The past few weeks have been the most difficult weeks of my entire life.
I went to the doctor for my 36 week checkup and was met with the unbelievable news that Jacob's heart no longer beat with mine. I called my husband to tell him the news. My heart sank. I sat in the room and cried in disbelief and waited for Dan to meet me at the doctor’s office. Dr. Minehan had to explain to both of us what our next step would be. Jacob Thomas Berg was born on 1.11.12 at 10:30 PM. He weighed 5 Lbs. and was 19 inches long.
He was perfectly formed in every way. Ten beautiful long fingers and ten adorable tiny toes, a precious little button nose, baby soft skin, long legs, and chubby cheeks. He looked just like Tyler did when he was first born.
The most difficult thing was holding my baby in the hospital room and admiring how beautiful and perfect he was and then having to give him to the nurse to take away knowing I would never see him again. I could never explain the pain I was/am feeling.
I am so thankful to be able to come home to my loving husband and son Tyler. They give me reason to get up and get out of bed, even when I don't feel like it.
When I came home I went into Jacob's room or what would have been his room and sobbed. I looked around at the stripes my husband had painted (just like I wanted) and the matching blue carpet. Everything was ready for him to come home and be with us. I wanted to clear out his clothes so it wouldn’t break my heart every time I walked in there. I sorted through his belongings and set aside things that we had personalized with his name on it and put it in a donate pile. I looked in his empty crib and felt a piece of my heart missing; I asked myself how this could happen to me. With my first pregnancy I had few complications (high blood pressure and preeclampsia) and with this everything was perfect. I took my vitamins every day and made sure to take care of myself. It just didn’t seem fair that this was happening to us.
We needed to make funeral arrangements so Dan and I decided to have Jacobs body cremated. It was so difficult picking Jacob up, this was the smallest urn I have ever seen. I honestly thought it was the sample when we had our meeting the other day. I figured it would be bigger. I lost it when the man across the counter said please sign here so we can relinquish your son to you. Just hearing those words (your son) made me think I was going to fall to my knees. I was shaking and crying as we left the funeral home but tried my hardest to keep it together for my family.
We decided that we are going to spread his ashes in a lake nearby. I want to be able to visit him in a happy place. It gives me peace of mind knowing that I can go somewhere and just think about him or have a feeling of peace knowing he is there with us. I wanted to honor the eight and a half months he had lived (inside me) so we are going to have a mini memorial and put flowers in the water after we spread his ashes.
It’s only been a few weeks but my heart still aches daily to have him here with us. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away.
I am not very religious but a friend sent this bible verse to me and it’s one I will always remember
I have loved you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
This is how I feel about Jacob