Dr. DHANPAT RAI GUPTA, (1898 - 1980) - ForeverMissed.com Online Memorials

Let the memory of my father Dhanpat Rai Gupta in our heart and soul
` be with us forever
Missing Maaji - ~62 years
Missing Babaji - 43 years, 11 months and 27 days (16,067 days)
Missing Ammaji- 29 years, 6 months and 22 days (10,796 days)

81 years old
Born on September 26, 1898 in Meerut, Lawar, U.P., India
Passed away on April 26, 1980 in Dehradun, U.P., India

This memorial website was created in memory of our loved one, DHANPAT RAI GUPTA, 81, born on September 26, 1898, and passed away on April 26, 1980 at 1:00pm in Dehradun. We will remember him forever. He was son of Lala Sagar Mal, grandson of Lala Dewan Singh, great grandson of Lala VilhasRai.

Babu Ji married to Prakash Wati Gupta of Muzaffernagar belonged to Goyal Family. Babuji were brothers of Ganpati Rai Gupta, Birbal Prashad Bansal and Ratana Lal Bansal. He was at second number of brothers. His sisters were Daya Wati and Dhan Wati.

Amma ji , as above mentioned was from Goyal family. Her sisters were Aasha Davi and Seeta Davi. Aasha Davi were not having any kids but Seeta Davi were having one son Prem Nidhi and daughters Sukumari and one more.

Babu Ji and Ammaji gave birth to Rajender Kuma.. Sukumar Chandra, Sushil Kumar and Subodh Kumar.

Sukumar and Subodh left us to join Babuji and Ammaji. Rajender Kumar is in Chandausi, India and Sushil is in Wisconsin U.S.A. Both of their wife passed away.

Babuji and Ammaji dedicated their lives helping thousands of people over the course of 50 years through the creation of a free clinic in Meerut, India. Babuji received his Doctor of Homeopathic Medicine (M.D.H.) degree from University of Allahabad, India in 1927. Later, he was conferred the honor of becoming the Member of Central Homeopathic League (M.C.H.L.). While he was an attorney by trade (he had a law degree from Meerut university), his heart was in caring for his patients. With the support of Ammaji, he saw patients in the mornings and evenings and even made house calls. When they had to leave Meerut on June 10th, 1979 due to illness, people felt a deep sense of loss. They had planned to stay in Meerut and wait for their third son, daughter-in-law and two grandchildren who were in US for 3 years and were meant to return by the end of 1980. So it was with a heavy heart and eyes full of tears when they were forced to leave their beloved Meerut. Many people came to say goodbyes and not a single eye was dry as the minivan carrying them to Dehradun left Meerut. Babuji never got to return to the place where he spent all his life and where they were both loved and respected by thousands.

A fund has been created to honor their lives by helping the development of skilled homeopaths in America. To see details please visit:
https://homeopathy.org/nash-foundation/scholarships/

Babuji was active member of Rajvansh Sabha, a society and hold the position of Secerety of the society. He was although from a farming back ground but was the first in family to open three cinemas in Meerut. Evening time was working late nights.

To be completed shortly.....

I am

son of Babu ji

Sushil Kumar Bansal

U.S.A.

Note from Gudya - the granddaughter:
Ammaji's birthday is not known. But we celebrate it on the same day as Babaji's - September 26th. Her birth year was 1906.

She passed away on October 1st, 1994 at 2:00pm in Lucknow at Sukumar Tauji's place. She was suffering for many years without Babaji and missed her life with him in Meerut very much. They were counting days for our return from US. Papa Mummy had just arrived there that day. Perhaps she was just waiting for them. I did not get to see either of the two people - Ammaji and Babaji - in the end. They poured all their love on me since the time I was born. I am left with a legacy of such incredible unconditional love and almost 2000 letters written by both of them to the four of us - mostly between September 1977 and 1981. Unfortunately I do not have access to later letters written by Ammaji as they were probably in Papa's possession and is lost to me now that even he has been gone for over 6 years.

Ammaji's "Bibi" (Asha Devi - Ammaji's elder sister) passed away on March 4th, 1979 at 4:00am Indian time in Muzaffarnagar. She was with her nephew (by marriage) in Patel Nagar at that time. She seems to have died peacefully in bed after spending a normal day. Her sister-in-law found her in the morning.

Her Date of Birthday is unknown.

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February 13, 2023

Poojya Ammaji

I read two of your letters that you wrote just after Babaji when you reached Chandausi in June of 1980. Ammaji, if I send you a hug now, will you get it? I feel such profound sadness that we were not there at the time and that we did not fulfil one wish that Babaji had and had asked us to do for him. He was so worried about you. If we were together, you would have been okay. You would have still missed Babaji of course but we would have cried together and talked about him together and consoled each other.

I read your letters that are soaked in tears and sadness. It would have been better if someone had made a home for you instead of you going around from place to place. You were suddenly without a person who could not live without you for one day! But like you said, if you had gone first, Babaji would not have been able to bear it. I remember he used to get sick when you visited mausiji for one day!

Ammaji, we, the four of us, bear the guilt of not being there for you. If I could just go back... If there is a God, I want him to send me his severest punishment for not taking care of you, for leaving you two on your own at your age and also later for not really taking care of Papa Mummy. Time just goes by and I don't know where it has gone. Perhaps because of Mummy's illness that spanned 25 years and perhaps also me just selfishly getting on with life here worrying about stupid things, time just seems to have passed me by.

You said that you had not seen Babaji in your dream and you thought that it was probably because he was angry with you for, maybe a few times, when you may have been short with him (I can't imagine you being short with anyone though). I find that impossible to believe. He could never be angry with you. But are you two angry with me? I don't see you much in my dream. Although that one experience I had when I was momentarily back in my room in our Vijaynagar home, I can never forget. I know you and Babaji can never be angry with me - disppointed in me, yes; but not so angry. Won't you come in my dream tonight - just once? I promise not to ask of this again. Just one dream of you will be enough to last me a life time. Also tonight is Papa's 10th anniversary since he had his stroke.

