I want to thank you all for being here today as a witness to this gift we call life. Thanks for your support and witness for the last 2 weeks, our last nearly 10 years together, HIS far too short 35 years and a few years more for me. I stand here broken hearted over the loss of the most incredible, caring, sexy man I’ve ever known. My husband. My Edgard. Daddy Ed to the pups. Babe, and his favorite: Sexy! (Siri called him sexy).
I find myself frequently puzzled about life and death, my faith tested, the natural order of things shaken. We had a great fairly relaxed weekend. I had to work some. Sexy wasn’t feeling 100%. A little off Saturday and slightly worse Sunday. He had his clothes out and lunch packed for work like usual. He loved his new job. He made a great dinner as usual, Edgar is a great cook. I had to do 5 more rides for Uber bonus. I gave him a kiss goodbye and said I love ya Babe and at 10:30 I took off for what would probably be 1-1.5 hours to make bonus. Edgar assured me he’d be asleep which I knew already. I didn’t know that was the last time our 2 paper airplanes would be flying together but as I repeatedly said “always I love you and a kiss; cause ya never know”.
I will finish the story in a bit because I know the man we are here to celebrate and honor today would want us to learn from his passing.
When Edgar and I first met on that gay Christian Mingle site his screen name was “Edgar Smiles”. That was the first thing you noticed about him and it warmed your soul - his incredible, beautiful, caring smile. He was a stickler for his appearance and in particular his… assets but as I always told him “Babe it’s not how you look that draws people to you it’s your big incredible heart. As you can see he was extremely photogenic. In fact I often told him, “Babe, you should become an FBI agent. I got away with NOTHING. We have enough ring security gadgets and sensors we put the CIA to shame. And his phone, I called simply - the VAULT. In fact, Edgar, you’ll be happy to know your partners at Apple have still not unlocked the vault for me. If you knew him, he was meticulously organized so all the best pictures are on the phone, all the bill pay, the location of our million dollars. It’s all right here. But don’t worry Sexy, to my earlier point we had no issue getting great pics of you.
He cared deeply about others which is why he excelled so much in his work with HIV, Cancer and helping frustrated people with medical issues. He literally saved dozens of lives in his work and some of you are here today. He was so quick to learn and pick things up and once he Knew it was DONE.
He was obsessed with Taylor Swift. I apologize in advance, if you hang out with this crew today, the only NON Tay song you will hear was Amazing Grace. When I spoke to the funeral home they asked his age - I said 33. DOB? 5/26/87. She shot back ‘honey he was 35 not 33. He got me confused about his birth year when Swifts 1989 came out. I wondered why it seemed our age difference seemed to be off. Well now Babe you got your wish: you will always be - forever young!
Edgar loved too cook. He had a black thumb so couldn't grow the food but he could cook it. I’ve been starving and living off fast food since you left babe. Edgar, I have also discovered something amazing - I am a disorganized mess. I may have an excuse but I keep walking around the house thinking why is everything out of place I am only one person? So either Jonah and Taylor are trying to drive me in sane or you must have been picking up after me like crazy. He loved to dance and I always encouraged him to do anything creative. This is when he was most alive. Sewing or working on a craft in his sewing room.
Daddy Ed, loved his Wheaton Terriers or as we call them WW’s or Wild Wheaties, Taylor (of course) or the Joy, and Jonah the Love. Babe, I’m doing my best to give them all they need including a treat each time I bring them inside. They will never be as happy with me as they were with us together. I’m gonna do my best. The bottom line: your eyes were like coming home and it’s not the same. To borrow from our wedding tag line - Everything has REALLY changed.
He wasn’t a regular journal writer but I did find some writings. They were a little hard to follow as his penmenship was less precise and often I would start reading an entry and part way in think to myself “this sounds almost lyrical”. Of course, they were Swift song lyrics in the middle of his thoughts. He always said she told his life story. New Years Day was our song. I’ll miss squeezing your hand 3 times in the car. And It’s absolutely gonna be a long painful road. I will hold on to our amazing memories and hope they hold on to me.
To his family - OUR family:
Momma - he loved you to his soul and wanted to take all the pain you have endured in your life and take it as his own. He wanted his mom to be happy and experience joy. That “taking” of peoples pain as his own, that empathy comes from you.
Dad - he was so proud to be your son. He had your work ethic and wanted you to be proud of him. The acceptance you showed him as a gay man meant the world to him. I never really got that from my dad many of us don’t. That gift: a fathers unconditional love and acceptance means his big heart is only matched by yours.
He admired his father and honored his mother.
Richard - I know you boys had your tough moments. He was so happy these last few months of the new friendship and brotherhood you had formed. It gave him peace and healed him.
Carlos - your were his best friend. You said to me the other day “I’m sad he will never be there as an example for my kids.” I could hear him saying in my ear tell him to take care of himself, stay away from the drink, and I will be by his side and their side in a more powerful way than he can know.
In his journal, he talked about being the hero child. The sibling who the family comes too in times of need or for counsel. I was/am also the hero child in my family - YOU are my family. I want to honor him be being there for you - I will be your hero whenever you call on me.
Besides today, the 13th, being T Swifts lucky number its also 24 years to the day of my mothers funeral. We always talked about my mom sending him to save me. Now I know they are together sharing stories and guiding us until God calls us to his side.
So back to 2 weeks ago. Some lessons for those who have loved and lost:
- Our lives got smaller when we moved from Weho - best thing we ever did. It got smaller during Covid. Do yourselves a favor and reach out to those who once were close and now distant. I have learned this week with true friends it’s like no time has passed at all. Edgar was a warm social guy and it was rough on him.
- Set up a legacy contact with Apple.
- When you see someone with an amazing warm smile - think of him and let the memories hold on to you.
- When it’s time to say goodbye, say, “ I love you” and get a kiss. You REALLY never know.
Babe, I’d trade places with you right now. I’ve been ready for over 30 years. I hope you can give me the secret to this puzzle of life and death. It makes zero sense to me. God takes great people from my life, with Edgar, one with his whole life to live. Then God leave a wretch like me behind in a world less joyous because of their absence.
I can hear it in the silence. I can feel it on the way home. I can see it with the lights out. It’s true everlasting love, Edgar, Babe, Daddy Ed, my Sexy husband!
Eternal Love,
Kev
