January 8, 2020
January 8, 2020
One day closer to see my beloved mother again...one year later to have lost her. Dying faithful did not make it any easier. I talked to a 'former hospice' nurse who worked in that area where you passed. The tears flowed once again talking about the events that led up to my mom's death. She feels that I returned a 'gift' comparable to the one my mother gave me in educating me to be a 'godly' person...I simply told my mother it was 'ok' to leave, ok to sleep, she had worn her body as thin as it could be worn and that people hold on to life unless a person is 'given permission' to die. It's like they can 'exhaust' themselves of that 'will to live' and just relax and pass. Sounds reasonable because my mother was always my support and she wanted me to go on living without her. I will forever mourn such a wonderful person and mom. It's much better now although I still yearn for the family I 'should' be having but I've grown to 'manage' without them. Not at all happy that they do not 'yearn' to be with me in Jehovah's ample hands to handle any 'strife' they may feel keeps them from serving him. However, Jehovah says to pray for 'courage'...I have none so rely heavily on HIM...HE also says to pray for 'trust'...I do that, even though when my losses are great I trust that one day they will no longer be losses. My family will then be 'world wide' and I will never lose another single one. I 'do' trust Jehovah and my actions have shown it. Hard? You bet it's hard. You don't keep a baby at your breast three years and say it's easy to lose him to the 'world'. You don't have a dedicated son who doesn't give it the 'all' it takes to care whole heartedly for the mom that suckled him as well. You especially don't have a daughter that commits to loving you as much as she did the mom that trained me to be a good mother and have her fall out of 'grace' for same. The devil and his demon hoard have been on my heels. I'm no less a sinner than all humans but I gave my guts and am proud of the love that I extended to the crew I call 'family'...but guts, nor glory can hold on to a person's heart that has no 'desire'. I can't 'drag' them to see you once more. It's up to each to 'have and to hold'...I tried, I failed, I won but I've especially lost. Lost great! I now have NO family. Brother's n sister's, Jehovah's people...but it's just not the same. Mother has lost her cupboard. So wait, wait, wait...I'll surely wait, till I'll see my mother walk through that 'earthly gate'...I don't believe in talking 'to' the dead but oh how much comfort I get in writing in the 3rd person to officiate the loss I feel of my dear mother...Libby, libby, libby, on the label, label, label...I can't wait to see you sit again at my table, table, table. Wait to you meet your counterpart...don't think she's as quiet as you but she is sure loved by as many people as loved you. And she can't wait to meet you...great grandma Libby...No more Mammaw, no more Gigi...just great grandma Leeby...till we can all be family again. Hope Dad is there as well.