I miss her. It doesn't matter how many years go bye, my heart is forever broken in 3; Dori/Vant/Sym; its frightening at times the weight. I never imagined how a little question could bring such joy, sadness,  hope and madness. Never could I have imagined such love; never.

I often find myself visiting this page. And just reminiscing on our past. And all our crazy adventures. Oh, how i miss you so much. Today i went down to the park and just sat there thinking of all the things we used to do every day after school. Although it was raining I released some balloons for you. 

Happy Birthday Dori

Its difficult to stay off this page, although I choose not to write as much anymore, I visit often. I miss our talks and that laugh, missing my Dori.

Happy 23rd birthday to my Dorian. The day started off rough but moment by moment we got better. I truly have a loving family on all sides, I am truly blessed.

I love you all so much.

The first person I ever fell in love with was my mother.  She was my hero, my everything.  I couldn't understand anyone wanting to mistreat or harm her.  If anyone would say bad things about her, I'd be ready to fight!  I wonder if Dori felt that way about me!????! I wanted to be that for her, I'll never know. ...I know useless, random thoughts. 

 01/09/2010 Saturday 9:30 pm, 6 years. I miss my Dori.

I often wonder what people have done in their past to be selected to loose a child or children.  It messes with me often,  sometimes to the point that I can't function.  Why, why were we selected,  what did we do so horrible or great that we're chosen to bare this  burden for as long as we live, function,  breath and are coherent of our surroundings.  It's quite mind altering.  It's somewhat sad and yet we will never know why we are chosen.  We're not stronger or wiser.Eyes are opened but disbelief  and despair sets in; then if you're lucky you get to hope.  Five an a half years, I just want to huge and  kiss her, nothing big or dramatic. Dorian would've been 22 this year, I can only imagine her drama. Still see her huge smile, abrupt kiss on my cheek and rushed hug; I  know she knew I love and adore her; my first. 

Dori and Vante’s grandfather passed away yesterday (10/09/2014). This felt like I’d been punched in the gut yet again. I love this man, he was the first genuine man that I’d had in my life that encouraged me to believe in me/my strengths, to push myself beyond the pain and focus at a young age.

I met Mr. Pickett when I was 17, which was 24 years ago; he became my track coach in my senior year. I’d only signed up for track because I wanted to be closer to his son, lol a bit jealous because his son would be around a lot of girls, all the time and they traveled!! So anyway, Mr. Pickett saw the potential the first day; he pulled me aside and said you are going to run hurdles. I told him I was too short, only 4”11, there was no way I would get over those things. Lol, he said it’s a mind set and if you let me coach you and let all of your fears go, you’ll be good. This was my senior year so I really didn’t care about being good; again I just wanted to hang out with his son.  I always knew I had speed, just never put it to the test in a controlled setting.  Anyway we started conditioning which was rough, I really felt like quitting everyday but as time grew I started to feel confidence, my strength growing, I wasn’t out of breath anymore and I was even running a lot faster than usual.

By the time I was ready to compete my time had improved tremendously (indoor track at first) and then I could see/feel his excitement for me.  This was no longer about his son and the girls or what I couldn’t do; it became more about me, what I could accomplish if I just believed in myself, let the fear go and keep pressing.  I am not going to sell you on me becoming this championship runner at the end of my track season that simply didn’t happen. But I did with his help make it to State (which is a big deal) and I ran in a couple of heats and on the relay team; he asked me at the end of it all “I bet you didn’t even think about making it this far, did you?”, I said NO, he said “I knew you could do this if you just concentrated on you, your strengths and let that other MESS go”. That statement meant more to me than he would ever know!  I carry it with me today, when Dori left, in my different careers; this statement has been in the background of it all for me.

I never had a family member come to my track events, for whatever reason they were unable to make it, but I always looked over for Mr. Pickett because he was my biggest cheerleader and no matter what place I came in after my event, he was so proud.

Since day one he accepted me into his heart/family and I’ve loved him for it every since; although his son and I have been separated for many, many years;  he told me he had nothing to do with that MESS and I was still his daughter!!

