Here it is 3:53am and I cant sleep. You were my best friend. You loved me so much. It's not fair that you are gone. When you found Jon and I it indelibly changed our lives forever. I used to imagine who you were and what you were like. You then found us 16 years ago. We went through everything that I missed as a child growing up. You treated me like a king. You always talked about Jon and how much you loved all of your children. Jonny was your pride and joy. You talked on the telephone with Julie and I on a daily basis. I can not pick up the phone anymore and dial "Mom's Work" or "Mom's Cell" or "Mom at Home". I have emails, text messages and even video footage of you at my Masters graduation.
I know that you felt bad that you had Jon and I adopted. It's ok Mom, I am at peace with it, you be too. I think of the hundreds of times we went here and there and everywhere; you always wanted to get out and do something. Loved goinig to Disneyland with you, Universal Studios, we did many things.
You found me in Portland and you sort of re-raised me. Every stage to an extent from being a baby to age 10 and that was the love you gave to me. I did not know how to do life and you showed me. I lived with you for probably a total of 7 years out of the 16 years we had together. In those 7 years of living together we went through the whole spectrum of mother and son contact and conflict. I went through many stages and you guided me through them. You were my inspiration to get through school. We had a lot of fun and funny times. We always made Friday night the time when we would watch a movie and have our red wine. We would talk for hours. Remember the time i planted a huge garden in your front yard? Pretty funny. You and I raised two dogs together,you really loved Tolstoy and Tablici. The day that you died Julie called me and told me and I had just talked with you on the telephone a few hours before and you sounded happy and optimistic. There are people you meet in life who are average but you were exceptional. You never gave up on your children. I believe you thought of each of us everyday. I am angry that you are not here anymore. You had your down time and you loved to watch "Two and a half Men".
I wonder why you had to leave now, at this point. None of it makes sense to me. I lay in bed and think of you and wonder why. You are at peace now and you don't have to live in this messed up world. Be at peace my dear Mother. In the days, months, and years to come it is going to be a great challenge for me to live my life without you. A piece of you lives within each of my siblings and I will be able to interract and turn to them not only in bad times but in the good as well. Conversely, I want to be there for them. Mom, Julie and Jon have been wonderful to me, thank you for that gift. I will talk with you soon Mother Spirit.