Happy Mother's Day Momma

As each year passes I keep hoping that somehow I'll miss you a little less but that just doesn't happen. Today and every day I celebrate the amazing mother that you were. I was beyond lucky to have you in my life. To feel your unconditional love and acceptance. To know, with a certainty beyond anything imaginable, that you would always be there for me. No matter what. You made mistakes, it's childish to think a human being wouldn't, but you never stopped trying and overcoming for us. I hold onto the memory of that love and the adventures we shared. I try to be the person you believed in, the person you loved. I hope that in some small way I reflect to the world even 1/10th of the lessons you taught me. Thank you for being my Mom. Forever your Nene

How do I commemorate each year without you?  What could I possible say or do or scream or sing that would capture what it feels like to spend every day of my life without you?  Should I just post the same pain, the same memories, the same sorrow and the same brief moments of captured joy that keep me going or do I start trying to replace that with something else, something different, something new ..... but that's just it Mom, there is nothing new. That's the problem.  I want something new with you.  I want new stories to tell and new memories. And if I can't have that then I want pictures I've never seen before, videos of you that I didn't know existed. I want to find a note from you hidden away like a treasure waiting to be discovered.  I want new because I've already memorized every photo, every card, every note of your singing.  I re-read your stories. I go to Georgetown and re-walk your steps.  I sing your songs. I crave something new because I know I'll never be able to create anything new with you ever again and I can't stand that. I hate that.  And some of the smaller memories are started to fade, slipping across the sky like wispy clouds riding on some unseen wind - out of my control.  And each time I have trouble remembering something small, some gesture or look, your favorite coffee, anything at all, it feels like I'm losing you all over again.  I know, I know. You'd tell me that's just silly. You'd say that you lived your life and now I must live mine. You'd say you want me to move on and be happy. You'd tell me to hold onto the happy memories and leave the rest behind.  Make you a deal - come say that to my face and I will.  

3 years. I can't believe you've been gone for three years Mom.. I miss you so much. We toasted you all day yesterday and had margaritas in your honor. I know you would've loved the whole day - I wish we could still have our adventures together. I even climbed up on a piano and sang, pretending for a moment to be you as a youngster, singing in a club in Georgetown. Of course, I was completely drunk and sounded terrible but it was in your honor and I know you would've laughed so hard!  

I wish I could tell you all about my life. I wish I could hear you sing Happy Birthday and call me your peanut. I wish so much but more than anything I hope that you are somewhere with the souls you love so much. I hope that Danny is there with you and that Easter isn't a sad day for him anymore. It's hard to have the anniversary of your death and his fall on the same day but I take comfort in my hope that you are together dancing through the stars and playing songs on the sunbeams.


You are thought of every single day and always will be. I carry you in my heart and hear you in my head. You are the smile in my eyes and the giggle on the tip of my tongue. Forever together - no matter what.  

My Auntie Gail,
I miss...
~Listening to the stories you shared of your life...especially those of your childhood as well as those that included Grandpa, Gram, (my) Mom, & Uncle Bruce - you had such a great memory for details!
~Hearing your voice singing "Happy Birthday my Shell Belle"
~Your spaghetti and meatballs!
~Sharing our bargain shopping/coupon "steals"
~Looking at your photo albums
~How excited you would be during the Christmas season
~That you didn't mind me calling you "Auntie" even though I am in my 40s!
~The love that you always showed to my husband, to my children, and to me
~Knowing that I could pick up the phone and share the mundane details of my day...and you would listen intently
~You...
I love you!
Always,
Shell Belle

Happy birthday mom.

If we were together we'd have some grand adventure planned, on our way to a beach somewhere. But apart I reckon I won't do much of anything... Maybe listen to you sing, read old birthday cards, and gaze at photos I've nearly memorized of time well spent together. 

For your part I hope you can have an adventure more glorious then anything I'm even capable of imagining, maybe even a trip to the bottom of the sea or to a rainbow colored ocean in a far away galaxy .... just know in heart I'm right by your side every moment. Who knows, maybe someday we'll be able to sit down over Cadillac margaritas and share stories about South America and how the rings of Jupiter tickled your toes. 

And when I reach Uruguay I'll be taking a piece of you with me and doing my best to truly live the experience like you would have. I'll toast you Mom from the bottom of the world and with all of my heart.

From now until the end of time, your Nene 

Your birthdays are hard for me Mom, not because I don't want to celebrate your entrance into this world, but because I selfishly remember all of the wonderful times I spent with you and mourn my own loss.

Christmas, I'll admit, is almost unbearable because in the end all of its meaning and value and joy came from you - so now it seems so empty.