At this stage in my life, I think of our life together and it all seems so strange that I am where I am now. So loved by you and Babaji and in a totally different World. Help me Ammaji. Please let me see you just once in my dream to let me know that you are now in a happy place, together, with all the family; and that you will wait for me when my time comes.

Ammaji, I love you so very much - both of you. I am hoping that your letters will keep me company when I am gone.

My best memories are of you and Babaji.
Love you
Your Gudya

February 9, 2023

Poojya Babaji Ammaji
As I read your letters starting from September 7th, 1977, a story is forming. A story of pain that both of you suffered during the last 2 years, 7 months and 24 days of Babaji, your life and more than 16 years of Ammaji, yours.

We were here in US and missed you so very much. But we had distractions and we were the one who left. You two were left to your own devices with suddenly so much loneliness.

I wish you didn't let me go. I wish you stopped me. I wish you said "yes, stay" when I said "I didn't want to go". This would have been a path that would have led to much more happiness and lot less pain and suffering for all four of you.

But we can't go back in time, can we? I know it doesn't help to keep thinking of these things and of "what could have been" and of "should have's". But these thoughts and feelings are all I have left of our family together. Each one of your letter is full of love and tears for us. Reading these makes me very sad but also reminds me of where I come from. Your letters and memories keep me grounded. Your voices take me back to happier times when we were all together.

You and your love will always live on in me. Thank you for being mine and for giving me everything a child could ever want.

With all my love
Your Gudya

February 7, 2023

Poojya Babaji Ammaji
I can't help but believe that you have sent your Aashirwaad to me in the form of Chris. It couldn't have been just a coincidence. You wrote once "I don't want to see her (me) in troubles". I know how much you used to worry about me especially. It has to be you who sent him to me. I know you are looking down and seeing how protective he is of me - like you used to be.

You two made such a selfless sacrifice in not insisting that I/we stay with you - especially at that stage in your life! You two never complained and always tried to make us feel that you were doing fine. From what I can see, I have benefitted most from your letting-go even though it caused enormous pain and suffering.

I promise that I will find a way to work toward something meaningful, no matter how small. I can't let your sacrifice go to waste. There are several opportunities here now for me to help in small ways. I know you will show me the way.

Love you both. And miss you even more.
Your Gudya

February 7, 2023

Poojya Babaji Ammaji
I am starting to scan your letters and in the process read them.
I wish you kept me with you and not let me go with Papa Mummy to US. I think that things would have turned out much better for us as a family. I think Papa Mummy would have returned to India after the term was over and Mummy would have gotten better treatment. And so many bad things that have happened would not have happened. I also think that you may have stayed healthy longer as the stress would have been lot less of the loss.

But I understand why you did not stop me.
Still I wish that you had. You two brought us up and took care of us. I would have happily stayed with you. There was an excitement to go to US, of course. But leaving you was more painful than any of us thought it would be.

Since I started reading them, sometimes I sit and just picture how it would have been if I had returned home in September 77, as you advised. I run the whole scenario of me getting out of the car and running upstairs! What would you say and how we would laugh and cry all at once.

I wish...
But this was not to be.

I miss you so very much - especially these days as I read your letters and feel such pain. Will I see you again when it is my time? That one time when I dreamt of you two sitting outside and talking, that was a happy one. You both seemed healthy and happy. And the other time when I felt that I was in my room in our home - just momentarily! That was so real! I treasure these expressions and rare dreams when you visit me.

I love you so much, Babaji, Ammaji.
Your Gudya

February 6, 2023

Poojya Babaji Ammaji
You have left a treasure that is most precious to me. Your memories are always going to be locked inside my heart. But your letters! They are the most valuable possession I have. I have been reading your letters starting the one you wrote on the 7th of September 1977. I am scanning them and read them as I go along. My hope is to create a book - even if it is just for me.

It breaks my heart to read them. At the time three years may not have sounded like a long time but it was just too long. You were at the age when you should not have been left alone on your own. I woke up thinking of the hardships you must have gone through - emotionally, physically and also financially. It is easier for the people who leave than for the ones left behind. While we missed you terribly and mummy and I used to cry as we read your letters but we had other distractions. You did not. One cannot go back and relive the life and hopefully fix the mistakes of the past. Even if I had stayed behind with you, it would have been so much easier for you - and or me - to have you for another couple of years would have been a gift. Who knows, if you didn't have to suffer the stress of missing us so much, your cancer may not have come for few more years.

I read from Ammaji's letters that you stopped getting the bread as it went back quickly and instead ate biscuits and things about the magazines -- it breaks my heart even more. We had a wonderful life together and I am sure there were times when not everyone was happy as it is normal for a family. But we were a family who lived together for all my life at that point.

I miss you so very much and feel a pang when I listen to your voices on the tape. Your tears cut through my heart. I don't think I ever remember either of you crying. I can't help but think that we put those tears in your eyes and pain in your chest - you did not deserve any of that.

You gave us nothing but love. We, in the end, gave you nothing but pain. And all that for what? In the end Papa Mummy both suffered a great deal - as you must have seen from wherever you are. I saw Mummy in my dream last night and it was a very distressing dream. I hope that you all are happy together and nothing but smiles touches your lips and eyes.

I love you very much.
Your Gudya.

January 19, 2023

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I am listening to your voices from the past and feel so grateful to you two and everyone in the family for making these tapes. I only wish that I could listen to these with Papa Mummy. Now I am all alone who listens to these and laugh and cry while doing that; it would have been much nicer if I could do that with them.

It breaks my heart to listen to the pain in your voices and still as you try to console us and encourage us to not feel afraid of never seeing you again. Yet I do feel a sense of peace at knowing that you two reminded one another of the love you both felt. Papa Mummy were not that lucky. Though it is like you said Ammaji, and I remember you saying that long time ago to Babaji when we were together also, that he shouldn't give so much love because it will cause just as much pain later. I know now what you meant.

The pain of never seeing you again, Babaji; the pain of becoming too involved in my own life here and later with Papa Mummy and our problems of home when it finally broke up and Papa Mummy's prolonged illnesses and not thinking of you two for a long time; and mostly the pain of knowing the suffering both of you endured when you were both so simple, loving, caring and innocent of any wrong doing - it is sometimes unbearable.

When I get too bogged down with things or when I let someone else make me feel sad, I always think of you and your words always put everything in perspective.

If I could just go back home again... Home to you... home to Papa Mummy...
Now Chris is all I have and I hope that I will come to you before his time comes...

I love you both so much.
Your Gudia

January 1, 2023

From my beginning until your end
You were by my side, my first best friend...
- Author unknown

Poojya Babaji Ammaji
Another year has begun today; another year to add to the number of years we have been apart. But your smile and your voice is as fresh in my memory as ever and for that I am very thankful today.

Thank you for giving me the best of your love and teachings
You are always in my heart.
Love
Your Gudia

December 26, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

64 years ago today your home must have been full of excitement and happiness. Mummy's first day as your new bahu! Never thought about talking about all those things with papa mummy to see how it was. The only story I know is what Papa liked to tell - about an argument with mummy having to do with a photo box. Now I think of all sorts of things I should have/ would have liked to ask and talk about.

A little too late.

Here's another year around the corner...

Missing you so much.
With all my love
Your Gudia

December 20, 2022

To the Family I miss every day --

Michael is here. Chris and he are talking. Doing things together. I think of you us and how we used to sit together, talk, make plans for the day or for tomorrow, and of course, fight too. But it was all good. We were together, comfortable with each other, and everything was alright. Long ago when we lived together, I guess at the time that was just a normal day or normal week or normal whatever. But now whenever I think of that time whether it is Meerut or here, it all feels so cozy. A warmth, a closeness, a feeling that all is right in the World.

Never again will I have that feeling. You, none of you whom I loved and who loved me more than life, are here anymore. I tell myself that I will see you again. Will I? Just because I would like to believe it, will that make it true? Are the little incidents that seem like a sign that you are somewhere waiting for me, are they real? Or just something that I need to be true? I don't know. I hope I will see you again someday.

I sit in the window, reading "Aapka Bunti", thinking of the time when Ammaji and I used to read it together when it published in Dharmyug. Was it so long ago? Or just yesterday? How comfortable you would have been here! I started to cry but then I remembered that it would make you sad to see tears in my eyes. So, I thought I write you this letter while I am feeling whatever I am feeling.

I think I will send this letter to all of you as it is what I would say to all of you.

I miss the voices that called me "Gudia". I miss talking in Hindi. But more than anything I miss the comfortable and warm feeling of what only people who brought me up could bring.

May my voice and love reach all of you.

With all my love
Your Gudia

December 13, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I finally was able to get the tape of your voices reprocessed. Mummy and I used to listen to it together and have a good cry together. Listening to it again, all alone, breaks my heart even more. I don't think that I ever saw either of you cry in almost 18 years of my life but we left you all alone in Meerut with nothing but tears.

We, when we were together, had everything - because we had love for each other. As a child I never felt deprived or wanting for anything - I had more precious gift that most children grow up with - the love of a family. When I feel sad, I remind myself of that - of all that I have had. It breaks my heart to hear you two cry and feel so sad and miss us so much. Only, now that I am older and can understand better, I find a little bit of - maybe happiness or peace - not sure what the right way to describe the feeling is - when I am listening to your voices because you two, even at that stage when pain was unbearable - both emotionally as well as mentally - loved one another enough to voice your feelings toward one another. You both tried so hard to take away one another's pain - Ammaji telling you "Aapnai mujha itna pyaar diya hai..." and you telling her "Mein tumhai akaila nehi chodna chahta tha, per..." and asking your sons "inka dhyaan rakhna, inhain koi pareshani mut honai dena...". I am somewhat consoled that both of you knew the love you shared. -- something that was missing in final hours for Mummy. Papa still was struggling with this devastating and sudden loss of life as he had known it and it took him a while to find strength to smile again - and what a smile he had!

I know you are somewhere... even though I don't see you in my dreams much. But when I went back to the room in our last home together, even if just for a moment - I know that experience couldn't have been just a coincidence. So I tried to tell myself last night when I was missing you so much to do better and not feel so sad because you would be very sad to see me cry. I miss you but I think it is the pain I feel when I think about the agony you two went through, is what that causes me more pain than anything else. All four of you, Sukumar tauji and to some extent even Raje tauji suffered so much. How to believe in a God who allows for the best of people to suffer so much? I am trying but it is hard... Ammaji said in the tape "humnai aisee kiya galti kee hai ki bhagwan hamein itna dukh daiga?". Mummy said something similar "Bhagwan hamarai saath aisa khail kyon khail reha hai?"... I don't know the answer.

Is there a parallel universe where we made the right decision and stayed together until the end? Only in that scenario could there have been a relatively happier ending. Ammaji would have been more comfortable staying in the familiar surroundings - and that would have meant everything to you as well as to us. That would have been one less worry and burden on your mind. I wonder if it happens in some other universe. I hope so...

Love you so very much.
Your Gudia

November 28, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

This day belongs to you...
You held me tight from this day years ago until you could not. You gave me all you had - all the love and showed me the way.

Hope you will continue to light my path from wherever you are.
With all my love
Your Gudia

November 26, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Thinking of you today - as always.
Thinking about how you may have held me for the first time... From that day onward until the end you never stopped loving me...
You have given me so much.

All I can do in return is to follow your footsteps and pass your legacy on as best as I can.

You are always in my thoughts and in my heart.

Thank you for holding me in your heart...

I will miss your "cheeni ki dahi" on my birthday morning.

Love you and miss you
Your Gudia

November 20, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Its been a few days since I visited here. I have been thinking of you, picturing how you would sit on the deck in warm sunshine and imagining what you would say. I wonder if you would open up your clinic here and imagine walking with Ammaji - holding hand with her. I have been thinking of those early years of my life when you were teaching me the math tables and I try to picture how you would hold my hand and take me back upstairs.

I miss all that.

I miss just knowing that you would be home and the comfort of that thought. Ammaji's " til ki panjeeri"... her smile.

I feel blessed that even after so many years have passed, I can picture you just like yesterday. It validates the feeling of a bond between us.

Its been almost 5 years since papa went away. Hope you are all together now and are happy and comfy.

Love you and miss you both always
Your Gudia

October 27, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I am in need of the comfort of your goad today. You are always on my mind but there are times when I wish I could find that warmth and love that only you could give.

Love you
Your Gudia

October 24, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Happy Diwali... from my heart to you - wherever you are.
1976 was our last Diwali together. We would have gotten up with Mehandi rachai haath. Ammaji, yours were always very dark and mine very light.

Those were such wonderful days and home to grow up in. I have been very lucky to have all those memories. I keep them close to my heart.

With all my love
Your Gudia

October 20, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I love you so much - I know you know this. But it still feels good to say it.
When I was looking at the photos, one of those is mine with Maaji and suddenly I realized how lucky I was to have that photo. Probably not many in the family has a photo with her! I seem to have a memory of her sitting in her bed; and this photo.

I picture you how it would have been if you were here with me - how we will sit and talk and perhaps go for a walk. It is beautiful here. Diwali is coming - and with that the memory of us making Diwali on the wall - my favourite thing to do; all the food; placing out the candles all over the place; Puja together and of course that never ending supply of phoolghari!! It was such fun. Even removing all the wax next day was such fun. I miss those days. But mostly I miss seeing you and knowing that you were there to help me up if I fell and knowing that you would be there to love me forever. The childhood and its never ending hope and optimism :)

You are always in my heart - safely tucked away and always on my mind.
Love you
Your Gudia

October 9, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I saw you both in my dream today, so clearly and looking healthy. Ammaji was giving my room to someone who didn't have a home so she could teach a few students. I wanted to talk to you, Ammaji - but you were sitting outside talking with Babaji and I didn't want to disturb.

Today is a really happy day because this is one of those very rare day when I dreamt of you :) :)

I love you so much and hope that you will keep smiling from wherever you are.
Oh, this is such a happy day. Thank you!!!

With all my love
Your Gudia

October 2, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I am listening to your voices from Papa's visit in 1980. You were in unimaginable pain, Babaji - both physically and emotionally. I wish I could give you a hug. We were so far away from you. You did so much for your family, for us, for me - and for hundreds of thousands of people through your unselfish and caring heart. Everyone says that if you are a good person, you will be rewarded. But what kind of reward was this that at the end of your life you, who never wanted any help from anyone, suffered so much. And you who loved us more than your own life - we were not there in the end.

Today is 28 years + 1 day since Ammaji too left this World and us. Her suffering was probably more than yours because you were not there - she was very lonely without you. She missed you, she missed her life in Meerut with you - and us. She deserved better. You deserved better.

I miss you two more than I can say. Hopefully you know it and can see me from wherever you are. I would give anything to be back with you.

You gave me love, security and also taught prepared me to know right from wrong. There was nothing that I did not have as I grew up in your protection. I hope I will see you again.

Love you
Your Gudia

October 1, 2022

Poojya Ammaji

Thinking of you today and always. Hope you are somewhere surrounded by our family and happy.

I miss making rangolis on deewal with you for Diwali and Dashahra. That was a lot of fun. Miss listening to Behno ka program and reading magazines with you.

I miss you always for everything.
Love you
Your Gudia

September 30, 2022

Poojya Ammaji

28 years ago today was your last day with us. I miss you so very much but finally you would fall in peaceful sleep in about eighteen and a half hour from now. You had a really good life with Babaji and I am so grateful and happy for that. But the last 14 years of your life without him - were most difficult, I know. If we had been there for you and lived together as before instead of being oceans apart, things would have been better. That was the only thing Babaji asked of papa - to look after her. We did not keep that promise and did not honor his wishes. This will always haunt me. I don't see you two much in my dreams and it is probably because of the disappointment we caused you. You never ever complained - in fact, always sounded upbeat - other than in couple of letters where you told us how you missed your life in Meerut when Babaji was around. This is the saddest part of my life and will go with me.

Will you be there to take me back when it is my time? I hope so... I hope that you and Babaji along with Papa Mummy will come for me. I hope I will have the strength to follow your path.

I miss you so very much. I hope you know that.
And I love you both more than I can say.
Love
Your Gudia

September 26, 2022

Happy 124th Birthday Babaji.
Happy 116th Birthday Ammaji.

You were my Babaji Ammaji and loved me best.
You gave me more love than any child can expect.

You made the World a better place when you helped thousands during your lifetime with your free medical practice for over 50 years! And now your legacy continues on as an annual scholarship to one student of Homeopathy. If even one of the recipients will turn out to be as caring as you, my effort to help continue your legacy will be a success.

I miss you every day. I hope the sweet smell of my Suji Halwa will reach you today and bring a happy smile to your face.

Love you always.
Your Gudia

September 25, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Wish you were here with me 17 years ago on this day. I probably was too busy thinking of myself that day but I miss your presence terribly now - especially since Papa joined you and left me- leaving a lot of time for me to think about things.

Thank you for being my Babaji and Ammaji.
Love you always
Your Gudia

September 8, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I am sending a hug for you all.
I know you will give Mummy a special hug today - and one from me too...

