I was looking through my Dad's memorial today and the irony of this picture hit me. This was picture was taken in 1977 on a ski trip to Colorado. Dad, my sister Cheryl and I are standing under a sign that says, "Trails End." Dad is clowning around putting the "peace sign" over our heads. On May 19, 2008 my sister Cheryl and I were on either side of Dad as he took his last breath. He was at the "Trails End" and it was peaceful. Irony........
Today would be my Dad's 77th birthday. While I always think about him on the anniversary of his death; I tend to think about him more on his birthday. Probably, because I wish he was here to celebrate it. Not that he cared for a lot of fuss in terms of his birthday! Attached is a picture of him on his birthday in 1973. Miss you Dad!
When we think of a bridge we usually think of a structure that goes over a river or other body of water; however, we can also use the word to describe the non physical. Here is another definition: " A time, place, or means of connection." My father had a form of dementia that took away what might be called his rational mind, affected his body and his ability to communicate. I know for many people this is worse than death. I don't think so. For while my father wasn't the "same" he did not disappear. In fact for me while he often rambled in terms of his speech I learned to understand what he was trying to say. In a video clip from "Memory Bridge" one of the speaker's says, "The greatest impediment to communicating with people who have Alzheimer's disease is the illusion of knowledge that the person is already gone." My Dad wasn't the same due to his dementia; however, he was still there and in some ways I think I really got to "know" him as his ability to rationalize, think, etc disappeared. What was left was who he was on an emotional and even spiritual level. Here is a link to clips from the film, "There is a Bridge" produced by the organization "Memory Bridge." Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia are not the "end" they require us to communicate and reach out to people in a different way. It's easy to discard people who suffer from any form of dementia; however, they are stil there. http://www.memorybridge.org/videos.php
The picture above is of my Dad (after he had dementia and less than a year before he died) and his nephew Fred. Dad hadn't seen Fred in a long time and you can see from the look on my father's face that it meant the world to him. Relationships were still important to him.
The picture in this story is of me after my first successful bike ride on my own. Not the best picure - it has marks, age, etc; however, so do I. Dad spent weeks holding onto the back of the bike as I rode. I begged him to not let go. He didn't until one day I felt his grip let loose of the back of my bike and I was on my own. I will never forget the feeling of successfully riding my bike without his assistance. I immediately felt a sense of independence that I had "wheels."
If you knew how terrified I was of trying to ride on my own you would understand the intuitive nature of my father that knew when to let go. I didn't crash and I will never forget the feeling of freedom when I knew I could do this on my own. Letting go is an art and knowing when to is genius.
Many people go into there 20's, 30's 40's and beyond still dependent on parents or the system. Possibly well meaning parent's do not realize when to let go and end up with children who are dependent for years or parent's that want their children dependent on them.
My parent's raised children to experience that sense of independence and to travail the obstacles that would face us in the future without going back to Mommy and Daddy. I thank them both for that.
Today(July 28th) is my brother David's birthday. I remember his birth and Duane's birth well. Duane being born stands out to me because Dad took care of me while Mom was in the hospital. Found out Dad's cooking skills were limited. He burned the fish sticks and didn't drain the water from the Chicken Chow Mein can. So, we ended up going to Pizza Hut the next night. I'll never forget riding in the car with him singing, "Put, Put, to the Pizza Hut" all the way there. Even if he couldn't cook we still had a good time.
When David was born we were a family of two girls and two boys. Naturally, the boys, Dwight and Duane, were rooting for a boy. Cheryl and I were hoping for a girl. When the call came that it was a boy Dwight and Duane cheered and Cheryl and I booed! We weren't disappointed for long because David (the tie-breaker) was such a cute and sweet baby. We all loved him.
We are a rather competitive bunch; however, when it comes right down to it we have always had each other's "back." We were raised to compete with each other in games (all in fun) however, more importantly we were raised to compete with ourselves. I don't remember ever being compared to any of my siblings. I never felt one of us was favored over the other(s). My parent's, and I think Dad more specifically, had a motto, "We don't do for one that we can't do for all." In other words one of us didn't get more clothes, toys, etc in comparison to any of the others. We were equals in their eyes.
