I had a year off for maternity leave, I unknowingly developed post partum anxiety.  I worried about you constantly.  The first problem we encountered was newborn jaundice and worried you were not getting enough milk.   I had called my work, the labor and delivery unit at Victoria Hospital crying.  I didn’t know if I was feeding you properly because I had no experience with babies past 2 days old.  Esther calmly and gently spoke to me and assured me that you were getting enough and that we were doing it right.  I was so exhausted from worry and being a new mom, it wasn’t a difficult decision for me to cosleep.  Everyone got enough rest that way.  Your dad had two weeks off work to help us adjust.  We would sleep, eat, nap, eat, sleep and stare at you.  You would sleep in your swing during nap time too.  When it was time for your dad to go back to work, we were left alone.  We would go to bed around 9-10pm then get up around 1:30am for a snack, you breast milk and me oatmeal breakfast bars or peanut butter toast.  We would watch a bit of TV then go back to sleep.  You would then sleep until around 4-5am, I would feed you then we would go back to sleep.  We slept until 9-10am, then I would give you a bath in the sink and dress you up for the day.  I would shower when you went back to sleep for a nap.  I was worried about you getting cold so we didn’t go out much before the end of 2004.  Your first Christmas was exciting for us, we even took you to Dad’s work Christmas party.  
   In those first six months, you were really colicky and would cry in the evening and be inconsolable.  Plus I had too much milk and you spit up all the time,  I was so worried.  Things started to get better around 6 months, you were sitting up and laughing and smiling more, started eating solids.  I had heard many people call you a serious baby early on, that made me sad that I wasn’t making you happy.  As we played more and you became more intentional in your playing, we both started to worry less and smile more.  You were so happy from that moment on.  Feeding solids was the next hurdle, the book said how much you were supposed to eat and you weren’t eating that much and again, I was stressed out.  I learned to let it go a bit and just followed your lead.  Forever worried I wasn’t being a good enough mother to you.  
    The first date night that mom and dad had was on Valentine’s Day 2005.  Grandma Laura agreed to watch you so we could go for dinner.  She was a little late getting home that day, but grandpa Jack agreed to watch you until she got home.  While we were gone, you cried a lot that we were gone.  Grandpa had to keep you in your car seat swinging you with a light blanket over you so you couldn’t see him, if you did you would cry.  Aunty Shawna came over before grandma got home and you were so happy, and so was grandpa!  
     It was hard to leave you to go back to work.  During my maternity leave, Victoria Labor and Delivery unit closed down and I lost my job.  Luckily I was able to transfer to St Boniface maternity wards into a part time position, straight evenings.  Grandpa Dave agreed to watch you for a few hours.  I would leave for work around 2:30pm and your dad would get home around 3:30pm.  Your relationship with your dad grew stronger.  
     You were so sweet, you hated to sleep alone in your bed and I couldn’t stand you being sad.  There were many nights you had night terrors, screaming and crying for an hour and you were so inconsolable.  Sometimes you would talk about being afraid of “the man in your room”.  You were scared to put your legs under your blankets because the man was trying to get your feet.  So we would lay with you, soon we had you in a twin bed so when we laid with you we could all be more comfortable.   I was just back to work when I discovered I was pregnant with Finn.  I was so happy because it meant it wouldn’t be long until I could be home with you again.  I was only working part time but even that was too much time away from you.  Finn was due June 6, 2006, I was off for one month before Finn was born so we could get ready for him.  I also thought because you were a week early that maybe he would be too.  Nope, Finn ended up being 11 days overdue.  We were so excited for you to meet your new baby brother.  Dad brought you to the hospital, you were so happy to see me because I had not been away from you overnight before.  You were also excited to meet Finn, you wanted to carry him all the time.  When we brought him home, you were so preoccupied by him.  You wanted to be right beside him all the time.  You would stare at him, touch him, kiss him and want to carry him.  You would hardly eat for two weeks because you were so busy watching your little brother.  You also wanted to do all the things he was doing.  You’d climb in his crib, want to be swaddled, try sitting in his lounger and swing

Being a Mom was something I always wanted.  At 25 years old I felt it was time to start my family and I thought it would happen very easily.  After trying unsuccessfully for one year, I grew desperate to conceive and started to come to terms with the fact that it might not be possible.  Mentally, I assumed it was not going to happen and I made appointments with my doctor to try to get help.  Before that first appointment would happen, at the end of January 2004, I discovered I was pregnant.  I took a test and it was surprisingly positive, I screamed and cried with joy.  Colin and I decided to keep this news to ourselves until we were further along.  We had a double date on Valentines Day with my sister and her husband.  I was experiencing a lot of nausea and at our dinner, my sister figured it out.  We asked them not to say anything as we weren’t ready to share the news yet.  Easter of 2004 was when we shared the news with our families.  My parents were so thrilled to have a second grandchild.  Colin’s parents were not quite sure we were ready to be parents but grew accustomed to the idea.  During my pregnancy I had nausea throughout the first trimester.  My cravings were cheese burgers and French fries, any starchy foods.  I wanted to know our baby’s gender and so my boss at the time, used an ultrasound machine that was on our ward to check.  She sealed the gender in an envelope and Colin and I read it together.  At 18 weeks gestation, I was on my way home from night shift at work and I felt a flutter in my stomach.  That was the first time I felt him move.  After that, I would spend each day trying to feel my baby move.  As he grew bigger, I could watch him move.  He was such a busy baby in my tummy, and I loved every second of it.  Once we learned of his gender, we wanted to name him.  I had read JD Salinger’s A Catcher in the Rye when I was 18 years old during my first year at university.  I loved the name and I carried the idea that I would one day name my son after Holden Caufield.  I stopped working at 36 weeks, thinking I would have time to relax and get things in order before he came.  At 39 weeks, at about 1am, I was sleeping when I felt an internal little wiggle.  I knew my water was going to break, so I got up out of bed and began to walk to the bathroom.  I was halfway there when a big gush happened.  Colin woke up when he heard the sound.  I was so excited, I was going to meet my baby!  I showered and we headed to the hospital.  I wasn’t dilating or having adequate enough contractions so I had to have medication to get things going.  Throughout the day I moved from the rocking chair to the birthing ball and then the bed, all thinking I would have pain med free labour.  Then, I could hear the woman in the next room screaming.  That was it, I needed an epidural!! I received my epidural that evening and then was able to sleep.  I didn’t wake up until it was time to push.  I pushed for about two hours and then Holden was finally born on September 25, 2004 at 5:36am.  He weighed 8 pounds 4 ounces.  He was a healthy baby boy.  He seemed so unfamiliar to me, I would stare at him sleeping in my hospital bed and wonder at him.  I was not a stranger to him, he was sure I was his mom from the second I held him in my arms.  We spent two days in the hospital before we went home.  I was exhausted but so happy to finally be home with my beautiful new baby