 He’d invited Vante’ and I over about a month or so ago to discuss his Will, I was stunned and shocked because I didn’t want to hear that he was giving up. He told me that this was business and just in case anything was to happen I needed to know what was going on, not that he was giving up because he’d planned on writing a book about this experience once he’d felt better; he said I just needed to know what was going on as I was and still am a part of his family. ..

I know this was so long, but I needed to vent…Finally, I believe he is with my Dori and I believe she is happy to see her “Pa Pa” as she’d called him!!! Until we meet again Mr. Pickett, father,coach,mentor

Wow, Dori would've been 21, seems like yesterday she was this vibrante toddler running around the stores and me running behind her, lol always running!!

We went to the Apple Orchard yesterday, released 21 balloons for her age, ate some of Dori’s favorite desserts and laughed, really laughed.
She would've been very proud of her Dad (Aaron); he really did a great job in pulling it all off.
Then we have today, I'm not going to say its like it was yesterday and I didn't come on here to say how sad I am, just wanted to acknowledge her birthday. I miss her, wish I could've celebrated this milestone with her.

Happy birthday Dori...

You are so missed! Happy 21st Dori!!

.

June 11th was DeVante’s Graduation Day, Yeah!!! Dori would’ve been so proud and loud at the ceremony, lol, I know this because she is MY child!! DeVante’ and his girlfriend danced at graduation as well, so beautiful, in my head/heart I saw Dori’s HUGE SMILE of approval.

……she was so missed.

Words can’t even explain how I felt and feel with Dori not being here for this event or even to see her do all the ceremonial things that lead up to graduation. That is something I had struggled with up until 2012, the year she was suppose to do all of it i.e. prom, senior /parent dinner and graduation/college. I thought for a long time that I was being punished for something I’d done wrong but I know now that it was just my grief echoing and it was just not meant to happen for her.  This sound so harsh when I came to grips with it and as I am writing it; but it is the truth, God just didn’t allow it. However, he did allow me the time we’d shared and our many, many special mother/daughter moments and I am so thankful and grateful for those times. He’s allowed me to SEE/FEEL AND BE PRESENT for my middle child’s entire experiences thus far and I am also thankful for that.

I talk about Dori to her baby sister often, well about as much as you can tell a 2 ½ year old to make them understand a person with whom they don’t see physically every day.  I just want her to know who Dori is and put a character to the pictures she sees around the house. Anyway, the other day the two of us were watching one of her favorite cartoons, she turned and asked out of the blue “Where is Dori?” it took me by surprise; I stumbled a little and then said, “She’s with God- in heaven”, I didn’t know what else to say as I hadn’t thought about how to explain that to her yet.  My heart dropped, but I kept my smile, instantly I thought of Dori and that this would be something she would’ve asked at this age; Dori was very inquisitive and random. Sym’s interest didn’t last long like on queue she started humming as she does a lot and kept on watching the television.  

While I try not to compare the two girls as they both have their own individual personalities, it often amazes me at times how big and bold their character’s standout indiscriminately! DeVante’ often tell me that I somehow managed to raise the girls differently than I’ve raised him. He said they have more of my adult personality and he is the only calm one, lol I don’t see it and I’ve always been the same with all three; maybe a little slower with the baby (older mother)…

I know all of the aforementioned was very random but that’s how my mind rolls these days, unapologetic!! I miss my Dori.

Nothing special happening today, just thinking about you and felt like writing; I know writing on this website isn't the best avenue sometimes but I believe I do it because I want to be heard in some way and I don’t feel like I’m alone. It’s hard to concentrate sometimes and these social sites are so in your face, so you conform to the notices and observations of others because it’s so easy. Lol, I know you loved the attention and maybe that's why I come to this website to express a lot of my thoughts, an internet diary/journal chronicling the feelings about my beloved Dorian's passing. It’s funny because before all this happened I’d get on you about sharing so much intimate information via social media, but oh how things have changed; I truly don't care about sharing these thoughts, it want kill me!