In your loving memory
Your Gudia

September 7, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Mummy was preparing to come to you today - this would be the last morning she would wake up and last day when I could hold her hand and the last day we sat together.

I hope you are all together and are happy.

I want not to be sad because I know it makes you sad too but especially on a day like today - it is hard.

September has so many memories - both happy and sad...
I guess I miss Papa the most because he was the last one and I clung to him very tightly. He and I shared our grief like no one else and that brought us close together. We depended on one another and then he was gone... suddenly...

Missing you all very much
With all my Love
Your Gudia

September 4, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

45 years ago we broke your hearts and came to the States. We all missed you terribly and cried together reading your letters which arrived almost every other day. But on this particular day, rather night time when we left, how you must have suffered. Usha wrote to me later and told me that you had fallen on the steps and cried while missing us all night!

I cannot imagine the pain that you must have suffered that night and for the rest of your life. You gave us all your love and affection but in the end we gave you nothing but pain.

And all these years of mummy papa's illness and even before just having been wrapped up in my young life, I slowly let other things take over. But you didn't have that luxury. Always the ones that are left suffer much more - being in a house left empty - than the ones who actually leave.

But now with even Papa gone, I miss you and think of you almost all the time. Wish we hadn't come here. Wish I was there to hold both your hands when your time came. Wish...

But it is all too late now.

I can only hope that you see me from wherever you are and are waiting for me. I won't ask for forgiveness as I don't deserve it. But I miss you very much. I know you are somewhere as I recognized the sign when you took me back to our home - even if just momentarily.

I love you very much.
Your Gudia

July 29, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I was reminded of the sound and feel of summer rain today when we were all together at home; when life was carefree and happy and filled with childhood wonders and all was well with the World.

All is still well since I know you are somewhere always watching over me, no matter where I am. It just brought back so many memories to be standing out and smelling the rain. And I missed you...

I always miss you.

Love
Your Gudia

July 13, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I know you are smiling down at me from somewhere.
Wish you were with me today... not just in my heart but here close so I could give you a big hug.

Life is strange, isn't it? It all seems like a dream. Thank you for being mine.

I will always love you and miss you
Your Gudia

July 7, 2022

"Aapka Bunti" - Ammaji, you and I used to read this novel together when it first appeared in Hindustan magazine. I have managed to get a copy of it and I am saving to read it sitting in a comfy spot like the one I had in Meerut. It is one of the very dear memories of you and me.... You and I... we did so many things together - play cards, read books, made rangolis for Diwali and Dashahra. I miss the panzeeri you used to make with Til and gud.

I miss so many things - it was a perfect childhood... a perfect time.

Hope you and Babaji are waiting for me somewhere and will be there to embrace me when my time comes.

With all our loving memories
Your Gudia

June 27, 2022

Poojya Babaji

I had a dream this morning and it was so clear. I was working somewhere at my desk and there was another lady sitting on the desk next to me with her daughter. I asked the daughter if she believed in homeopathy and the mother answered in affirmative. I then started to tell her that "my grandfather was a homeopathic doctor" and she cut me off and said "Oh you mean Dr. Dhanpat Rai Gupta?"! I was astonished to hear her say that but then suddenly I woke up.

It just made me happy to see someone who knew you and remembered you - even if it was just a dream.

I wish you could be here in person. I know you are always with me in my heart but I just imagine some times how it would be to be sitting with you and Ammaji again. I can almost feel your hand on mine when I think of it.

I hope you are at peace and together with the family somewhere.

I love you both and miss you very much
Your Gudia

June 19, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I woke up in distress today because I saw you two in my dream today looking not happy. I thought in my dream that you looked "listless" and then I woke myself up. I don't usually see you - though I think of you all the time. So I don't know what this means. I know you are disappointed in me and it is too late for me to be able to fix anything - in connection to you two or in that to Papa Mummy. It is meaningless to say "I am sorry" at this point. What does that do? It won't take away the pain that you four suffered.

Today is Father's day and this specially distressd me to see you. When I last saw you, Babaji, on April 1st, you looked so healthy - even younger. That was a happy dream. Not today...

Happy Father's Day to you Babaji - wherever you are. Sometimes I try to imagine you sitting in the car with me when I am driving. It makes me happy. I can almost feel the touch of your hand on mine and I can see your hand so clearly in my mind. Same with Ammaji.

May be you came to remind me of a promise I made to myself - that I will start doing "Shanti Paath" starting this Father's Day for you all. I had almost forgotten it. It just occurred to me. I will do this every day until I am gone, I promise. May it bring you peace. May you always smile at me...

You are always in my heart.
Love you today and always
Your Gudia

June 16, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I think of you always... but when I am sick, I really miss those wonderfully happy childhood days when you would make Khichri for me and Babaji would give me the medicines - both to make me get better quickly. That was another lifetime, it seems... but so like just yesterday.

You are always in my heart and on my mind even though I don't see you in my dreams much. Maybe soon...

It is strange that at this point, Babaji, I am a year older than you were when I was born; and 9 whole years older than you, Ammaji!! Papa Mummy and all but one of your sons and their wives are all with you now. It all seems like a dream - the life we had together - happiest anyone can ever have.

And all that I have now, is also only because you gifted me this.

Thank you for being mine.
Thank you for your love and smiles.

Missing you always.
With all my Love
Your Gudia

May 22, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

All I can think to say today is "wish you were here". I try to picture you sitting, laughing and talking in so many places, when I am driving; walking... I can almost hear your voices. I have to believe that you can see me from wherever you are and are with me in all the good and bad that I experience now - especially for the good things. Every now and then Chris says something or does something that takes me back to the years spent with you and how much you loved me and worried about me. It can't be a coincidence that I found him! You would have loved him, I know but then you know...

