Ivanna , it's been 2 years since you've passed. I heard the news a few days after you passed. Im sorry i didn't say anything sooner , i didn't know if it was wrong to say anything , or if I should say anything at all , I couldn't at the time bc it was too fresh. Now some time has passed and highschool is over , i figured I could tell you how I feel now that I've matured a bit. Ivanna im so deeply sorry for the damages I caused you in highschool. For the damage we caused each other. We were very young and I especially didn't know how to communicate when I was angry. I lashed out at you several times , i threw more shots at you than you threw at me. I was used to having to defend myself and you knew that , throughout all of that you remained true to what you believed was right , you stayed as kind as you could to me regardless of how I was. Neither of us were perfect , i wont say anything more than that bc you're not here to speak for yourself. But all I can say is that I'm so sorry. You were honestly so smart , so much ambition and most importantly LOVE for everybody and absolutely no judgement. You wanted to help anywhere you could. You were really funny and upbeat. U were such an adventure seeker as well. I feel like we would've been so much better if we stayed as friends and never crossed that line , regardless though im grateful for the memories with you. You made me laugh so many times , you were always such a light. In the worst situations you still showed up to school and did the best you could...man I couldn't even finish highschool when you passed so I have no idea how you were so strong in school regardless of how your mental health was that day. I miss your smile the most honestly. You had the most inviting & warming smile. That's all I think about sometimes , when I'm going through a hard time I just think about your smile now. You smiled everyday through the hurt you went through , now I do the same. This year on my birthday I got an Angel tattooed on my right arm for you. My right arm is my dominant one , it's the one I throw the first punch with. In highschool I fought with everybody , not just you. I've always had to defend for myself , so I learned to be aggressive and on gaurd. You taught me different once you passed. Ivanna , I was filled with so much regret , and im sorry it took until THEN for me to apologize bc you cant even hear it. bc of you I've learned to breathe and go with the flow. I don't get mad anymore , i try not to. I ended up going to boxing so I have an outlet. Im by myself now as well. After you passed I cut off everybody , I was ashamed and I still am , I still feel guilty for what I did back then. I've seen all the posts about you , I've visited this website so many countless times to see your pictures or just how happy you made people. I wish I could go back in time , i wouldve spent days , weeks , even months just listening to you if you needed someone to. I wish I could bring you back , even if that means you would still hate me to this day , I don't care man , you were such a light for your family and friends , even teachers. Having you around made the world better. You were genuine , sweet , incredibly smart , and of course talented. I have nothing but love for you ivanna. I tell people how much you taught me , I tell them how you deserved none of the pain you had to deal with. I tell them how bright you were , to the point where it was annoying bc idk how someone could be so smart and able to balance all their things at once lol. Your energy lives on ivanna , I still carry your name on a necklace too. I wont let myself forget. I cant let myself forget. Nobody in highschool ever genuinely loved me like that besides you. Everybody in highschool was so judgy and on defense 24/7 , we were all anxious and depressed , it's rare when someone makes time to check up on others and genuinely loves others despite of what that person is going through. You were a rare gem ivanna. I wish I would've cherished you more. I wish I would've shown more love to you. Most importantly though I wish I was paying attention. If I knew you would be gone I would've done everything I could to stop it. I would've preferred it was me instead of you. I had nothing to offer back then I was a alcoholic in highschool with depression. You were doing such amazing things at a young age , i was wasting space man. Im sorry for all the arguments , all the times I lashed out , the times I abused your forgiveness. Im in your debt forever , and I try to make it up by being loving to everybody and trying to be more spiritual. I've stopped using alcohol and pills. I still smoke weed but honestly it helps. Im not on my meds anymore either , im not really happier but im calmer. Im not constantly with my walls up anymore either , now when I'm upset I lay down on the grass and look at the clouds , if there's no clouds , i breathe and smell the flowers. I remember I told you I thought that wouldn't do anything when you suggested it to me , but now it's my favorite thing to do when I'm going through it. I fucking miss u dude. I'll rep u til im in my grave myself. Your lessons taught me so much and it built me into what I'm growing into now. Thank you ivanna. I hope your showering in unconditional love up there. You deserve every drop of happiness and love the universe has to offer. Love you forever ivanna.
- Angelica.