I still can't seem to say the other words that associate with you’re leaving; I guess that makes it seem final. I did however make a step forward by owning the fact that you are not here, I can no longer tell myself to look at it like she's just off to school or moved out of state or any other garbage I've made up in my head. I took one of those girl’s days that you and I would take and after a long, long day of crying-shouting, I settled with the realization that you are not here and that it’s always just been the fact that I couldn’t believe this happened to me/to us. No matter how many times I say it and how many different ways I can relay it, I simply miss you and that in itself just hurts relentlessly. I dream of having all three children with me together, I realize that want happen in this life time so I’ve moved on from that pain as well. People say things happen for a reason, I truly haven’t found the reason for this yet and I have given up on that notion all together too.

I came across this quote, “Stand quiet and know that this is life and it is at its most beautiful and at its most elegant here, right now” by Robin Korth; I have accepted the quote into my core and try daily to remember that every moment is a blessing and that everyone I’ve ever encountered were meant to be in my life at that moment for the good or bad.

 Life was beautiful then when you were here and life is beautiful now with Vante’, Sym, Aaron and the people with whom I love so dearly and lastly with you in spirit.

Missing you*

Your face forms as pictures in my mind,

Can’t seem to get a closer look at you

As your image seems to fade with time.

I only want to hold you, kiss your cheek and rub your hair

Your voice is a fleeting thought in the wind with helpless care.

I haven’t had a dream of you in oh so long,

Wishing you were here with me is such a long, long drawn out song.

I can’t wait to see you; I have so much to share,

I am forever missing you and helplessly in despair.

I use despair in my description because my emotions are sometimes skewed

But I do have faith that we will be together someday soon.

Ma

I know its early but it doesn't matter i think about you/your birthday/graduation day/possible college life/marriage life/maybe children all the time. Words can not express how much you are missed and all the possibilities you want have now.
It seems that everyday since you've been gone I have either thought about what happened, the way it happened, what i did when it happened, what I could have done to stop it from happening or what I should be doing now. It is sometimes overwhelming and no matter how i search for the peace with it, I don't believe I will ever really find it on this earth. I was once told by someone after you left that the only feeling she thought i was feeling or could be feeling was broken; that she couldn't even begin to imagine how it truly felt. Honestly now that I think about that conversation, if I was in my right mind at the time I would have responded with I am not broken just confused, a part of me had died so I felt numb, clueless. I use to question why would I be given this gift for it to be taken away from me, why would I be given such a precious soul to take care of for them to leave me so abruptly? Well, today I read something and although these words didn't sooth the pain they made me think and here's what I can say: I am appreciative to have had you with me for 16 years rather then 16 seconds, I am happy to have walked with you every step of the way instead of you not walking at all, I am happy to have laughed and cried with you instead of never hearing your cries/voice/laughter from the start; God blessed me with you at an early age because he knew, I believe, that I was headed down a dangerous path with the choices I was making at that time in my life. So I am truly grateful for you/DeVAnte'.
I was speaking with a co-worker of mine and she was telling me how frustrated she is with her 13 year old daughter right now for talking back, I remember you at that age and thinking how I really didn't like you at that time(loved you but really didn't like your attitude). Funny how that is one of the things I miss about you now; I would give anything to argue with you right now, I know that sounds crazy but I kind of admired your spunkiness. I remember when it got so bad your step-dad had to intervene a couple of times and questioned me about why I let you have an opinion all the time. I just wanted you to have the platform to be able to express yourself but with my guidance to know how to do it in a respectful way with me or other adults. Anyway, I miss that, your cousin actually video taped one of those arguments and when I replay it now, you made some type of joke during my rants which made me stop and both of us bursted out laughing. You had a way of telling me things at certain times that either would make me think or just laugh. You were so silly/loving/caring/patient and a sweet, sweet little girl. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you and I love you.

So many memories, I truly thank God that I can recall all of them with such clarity from your birth to now. Happy Birthday baby girl....

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below, with tiny lights like heavens stars reflecting on the snow the sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ.  This year I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring, for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart, but I am not so far away we really are not apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear and be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. I sent a special gift from my heavenly home above, I sent you each a memory of my undying love, after all love is a gift more precious than pure gold; it was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my father said to do for I can't count the blessings or love he has for each of you. So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear remember I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year!!!!

This poem was written by a 13 year old boy named Ben, he went to heaven on Dec. 14, 1997 after battling a brain tumor for 4 yrs. He left this poem for his mother to open on Christmas morning, I believe he would like for each of us to read it......