The anniversary of your death brings up such tragic memories of watching you melt away from me, so I do all I can to not think of it at all.

But Mother's Day, well, I can't make that about me. No matter how sad I am to be without you, your glorious achievements as a Mom are the only thing that deserves attention today. 

You spent your entire life as a Mother. I find that hard to fathom, having had no children of my own. 

You dedicated your life to bringing life into the world. Wow. I'm awe struck by you.

No matter how hard things got you always managed to provide for us. 
No matter how low you felt inside you found some way back out of it to see us there before you and try, with all your might, to be the best Mom you could be. 

Were you perfect? Of course not. None of us are. 
Did you make mistakes? Sure. Everyone does. 
Did you love us unconditionally throughout - absolutely. 
Your capacity to give love was boundless and your desire to see your children happy larger than the universe itself. 

Today I honor you, not just because you were my friend and my awe-inspiring, unconditionally loving, value instilling Mother ... but because you spread that love and that lesson to everyone you met. You made a difference in this world to so many people. You mattered. You still matter. You'll always matter. 

You are my inspiration and my heart and today I thank you for being my biggest strength, my grandest support, and my deepest love.

The 3 of us were in Ocean City for a weekend and had just finished a ride on the Rocket, a very fast speedboat!  We look like drowned rats!!  Of course we picked the seats that got the most spray!  It's a nice memory for me of the Ferrara siblings spending some quality time togther!

It seems like just yesterday I saw your smile, heard you say I love you, and felt the warmth of your skin on mine ... and yet it feels like an eternity I've been longing for you.

On this anniversary of your death, I embark on a journey through my mind of memories sweet with tenderness and ripe with laughter. I gaze at your face, frozen in time and captured by the lens of a camera to feel close to you.

I listen to the sound of your voice singing sweetly and telling me stories of a youth I long to have been a part of.

I try to imagine what it must've been like, knowing you as a child, as a young woman filled with the promise of a future. Scraped up knees joyfully riding your bike or swimming in the pool; first formal dress on your way to the dance; precious moments of children being born; and glamorous days of singing on stage with a room filled with boisterous fans.

Maybe I can't know you then, before I was even born, but I can know the joy those moments brought to you because you shared them with me. I can understand the depth of your love for your children because you showered me with it. I do know the sound of your voice because I had a lifetime of hearing you sing your way around the house.

These are the seconds of time that capture my heart each and every day. Our laughter and our love and our grand adventures that brought such joy to my life.

The lessons you taught me burned into my soul, molding the very core of who I am. Treat others as you want to be treated. Don't judge. Accept. Love. Be kind. Give of yourself. Your word is your bond. Honor. Integrity. Respect. Compassion. Work ethic. To fight for those who can't fight for themselves. To stand up for what I believe in no matter what the consequence. Gifts from you that make me rich beyond any earthly measure. Thank you.

You were always there for me and that's not a cliche. You truly were. When I was sick, you sat by my bedside. When I was angry, you accepted my ire with unconditional love. When I was joyous you took more pleasure in my joy than in your own. When I was down you pointed out everything I did right. When I lost hope you had enough for the both of us.

I don't know how to go on with life without you but I do know that it's what you'd want me to do. I do know that all you ever wanted in your life was for your children to eat life up with both hands, filled with joy and wonder and gratitude and adventure and above all else, love.

So today, on the anniversary of the day I lost you, my best friend, I will take one step at a time into my future, trying to honor you by living the best life I can.

I love you Mom - yesterday, today, tomorrow .... forever

Mom and I have had a lot of wonderful adventures together, the stories keeping her alive in my heart.  But this day, in particular, was one that will always make me smile.  We set off mid-morning to the Beach Club, a private beachfront "resort" near Maibu where one my dearest friends is a member. It was a gorgeous California day and Richard, my friend, decided to pick us up so we'd be able to enjoy a couple of cocktails with no driving.

We played Bocce ball right on the beach with the Pacific lapping the shore and the sun kissing our faces. We lounged at our favorite oudoor table exchanging stories, eating delicious foods, and drinking cold cadillace margaritas. And as was custom, we ended the day in the private cabana, relaxing and unwinding.

Okay, so maybe we finished it with one too many margaritas ... truth be told!  When Richard dropped us back off at my apartment in North Hollywood we were drunk and full of energy so we blasted Ella Fitzgerald and sang all her songs together, dancing about and doing our best stage impersonations.  We were old school divas in our sweat pants and fedoras.  

Thus, the picture you see above ... only one of several self-portraits capturing a breathe in time around 1:00am some perfect Saturday that will replay in my mind for an eternity ....