ForeverMissed
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Thinking of You Stella!

November 4, 2012

To live in the hearts of those we love is never to die. (Thomas Campbell) 

This evening, I am simply passing through to tell you I am thinking of you. My hope is that you are protecting your family from wherever you are dear Stella. You would be proud of Marty because he is being as strong as he can be under such difficult and sad circumstances. Your abrupt departure left all of us flabbergasted, but it also encouraged James to communicate with his siblings more regularly than in the past. Enclosed is a modest picture of the Eiffel Tower to bring France to you because you had expressed the desire to visit my beautiful country one day. Have a good night Stella. 
Very lovingly,
Anne    

 

Making Sense of it all... somehow

September 30, 2012

I can not make any sense of your passing. Mom, I have noticed that you have been making your presence known to me alot. You were such a good person. You were loving and generous. You never asked any questions when it came to helping someone or helping me. I cannot accept any of this.  I just want to scream!! I am a shattered glass. I will be destroyed by your passing for the rest of my pathetic life. You were my mama.  We meant everyting to eachother.

One moment we are talking on the phone and the next moment you are dead. I cant accept it!  Nothing means anything to me anymore. Life has lost all meaning to me. When you died everyone was united and promisess were made to be a family and become close to each other, but it seems that everyone has gone back into their own corners again. I hate living in this life. My beautiful sweet mama is now gone and I cannot see being happy ever again. I hate god. I hate my life.

I should never have moved from living with you in Brea and moving to Portland. I have been in Portland for 5 years.  Those 5 years could have been spent together. TIme lost. I am grateful for all the train trips you provided for me to come down and see you.  I treasure those moments. I am 47 you were only 72. We could have spent many more years together. It is maddening and sickening to me that this has happened. Thank you for making direct contact with me this last week. I know it was you. We did so many things together over the last 16 years and spent so much time together that we became a part of eachother. You were my blood, my real mother who I had not known up until you found Jon and I in 1995.  From that moment when you and Jon met me at the airport we connected right off the bat.  I will remember all the cooking we did together. We loved making lamb and potatoes. You made such good lamb. I have never been this angry in my whole life.  I am crying right now. You were such a sweet heart.

I dont look forward to life anymore. Life without you is going to be hell. I am gonig to have to make it on my own I have a feeling, without you. You are a huge part of my my mind body and soul.  All that you taught me about life I can reach within myself and hear your advice for different situations that I will find myself in.  You will be my Spirit Guide.

The picture of you that I have placed with my words is the very last picture I ever took of you (I believe it is the very last picture taken of you by anyone). This picture was 9 weeks ago.  You were waiting for the train to pick me up.  I need some serious help. I am in very bad shape right now. This is having a tremendous impact upon me.  You were always so supportive of me.   You are a dear dear person. I will decide in the next few weeks what I am going to do with my life. With you gone there is no meaning to life now. Nothing matters.  I am gonig to make some drastic changes. I love you sweet heart.

I can not go on without you..your son Marty

September 28, 2012

I am so distraught tonight that you are gone.  I cant pick up the phone and hear you fixing your hair for work the next day. Your loss is profound for me. You and I were very close. I am thinking of you alot tonight.  You taught me that it is not material things that matter in this world but it is family and love for each other that truly was significant.  You used to say that you and I were our own little family.

It is my prediction that I will never be the same and never recover from this.  A huge piece of me has been cut out of me.  I try to lay down on my bed and go to sleep in order to not cry when I think of you. Your spirit is too strong. People tell me that it gets better or that this too shall pass but i dont believe that you were too special and different. I have almost 3 years of sobriety from AA and you were so proud of that. The desire to drink does not even raise its ugly head now.  I have no desire to do anything like that.  But what I do know, is I am going to need to reshape my perceptions with life without you or I will not make it. In a way I dont feel like living in the cruel, terrible world.

When I heard that you had died life for me was over. It will continue to be over.  Yes, I may be able to be in survival mode but I cant go on without you. You were a huge percentage of my life.  We were best friends. I dont expect to live all that long anyway because of my heart problems so then we can be together again.

I love you my precious dear mother. Ill talk with you soon.

Marty

From Marty, your Son

September 28, 2012

Mom i just remember you and I liked to go to the soup plantation all the time and sit out in the sun and talk.  I miss alot of things about you. You always found a way. You always told me how much you loved all of your children I will miss making out coffee in the mornings and watching the movie "Mother" together, it was our favorite movie. I am having a very difficult time with your death. I am having a hard time accepting it.  I wish I could have had many more years with you. I cannot deal with the loss of you my dear mother. I fully expect my life to be empty and unfulfilling for the rest of my life because of your passing.

You loved me with a love I have never known.  You always let me come back and live with you when another marriage of mine would break up. We saw alot together.  I would like to come and be with you. I love you.

Julie's 50th Birthday Present from Mom

September 18, 2012
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Mom and her friend created this video as a gift for my 50th birthday. I just came across the CD while sorting out her belongings this morning… I didn’t know what the CD contained until I played it on my laptop just now. Mom certainly put a lot of effort into making the CD and it really made me smile when I played it. I want to thank you Mom for allowing me to find the CD this morning... I was really having a bad morning and watching the video and hearing the music really did help. 

 

Why Did You Have To Go?

September 17, 2012

Here it is 3:53am and I cant sleep. You were my best friend. You loved me so much. It's not fair that you are gone. When you found Jon and I it indelibly changed our lives forever.  I used to imagine who you were and what you were like.  You then found us 16 years ago. We went through everything that I missed as a child growing up. You treated me like a king.  You  always talked about Jon and how much you loved all of your children. Jonny was your pride and joy. You talked on the telephone with Julie and I on a daily basis. I can not pick up the phone anymore and dial "Mom's Work" or "Mom's Cell" or "Mom at Home".  I have emails, text messages and even video footage of you at my Masters graduation.