I was sent this in a news letter from a group called Compassionate Friends, parents whom have lost children, at first glance it made me very sad because my Dori really loved to give at Christmas time. Last year she gave me a box shaped like an angel and it had a necklace in it with my birthstone on the angel. Every year, as far as I can remember she has bought me a present for my birthday (12/10) and her family gifts on Christmas. I loved it because I always told her that she didn't have to ever do any of that for me, but she would look at me like "Yes, I do", she had such a HUGE heart.  I am not sure how I will handle this holiday or my birthday. You see we spent my birthdays celebrating with the children putting up the tree, baking cookies, decorating the house and then sitting back admiring the lights until we all fell asleep; it was like having my own little party with them. I remember asking Dori if she would come by even when she had her children to do this with me with me making her; she smiled and said "yes, this was our tradition!" I am leaning on God's strength.

So I share this poem because it was uplifting somewhat to me and I pray that it will lift your spirits as well; God is good!!! Love you all, I miss you Dori......

I don't want to share a specific time, but rather to share what happens when I think of this child who left way too soon -- I hear her laugh in my head and it always makes me smile. Or I see her running the softball bases like a maniac, leaning off of each base and then taking off like a rocket, usually well ahead of the throw, and then looking back at her bench with a big grin. Even though I'm sure she's in a better place, I know her mom and dad and brother and grandparents will all be forever hurting and I feel so badly for them. It's my wish that everyone who reads this know that even though I didn't know her as well as so many others did, I did love her, as did my children and when her name comes up, it just brings nothing but sadness to all of us. And then I hear that devious laugh and see that dazzling smile and I feel just a little bit better. But not much... may Shugunna and the rest of Dorian's extended family be blessed forever, for all of you have truly suffered too much because of this horrible thing that just should have never happened.... but then only the truly special die young and take a place next to God and then I think that, just maybe, we all should have seen it coming....

Dori was surprised with the nomination and the win at MHS that night; her and I talked about this until 1:00 in the morning. She didn't want to take that crown off her head, she was so surprised that the kids picked her, but I wasn't!

Dori's birthday was this month, the 6th to be exact. There were many emotions but one that really stood out was how happy she made me and how much she enjoyed celebrating her birthday. It always made me feel so good to know that my children were able to share such a special day with me. I know it sounds silly saying that especially since they live with me, but something about just being able to see them on that particular day, without restrictions made me feel special...As if I had done something right with God, to deserve to help them celebrate each year.

When Dori was old enough to know about birthdays, I started a little tradition each year. On each of their special days I would wake them up an hour before the normal time for school with the other sibling singing happy birthday, along with a single candle lite on their favorite desert, balloons in which equaled their ages, a short story about the day they were born and their presents awaiting them in the kitchen. Each year I was met with grumpy faces, slow movement and a look of disgust; but eventually they expected it and I knew I couldn't stop even if I wanted to! I believe one year Dori was waiting for us to come in her room, she wasn't as grumpy or as annoyed as normal, if you knew her, she was a heavy sleeper and hated to be awaken!

Last year her and DeVante decided it was my turn to be awaken an extra hour early on my birthday to get a taste of what I had been doing to them all these years, they were so impressed with themselves. They talked about it all day, she made this comment  "how does it feel ma, to be in a good sleep and somebody all of a sudden awakes you with horrible singing"! That was so funny to me and I loved it; they really don't know how much it touched me!

Anyway, last year she told me was the best birthday of them all, she woke up to 16 pink balloons with strings floating around her room; DeVante' and I woke her up with a lit  number 16 candle sitting on top of Dun-kin Donut's  chocolate cake munchies & brownie cupcakes with us singing as loud and off tune as possible, she got a new cell phone (which cost way more then I care to discuss),and her step father sent her a lovely text (he was working mid-nights and couldn't be there). After her "fat breakfast" as we called it, I sat her down and began the "day you were born" story; which she told me she never got tired of hearing. She absolutely loved it, she told me she felt like a princess all day; she said her phone never stopped ringing with family and friends wishing her well.

