I don't really know how to begin or how long this could go. Daddy, I love you. I've managed to keep it all a blur so that I can keep moving forward. Time stops whenever I think about you. My chest goes heavy, my brain gets erratic, and my heart hurts. This is not "out of sight, out of mind". I really just can't handle being absolutely aware of it. Your grandson is perfect. Krystopher held him first in your place, and I'm glad I made that choice. I wish you were here to see ... He's so beautiful. He was born January 11, 2019. 2 weeks & 2 days after you passed on. He is 5 days old today. We changed his middle name to the traditional spelling in memberance of you. Ethan James Mays. He has your blonde hair & he has your ears. I miss you. You are my first thought in the morning, every morning. When I look up at the sky, I think of you. I don't cry much, really. It mostly feels like a piece of me is missing, and I'm not sure what to do about that. You were my hero every time I needed rescuing. You came to my call when I needed you. I loved being around you. Even in silence. & even though the silence was okay, the sound of your voice made a lot of difference. And that's truly what I miss the most. Your voice. Everything about it. & it hurts to know I'll never hear you say Babygirl again. I'll always be your babygirl. I fucking miss you.. Krystopher is taking it day by day also. I guess you could say we really try to avoid getting wrapped up in the reality of it. He's mostly confused. You were here, and then you're not. He still needs you ... and I think he realizes that more than he did before. Why did this happen? I don't understand. I never imagined you'd be gone this soon. Especially before having the chance to experience being a grandfather. I don't feel anything, but then I do. Not like waves of grief, but exactly like an "on & off" switch. I miss you. & it's weird because in times like this, you are who I would call ... where are you? I dunno. Now I'm going everywhere with this ... I love you, Daddy. I know you are watching over us. I sense your presence every now and then. I know Ethan has a guardian angel & it's bittersweet to say that I'm grateful that it's you. I love you, Daddy. I miss you.