ForeverMissed
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His Life

Us

May 6, 2012

There are so many things I wanted to do with you.  I wanted to hold you, comfort you, teach you how to be a gentleman, go to your softball games, programs, have you baptized.  Teach you about God.  Mommy, Daddy and our little Ewan.  You have the best Daddy in the world.  He loved you so much.  I loved you so much.  I would give everything in my life to be able to hold you in my arms, my sweet angel.  I love you

Grieving

May 6, 2012

They give me some pills to help everything along.  There was so much going on that I did not understand.  I do not want a D & C.  I want it to be natural, But they keep coming up with different theories.  And so at one point, before the scheduled surgery, in the middle of the night, I wake up with 5 doctors standing over my bed. I felt like it was a dream...but they all studied the x-rays, and decided surgery was not necessary.  The next few weeks were a big fog bank to me.  I was in and out of the hospital.  I was in so much pain, both physically and mentally.  I could not look at a pregnant woman, or baby clothes.  They all had what I wanted.  I don't feel like doing anything, but sleep.  Then, maybe it could just be a dream.....but it wasn't....you were gone.
 

The Hospital

April 29, 2012

It seems like I am there forever...I am so hungry, but they won't let me eat.  Your Dad comes, and after the Dr. examines me, she says I can eat.  Yay!  Then they send me over to the Maternity ER......I arrive, and they do a sonogram.  The nurse looks concerned, leaves to get the Dr.  The Doctor takes one look at the sonogram, and in the most uncaring way possible says, "Your baby is dead.  There is no heartbeat."  I come unglued.  I am screaming at them to find the heartbeat, they are just not looking the right way.  I am confused...where is the heartbeat.  My baby is alive.  Ewan's heartbeat was strong a few days ago...I scream, cry, cuss, I know he is alive.  He has to be.  The Dr. keeps saying he is not alive.  I feel lost.  I feel like my life is gone.  Once again, God has taken my child away.  I am in shock!

Shopping

April 29, 2012

I had very little food in the house, so decided to go to Whole Foods for some shopping.  Your Daddy spent the day with a girl client, and went to the anique store where there was a beautiful bassinet.  When we saw it 10 months earlier, your Dad said that if we got pregnant, he would buy it for you.  Well, I guess it was gone, when your Dad went shopping with another woman for your crib without me.  That was very hurtful to me.  Your Dad just craves the attention of any woman, while I am a one man for me kind of girl, so I was really ticked off when he told me what he did that day.  

So I am grocery shopping, I get a taco, and that is the last thing I remember.  I open my eyes, and I am laying on top of a whole display of flax seed boxes.  I am so dizzy and out of it.  The manager helps me up and asks if I need an ambulance.  I say yes, and they are there fairly quickly. 

More tests

April 29, 2012

I am getting bigger and bigger.  None of my clothes fit.  I take a ponytail holder and leave my pants unzipped, but use the ponytail holder to keep my pants from falling down.  I can't even see my feet, and friends are starting to tell me that I look so much more healthy, and my skin is glowing.  My breasts are getting so big.  

We go to a specialist because I am 42.  I like her.  They do a sonogram and your heartbeat is 131 BPM, and you look good.  She tells me she would probably put me on bedrest, but she holds out and says just take it easy.   

It continues

April 29, 2012

The bleeding continues.  We have our first appt. with our OB.  We talk, I tell her about the bleeding.  She is a little concerned, so they do a sonogram.  At first they could not get it to work, but eventually, they did, and your heartbeat was good, and your size was good.  But for that ten minutes they could not find your heartbeat, your Daddy and I were so worried.  But the minute we saw it, my heart jumped for joy.  You were there.  You were ours.  We loved you.

Problem

April 29, 2012

Not too long after that, I started bleeding.  I went to the Hospital, and we saw your heartbeat.  The first time I saw you on the sonogram, Taylor Swift's song "Ours" was playing....."the stakes are high, the water's rough, but this love is Ours".  I saw you....I was so happy.  You looked just like a seahorse.  The doctor told me that even though I was bleeding, that it was okay, because they saw your heartbeat.  I saw it too.  I was so happy.