I know that you felt bad that you  had Jon and I adopted. It's ok Mom, I am at peace with it, you be too. I think of the hundreds of times we went here and there and everywhere; you always wanted to get out and do something. Loved goinig to Disneyland with you, Universal Studios, we did many things.

You found me in Portland and you sort of re-raised me. Every stage to an extent from being a baby to age 10 and that was the love you gave to me. I did not know how to do life and you showed me. I lived with you for probably a total of 7 years out of the 16 years we had together. In those  7 years of living together we went through the whole spectrum of mother and son contact and conflict. I went through many stages and you guided me through them.  You were my inspiration to get through school. We had a lot of fun and funny times.  We always made Friday night the time when we would watch a movie and have our red wine. We would talk for hours. Remember the time i planted a huge garden in your front yard? Pretty funny. You and I raised two dogs together,you really loved Tolstoy and Tablici. The day that you died Julie called me and told me and I had just talked with you on the telephone a few hours before and you sounded happy and optimistic. There are people you meet in life who are average but you were exceptional. You never gave up on your children. I believe you thought of each of us everyday.  I am angry that you are not here anymore. You had your down time and you loved to watch "Two and a half Men".

I wonder why you had to leave now, at this point. None of it makes sense to me. I lay in bed and think of you and wonder why.  You are at peace now and you don't have to live in this messed up world. Be at peace my dear Mother. In the days, months, and years to come it is going to be a great challenge for me to live my life without you. A piece of you lives within each of my siblings and I will be able to interract and turn to them not only in bad times but in the good as well. Conversely, I want to be there for them.  Mom, Julie and Jon have been wonderful to me, thank you for that gift.  I will talk with you soon Mother Spirit.

We will make contact with you my dear Mother

September 16, 2012

Mom, you and I loved to talk about the great beyond... We are going to contact you on a regular basis.  I feel you here with me now. You loved us so much. We are going to our best to contact you. Even in death we can receive your love, guidance, and inspiration. I promise you Mother that I will be a good brother to Jon and a good brother to Julie. They are both amazing people. We have plans that we have talked about in regard to the many ways in which we will make contact with you.  I look forward to making contact with you. I love you so much mother. 

Looking at you in the coffin was difficult, I could not hold back weeping. I leaned over and held you. Julie was so supportive and put her arm around me as I had my final glimpses of you before the casket was shut. I am still in shock. We had similar beliefs in the afterlife so I am confident that you are enjoyig whatever you are doing.  Maybe you are painting or perhaps you are talking to others and making them happy.  I invite you to come to us when we call upon you. I ask you to watch over us all and keep us safe. Please be our guide.  I will call upon you often and I used to call upon your mother Leotta. I love you so much. I will miss our great conversations and your great cooking. Kisses to you mother.

Tribute to my Brother Jon and Sister Julie

September 16, 2012

My brother Jon and sisiter Julie have been so strong through all of this.  I could not have made it without them.  Julie is a great organizer and she looks just like mom. Julie has made me feel safe in such a precarious situation.  Thank you Julie.

Jon, you have made me feel secure again.  I have my brother back again. We can actually have conversations. I really believe the spirit of mom has brought her children together.  She used to tell me "Marty, all I want to see is my children back together again and in the same room together getting along."

I must say that the few days down from Oregon for the funeral of our mother was very healing in many ways. I will never get over the loss of my dear Mother. It will stay with me forever. she was a huge part of my life. she did alot for me. I think it really hit me when we the pallbearers were pushing her casket into the hearse. I weep as I type these words. I had seen my mother 12 weeks ago I came down to visit her.  We went to Long Beach and walked on the Beach.  I put my arm around my mother and told her that I loved her. We ate at her favorite restaurant. We had a wonderful time together. The best ever.

Mom Is That You?

September 16, 2012

Hi Mom… I woke up this morning feeling really sad about your sudden passing. I still cannot believe this happened. I am so sorry. I hope and pray that wherever you are, you are ok. I keep this website open throughout the day as a way to talk to you and because it makes me feel closer to you. Mom, please try to contact me somehow… yes, the thought of a chair moving or a framed photo suddenly dropping to the floor does scare me, but that does not mean that I don’t want it to happen. I do see subtle signs such as this one squirrel that hangs-out near your patio… did you like squirrels I wonder? Well, thanks for listening… I hope you’re listening. I like to think that you are… I love and miss you very much.

Postscript} I read somewhere that the deceased will have difficulty contacting a loved-one that is taking mood-altering medication. Since I take prescribed meds for sleeping and back-pain, I surmised that you are having difficulty contacting me. That said, I was talking with Randy by phone while I was writing the above message to you… I was asking for a sign and thinking very hard about it… at that very moment, Randy had a major problem with his computer and I had to go online to find out how to fix his problem… was that you? Randy seems to think it was… You and I believed in EVP, contact through energy and electronics, so maybe you’re trying to contact me through Randy. I sure hope this is true. I do believe that you were responsible for Randy winning the money for your autopsy and the money he won last night to pay your mortgage. As I’ve said to you many times, I do not believe in coincidences… so thank you Mom, for everything… I will continue to keep an eye-out for more signs of your presence. The situation that just happened with Randy’s computer did make me feel better. 

Mom you had a great sense of humor

September 8, 2012

We did alot of laughing together. You always wanted the best for me. You did everything you could for.  You found Jon and I 16 year ago. You have always been my best friend.  I mourn your loss greatly. I didnt see it coming. You were a beautiful, loving and caring person. I know you are still here with us in Spirit. I love you mom.   James Marty Prichard, Son

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