It hardly seems possible that I have already lived 4 years without you mom. I don't even know how that is possible as you were the rock that I leaned on and the one I turned to for strength.  These years without have been hard! God has really put me to test and I guess he has more confidence in me than I have in myself because I wouldn't have believed what I am capable of surviving. But that's what it is surviving.  Because it's all I've had strength to manage.  But this year mom with the strength you instilled in me I am going to move from surviving to thriving. So much has changed in our family since you left us. Ryan's loss being the most life shattering. But I take comfort knowing he's with his Nan and you are caring for him. Our family has grown by two. We welcome two new children into our family  Kipp and Dell. And all the kids are growing and glowing. And guess what Mom, your daughter is now an ordained minister! So that's Reverend Christy to you! Pat and Janice are living together and caring for each other. Pat's faced some health issues but he's adapting with the help of his sister. One lesson I learned from you is that we don't have a choice at what life hands us, we just get to choose how we handle what we've been handed. I hope you're proud of how we all are handling things down here. We learnt from the best!
Love always

Christy

Dear Mommy,

Hard to believe you have been gone for three years already. Some days I still can’t believe you are gone and I am never going to be able to talk to you again. It doesn’t matter how old you are sometimes you just need your mom. There have been a lot of days like that lately. Yesterday I almost told my Bluetooth to call Mom. Your number is still in my phone cause I can’t bear to delete it. I miss you Mommy, every day. You were the rock that I leaned on, the rock everybody leaned on, and now sometimes it feels like since you been gone we’ve all fallen apart. I try though Mommy to be a daughter you can proud off. I do my best to be strong. I always used to think I was more like Dad, a heart on my sleeve kinda person and I am, but the fierce Mama Bear bravery, that comes from you. That’s what you gave me. strength and courage, and God knows I need that more that ever now. You taught me that whatever life gives you, you don’t run away amd hide, you look it in the face straight on and you deal with it. There will be hurt, there will be pain, yes, all that is part of life, but so is laughter and joy and love and you count your blessings and give thanks for blessings in your life. Blessings like family, which meant the world to you and to me also. Just hurts to have everyone so spread out and far away from each other and the pandemic made it so much harder for us all to be together. I am thankful you never had to experience any of that COVID -19 craziness and that you got sick before it hit so you could receive the best care possible at your end of life journey. I feel so blessed that I was able to be there for that and walk every step of that journey with you, though sometimes I felt I was doing it blindly. Your stroke and subsequent aphasia made it impossible for you to communicate through any other means than love. I watched your eyes and let them tell me what you needed and if what I was doing was bringing you relief or comfort. I really tried my best to make those days the best they could be for you Mommy. I know I got it wrong sometimes but I hope you know how hard I tried. Hard as it was to have to say goodbye to you I am glad we said goodbye to you before Ryan. One so you would not have to deal with that pain and grief. I do believe if anything were that would break my strong Mama and bring her to her knees it would have been that, having to say goodbye to her beloved grandson. Two I am so you glad you were there waiting to welcome Ryan and you were reunited in a place free of pain and suffering. God knows you both suffered enough here on earth. It gives me so much comfort knowing Ryan is with you Mommy and you are caring for him and loving him till once again we all meet in Heaven. Until that time I got things down here. I am doing my best each day to put one foot in front in the other and carry on with love, grace, and courage like my Mama did.

Forever in my heart,

Christy

I miss you everyday Mom but some days are harder, like your birthday. There are days when I still reach for the phone to call you. I am never going to outgrow needing my mom and it hurts you are no longer here with us physically. But your spirit and strength lives on in all of us. Thank you for gifting us with courage and determination. You were no quitter, you never gave up, and you put up the biggest and bravest fight right to the end. Wish you were here so we could celebrate your birthday the way you loved to, surrounded by family, having a backyard BBQ, strawberry shortcake, ice cream lots of presents and pampering and perhaps a trip to the slots to test your luck, which was always better than mine. Happy birthday Mommy, we love you, we miss you, we celebrate you.

Megan had a great idea last night to celebrate your birthday with dinner from your favourite fast food place A and W. I did the same but the on-the-go vegan version of what was your classic order. A burger combo with onion rings and root beer. It was good but not the same without you, or Ryan. Strange how I go to A and W a lot, as it is a comfort but it also brings a sadness. Like there is this emptiness where you both should be. 

Megan and I were planning to make a trip to Georgian Downs to play the slots after the kids where in bed, hoping you send us Mom luck but life had other plans and we never made it there last night. We will be making a trip there in your honour later this week. 

Chloe and I have been spending lots of time in the gardening. She loves being outside and checking on her flowers and just sitting out there listening to the birds sing. She even sings back to them. Your hostas are so big now they are taking over the garden. We will have to divide and transplant them again in the fall. And guess what Mom, we planted a lilac bush for you near Ryan's tree. I look forward to the day when it is in full bloom and Chloe and I can sit beside it drinking lemonade.

Hope Ryan is being good up there and getting into too much trouble with dad. Thank you for watching over us all and sending signs when we need them.  Love and miss you Mom. Happy Heavenly birthday to you! Hope you are enjoying your cake and ice cream.