Missing you as always.
With all my love
Your Gudia

May 8, 2022

Poojya Ammaji

I was just listening to the tape that Papa brought back when he visited you two in Dehradun. You sound so brave and so encouraging to Babaji - and as I listen, I don't know how... Papa, looks like, found his strength when his time came. Babaji was so worried about you but he must have found your words and the sound of your voice somewhat heartwarming and maybe, I hope, it gave him some peace.

We didn't or couldn't do one thing that Babaji ever asked of us - that was to live together with you because we always did until the trip to US came about. There is so much that happened since then and somehow we became very busy with our lives here. Your letters and your memories are all with me and will be until and even after I am gone. I have made arrangements so for this. Those are my best treasure.

I wish our time together could have lasted forever. But now I have to content with the memories and I am very grateful for the memories you have given me. And for the love...

Love you very much
Your Gudia

May 8, 2022

I think I will miss you forever,
like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky...

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Someone wrote this poem and expressed just how I feel. You have become memories and will always live in my heart.

Happy Mother's Day

Love you
Your Gudia

April 27, 2022

Poojya Ammaji

This must have been the most difficult day for you 42 years ago - now. First day without Babaji. A shield gone; a lifetime of togetherness gone; a sense of loneliness and "now what?" kind of feeling. If we were there together with you, it may have helped just a little.

Still I am thankful that Babaji went first because he would not have been able to bear your loss. I remember how sick he used to get when you went away on couple of your rare visits to Mujaffarnagar or elsewhere.

There is nothing to be done now as all is over but I can't help thinking about "what ifs". Whenever something happy happens here, I think of you and can just see your face that would brighten up. I think of your mehandi walai haath - you used to get a real dark red color and I never did. I remember touching your arms and thinking how soft they were. I think of you and I making Diwali on the wall. I remember you really liked the song "woh mera hoga... woh sapna tera hoga..." - you told me the story of that movie while you were washing dishes one day. So many things I remmeber and miss and nothing will ever be the same.

I miss you and Babaji very much Ammaji - miss Papa Mummy - miss everyone. But you know that, I know...

Love you always
Your Gudia

April 26, 2022

Poojya Babaji

Today is the day - probably just about this time, 42 years ago you said Goodbye to the World. I know you had two things on your mind - worry about Ammaji and sadness at us not being at your side. You gave us so much but we were not there when you most needed us. I often think about how it would have been if we were together until that time... I don't know how I could bear seeing you in so much pain when I never saw you sick the entire time I was growing up! But the pain that you suffered at not being able to see us ... can it be compared and am I not being selfish again? The four people who nurtured me in different ways - I was only able to be at Mummy's side. Papa was the most unlucky one. Who would have thought that things would go the way they did for him since he was always such a healthy person? Or was it Ammaji who was most unlucky. It breaks my heart to read her letters since after you were gone. She missed you so much and the life she had in Meerut! How it all changed!

Babaji - I try to think of you the way I dreamt of you on the 2nd of this month and keep that image with me - you looked so healthy and younger. I miss you so much. You are never far from my thoughts. I have so much now and I truly believe that you are always looking out for me. I am afraid I don't deserve your love, mostly for abandoning Ammaji. We should have gone back - if for nothing else than for her. In that parallel universe Mummy would also have fared better as she would have received a better treatment and ... I go on and on thinking of what is not to be - not in the universe we are in...

I just hope that the small step I have taken on your behalf to help NASH with scholarships for Homeopathy students will keep your legacy going. At this point this is all I could do. All those years you spent helping and treating thousands of people will always be remembered and hopefully at least one of the students the scholarship helps will go on to be like you. If that happens, at least I would have done something, however small, to make you proud and bring smile to your lips.

Babaji, when it is my time, I hope you and Ammaji will take me back. That is my prayer and hope.

Thinking of you today and always.
With all my love
Your Gudia

April 4, 2022

April 2, 2022
Poojya Babaji

Aaj mainai aapko sapnai mein dekha - after a very very long time. You looked younger and healthy. Babaji, this is the best thing that has happened to me in so long. I know now for sure that you, ammaji, mummy and papa are looking out for me from somewhere. I have missed you so much and there are so many things that I want to say to you. Babaji, I am so happy to have seen you - the dream was so vivid, even though you were there just for couple of moments.

Some day I will see you all. I hope you will come for me when it is my time.

I love you all so very much and miss you more than I can say.
Your Gudia

March 27, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Life has come full circle, it would appear. Started with you and ending with Chris. It cannot be a coincidence that Chris is in my life. Something he said the other day reminded me of the days when you used to ride your bike behind my rickshaw to school, whenever I wasn't walking, because you were afraid that I may get kidnapped. It has to be you who sent him to me - to love and protect.

I have been thinking of you so much. Ammaji I found few more of your letters in a book from 1988. Your letters written after Babaji always fill me with such sadness. 14 years without him for you - who rarely ever separated from him! If we were together, we would have helped each other and life would have turned out so different. If only you could have come here or we there...

I say a prayer every days that you would always keep your protective hand over me from wherever you are and that I would have the strength to follow the path of your ideals and finally that you would take me in your bossom when it is my time - I hope you will be there to hold my hand then.

You have given me so much and still you keep on giving. You two never complained and never said a cross word to us for leaving you at that stage. We should have known better.

Now that I am growing a garden, it reminds me of you often, Babaji - you were so protective of your roses! This garden is dedicated to you both and Papa Mummy - without whom nothing would be possible.

Missing you so very much.
With all my love
Your Gudia

February 13, 2022

Poojya Babaji

I was thinking this morning - and probably just realized that I don't have any photo of me with you - probably after the age of 10 or 11!! I have couple with Ammaji but none with you! We should have taken some at the time of leaving India. There is a photo of you with your sons taken at that time but none taken of us together...

What an oversight that was. We thought, at the time, that we will be together again after three years but still... What a loss this is.

Babaji and Ammaji - I miss you so much. I hope you will always keep your hand on my head and give me the strength to follow your ideals. I hope that you, along with Papa Mummy, will come to take me with you when it is my time. I hope I will see you again.

You know what an awful night this was 9 years ago when Papa had his stroke. I wish I was there with him that day and I would have recognized the signs. But I was not.

Love you always
Your Gudia

January 18, 2022

Dear Babaji Ammaji

Wish you were here...

Missing you
With Love
Your Gudia

January 16, 2022

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I was reading in "The Essential Gandhi" this morning that the family we are born in is a result of our actions in previous life. I must have done some pretty good things to have been born in yours. It gave me a sort of peace and made me feel happy at the thought.

Thank you for being my Babaji and Ammaji and for the love you showered on me; and for being my guardian angles.

Love you always.
Missing you forever.
Your Gudia

January 9, 2022

Poojya Ammaji

I miss you so very much... I hope you can see that and know it. I can still remember the touch of your hand, your arm - I thought they were so soft.

I can see you in my mind whenever I want and that is a blessing. You are always with me in my heart. And even though you know it, I just wanted to say that I really miss you.

With all my love to you and Babaji
Your Gudia

January 4, 2022

Poojya Babaji, Ammaji

A major milestone has passed today. Looking back everything seems like yesterday. I guess life is too short or time flies fast or both. It just seems so strange - from my beginnings to here at this point! I hope you are seeing me and know how I wish you were here. Ammaji would give me dahi aur cheeni and smile that beautiful smile.

Thinking of you always gives me such warmth and brings so much comfort when I am distressed. Please stay with me always and come for me when my time comes along with Papa Mummy to take me by the hand.

I miss you very much. There is a hole in my heart and it can't be filled until that last day...

Love you
Your Gudia

December 28, 2021

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Today you were reunited with your son. I needed him here but if I can stop being selfish for once, I see that it was time - time for him to stop suffering and hurting - time to be with you all again. I know that in my heart. Still I needed him - just as I needed all of you to be always be with me. But he was the last one and maybe because of that and also because of the last four years of his life there was another bond created between him and me - as he trusted me and counted on me - though I let him down in the end.

But you know that my frustrations at the end were no indicative of my lack of love for him. He made me feel home whenever I thought of him and/or went to see him. It was more of my anger for not being to fix things for him - not being able to make it better.

I wonder what he was thinking this morning four years ago when he woke up for the last time.

Wonder about lots of things... what things may have been like if ... and there are so many parallel universes - what are they like? Who knows...

Missing you as always.
Love
Your Gudia

November 27, 2021

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I thought of dahi and cheeni you used to give me on this day. I miss those simpler days and life - surrounded with lots of love and books and music - what else can one ask for in life?

I think of you always but specially when I get bogged down with day to day things - and thinking of you brings me back to what is really important in life - and it lifts a weight from me.

I miss you today and always
With all my love
Your Gudia

November 5, 2021

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Shubh Diwali. Thank you for giving me so many happy memories of family times and celebrations; lots and lots of good food; mehandi; diya and mombatti; phoolgharis - the endless supply of these; and above all your love and patience and of teaching me right from wrong.

I miss you always; but especially today. Ammaji, you and I used to make rangoli on deewar and it was such fun! I remember making picture of Lakshmiji and using sparkles with glue. Miss sitting down to puja with all of you and eating so many different kinds of puris.

Lately I have also been thinking a lot about mausiji and Daya Buaji. I remember once mausiji took me to Muzzafarnagar with her - I have a vague memory of her home. They all add to the happy childhood I had and remind me of how lucky I have been.

With all my love -- always.
Your Gudia

October 30, 2021

Poojya Babaji

I dreamt of you last night - it was mostly a feeling that you were there and I remember waking up thinking Babaji was in my dream. I think of you and Ammaji all the time and I hope you know that.

You and Ammaji will always live on in my heart and in my memory.
Love always
Your Gudia

October 1, 2021

Poojya Ammaji

AAj 27 saal ho gayai jub hum akailai reh gayai. Aap, lagta hai, bus Papa Mummy ka intizaar kur rahi thi. I am glad that they got to see you one last time. Papa never said, as was his way, but he missed you terribly.

There are lots of "should have's" now but that is all after the fact and won't absolve any of us. I wonder if this is why Babaji hardly ever comes in my dreams...

I miss you so much. I think of those early mornings when I had exams and you would give me dahi and cheeni and would be waiting for me to come home... Your Alu ka halwa... I can both smell and taste it when I think of it. I will make some today but it never tastes the same as yours. I remember us reading "Aapka Bunti" in Dharmyug and listening to "Bahno ka Program" on radio with both you and Mummy... I can almost see you sitting under the tree with Babaji and reading news paper.. making jawa... you holding my hand and walking... So many memories. I am very grateful for all those.

A few of your letters sit next to my bed. Who knew how life would change so much after Babaji. He was right to worry. I see in your letters after he was gone - the longing for the days gone and how much you missed him and those days when we were all together. He provided such a sheltered life for all of us... I feel the pain physically when I read those thoughts in your letters. But I am amazed, at the same time, how you never complained and tried to sound so brave and happy - when you were all but that.

I hope that you are at peace now - with Babaji - with Papa Mummy - with Mausiji - I do miss her also and remember going to Muzaffarnagar with her once.

Remembering you today and always.
Thank you for being my Ammaji...
With all my love
Your Gudia

September 26, 2021

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I was just listening to your voice Babaji - on the tape that you sent with Papa. At the end of it you said that you were now hopeful that we will see each other again and that you were feeling better. But it didn't work out that way.

I often try to imagine what it would have been like when we returned to find you at home in Vijayanagar - right where we left you. I try to imagine the glow on both your faces and the happiness! Wish....

All my life with you - I never saw either of you sick! You were always healthy! I wonder if it was the stress of us leaving caused you to become so ill. We should have been with you when you most needed us.

