5 years later...

5 years has come and gone, but the memory of you will never fade. Even to this day, you are missed and thought about. They say time heals all wounds-- somehow I never see that happening-- each day just becomes a little more bearable.

I can only imagine how you would be right now. A smart little young man full of a sassy attitude. You would be in pre-school and smart as a tack. Just like your daddy. I often wonder what you would look like, how you would sound. I often wonder how it would be to come home to you and have you wrap your arms around me after a long day and just say "mom, i love you". Some days - that is just what I need.

You are very missed. I know grandma misses you- so does your uncle Josh and your daddy. You would have been so spoiled. I can just imagine the big party we would have been having for you this year...  It's insane just how much you are loved.  All the cake and toys and stuff.... my house would have been a mess!!!!!

Anyways, I love you and I miss you. Happy Birthday!!! Have a slice of cake in Heaven for me. 



4th Birthday

It's so hard to believe you would be 4 today. Seems like just yesterday we were anticipating your arrival. Time flies by and sometimes I wonder where the last 4 years have gone. On my way home from work today, I was thinking about you and picturing you picking out what your Halloween costume would be. We would have had your party this passed weekend. It would have been a big bash with all mommy's friends little one's, who are all about your age. Not a day goes by that you aren't in my mind and every chance I get, I talk about you. We all love you and we miss you.

I love you and miss you and one day we will celebrate all these birthdays we missed. Watch over us and guide us in our daily life my little angel boy. You've always been there when I've needed you the most. Love you.

Baby shower- August 2007

So.. Your baby shower was in August, just 2 months before you were born. I didn't want a baby shower because I hate when people make a fuss over me! Your auntie's julie and eva were determined to have us a shower tho, even tho mommy didn't register. I was just thankful for anything people wanted to give. We had one of the biggest baby showers at mommie's job, Gabriel. Everyone came. I was the first of 7 women pregnant at work, and I was having the first and only boy of the bunch at the time. You were very anticipated. Everyone was waiting to meet you. It was funny when daddy and I were trying to figure out your name, I liked Mark Logan, and daddy liked Gabriel Alexander... I wasn't too keen on your name at first, but after your daddy kept calling you Gabriel, it kind of stuck. Little did I know then, that your name would suit what would be your destiny.

Even to this day, all of your baby shower things are in your nursery. All of your clothes are in vaccuum bags, your crib is still put up, your walls are still decorated... it all looks like it is still waiting for you to come home. I haven't brought myself to take it down yet...


I had all of the cravings in the world with you. I wanted salty things.. I loved dill pickles and pickle juice. I loved tomato's with salt... cinnamon poptarts and my favorite craving a Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendy's. For the first few months, I lost 25 pounds, but it didn't take me long at all to gain that and then some. You were my excuse to eat eat eat!!!! Daddy wanted me to eat healthy lol... but when you were hungry, we ate! I always made your daddy feel guilty if he wouldn't eat. lol, I told him the baby was hungry... so then he ate. Needless to say, he gained sympathy weight !!!!

I got so big with you Gabriel. My belly was huge. But I kept working. I did everything normal throughout my whole pregnancy. I even worked until the day before you passed away. I was training a class at work and had our last OBGYN appointment. We heard your heartbeat and things seemed to be ok. Mommy's doctor said we could go and have you that day, but I didn't want to leave my training class in a bind, so I asked if we could do it the next day. He said we could, so we opted to have you, by c-section, on Friday October 12th. Sometimes I think , "if only", I would have went that day, maybe you would have had the chance of life. But I know that what happened was your destiny. You stayed with me until you had to answer to the man above. You served your purpose, trust me. My life changed that day.

Sometimes it seems so surreal that I was ever pregnant, other days, I feel as though I just lost you. No matter how much time has passed, our 9 months together stays with me. It was such a joy to be pregnant, and I always tell people if they don't have a child, they should experience it. Pregnancy was an  awesome thing.

Thank you for giving me the chance to experience it. It was great =)

June 2007

I forget the exact date, but we found out you were a boy in June. Everyone wanted a girl, but me!! My mom did, your daddy did and all of our friends did. But I knew you were going to be a boy- my little slugger,running back and point guard!!! I had so many hopes and dreams for you. There was so much that I could show you and so much we could do. I remember being at the hospital and the ultra sound technician was doing the ultra sound. It was just her and myself. She asked me if I wanted to know your sex, and I couldn't wait!! so I said yes... then we brought back your dad and grammy to find out! It was so exciting. Now we could finally shop for you. Grandma and I painted your nursery pastel green with yellow trim. You had winnie the pooh ALL over the place. Bed sheets/ decal's on the wall, outfits, bottles, just everything... winnie the pooh.

So many dreams we had for you, and for our family... so many dreams left sitting empty in your nursery... 

March 17, 2007

This was the day that daddy and I found out about you. What a day. I was happy and so excited. I couldn't believe I was going to be your mommy. The only scarey part was how were dad and I going to tell your Grandma. Good thing we are smart and we took her shopping and had her in a crowd of people so she wouldn't make a scene :). I gave her your first ultra sound picture. You were no bigger than a speck, but you were already 8 weeks in mommy's belly. I couldn't wait for you. I was so happy.