That weekend she didn't want a huge party which surprised me because she had been planning her sweet 16 all year long. About a month before her birthday Dori came to me with this lovely smile and with such sincerity stating that she only wanted her immediate family around plus this young boy she liked to go out to Long Horn for a nice dinner. She said that everyone celebrates their sweet 16 with a party, she wanted to be different and maybe do it big on her 17th birthday. That was her, always wanting to be different!

I didn't get to do that this year, one of many traditions with her I will miss dearly; but I will start something new one day just for her.......For all those reading this, remember that the ones you love aren't always going to be here so we can write on face book or anyother social website how we feel about them but what matters is the actions...so show your love: hug, kiss, touch, laugh and say "I love you" until it hurts. I did and I do!!!

Happy Birthday My Dori, I love and miss you so much, I will see you again!!!

Dorian is and was more then we could put on the obituary, there was no way we could put her entire story on their; not enough room or time!

She was born on the 6th of October a really wet, cold autumn day. Although my labor pains were out of this world for 12 hours, it didn't matter because when she came out the pain quickly disappeared and I saw my ray of sun. Dorian's eyes were so beautiful till this day I believe they were my favorite next to her smile. She stared at me as to say, "Get me out of here, I have been waiting long enough"! But, that was my baby, she has always been in a rush to do just about anything and everything she could as if she knew, she only had a little time.

From day one she was spoiled by all, I remember we discovered a couple of days later that the doctor had broken her clavicle bone to deliver her; claimed I shouldn't have had her naturally. This of course was told to me after we discovered her injury! Because we didn't want her injury to get any worse, we decided to keep her on a pillow for a while so that no one would move her arm, we thought she was in enough pain. Anyway, as everyone visited I remember we passed her around on that pillow like she was a little princess and too many of us she was! We were so careful not to move that arm too much, I believe this is when our little princess got spoiled. Dorian would wake me up at least three times a night just so that I could look at her, she wasn't hungry or wet most of the time. Her and I would just stare at each other most of the night, she would smile allot but I rarely thought it was funny, I was tired! Even then she knew how to get my attention.

At six months we had to rush Dori to the hospital, she couldn't hold any food down and she was breathing funny; this is when she was diagnosed with Asthma. Of course at the time the doctors treated it like no big deal, just told me sometimes children grow out of it. They sent me home with a breathing machine and some meds. Needless to say that wasn't our case, she didn't grow out of it.

Every since that visit, Dori had been on meds just about everyday of her life. Her and I use to joke about what type of experimental drugs they would give us next, she hated taking medicine and I hated it too. Eventually, the hospital visits/stays consisted of Dori and I talking, joking and growing with each other. I believe we became more then mother/daughter, I believe we were sister/friend as well. She started to share so much with me during those times and I her, some of her information I didn't even want to hear!

Anyway, Dori never knew how terrified I was when she first started walking or running and eventually any sports because she would always have to stop to take breaths and possibly a treatment. I would pray many times that I could carry that burden, when I would see her little face gasping for air or her chest sinking in and out struggling, I'd wish that  it was me. She would look at me for help and all I could ever do is try to keep her calm, she never knew that I was terrified inside. She deserved more. But Dori was and has always been a fighter, even when the doctors would tell her to take it easy; she did what she loved always and what she wanted. The doctor told us that swimming was good for the lungs when she was around two, so I quickly got her then stepfather to teach her how to swim but to be honest with you she was a natural. She took to water like a fish and whenever she got the opportunity she was swimming.

Dori loved the water so much, I remember one time we went on our second trip to Disney World in Florida and we were suppose to go to one of the amusement parks. Dori was so upset that she had to get out of the pool that she convinced her brother to sway me into staying at the hotel for the next two days just for swimming. Now for those who don't know, DeVante is allergic to the chlorine; he isn't suppose to be in the water for a very long time (he starts to break out). Dori of course was aware of this also! He had broke out so bad because he wanted to hang out with Dori in the pool. Back then he would do just about whatever Dori wanted.  When we did finally go to one of the parks, she was miserable and the little princess pouted the entire time we were there until we got back to the pool at the hotel. Now we are at Disney, she begged to go and now that we are there she doesn't want to do anything but swim. She told me that this was her vacation too, not just mine, I believe she was 9 at the time.

Lol, she was a mess but she has always known what she liked and no one could change her mind, not even me.