I see families where there is discord and jealousy and usually I find that one child is favored over another which results in fighting, dysfunction, etc. While five children are a handful I think both my mother and father did an excellent job of raising us as and as Dwight said (in his Eulogy to Dad) "...kids that grew up to be adults that didn't need me (him) anymore." Independent and self-reliant adults who also understood the value of family and loyalty.
So, today I look back on the day David was born and remember that while he was the "tie-breaker" the five of us have remained a team. Happy Birthday David!
Eulogy
May 23, 2008
Below is just a small portion of the eulogy my brother, Dwight, gave at Dad's memorial service. In summary Dwight provided a brief look into Dad's growing up on the farm, his successes and primarily his "genius" in raising kids. Dwight talked about the mistakes some of us made. One example was my experience hitting a telephone pole at 16 - I was fine the pole didn't survive. Dad wasn't angry or critical; he just encourgaged me to get behind the wheel again or as Dwight said, "Get back in the saddle." When Dwight was 16 Dad and Mom gave him permission to take flying lessons and he soloed at 17. Dwight's eulogy provided a glimpse into a father who had an "elusive genius" when it came to raising his kids. He and my mother provided us with the foundation we needed to survive and succeed in life.
Below is the ending of Dwight's eulogy and the song he chose to go with it is at the top. The song is "Drive" by Alan Jackson.
"...... Whether we were "getting back in the saddle" or getting in the saddle for the first time Dad supported us......My brothers and sisters could tell many more stories like this as could I. The significance of these stories did not hit me for a long time.
As my children, Matt and Cydney, grew I often thought about Dad and tried to put a finger on what it was he did so well. I wanted to raise confident, self-reliant kids like he did - kids that grew up to be adults that didn't need me anymore.
There were no speeches or grandiose statements of principle to which I could attribute Dad's success. He didn't tell us what to do and seldom what not to do. I knew, however, there was an elusive genius to how he raised us. I just could not identify it.
About two years ago I first heard a song that crystallized it for me. The metaphorical "drive" in Alan Jackson's tribute to his father brought instant clarity. I bought the CD that day and listened to the song several times.
A year ago Easter weekend (April 2007) we made our customary trip to Wichita. Over the weekend Kathy and I were taking Dad home after an outing. As we walked up to the door, Dad, in his self-deprecating style, said, "You kids sure turned out good." and then suggested that our character traits were developed in spite of him and not because of him. I told him that he had everything to do with it. I told him about a song I heard and how it helped me understand how he had shaped us into the people we are today. His expression lit up as I told the story. I told him I would bring the CD back and play it for him sometime. Although I returned to Wichita several times to see him in the past year, I never remembered to bring the CD. I would like to play it for him now."
"Grandchildren are the dots that connect the lines from generation to generation. Lois Wyse"
This is a picture of Dad's grandchildren, with their grandmother, at Thanksgiving 2012. All good kids that he would be proud of today. Matt is an intelligent, kind teenager who never fails to amaze me at what he knows. Kyle is an outstanding athlete, smart and just fun to be around. Renee is going to college on an art scholorship she is sweet, sensitive and kind. Lauren is my "baby" and because Dad got to spend so much time with her in his last year of life he called her his "shining star" he knew she was smart; however, her deeply caring nature is what I think impressed him the most. She is in college and thinking about becoming a nutritionist. Jessica has graduated from college with a degree in Business. She has her Grandpa's business savvy. She was his first grandchild born on Father's Day and I know he would be proud of her. Cydney is becoming a beautiful teenager who seems mature and wise beyond her years. She has a calm and confident personality . Merry, is my youngest brother's oldest child. She is a tall, pretty teenager who is quiet; however, it's obvious she is very intelligent yet sensitive and kind. Gwen is a social butterfly who loves to talk and is so honest and fun. She doesn't know a stranger and loves to share what she is thinking. She will be the "life of the party" just like her grandpa. Brennan, the youngest, is smart and quiet gentle soul yet a kid who I can tell can "stand his ground." Maybe, a little bit of the Dumler stubborn nature which is a good thing.
Might I say, their grandmother deserves a great deal of praise for the kind of children she raised and the impact she had and still has on her children and grandchildren. I know my father would, in his self-effacing way, give her all the credit. It was a joint effort.
Dad said before he died, "I'll go on in my grandchildren." I think he would be happy and proud of his grandchildren. They are connecting the dots.
Legacy. A word typically associated with a monetary inheritance; however, there is a second definition of this word. "Something transmitted or passed on by an ancestor or predecessor." My father, before he died, commented that he knew he wouldn't live much longer; however, that he would "go on in his grandchildren." After reading an article on my nephew Kyle Dumler who plays football I had to smile and think about what Dad said. The Bonner Springs newspaper wrote an article about the football team and my nephew Kyle who started out on the team with little confidence. Part of the article is below:
"Then a 224-pound sophomore with little confidence, Dumler thought his only value on varsity would end up being as a punter.
“But then (coach Lucas) Aslin just came in and turned me around,” Dumler said.
When Aslin remembers the moment, he smiles in a way that suggests Dumler’s turnaround is still fresh on the mind. One day at practice last year, Aslin said, Dumler was getting “beat like a dog.” He watched as Dumler was beat for five, six sacks in a row, his embarrassment more visible each play. The next week was a different story.
“He comes out and just BOOM, knocks people down,” Aslin said.
He hasn’t stopped."
http://www.bonnersprings.com/news/2012/aug/25/dumler-personifies-bulked-braves-football-attack-f/
Coach Aslin knew how to motivate and coach Kyle; however, no matter how good the coaching if the player chooses not to respond or gives up the best coach in the world can't work miracles.
Kyle had the wisdom, intelligence and humility to respond to the coach and he didn't give up.
Not giving up was a trait my Dad instilled in us and my brother passed on to his son. One of many character traits we received from Dad. In Dad's grandchildren I see many of his: intelligence, empathy, perseverance, mercy, determination, grace and many more.
I see in Dad's grandchildren many of their grandfather's traits and their grandmother's too.
Dad would be proud and I can't think of a better legacy.
Dad loved basketball. His illness took a toll on his body; however, when you threw him a basketball his physical/mental ailments seemed to almost disappear. Two months before he died KU won the National Championship and Dad got to see that game. He was still excited about it the next day and even tried to coach me in some basketball moves.
Attached is a cell phone video taken from my sister's camera on 8/19/07. The video is somewhat choppy and fast; however, Dad makes the basket and twirls the ball on his finger.
Just three months prior (to this video) Dad had been bed ridden and in critical condition. I think he would agree with the following quote by the famous football coach Vince Lombardi: “It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get back up.”
One of my brothers recently posted a picture, on Facebook, of his son's team in the sweltering heat practicing for the upcoming season. I wrote "Tough bunch to be out there in this heat." He wrote, "Ahh, they're young it's good for them." I wrote back you sound a little bit like our father. He wrote back that it was a quote he used all the time with his kids and other quotes like, "You'll live." My brother realized he probably was repeating some of the Dad "isms" he wasn't too fond of as a kid; however, they ended up being true.
I have told my daughters when they are asked to complete some unreasonable school assignment or task at work, "You have to jump through the hoops." The oldest daughter hated that; however, I 've heard her tell her younger sister the same thing. Dad used to say that to me and I of course repeated it with my kids. Let's face it life isn't fair and as a teenager or young adult someone needs to give you a little reminder once and awhile.
I think all of us could repeat our favorite Dad "isms." They were said with love and they toughened us up when we needed it.
I've seen in my brothers a great deal of my father. Dwight has what I call "the look" just simply looking at his kids and letting them know what they need to do, Duane says the same things Dad said, and David has the patience he showed in raising us.
Here is a song for my brothers that reminds me of our father and the part of him I see in them. Keith Urban's, "Song for Dad."
This is a picture of Cheryl, Dad & me in Breckenridge Colorado during a ski trip. Dad was doing his "Richard Nixon" impression (I think - hard to tell with him he just liked to clown around in pictures.).
It was his first time skiing and all the ski instructors called him the "red bomber" because of the outfit he was wearing and the way he took off down the mountain.
Graduation from WSU with a degree in business. I know this made my grandparents very proud. They did not go to college and I know it was important that their children went to college.
Dad's birthday I think in 1973. Hopefully, I didn't make the cake! Kathy in the picture with David behind Dad.
Picture probably taken in early 1960. My mother and father were both still in school at WSU at the time and this was taken in front of a duplex we lived in. I don't remember this (obviously); however, I love the picture.
Jessica (Kathy's daughter) was the first grandchild on our side of the family and she was born on Father's Day that year. Father's Day present for my husband, Gary and Dad.
