Jolene, I enjoyed reading your April Flowers it put a smile on my face and I am glad you are doing well.  Can't wait until this isolation is over, I need to get back to physical therapy. Sending you both hugs and love!!

It's been a while Honey.  Of course I think of you daily and enjoy our chit chats.  It's been 7 months and some light has come into my dark cave.  I joined a good support group a couple months ago.  Lesbian widows.  Pretty specific right?  That's what I wanted though, those who would understand a woman losing a woman.  Just different.  Many of these women remain in their dark caves many years after their loss.  I don't want that for me and I know you don't want that for me...as you told me many times.  So I'm working on it and feeling better.    

I visited Helly and Margo in February... before the virus Armageddon.  Of course it was wonderful to see them and Josephine...and talk about you. There were tears, but mostly laughs.  Jo did energy work on me and said you were standing in the room with her.  She said you kept saying 'I'm right here' like you were exasperated we couldn't see you.  Sounds like you.  Good to keep in touch with them.   Thanks for bringing them into my life.   

I keep in touch with Donovan and the Niecey poohs.  They are so good about sending me little messages all the time just to let me know they are there.  Especially Ashley.  She sends pics of the girls, so cute.    Andrea of course is her hilarious self.  The random English accent she does out of no where is my favorite. 

Donovan's B-day just passed.  He had fun in the snow with his buddies.  He always sends "love you" texts to me.  Awesome Bro.     

I had a great talk with Poppy last week.  I sent him the tackle box with lots of treats inside.  We had a laugh about that.  He was pretty damn hilarious about having to quarantine at his age.  Of course he had a joke about "senior hour"shopping" at Walmart and all the walkers in his way.     
Wendi is coming to visit next weekend...:)  She's been working out of the house since virus-ageddon so she's going to risk death to come drink wine with me on the deck.  Although, she did say I should really make a trip there and see the empty Vegas strip.  Apparently it's quite the site.   Going to Vegas without you feels sad.  I guess I'll need to do it at some point though, just like going to MN for the 1st time without you.         

Happy April Honey.

Sweetheart.  I celebrated my first Birthday without you a couple weeks ago.  It goes without saying I missed you.  I spent it with Brett and Annie in NYC.  First time taking that trip without you.  I supposed there will be a lot of “firsts” for a while.

I’ve been thinking about some of the “Lasts” we shared.  Like your Last Birthday.  Number 55.  We spent it at City of Hope.  It was a chemo day.  Same for our Last Anniversary together.   Number 19.  Another chemo day.  We made it fun though didn’t we?  Or should I say you made it fun somehow.  I was smiling to myself thinking about the old man you were sitting next to in the chemo waiting room.  It was your Birthday and the waiting room was jammed packed.  Lots of cancer going around apparently.  You were in your wheelchair, beautifully bald and full of piss & vinegar as usual. The old man sitting next to you looked like death warmed over... sad droopy face... staring at nothing.  You tried to rouse him back to life by asking him his name.  ‘William’ he replied.  You said, “Buck up William.  We live, we die, and we try to love as many women as we can in between."       Lol…shit.    William sort of perked up after that.   I wonder if he’s still kicking.

So, First Thanksgiving without you is right around the corner.  Several of our friends have invited me over, but I’m sticking with our tradition and staying home to cook.  Since I usually only made the bean casserole, I’ve got my work cut out for me.  The Mother and daughter staying in our guest house are joining me for the meal.  Turns out they are also Thanksgiving orphans so I invited them over and they accepted.  The 16 year old daughter is making pumpkin pie. Her first.:)  She’s doing some kind of chiffon thing on top of the pie so it ought to be interesting... I mean delicious. I bought a pretty big turkey.  Maybe too big.  I have a feeling the cats are going to get a lot of turkey treats this year.

I’ve been a bit down in the dumps lately.  Can’t seem to shake it.  Maybe it’s the Holiday blues thing.  Or maybe the spouse dying of cancer thing.  People have sent some pretty good books that I’m not reading like:   “It’s ok Not to be ok.” ...“The grieving we don’t talk about”...“How to get over loss and start living again"    The Hospice people keep offering me grief counseling, but you know me, talking to a stranger about my deepest sorrow is akin to putting needles in my eyes.      So…here I am writing to you as my grief therapy.  I might as well since I think about you all the time.  I miss kissing you.  I miss holding hands. I miss talking to you about all the little things that go on in our lives.   Tell me Sweetheart…are you ringing those chimes Wendi made you to get my attention?  If so, I want you to know I’m listening.  What a beautiful sound they make. Heavenly.

I’ll be back to give you an update on how I did cooking our Thanksgiving Turkey for the first time.  I'll miss you.