2011 was a year of hope for me.  On April 3rd, 2011, I got a positive on a pregnancy test after many, many, many months of negative results!  I was estatic to be pregnant with my rainbow baby! 

I was also very scared because I wasn't the innocent and naive pregnant mommy that I had been in the past, I knew a lot of things could go wrong in the next 8 months.  I chose to put those fears in the back of my mind and just enjoy each week I was given with this rainbow baby.  The first thing I did was give her a name, Hope, because she was the hope of bringing home an alive baby, the hope of being pregnant again, and the hope to help heal some of the pain that Janessa's death had left behind.  Every morning and night I would pat my tummy and have little chit chats with baby Hope.  Everything was going great, we celebrated Easter when I was 8 weeks along and I had bought a little teddy bear that I was going to use when I was almost 12 weeks along on my birthday to announce to my other children that we were going to have a baby.  I secretly took pictures of Hope and Janessa's teddy bears together with all the kid's Easter Baskets. 

When I reached 9 weeks I had planned to go in to have my first obgyn appointment, unfortunately before I had a chance to schedule that appointment I started lightly spotting.  I called my doctors nurse and she wanted me to come in immediately and have an ultrasound.  Those words brought instant flashback and fear to Janessa's birthday March 9th, when I was told the same thing.  I completely freaked out on the way to the doctors office.  I kept praying and praying over and over that they would find a heartbeat and that everything would be okay and that this would be different than with Janessa.  The appointment did not go well, after the ultrasound they told me they thought either I had messed up my dates and it was too soon to see the baby or I was in the process of a miscarriage.  They sent me home with this little collection container with the words either you'll miscarry this week and put eveything into this little jar or everything will turn out okay and we'll do a followup ultrasound next week.  That was the worst week of my life!!!  Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I only lightly spotted so I built up hope that everything was going to be okay.  I reasoned with myself that surely God would save my baby--He wouldn't take another one of my children away from me where I had already gone through the devastation of losing Janessa only a year ago would He?  Unfortunately His plan was different from mine again.  On Friday I started to bleed heavily and I had cramping.  By Saturday when I reached a complete 10 weeks with my baby I miscarried her that day and on Sunday, which was Mothers Day, I miscarried everything that was left.  It was NOT a good mother's day present.  I only got to wear pregnancy clothes once.  I left the Doctors office the next day empty-handed and broken hearted AGAIN. 

I saw a sign that said HOPE=after the storm comes the rainbow.  That's what I thought my little Hope Abigail was supposed to be, my blessed rainbow baby not another angel baby and another hole in my heart.  I think I was prepared to loose Hope anywhere from 18 weeks to 40 weeks because I felt like I knew what to do differently if it happened again.  I was not prepared to loose her as an early miscarriage before I had a chance to hear her heartbeat or feel her kick or see her on an ultrasound. I was so looking forward to all of that.  I was not prepared to loose her so early and have absolutely nothing to show for her but my pregnancy test and my tears.  I feel cheated and so very alone.  Her miscarriage sent be spiraling back on my grief journey to the very beginning again.  I have lost my identity of who I am.  I have lost my faith and trust in Heavenly Father.  Loosing 2 babies has hurt me to the very core of my soul.  Every day I fight to remember the faith I once had, I fight to stay above the deep waters of depression that wants to suck me in, I fight to just live in a normal world when I feel like my world has gone completely out of control.  I know I am a daughter of God and that He Loves me and wants to help me through this.  I know His plan for my life can be and is much better than anything I could ever plan--I am just so very lost right now.   I hope that one day I can find that strength and faith and trust that I once had.  I hope one day that I can begin to move forward on the grief journey again with my two little angels watching over me and helping me.  I look forward to the day when I can see and hold my angel babys, Janessa & Hope again!

March is now a month of remembrance in our family. A tragic event has led to many acts of kindness towards our family. Our beautiful baby, Janessa, who was to be born Easter Sunday, April 4th, 2010, quietly passed away a month early before she took her 1st breath.
     
We had been doing a countdown and once I got to 36 weeks, only 4 more weeks to go, our whole family was excited to welcome a new baby.   Shock is the only way to describe our feelings when we were told our baby had passed away after a quick ultrasound to find out why I wasn't feeling any movement. We felt like our whole world had caved in on us. All our hopes, dreams, and plans were instantly ripped away. There is a saying that behind the clouds the sun is still shinning. