
I hope so...

Miss you so much!
In a way, I am very lucky to have so much to miss... for sure, many don't. And all because of you two... and Papa Mummy... So thank you for giving me everything I have; and for the memories.

Love you always
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
December 28, 2023
December 28, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

"As long as the sun shines"... and your photo came up on the screen...

Read a book sitting in the window all day and thought of those happy comfortable days of sitting in the window and reading Chandamama or Parag or Nandan under your loving care. 

The childhood years... so long ago. Time passes... You have passed... but your loving memory will live on within me as long as I breathe. Your love is my most precious treasure.

Today, Papa came to you 6 years ago! I miss him... very much. He suffered much and it is selfish of me to want him to keep that way for me... I wish I had been there in the end to say goodbye and that he could hold my hand and I, his - just like he did that one day he was convinced it was his last day. 

But he was gone and I heard about it only by phone.
I should have been there.
There are many "I should have's" for me.

With your loving memory
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
December 20, 2023
December 20, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Your Beti got lost... for a long time.
It is too late as our home as it was, is no longer.
Nevertheless, I have come full circle and while there is no forgiveness in my heart for me, I am happy to be back to be the Beti you loved.
"Meri Bitya", "Meri Gudya"... was how you referred to me. I miss that. I miss hearing those words, miss being with you... and simply just miss you.

Will I see you again? No one knows. But I can only hope. 

With all my love
Aapki Beti
Sandhia McLeod
December 1, 2023
December 1, 2023
Happy Anniversary, Babaji Ammaji

I hope you are happy together somewhere...
Chris says that if I could be 47 light years away from today and had a extremely powerful telescope like JWST, I could look through it and see us happy together in our home at Meerut :) The thought makes me happy.

I miss you very much.
Love
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
November 27, 2023
November 27, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I miss you...

Love
Aapki Beti
Sandhia McLeod
November 23, 2023
November 23, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

As I sit in the huge window and read my favorite book, I am mindful that I have come full circle; only it is very different from back in those other happy days when I sat in the window reading books during those nice long summer and winter days, days when you were there - constant figures in my life - or so I thought.

Always as I sit here reading, I am reminded even more intensely of those wonderful days. Was I really there? Was I really fortunate enough to have you in my life, you who had unlimited and unconditional supply of love for me? The memories are certainly there and you will live on in them. If I didn't have so many regrets, those would have been happy memories at this point that also brought few tears at them just being memories that can never come to life again. But I do and so it goes on...

You gave me / us your all.

You were mine and I was your "beti". And then there were Papa mummy who sacrificed so much for us and suffered so much. To them too, I owe all. Now there's Chris who also gives so much. I have had a full and happy life who received so much love from a of you, undeserved, but it has been a good life. For all that I am thankful.

With all my love
Aapki Beti
Sandhia McLeod
November 22, 2023
November 22, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Today is 46th anniversary of passing of Leela ammaji. I hope that she is with you now and you are all happy together.

I read few of your letters every day and listen to your prayer almost every day. It saddens me but also helps to keep me grounded and reminds me of my origins and where I come from; and reminds me of simpler times when simple things like almonds brought so much happiness! Did I ever live in such a World and with a family that I remember? Sometimes all that seems a lifetime ago and from another time. The letters continue to tell me that that was real and the thought brings the reminder that I should be grateful.. and I am. I just wish that time never ended. I thought it would last forever...

I miss you every day. I hope you know that.
All my love
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
November 12, 2023
November 12, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Shubh Diwali.
Aaj bhi woh phoolghari, saath baith kernel Pooja karna, diwaal per saath baith ker rangoli banana -- burson ho gayai per jaisai abhi abhi hum sub saath Thai.

Bus aapki awaaj mein om jai Jagdish hare sun Liya aur aankhai bund kerkai wahin pahuch gayer kumrai mein jehan aapkai saath mein badi huee..

Yaadain, yaadain aur Yaadain...

I hope you are happy together.
I hope I see you in my dreams.
Thank you for all the memories. I treasure them always.

Love
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
October 31, 2023
October 31, 2023
Poojya Ammaji

I found some of your letters from 1988 yesterday as I was looking for something. I feel like there were letters, feelings, hopes prior to Babaji's illness and your forced move from your beloved home and town, Meerut and then there was the time after Babaji when you must have found out that we betrayed you and remained in the US. I cannot possibly imagine what you must have gone through and suffered - and I certainly cannot imagine the disappointment Babaji would have had in us from wherever he was. I know he must have looked down on us in disbelief. He worried so much for you and probably in the back of his mind he knew no one would take care of you the same as when he was here among us.

But back to your letters that I just found...
It is difficult to explain but I feel like there came something between us and there was a loss of intimacy among us - as if you felt a bit like an outsider. I supposed after Babaji you must have felt so alone and possibly afraid (if that is the right word) - maybe a bit unsupported. Even when Babaji was so ill, I am sure he was someone you could lean on and I supposed felt like "home". I know that feeling because even when Papa was suffering so much both physically and emotionally in the nursing home, thought of him made me feel somewhat comforted and felt like he was my "home". Had we been there at the time or even if had returned in a few month's time, I think you would have felt much better; and I, at this point, would feel much better as well. 

I feel physical pain when I read your letters as if something is cutting into my heart. Maybe I have come full circle and have returned home - only "home" is now empty - but full of memories - good memories; and I am thankful for these memories; and thankful for all the unconditional love you and everyone else bestowed on me. 

I love you and I hope you can see me from wherever you are and feel the love that is in my heart for you.

Thank you for all those loving memories.
You were the best.
You will always be in my heart.

With all my love
Aapki Gudya








Sandhia McLeod
October 1, 2023
October 1, 2023
Poojya Babaji

Ammaji came to you this day 29 years ago. She suffered much without you for 14 years, 5 months and 5 days!! I don't know why God, if there is one, allows for so much pain to those who are good and have never hurt anyone. But I know that once she arrived to be together with you once again, all her hurts were washed away.

Ammaji -- I miss you so deeply and think of you two almost all the time. I feel a pain in my heart every time I read your line "Tum sabon ki Bhi bahut yaad aati hai". Sometimes I imagine how it would have been if we had returned and lived together with you once again. You would still have missed Babaji just as much but the pain would have been a bit eased by just being in familiar surroundings where you didn't feel a dependent.

I hope today you celebrate your joining once again with Babaji - your 29th. I know you are smiling... I can see your lit up face in my imagination and it brings just a little more peace knowing you are with all you loved.

But I am not there yet... and miss you terribly.

Thank you for showing me a small way to move forward and carry on your legacy and wishes. You once told Mummy that if she wasn't able to do anything else at the temple then she could donate something to someone in need. I was depurate to find some way to deserve, even if in very small way, your love and hope that I have taken a small step in that direction.

I love you very much. 
Aapki Gudya





Sandhia McLeod
September 26, 2023
September 26, 2023
Happy Birthday Babaji and Ammaji

Janam din Shubh ho, aap Jehan Bhi Hein.

Ammaji, aaj aapkai liyai mein namak ka aaloo ka halwa banaungi. Aapko aur mujhai woh bahut pasand tha. Aapkai jaisa tow nehin banaiga per mujhai pata hai ki aap ka kitna mun karta tha iskai liyai. Per jab sei aap ko Meerut chorna para, aap kehti thi ki "paradheenta mein sankoch tow hora he hai" - ees wajah sai aapnai kabhi wahan kisi ko nehin kaha.

Babaji, aapkai liyai mein til ki lauz banaungi. Aapko meetha bahut pasand tha na...

I hope you are happy today with the family that is there with you.
I hope you are smiling sitting under a beautiful rainbow.

Missing you very much... today and always.
With all my love
Aapki Gudya



Sandhia McLeod
September 8, 2023
September 8, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Mummy has been with you 10 years today. I miss her... I miss all of you.
But maybe I should try to remember you more with smiles than with tears.
Perhaps I should try to do just one thing ... one thing to deserve to be called your daughter and granddaughter. 

I need your help..
Please always stay with me and guide me.

With all my love
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
September 7, 2023
September 7, 2023
Poojya Ammaji

It is Janmashtami today. We used to have such fun - fasting, amrood and kela ki chaat and then til ki burfi and all the other delicious food for dinner! I will make til ki burfi and some puri today - I know you would want me to. I haven't done this in many years - everything has been forgotten for so long...

But I will try to revive what I can now. That is all I can do.
I had a wonderful childhood and have been a recipient of extraordinary amount of love from everyone and I am grateful for that. 

Hope you see me and smile...

Happy Janmashtami to you both and the whole family that is with you now. 

Love you and miss you.
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
September 4, 2023
September 4, 2023
Poojya Babaji

I had a feeling when I woke up this morning that you were in my dream but it is all a vague feeling. Yesterday I came across the last letter you wrote to us -- on March 4th, 1980 and the last letter you addressed the envelope for was dated March 18th, 1980. It struck me that on March 18th, 1979 - exactly a year ago you wrote me a letter (and the only letter where you very mildly and lovingly reminded me) and said that you did not understand why I had not been writing to you in months. You were worried about me and I could see the pain in your heart. Who knew that exactly a year later everything would be so changed and that you would pen the last words to me - and only in the form of address on the envelope. It contained letters from Ammaji only because you were too weak to write but wanted to make sure that you at least wrote the address so that we wouldn't worry too much - still thinking of only us...

This is now all too late for everything. Now that Papa Mummy are also gone and my head is not occupied with worries about them, my thoughts turn to you. It is life coming back full circle. Began with you and will end with you. In the beginning you were there to hold me and now as my end approaches, you are in my heart.

Mummy has been gone almost 10 years now! Papa - almost 6! You two have been gone 43 and 29 years now! How is it that everything seems as if it happened only yesterday. Mummy's anniversary is coming up and I feel a bit guilty that my head is full of thoughts of you. But she is with you now and I hope it is all okay for me to feel the way I do at the moment. I miss reading your letters with her. We used to read them together when they came and cry and cry together. But like Ammaji said in one of her letters that she can't share her feelings as she misses us so much with anyone; and neither does anyone really wants to talk about you and basically about her feelings. She could only talk about them with us and we were so far away. I am in that place now. No one really truly understands because they haven't know us and our lives together and how we lived. I talk to Chris sometimes but while he listens, he doesn't really share how I feel - it is not possible for anyone to do so unless they had known us. So while I can talk to Prema about these, she doesn't know you either. I want someone to read the letters with me and listen to your voice and your prayers. 

But there is no one.

So I read them on and listen to the tapes by myself. Sometimes tears run down my face and I try to stop because I know that you are watching me and that you would all be very sad to see me cry.

You were the best... you were mine and will live on in my heart forever. I wish I could see you again in my dream talking to me - smiling - but I also know that I do not deserve it. I am just happy to have seen you with Ammaji sitting in the sunshine talking to one another. I know you are happy and together wherever you are. Ammaji suffered for 14 years without you and I cannot possibly imagine the pain - the pain of living without you - one person who loved her beyond reason; the pain of loneliness and worse that of betrayal by her own children. We all let her down - let you down. I don't know what was in my head or in Papa Mummy's head. They suffered a great deal in the end at the hands of their own children too. I am sure there is punishment in my future too which I will try to accept without complaining. I had hoped to be with you one day when my time comes but I know now that I do not deserve it. I do not deserve the love I have received from any of you and I have received it in abundance.

I love you both so much.
I miss you day and night - just like you missed us with every breath you took until the end.

Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
September 3, 2023
September 3, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

46 years ago, today, we separated so that we could come to US and I never saw you, Babaji, again. I keep wishing that you at least tried to persuade us to not leave... but that was not in your nature to be selfish. No matter how bad things became for you - and they progressively did as time went by starting soon after we left, you just worried about us and how we would go on without you. These letters of yours are heart breaking and yet I am honoured and privileged to have them. I touch them gingerly so as not to wipe out your finger prints. These letters that you touched and wrote are as close to you as I can get at this point.

As someone wrote --
"
From my beginning until your end,
You were by my side, my first best friend.
I never expressed it when you were here
Though my love and admiration were sincere.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.
You taught me more than I ever knew.
You gave me reason to continue the fight,
Saying a better day comes after the night.
Where would I be were you not around?
Likely adrift in the sea of life, drowned.
I am forever grateful for your love,
And I know you're looking down from above.
"

You were my best friend... and always will remain so in my heart. You still guide me when I am lost and unsure and perhaps want to step in wrong direction. You still watch over me, I know. And I also know how undeserving I am of your love... always have been.

Always in my heart and on my mind.
With love
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
August 30, 2023
August 30, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I am approaching February-March of 1980 and it is too hard to read your letters - especially because there is no one to share them with. You were both so strong, more than I can ever be. Even under those most difficult and unbearable conditions you were worrying about us!! 

At this point in my life I read your letters once again -- after a very long time - and cannot understand and/or remember things like "why didn't papa go back at that time?", "how could I have forgotten the contents of these letters all this time?", "how could we have not all come back?"; and there is no answer other than we were selfish - I was selfish. I think it was because of me why we didn't return. What happened to me? Being "young" shouldn't be an excuse. You two gave us all the love we could ever want - gave us everything anyone could ever want. It was so - almost impossible - for me to imagine a life without you; so what happened?!? I don't know. 

I wish so much that Papa Mummy were here now so we could talk about it again but it is just me - the sole survivor of our life and sole possessor of these precious, albeit painful, letters and memories.

Sometimes when I am sitting thinking about these things or reading your letters, I have this strong wish to just go back and hold your hands - hold Ammaji, your hands and give you a hug and cry together. But that can never be - I remember it with a start...

I had hoped to be able to see you some day when my time here is over but I do not deserve that. My biggest punishment will be to be deprived of ever meeting you again - even up there somewhere where you are. Whatever other punishment God wants to give me, I will try to accept without complains. Sometimes when I lose my faith in God, I come across your letters and they remind me that you kept believing in a God even though you were going through what you should never have had to. What kind of God would make people suffer who have never hurt anyone and have spent their lives to help others so selflessly? Even Mummy Papa and Sukumar tauji - they suffered so much. Why? I am responsible for the emotional pain since I didn't do much to help Papa Mummy but what about the physical pain? Why would God do this? I am not very happy with God at the moment.

I know you are keeping an eye on me - I feel it - but don't deserve it. I was fortunate to have been born in your family and be brought up under your loving care. Your love sustains me still... but it hurts too much not to be able to see you again... even in my dreams.

One night I dreamt of you two as you sat in the Sun - talking with one another. I remind myself of that and tell myself that you two are happy together now - wherever you are. Yes, I am glad of it. Ammaji, your suffering must have been unbearable - almost 14 long years without Babaji; and without us in a familiar environment with familiar people. I try to imagine sometimes how it would have been if we had returned. You would have been much more comfortable and Babaji's soul would have been at peace.

But it was not to be...

I hope you are at least happy now. It has been so long - almost 43 years since we lost you, Babaji and 29 years since you, Ammaji. But it all seems like yesterday. I can still see your face, hands and feet as if I saw them yesterday. I read three of your letters every day and I can hear your voice. 

I am lucky to have your audio tapes so that I can still hear the familiar voices - some of it is very painful and some brings smile to my face.

I love you so very much and miss you even more.
Aapki Gudya

Sandhia McLeod
August 14, 2023
August 14, 2023
Poojya Ammaji

I have a picture of you taken with Asha mausiji on my laptop as background photo. I see it every time I come back to it. You two are standing in front of what was my room. I am very fortunate to have this photo as it is a very rare photo of mausiji and even you. Whenever I see it, I want to go past the curtain or turn the lights on using the switch that I see in the photo.

I miss that home - I miss you so very much! We were very happy there - together - and never felt we lacked anything. We were supposed to be together and we were supposed to be there holding hands of both yours and Babaji's when time came. We were supposed to be there caring for you... 

I am happy though that Asha mausiji did not suffer much when her time came. I know how sad you must have been - losing the last sibling. I remember when Mamaji passed away; I remember going to "Kothi" with you at that time. I remember Mamaji in Jattiwara home when he used to visit. I have a vivid memory of him making fun of me because as a 3 or 4 year old child I loved eating the bitter "margo" soap :)

Those are good memories... happy memories...
I will take them with me when it is my time.

I love you very much.
Hope you can see this letter...

Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
August 13, 2023
August 13, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Whenever I eat a mango, it takes me back to the days when we used to get tons of mangoes at home and what a commotion it used to be! So many different types of achaar. I loved the hing achaar with Mathri. Have not had those since we left you and the life we had built together. Those were happy days.

Those were days full of happiness and contentment. It was simple life; our needs and wants were simple. I remember when the children's magazines used to arrive like Chandamama, it used to be such a happy day. Babaji you used to bring it to show me right away :)

Who knew then that it would all change so much within two years of us arriving here and leaving you. Just one more year - if... but it was not to be. Babaji, you were right to worry about Ammaji. I wish sometimes so much that you asked us to not leave - even if it was just for three years. But you were both very selfless and uncomplaining. It just always amazes me because I am a complainer, sad to say. Still I wish that you had stopped us or at least told Papa Mummy to leave me with you. I think if I stayed, we could support each other until Papa Mummy returned.

But it is all too late... everything is in the past and past happened the way we made it happen - right or wrong or in-between.

You both and Papa Mummy paid a huge price for that one decision to take this transfer. I alone have been a beneficiary and it fills me with great sadness and guilt. You said you knew both mine and Shailu's hearts... but did you really? We didn't turn out as well at all - not enough to have deserved to have been born in your family. I am so sorry for having been one of the instruments to put tears in your eyes and for replacing the pride on Ammaji's face with something less. I read those lines, Ammaji, in one of your letters every day and it cuts into my heart every time "Tum sabon ki bahut yaad aati hai" and "Apnai saamnai her baat ka dhyaan rakhtai thai". I know in my heart how many tears much have fallen from your eyes as you wrote these lines and no one was there to wipe the tears gently... no one. But still you finished the letter by saying "Pata nehin mainai aisa kyo likh diya hai, tum log paraishan mut hona". So even when things were as bad as they could get, you were only thinking of how your letter may affect us. Apparently didn't affect us enough... not enough to go back for you. But I do know also in my heart how much Papa must have suffered for not being able to go back - I know he felt your loss deeply but he too was not good at letting his feelings be known.

I know you used to wait for our letters every day. I hope this reaches you.
I hope God, if he exists, gives you peace... hope he gives peace to all of you...

With all my love and memories
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
July 23, 2023
July 23, 2023
Poojya Ammaji

I found two letters that you wrote to us, one a month after Babaji and the other in May of 1981. It tears my heart to read them. The sadness pours through them and even though it is expected - after all you and Babaji were together for over 60 years - still it hurts so much. If we had been there, it would have been a little easier for you to bear the loss. At least you would have been in your own home and we were all so comfortable with each other. It pains me to read "Ab tow jagah jagah he rehna hai", "bus idhar udhar mari mari phirti rehti hoon"... 

Ammaji, mein aapki gunahgaar hoon. Meri he wajah sai Papa Mummy wapus nehin gayai. It hurt both you as well as them. Things would have turned out very differently and for the better if we had returned as we were meant to. I don't have those letters (or at least I have not reached that point yet, there are still few more to read) where you would have first found out of our betrayal and news of us staying here in US. I have been thinking since yesterday how your heart must have sunk! Here you were, expecting and hoping of our return - I know you used to hope that Papa would have his job return him to Meerut and that then we could all live together as before - and then you suddenly must have read about our change in plans. How hurt you must have been!

I know you were not happy in that situation where you were constantly had to move from Dehradun to Chandausi and Lucknow. I also know how uncomfortable it must have been for you in Chandausi. But you never complained - never complained about anything. You should have said "Beta, mujhai wahan bula lo ya khud yehan aa jao". I wish you said that just once! I wish you and Babaji kept me from going with Papa Mummy in the first place. Ammaji - you and Babaji were two of the best, kindest, innocent, caring and loving people and I am privileged to have been born in your aangan and to have been raised under your loving care. But it was your bad luck that I was born in your family. I have hurt you - all four of you so much.

Now it is too late for everything and all I can do is regret. I am not deserving of asking for your forgiveness or God's - if there is one. When I did, my one hope is that I would be able to hug you all just once and then forever be separated from you as an everlasting punishment. 

In one of these letters you wrote that you do not see Babaji in your dreams and you were worried that it was because he was upset with you when he passed because of some words you may have said when you got overwhelmed during his illness. Now you know that Babaji can never be angry with you. It is so heartening, happy and beautiful to read whenever you say how he found it most difficult to be without you even for a day and how he took care of everything and how if you had gone first, he would have been lost without you. Yes, in that you two were very lucky. Few people of any age can express this kind of love and for you to have experienced it! I know you know now that he was not angry - just so very tired and sad to have found himself in a situation that caused you and anyone else any trouble on his account.

But I think that he is angry with me - and you are too? I don't see you much in my dreams and I think of you often! Only once I saw you two together but you were not talking to me. You were sitting together in the Sun - that's all. But it gave me some peace. I felt that you were together and happy wherever you were. I wish just once that I could see and talk to you in my dreams but I am not worthy.

You gave me everything...
I gave you nothing...
If I could do it all over again, I would be there with you whatever comes... But there are no second chances...

I miss you so much - it goes without saying.
I hope my love and the way I feel travels up to you. I try not to cry and be sad because it would make you sad but I can't help it...

Hope to see you some day, even if just for a moment. Perhaps in my last hour...

Love you
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
July 5, 2023
July 5, 2023
Poojya Babaji

On July 2nd, I woke up knowing I heard your voice in my dream. I had gone to sleep needing so much to see you all and you came...

I know you are somewhere and that has to be enough for now.

I was re-reading the "yaadain... yaadain... aur yaadain" published by Sukumar Tauji to celebrate your 100th birthday and found in one of his writings somewhere something to the effect "bahut sai logo nai Babuji sai wishwashghat kiya, per Babuji hamaisha such ki raah per chaltai rahai". Suddenly I realized that I/we also committed the same "wishwashghat" against both you and Ammaji. We didn't come back for her...; we were not there when the end came and you were gone, your eyes and heart waiting for us... just for one more time...

I don't have any right to ask for forgiveness or anything else. Still I hope that you would give me just one more hug even if you let me go forever after that. These last few letters that are still waiting for me to read/digitize them dated November 1979 and beyond are the most difficult ones but I will read them as I do deserve to feel the anguish you and Ammaji must have felt. I have not had the courage to read them, but I will starting later today...

Your "beti Gudya" was lost for a while... a long while... but she is back and her only hope is that you can still see her and know what is in her heart.

With all my love
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
June 18, 2023
June 18, 2023
Poojya Babaji

I think that you would have liked the gazar ka halwa I made today. It has a little too much sugar - perfect for both you and Papa.

We didn't used to have any of these days when I was growing up but it is a day here and now. I have no way to reach you but perhaps you can see me?

Not a day goes by when I don't think of all the ways I (and all four of us) let you down but, especially me... I don't know how to find my way to you and Ammaji. I just wish I could hug you just one more time. Will you be there to guide me when my time comes? I hope so. I wish I was more certain as some people are of seeing their families some day once again. 

You all kept your faith in God until the end through all that pain and suffering. I don't know how. I am not sure that I have been very religious all along. And now some days I believe and then other days, I am not too sure. I just want to see you once again - of this I am positive. 

I wish I could see you in my dream one more time...
I wish I went back to see you when you were so ill...
Sometimes I can't breathe when I think of you raising your hand for the last time to say goodbye to someone who came to visit while forever waiting for us to come back so we could be together one more time. Ammaji - I cannot imagine how she felt when she first realized that you were gone. You, who wanted her to be never out of your sight and took care of every little need/want she may have had all of your 60 plus years together, were gone without a word to her! 

And we were not there... Not for you... not for Ammaji...
I was not there for Papa... Only for Mummy...

Missing you so very much, Babaji and Ammaji.
Love always
Aapki Gudya



Sandhia McLeod
June 15, 2023
June 15, 2023
Pooja Babaji Ammaji

I woke up this morning unhappy with God and even doubting his existence. Yes, the pain of separation from us caused much pain to you both but Babaji's illness was noone's fault! Why would God cause thar? With Neeraj bhaiya being there in 1979 must have been much relief to both of you. After being so miserable alone since we left in 1977, it must have felt really good to have another person you were comfortable with at home. So then God, if he exists, struck a much bigger blow!

How can anyone justify that? Neither you two nor Papa mummy ever hurt anyone and yet so much pain in the end!!

How did you two keep your faith?

I didn't have much to begin with but slowly as I remember more and more how you all believed, I was on that path. But for some reason I feel lost today - lost because there is no answer.

I love you. As I read your letters, your pain becomes my pain and there is no way to make it better for you now. No way to go back...

I miss you so very much.
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
June 9, 2023
June 9, 2023
Poojya Ammaji,

I tried once again to make til ki lauz. It didn't turn out as good as yours but was better than last time. It will never be as good as when you made them. You poured so much love in it; without that crucial ingredient how can it taste the way I remember it? 

I have been making a tradition to listen to your Aarti and Babaji's prayer in the evening. Your Aarti takes me back to when we all used to sit together to do Pooja and even further back when I was 9 or 10 and you used to perform the Aarti while I was ringing the ghanti. I try to go back to a happy place once a day and that memory is one of the happy one.

Listening to Babaji's prayer breaks my heart all over again. So many tears and so much pain!! One who spent all his life taking care of everyone else, living a life that made a difference in thousands of people's lives - how could such sorrow have fallen on him? All four of you and tauji - the same story for you all as well. If we were there, perhaps Babaji's pain may have been just a touch less; he would have had less worry about you. In fact all four of you would have had better life if we hadn't left India and you. I am the only person who ended up benefiting. It's too late for everything but yet I can't help but thinking and wishing for that alternate universe in which we stayed together. 

But now all but one is lost in my life and I hope to leave this world while he is still in it. I don't deserve to ask for forgiveness and for anything else but still I hope that when my time comes, you will take me in your arms just once even if just for a moment. Will you?

Love always.
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
June 4, 2023
June 4, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

After all this time, I still wish that you stopped me from going so far away and kept me with you. Your pain may have been less then and so would mine now.

Aap sabon ki bahut yaad aati hai.

Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
June 1, 2023
June 1, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

If I ever doubted, I will never again, that you are somewhere keeping your protective arms around me... 

No sooner than I had finished asking God and you as well as Papa Mummy to show me a way so that I can make even just a tiny bit of difference in someone's life for the better, I received a call... something that was quite unexpected and had I even thought of it as a possibility, I may have asked for it. But I did not. It made my day...

Thank you.... though I am very undeserving of asking you for anything - even for forgiveness -- I know you love me still. And though I have no right to ask for anything anymore, I hope some day when my time comes, you will take me back in your arms again. I know you will...

You have always loved me - unconditionally and in abundance. 
I know I will see you again.
Thank you for sending me your blessings and love from what I hope is a happy place - full of warmth and comfort. Thank you for sending me a sign to hang on to...

With all my love
Your Gudya



Sandhia McLeod
May 24, 2023
May 24, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I dreamt of you and Amnaji two nights ago. Don't think I saw you but had just a feeling that you were there. It was some crowded room, not exactly clear where it was. But I was trying to look at a huge old photo album to find a picture of Chris that I badly wanted to show you as an introduction. I wanted you to see him but couldn't find it. Ammaji and I kept looking.


That was it.

I so wish I could actually see you and talk to you in my dream. But on those rare occasions when I do see you - it is either just a feeling that you are there or you are there but never speak to me :(

I know I, for my part, let you down. You said, as we left that night in Meerut, "Baba ko bhool mut jana,, Beta" but as difficult as it is to admit this even to myself, I became too busy with my life here and all the new things that I didn't write much by the middle of as early as 1978, it appears from your letters. And worse yet, I remember telling papa after you were gone that I didn't want to return to india!India!! What about Ammaji - did that thought not occur to me? How could I have forgotten the two who gave me everything and all the love anyone can ever want?? It is so hard for me to write it down as putting it on the paper forces me to see myself the way I actually am, and not the way I would have liked to be.

Sometimes when I look at your 50th anniversary photo, I feel that I see such disappointment in your eyes for me!! 

It pains me so terribly when I read in Ammaji's letters that desperation and longing to get back to her life in Meerut with you. It pains me to read your letters in the end when you asked papa to take care of Ammaji. You shouldn't have had to ask. We should have been there at that time. I remember being afraid to see you in that condition but it wasn't about me. I should have gone back, first to see you even though you were very worried about me coming alone. And should have gone back, at the very least, after you so Ammaji and we all could live together like before. She used to write how we would live happily like before once papa returned to India. She was so hoping that we would settle back in Meerut.

But we dashed all her hopes and just one expectation you had of us. You never asked us for anything except to make sure that Ammaji was okay. And we could not honour that one wish. But I never saw in any letter ever where you or Ammaji ever complained. What I did see was an enormous effort to make all your sufferings look small. And you suffered much in every way almost from the time we left.

And now I have more things to be sad and, yes, angry about. It looks like from your letters from dehradun, after the operation and all the troubles that it brought about that you likely didn't even have cancer!! Now I understand why Ammaji said in one letter that Devki tauji was in too much rush to have you operated on and that you may have been okay with some other treatment. She only mentioned it once but how she must have suffered watching you in pain for rest of the next ten months and losing everything she had and loved!

Babaji I am guilty of so much in my life- of taking so much love and not returning it. I have been given everything in life. Please give me two more things from wherever you are. One, please show me a way so I can follow your path and be able to help at least one person and two, when I die, let me come back to you. I don't have any right to ask but because you have always loved me, I ask you for even more. I don't deserve it but.... 

With all my love in the hopes that it reaches you.
Your Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
May 14, 2023
May 14, 2023
Poojya Ammaji

All four of your sons - and Maji are with you now and hope celebrating this Mother's Day with you. I miss you very much. In those years when you wrote all those letters to us, it was probably not clear then but now they sustain me and they are my biggest treasure. Reminders of how lucky I have been; and how loved!!

Thank you for being you - and for loving me; for always being so forgiving and understanding.

Yesterday as I was looking at the picture, suddenly a happy thought occurred to me and made me smile - "Meri Gudya" - you and Babaji always said. "Beti Gudya" -- Babaji always wrote like this. The thought made me feel a sense of belonging; a sense of being loved - and it was a happy thought - perhaps sent by you all to me.


Missing you and Mummy today and always...
I love you Ammaji...
Your Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
May 2, 2023
May 2, 2023
Poojya Babaji

I dreamt of you last night. You were unwell and it seems were getting better. You looked just serious, I guess. I am just happy to see you but if I could give you a hug... and Ammaji - haven't seen her for a while.

I can't ask for anything as I have no right to. The more I read your letters written in 1979, the more I realize how self-involve I must have been in that time. Hadn't been writing to you much - enough for you to ask how it was that I couldn't take the time to write a few words. I know that cost you much but you were always very understanding and loving and never lost faith in my love for you. I did love you both as I do now and have always done. The only thing I can think of in my defense is that at that time we were sure to return and there wasn't any doubt in my mind that we would be together again and I guess I was just too involved in my new life here with so many new things and new experiences. It is not an excuse - no - there can be none. You two wrote to us diligently at least twice a week; sometimes more. And as Ammaji pointed out that you were both counting days of our return and how important our letters were to you. I am filled with deep sadness and sense of lost time...

But nothing can be done now. I can only try to do some good to other people and hope that it makes you happy. All of you are gone now. And while I have no right to ask for more as I have had more than most people do and much more than I deserved but if I could have one more thing, it would be that I see you all again some day...

With all my love
Your Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
April 28, 2023
April 28, 2023
Poojya Babaji

You once said "mein tumarai dil ko jaanta hoon beti...".
I am counting on that now. Since the beginning of this month I have been thinking about the 43 years that have passed without you. At 10 I once looked at where you were sleeping and thought I could not breathe without you and now it has been 43 years!! But on the day the thought escaped me that it was the day... until the email came from this site. I thought of you in the morning and read the letter from memory that you wrote to me on September 7th, 1977 but just didn't think that it was the day!! Babaji -- I hope you know... in fact I know that you know how much I love you. Though over the years I have not shown it and have not done all I should have to honour you. Ammaji's letter too, I can recite from memory now. How she missed you... and us... and we weren't there for her. Babaji, I don't know how to live with this thought that we failed her... and you...
You, who sacrificed everything for us and always made light of your suffering so that we would not worry ---- you who gave his love unconditionally until your last breath -- we let you down... I let you down.

My heart is so sad for Ammaji. How she must have suffered without you... without us... without anything that was familiar to her for 14 long years after you were gone! 

Now it is my turn. Aaj mein kehti hoon -- Aap sub ki bahut yaad aati hai....

Hope you can hear me.... hope you can see me.
I feel your love surrounding me in so many ways. So I believe that you are somewhere sending your love to me always...

I love you both so much.
What I wouldn't give to see you two once again and be able to give one BIG hug!

In your loving memory
Your Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
April 21, 2023
April 21, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Aap sub ki bahut yaad aati hai...

Please continue to guide me as you have always done - when you were here and now from beyond...

Bahut yaad aati hai...

With love
Your memories are forever
Your Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
April 10, 2023
April 10, 2023
Poojya Ammaji

In your letter of March 12th, 1978 you wrote to me that you have received 52 letters from us thus far. You wanted to know how many of yours we have. I will tell you once I have all scanned but I believe I have all of yours and Babaji's letters. 

It is lucky that I have them.

I have lost Babaji's ring and that makes me so sad. I know I had it in 1993 and I think somehow when Mummy Papa moved to Wisconsin, it got lost. I can't imagine how because I always had it on. I have looked everywhere but so farI have not found it. Babaji gave it to me when I was 10! I hope I will be able to find it one of these days.

You also said in this letter that Babaji's leg was still causing pain and that you were not feeling well either because of backache. You and Babaji seem to have gotten sick often since we left. I don't remember you two being sick much at all. Babaji used to not feel so well whenever you went out of town to visit with mausiji or elsewhere :) But other than that you were both okay. It saddens me so much to think of all the hardship you two faced in addition to missing us.

The move was not worth all heartbreaks that it caused - to all four of you...

I miss you so much and even after all this time everything is fresh..

Thank you both for writing all these letters. These are my most valuable possession.

With all my love
Your Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
April 6, 2023
April 6, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

It has been many days since I last saw you in my dream. I miss you very much. You were so giving - in every way and never asked for anything but one thing in the end - to take care of Ammaji. Even after so many years why does my heart want to go back and fix things? How do I do that? It will be 43 years this year since Babaji, you have been gone! When I read your letters, I hear them in your voice. That is truly a blessing - something that makes me believe that you are somewhere and letting me have this only thing I can have - your voice and a feeling that you are still somewhere around.

Ammaji, I read your letter and once you wrote to us in 1985 when you must have been very very sad and I wonder if you cried. You said "Tum sabo ki bahut yaad aati hai" and "Becharai yehi kehtai chalai gayai ki tum merai saamnai chali jaati. Apnai saamnai hur baat ka itna dhyann rakhtai thai"... and "bus idhar udhar maari marri phirti rehti hoon". I read this and feel such pain in my heart. 

I am to blame...
You both know this and yet you are still looking after me and letting me feel your love still surrounding me.

I hope that a little something that I can do in your memory and to honor you helps bring some peace to your souls. I hope that you are both happy somewhere with all the rest of the family. I know Papa, even though he never said anything, thought of you often and felt a pain that I can feel now.

I wish I could see you again and give you a hug just once.
You were counting days of our return and so were we... until everything changed...

I love you so very much.
I hope it reaches you wherever you are.
Your Gudya








Sandhia McLeod
March 23, 2023
March 23, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I am still thinking of the letter you both wrote in April 1979. And I find I lack the courage to read on after that. This was the high point in your life since we left in September 1977. Things were going as well as they could and you were content. I feel like if I end the story here, if the story did end here - it will be a 'happy ever after'. But things went quite the opposite way. 

I know I have to read the rest of the story and watch it unfold - I have to and want to - only I wish it went the way I wish it had - that you spent the rest of the year with Neeraj bhaiya close by and that would just leave few more months in 1980 until we returned - at that point we would all live together just like always before. It is like every time I watch President Kennedy's motorcade drive on in Dallas, my whole being wants the outcome to be different this time - maybe the motorcade was too slow or just a bit too fast or maybe it turned in a different direction - just so the bullet to his head could have missed! I feel like I am at that point in our story where you two are reasonably happy and your days are filled with at least a few happy moments and you are not lonely since Neeraj bhaiya is there - I want to just be able to change that moment when babaji, you became suddenly ill and everything changed. Within just a few days more than a year from this moment in time, you would be gone and Ammaji would be, rest of us would be, left with an unfillable hole in our hearts and lives. Especially Ammaji... 

I hope that two of you are together now and have forgotten all about those difficult times. There can be no forgiveness for me - and I won't even ask for it. But can I just be allowed to be somewhere near when my time comes? When I saw you two in my dream few months ago where you were sitting outside on chairs and talking, I felt really happy - feeling that you were okay now. 

I hope that you are...

Ammaji wrote few times "Mera mun ub pareshan sa rehta hai... Un kai saath Meerut mein kitna achcha lagta tha... her baat ka itna dhyaan rakhtai thai... tum sabon ki bhi bahut yaad aati hai..."... these things break my heart. I just hope that you are are together now and there is no sadness - just warmth, and comfort and smiles...

This is my ultimate and only hope.

Aap ki bahut yaad aati hai...
Mera mun bhi parashan sa rehta hai...

Love you always.
Your Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
March 22, 2023
March 22, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Yesterday I was looking at a letter you sent in April of 1979. You were getting ready to go to Dehradun for Chachaji's house ceremony. Ammaji you were reasonably happy at this time since we left for the first time - with Neeraj bhaiya there with you for the year and Usha and her family keeping company with you in the afternoons. You mentioned making besan laddu and sharing with them. You both seemed a little better since that day in September 1977 when we left you. 

How things would change within a year. By following April (in 1980) everything had changed for much worse -as bad as it could be. That would be Babaji's last month; Babaji lost his health, his independence, his law practice, his beloved homeopathy clinic, his friends; you both lost your home where you wanted to stay until we returned. All those hopes and dreams ended sometime soon after this letter. I feel I lack the courage to read on. Just seems like God saw you happy for a bit and brought down his hammer! Why would he choose to do it to you when you were devoted to him; devoted to doing good work; never harmed anyone? Why?

I have to read rest of the letters; I am going to but I am scared. At this point in April of 1979 you both seem a bit content even though Babaji your leg is not working well at all. If you could have held out one more year, we would have been back... If only... We should have still gone back... for Ammaji... for all of us.

If only...
Should have... would have... could have...

That is all that is left now.
You said "Tum khush rehna beti" -- but how? How do I live with so many "should have's"? I know that you still love me from wherever you are ... I see the signs and all that I have now - how does one explain it if not because of you? 

I don't deserve all this...

I saw you two in my dreams last couple of nights - just vague dreams but in one of them you were worried that I wasn't sleeping. I am grateful for these dreams since I rarely see you.

I miss you. Very much.
Love you more.
Your Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
March 15, 2023
March 15, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

If I could go back in time and do just one thing over - I would take care of Ammaji. There isn't anything that can ever change anything. I feel like there are no more words to express how I feel. I just feel like it is hard to breathe sometimes when I think about how we put tears in the eyes and pain in the hearts of two people we, all four of us, loved the most in life. We were all happily chugging along until... 

But what to do now? Papa Mummy suffered so much - more than anyone could have imagined. I know you were very sad watching all that unroll from where you are. There has been much more pain than any family deserves in ours - and none of it was supposed to go down the way it did.

I look outside the window or go out on the deck in the warm sunshine and think of you, Ammaji, and how good you would have felt. You would have sat there peeling the beez or making javai. And Babaji you would have been growing more roses and flowers you loved so much. Mummy Papa would have had everything they ever wanted - all sorts of activities. All of this is here but you four are all gone. Can you see the purple flowers outside my window? They are beautiful. 

I wonder if you will take me back in your arms when it is my time - though I pray for it every day. How can you forgive me when I have no forgiveness in my heart for few who hurt Papa Mummy? Do I even have the right to ask that you be there for me? I think not...

Your loving memories will always live in my broken heart.
Your Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
March 12, 2023
March 12, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

The more letters I read of you, the heavier my heart becomes.
I have been very lucky to have been born and bred under your care and with your love like an umbrella over me to protect me from the Sun and rain all my life. But the fact is that we did not deserve all you gave to us.

Your despair on festivals and holidays when you were all by yourself as you used your tears as offerings to the gods; the tiredness that spread over you more and more as the days went by. 

You wrote to me on 29th October 1978 that you went on the commission only because you didn't want to give the money back and the case had been held up for more than 10 months; you said you were limping the entire time and that you were very very tired and that you had just returned. It is very rare when you let us know that anything was wrong. And so I can imagine what an awful day you must have had and how exhausted you must have been. 

I, now after all this time that has passed, can't figure out how of all this... Is the next generation always so insensitive and selfish? Papa Mummy left you and I didn't do what I should have to take care of them and to make sure that they were safe. All I can do now is to try to help someone else the way Usha and her family and other friends you knew in Meerut tried to do for you - and we did not. It won't change anything about your pain you both felt but perhaps in some way it will send some peace your way - knowing that I am not totally lost - and hopefully I may in the end prove deserving of some of your love. If I could go back in time just once I would stay with you... You said "I shall do anything to have you back home". I would give anything to be back home with you - if I could just get another chance. But path chosen are one way only and don't allow one to traverse the road back - very rarely one gets second chances.

I miss you both very much. But it is more than just missing you. It is the weight on my soul and my concious and the fact that I can't figure out how we could have left you at that stage in your life. And even if we did, we could have done a lot more to make sure that you were okay. It just seems like we kept asking you of things even when in 1978 you were suffering badly with your leg pain so much. I think it was general aging process but accelerated a great deal by the stress of losing us and a whole lot of worries that the separation brought with it. Was Papa so oblivious to it? Were other sons? 

Wish you stopped me - just for once I wish that you were a bit selfish and had me stay back with you. 

Wishing doesn't change anything, does it now? Regrets and guilt -- this is all is left for me. Even Papa Mummy are not here anymore...

I hope you can hear my thoughts and know everything.
Missing you very much
Your Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
March 9, 2023
March 9, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Chris waited for me for 3+ hours at the dentist while I was having some work done! How can I not believe that you have sent him to me? He reminds me so much of you in how he takes care of me. There is no other explanation for his being in my life - how unlikely his presence is in my life!

You are not here but I feel you - both of you - all around me often. I have let you down and I am not worthy of your love but you have always given me unconditionally. When Mummy mentioned to you in 1978 that they may like to see me married in States, you - putting aside all your sadness and despite the fact that you missed me tremendously - told her that they should as long as I was happy. You said that love shouldn't stand in the way of children's future. Ammaji, I don't know - in fact I do know - that I can never be that selfless. This only means that my love for anyone is never what it should be - selfless and complete. When I read that in your letter to Mummy, my eyes teared up. 

There is nothing to do now as far as reversing the path I chose and following the one I should have. But I will try to live by your ideals and to follow your path. I hope that your legacy will produce at least one homeopathic doctor here who will serve the people like you did. That is all I can do now. If there is a multiverse, I wish I could find the one where I chose the right path but I don't know if there is such a thing and even if there was, how to get there...

I can just love you for the rest of my life and try to do things that make you proud of me - prove me worthy of your love - and any tears you shed for us.

Love you
Your Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
March 7, 2023
March 7, 2023
Happy Holi, Babaji and Ammaji

I am missing the food and our "us" time on Holi. Miss those visits with family and friends... and puja together.

Was it all a dream?

Love you always
Your Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
March 2, 2023
March 2, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

You said many times in your letters "Tum khush rahogi tow humein bhi kuch shanti milaigi". I try... I try to read your letters and think about the happy years we spent together. But somehow a tear sneaks out and my hearts calls out for you. Can you hear it? I don't want to hurt your soul, so I will try my best to think of you only with smiles and even perhaps laughter. I will try to think more about the day when Babaji, you brought me samosas at school because the practicals had dragged on that day since the examiner had shown up very late :) And Ammaji I will try to think more about those mornings when I was in the middle of exams and you would give me a bowl of little yogurt with sugar as a form of good luck; and will think of namkeen halwa and til ki lauze. I used to love those. 

But if do shed a tear, don't be sad. More than anything else it is the regrets that burden my heart and soul and even though you would not want me to feel that way, you also know that it is only natural. I won't use "I was young" as an excuse. You gave us so much love - in fact all that you had to give, you poured it on me. Perhaps that's why when I read your letters, I actually 'listen' to it in your voice. I feel blessed that I can still see you face so clearly in my imagination and know your voice enough to be able to hear it.

You were mine and will always remain in my heart.
Love you
Aapke Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
February 28, 2023
February 28, 2023
Poojya Ammaji

I think I saw you in my dream last night and I have a vague memory that you were talking to Mummy. I don't ever see you talking to me and rarely see Babaji - though I think about you all the time. 

I think it is because I disappointed you - both of you. You gave me everything; all your love and understanding; and went through the most difficult time of your lives without ever complaining or even indicating that you were unhappy because of our absence when we should have returned.

I wish I could go back and do it all over again but it doesn't work that way. I screwed up and the worst part is that I don't even know why - what happened - what kind of fog I was in... But none of that helps and can go back in time to help.

So I live with it. And this may be my punishment. Whatever comes my way, I will accept it without questioning God or complaining - I promise.

Love you both with all my heart. And miss you so very much. But then you do know that.

Your Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
February 26, 2023
February 26, 2023
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

My belief that you are somewhere watching over me even now has only strengthened today. How else can I explain it? I have been feeling very sad and helpless and find myself constantly wondering how it is that I "forgot" my Babaji and Ammaji. It is my fault that we did not return and I remember saying that if Babaji was there we would have gone back. But I don't understand why I would say that. It was even more important to go back since you were not there to take care of her. And how worried you were about what will happen to her. I don't know why and how and cannot undo what's already happened.

My heart aches all the time. But today as we were having lunch (and you are almost always on my mind these days - probably more so because I am re-reading your letters from all those years ago - and also because now I don't have the worries about Mummy Papa), Chris reminded me of some money that I had forgotten about. Papa Mummy left that money and it was invested by Chris. This was such a wonderful surprise because I have been wondering how with the small amount of money that I was able to give to NASH will make any difference. But now I will be able to give them this money in four years time as it has time to grow some more. This is such a sudden information that came my way when I could use some good news and be able to support your cause here in the United States. 

This is a sign from you, I know. 

Still I wish that we either never came here or at least had returned in 1981 and lived with Ammaji almost like before. "Almost" because you wouldn't be there. But she would have been able to hear your voice from the recordings that Papa had made and she wanted so much to hear but couldn't ask anyone there for it.

But today - just for today - I will feel happy. Happy because I can use your legacy through Papa Mummy to support Homeopathy, something that you gave most of your life for. 

I love you both very much
Your Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
February 19, 2023
February 19, 2023
Poojya Ammaji

I read your letters and a story forms all over again - parts of it forgotten and as they come back to me, they bring back fresh tears and memories... memories of the love we shared; memories of leaving you and Babaji for 3 years but ending up being forever... I never saw Babaji again. I don't understand and can't remember why we didn't bring you here; perhaps finance issues? I don't know why. But we should have. 

Your letters break my heart. We were here - four of us - together and with all the distractions we were able to bear the loss of our lives together more easily than it was for you and Babaji. Left there at home in Meerut to your own devices and alone with not much except of the memories of us together. 

I wish I never came here; I with Papa sent me back as Babaji wanted. If I were there, things would have turned out differently - I am sure of it.