The early stages of your life

April 29, 2012

When I got pregnant with you, I weighed about 78 lbs.  But a few weeks before getting pregnant, I started to eat like crazy.  I did not wonder why.  I also started re-arranging my apartment.  That should have been my first clue.  I was totally nesting.  But, I also started eating all the time.  I could not get enough food in my body.  And everyday, I was getting bigger and bigger, eventually gaining 15 lbs. in 2 months.  My mood totally evened out.  I did not get stressed out, did not fight, took it easy.  Anything that used to bother me, rolled right off my back.  I was so easygoing and happy.  You were with me all the time, and we had to be mellow and carefree and happy.  

Just a thought

April 29, 2012

I had to go to another County Courthouse to file something, and on the way there, I had a thought that I was really late, so on a whim, I stopped and bought a few tests at the drugstore.  I filed my papers in Court, and as I was leaving the clerk's office, thought I would take the test real fast, because I knew it was just going to be a negative....yet, there it was...not one line, but two.  I was in shock.  I raced back to the office and got on the computer, and typed up a fake pleading, asking the court to take judicial notice of the fact that I took a pregnancy test, and it came out positive.  Your Daddy was very confused.....He asked "What is this"?  I said "We are pregnant".  He hugged and kissed me. And then it was back to work.  I could not concentrate, neither could he.  We were so happy!  You were there, and that made me so happy.  

Love is hard

April 29, 2012

Your Dad and I had a really hard January, it seemed we just fought all the time.  Other people kept getting in the way of us being together.  I felt as if I was being pushed away from your Dad, by the few people that knew we were together.  Luckily for us, the more fighting there is, the more chances to make up.

Just need to write

April 23, 2012

My sweet little angel, I miss you so much right now.  Please know that Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.  This whole weekend, I did not get out of bed, hardly at all.  I don't want to go out and see pregnant women, or little babies.  I am grieving you, but it is so hard.  All I want to do is wake up from this nightmare, and see your beating heart again.  I want to be with you so badly.  i need to hold you, smell your hair....try to tame the cowlick in your hair just like Daddie's.  I just can't believe you are gone.  You were my best friend.  I would talk to you about my day, tell you how loved you are.  I am so depressed that you are not here with me.  How do I go on?  Please God, tell me what to do, because I am at a loss.  Pain, disbelief, sadness, depression, I am overcome with grief, and would give my life for yours, my little gummy bear....I love you so much.
Mommy 

Christmas Eve

April 16, 2012

I actually got Court ordered supervised visitation with my 3 girls.  Unfortunatally, my Dr. just started me on meds that I had sucessfully taken beore with no side effects.  The side effects started immediately.  It felt so awful, because I got to see my girls.

Chrismastime

April 16, 2012

This was a tough one, there was so much pressure, knowing we were not going to be having you, pulled us apart.  We both were so scared, but, then I got used to the idea.  Daddy had a hard time, and it was very emotional.

Maybe baby?

April 13, 2012

There was a time in the fall of 2011, when all of a sudden, everything about my body changed.  I was eating everything in sight, i was bloated. my emotions had calmed down.  So I took two pregnancy tests, which were negative, but there was another bonus test that could tell me the quality of my eggs.  I took that test, and it showed that I had good fertile eggs.  I was so happy!

Practice makes Perfect

April 13, 2012

I was 42, not a spring chicken, and I did not know if I could get pregnant, but that was not going to stop us from making you.

But my cycle was so all over the place, and we were not in a position to sleep together and try, so we tried..... 

Sheepishly Being Asked

April 13, 2012

We went out to lunch one day, a place we had never been before.  He was looking at me with this goofy smile on his face, and his usual non-stop stories seemed oddly strange.  Like He wanted to say something, but didn't know how.  Towards the end lunch, he blurted out, "Can I be your baby Daddy?" 

 Your Daddy is the least ghetto person in the world.  He is a lawyer, and I have rarely seen him in anything but a suit.  So after laughing my head off at what just happened, I told him yes.  

Falling in Love by Accident

April 13, 2012

It was not supposed to happen, but, it did.  There was no way Mommy and Daddy could not be together, and we fell "in like", which shortly after turned to love.  Mommy talked a lot about how much she wanted another baby, and suddenly she realized not just another baby, but Daddy's baby.