I hope you are both at peace now. Hoping to see you again keeps me going - some day. I hope you will come for me and take my hand when it is my time.

Happy Birthday to both of you.
With all my love
Your Gudia

September 26, 2021

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Missing you and thinking of you on your 123rd and 115th Birthday...
Happy Birthday wherever you are... I hope you are together with rest of our family and enjoying a happy sunshine.

You are always in my heart and in my thoughts.
Thank you for taking me back to our home - and now I know...

Love you always
Your Gudia

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April 21

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

Babaji, Aaj mainai aapko supnai mein dekha!
Last time I saw you was on April 1st, 2022 and before that a very long time ago.

I saw that you were riding your bike on some very hilly mountain to go and take care of some baby. It was very far and I began worrying how you could possibly get there. But finally you did and I took a sigh of relief. But then how would you get back? And you did, safe and sound. I saw myself clapping and happy to see you back. You said you hit two people on bikes :)

Then I woke up but had a continuation of this when I went back to sleep. I think you wanted to write to someone on WhatsApp to let you know if there was a baby closer to home who needed care. You always loved children. You loved us. So this dream had substance and close to how you were, so caring and not thinking of your own welfare.

I woke up with a smile and am still smiling. I know you are still near by looking after me and showering me with your love that I do not deserve. I was a bit distressed yesterday and perhaps you wanted to reassure me. I choose to believe this. I only wish, Ammaji, that I saw you too. I wish I could write to you and tell you I saw Babaji in my dream.

The words in your letters pain me still. My heart hurts when I read them.

If only...

I miss you both very much.
Miss Papa Mummy...
Miss Tauji and Chachaji...

Perhaps we will meet again some day when my time comes.
Hoping...

Love you very much
Aapki Gudya

March 19

Poojya Babaji Ammaji

I went to sleep last night wishing from the bottom of my heart that I would see you in my dream - even if just once ever. I think of you so much but it is extremely rare that you come in my dream.

But last night you granted my wish... as underserving as I am...

I don't think I saw your faces but I did hear you Babaji saying something like "aisai mein kaisai jayagee..." ... still worrying about me... I have a strong feeling of you being there Babaji and while I didn't see or hear Ammaji but I am sure she was there as you two were practically inseparable and I am sure you are always together now. I have a feeling that Mummy was there too and so Papa was probably also.

It was a strangely beautiful dream... very symbolic. I was going up the steps and I believe these steps belonged to the house in Thapar Nagar, Gali # 6 where we used to live. I saw that as I was going up there were jugnu flying about - probably from under my feet and they would transform into butterflies somehow! Oh, it was beautiful! There was something strange and mechanical like a satellite flying overhead in the sky - not sure what that was. But the steps were beautiful!

Thank you for giving me this gift! I wish I actually saw you but perhaps your souls are at peace now and perhaps this is your way of letting me know. Perhaps where you are there are beautiful skies, jugnu and butterflies fluttering about.

Perhaps this is your gift to me on upcoming Holi!
Perhaps this is your way of reassuring me that your love is still with me... that you are still with me...

At least for today I promise not to be sad and to think of only happy memories of our lives together... I had you for almost 18 years of my life and all of those were wonderful years... full of love and happiness. I just wish we were there until the end...

It was a beautiful life when we were together.
It was a beautiful dream last night...

I will just look at your photo where you have a broad smile on your faces and where Ammaji, you look content, loved and peaceful... and be grateful for you and your love.

With all my love
Aapki Gudya

March 8

Poojya Babaji Ammaji and Papa Mummy -- if I could write poetry, I would have said something like this...

"
I search each emerging leaf for traces of you,
strain to hear your laughter in the quickening stream.

But only silence and stillness echo my cries.
As I sink to my knees in anguish,
a hand grasps mine. I turn to find you,
radiant in the dappled sunlight.
“Not gone,” you whisper.
“Only waiting for Spring’s return, and you.”
Joy floods my heart once more.
"

--- by Tom Kane (Medium)

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Gallery

Missing you very much today Babaji Ammaji -- Shubh Holi. Mithai kehan hai?

Happy Anniversary to Babaji Ammaji on December 1st 2023

Babaji Ammaji's wedding anniversary, 2023

Babaji must have blessed this first rose growing in our garden...
It is beautiful and so fragrant!

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Happy Wedding Anniversary..

December 1, 2023

... to my most beloved Babaji and Ammaji...
They were inseparable in life.
While Ammaji waited an excruciating 14 years, 5 months and 4 days on October 1st, 1994 before joining him again, for all the eternity, they are once again together and I hope, happy and smiling just like when we were all together.

Babaji Ammaji's legacy... supporting Homeopathy in USA

October 6, 2023

This scholarship was created to award $1000 to a student per year in hopes for continuing Babaji and Ammaji's legacy. Even if just one of these students serves the community free of charge once they become doctors, this whole effort will have been worth everything.

It is because of the sacrifices my Babaji Ammaji and Papa Mummy made, that I am able to make this tiny effort to carry on their legacy.

A rose dedicated to Babaji Ammaji's memory...

July 5, 2023

This is the first rose blooming in our garden potted in a flower pot that Mummy painted...

I remember Babaji used to love growing roses, marigold and so many other flowers. He would water them every evening and would know if someone had plucked a flower.

While so many in our family remember him as having hot temper but I never experienced it. I don't ever remember seeing him angry except one time. He used to go on his bike some distance to bring milk every day and probably Ammaji, worrying about a fall, said that perhaps we should get it from someplace closer. She may have said it enough times to make him very angry and he threw the lota down on the ground! But never before or after have I seen him even raise his voice.

He loved me more than anything... he loved his little garden... he loved his life with Ammaji and four of us. Who would have imagined that we would be so far apart when the end came and that he would suffer so? Why would God cause such pain to two people who did so much for so many and never harmed anyone and lived such a simple life?

This rose is dedicated to their memory...

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