But now what to do? I asked you and Babaji to show me the way forward - of how to live with the loss and how to honor your memory. I think you answered my call as you always do... I think I have found a small way to follow Babaji's path where he helped thousands of people with his generosity and care. Maybe I can make a difference in a very small way in someone's life. Thank you for always being there. Though I woke up thinking today that perhaps you and Babaji are not happy with me; especially Babaji, because you were most precious to him and he, when he knew it was time, asked us for one thing in his entire life and that was that we look out for you. We did not. I, for my part, did not. I never really did what I could for Papa Mummy either. I have been selfish and I hope that when punishment comes, I will accept it without complain.

You and Babaji never complained and never ever even made us feel that we did wrong by you when we left you at that age all alone. You only gave us your love even when you went through the worst of times. 

I love you both so much and as you know miss you more than ever. I am glad that I have the letters that I can re-read to remind me of our lives together and the love I was blessed with.

I saw you two in my dreams few months ago - I don't see you often - but you two were together and were sitting outdoors and talking. It makes me feel that you are happy now - together. I know you have sent Chris to me - otherwise how could I have deserved someone like him? Sometimes he reminds me of Babaji because he looks out for me and worries about me in the same way. Mummy knew he would and that's why she asked him to take care of me.

I have so much now; have always had more than I deserved. When I was growing up, I had everything - all the love a child can want. You gave me everything. Thank you for your love... and for all the memories. I just wish we had been there for you when you really needed us. But even when we weren't and you were hurting, you still kept giving us your love and nothing but love...

Your Gudya with Love.
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Sandhia McLeod
April 21
April 21
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Babaji, Aaj mainai aapko supnai mein dekha! 
Last time I saw you was on April 1st, 2022 and before that a very long time ago.

I saw that you were riding your bike on some very hilly mountain to go and take care of some baby. It was very far and I began worrying how you could possibly get there. But finally you did and I took a sigh of relief. But then how would you get back? And you did, safe and sound. I saw myself clapping and happy to see you back. You said you hit two people on bikes :)

Then I woke up but had a continuation of this when I went back to sleep. I think you wanted to write to someone on WhatsApp to let you know if there was a baby closer to home who needed care. You always loved children. You loved us. So this dream had substance and close to how you were, so caring and not thinking of your own welfare. 

I woke up with a smile and am still smiling. I know you are still near by looking after me and showering me with your love that I do not deserve. I was a bit distressed yesterday and perhaps you wanted to reassure me. I choose to believe this. I only wish, Ammaji, that I saw you too. I wish I could write to you and tell you I saw Babaji in my dream.

The words in your letters pain me still. My heart hurts when I read them.

If only...

I miss you both very much.
Miss Papa Mummy...
Miss Tauji and Chachaji...

Perhaps we will meet again some day when my time comes.
Hoping...

Love you very much
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
March 19
March 19
Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I went to sleep last night wishing from the bottom of my heart that I would see you in my dream - even if just once ever. I think of you so much but it is extremely rare that you come in my dream.

But last night you granted my wish... as underserving as I am...

I don't think I saw your faces but I did hear you Babaji saying something like "aisai mein kaisai jayagee..." ... still worrying about me... I have a strong feeling of you being there Babaji and while I didn't see or hear Ammaji but I am sure she was there as you two were practically inseparable and I am sure you are always together now. I have a feeling that Mummy was there too and so Papa was probably also.

It was a strangely beautiful dream... very symbolic. I was going up the steps and I believe these steps belonged to the house in Thapar Nagar, Gali # 6 where we used to live. I saw that as I was going up there were jugnu flying about - probably from under my feet and they would transform into butterflies somehow! Oh, it was beautiful! There was something strange and mechanical like a satellite flying overhead in the sky - not sure what that was. But the steps were beautiful! 

Thank you for giving me this gift! I wish I actually saw you but perhaps your souls are at peace now and perhaps this is your way of letting me know. Perhaps where you are there are beautiful skies, jugnu and butterflies fluttering about. 

Perhaps this is your gift to me on upcoming Holi! 
Perhaps this is your way of reassuring me that your love is still with me... that you are still with me...

At least for today I promise not to be sad and to think of only happy memories of our lives together... I had you for almost 18 years of my life and all of those were wonderful years... full of love and happiness. I just wish we were there until the end...

It was a beautiful life when we were together.
It was a beautiful dream last night...

I will just look at your photo where you have a broad smile on your faces and where Ammaji, you look content, loved and peaceful... and be grateful for you and your love.

With all my love
Aapki Gudya
Sandhia McLeod
March 8
March 8
Poojya Babaji Ammaji and Papa Mummy -- if I could write poetry, I would have said something like this...

"
I search each emerging leaf for traces of you,
strain to hear your laughter in the quickening stream.

But only silence and stillness echo my cries.
As I sink to my knees in anguish,
a hand grasps mine. I turn to find you,
radiant in the dappled sunlight.
“Not gone,” you whisper.
“Only waiting for Spring’s return, and you.”
Joy floods my heart once more.
"

   --- by Tom Kane (Medium)
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Gallery
Missing you very much today Babaji Ammaji -- Shubh Holi. Mithai kehan hai?
Happy Anniversary to Babaji Ammaji on December 1st 2023
Babaji Ammaji's wedding anniversary, 2023
Scholarships through NASH foundation
Babaji must have blessed this first rose growing in our garden... It is beautiful and so fragrant!
A rose in Babaji Ammaji's memory...
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Recent stories

Happy Wedding Anniversary..

December 1, 2023
by Sandhia McLeod
 ... to my most beloved Babaji and Ammaji...
They were inseparable in life.
While Ammaji waited an excruciating 14 years, 5 months and 4 days on October 1st, 1994 before joining him again, for all the eternity, they are once again together and I hope, happy and smiling just like when we were all together.

Babaji Ammaji's legacy... supporting Homeopathy in USA

October 6, 2023
by Sandhia McLeod
This scholarship was created to award $1000 to a student per year in hopes for continuing Babaji and Ammaji's legacy.  Even if just one of these students serves the community free of charge once they become doctors, this whole effort will have been worth everything.

It is because of the sacrifices my Babaji Ammaji and Papa Mummy made, that I am able to make this tiny effort to carry on their legacy.

A rose dedicated to Babaji Ammaji's memory...

July 5, 2023
by Sandhia McLeod
This is the first rose blooming in our garden potted in a flower pot that Mummy painted...

I remember Babaji used to love growing roses, marigold and so many other flowers.  He would water them every evening and would know if someone had plucked a flower.

While so many in our family remember him as having hot temper but I never experienced it.  I don't ever remember seeing him angry except one time.  He used to go on his bike some distance to bring milk every day and probably Ammaji, worrying about a fall, said that perhaps we should get it from someplace closer.  She may have said it enough times to make him very angry and he threw the lota down on the ground!  But never before or after have I seen him even raise his voice.

He loved me more than anything... he loved his little garden... he loved his life with Ammaji and four of us.  Who would have imagined that we would be so far apart when the end came and that he would suffer so?  Why would God cause such pain to two people who did so much for so many and never harmed anyone and lived such a simple life?

This rose is dedicated to their memory...
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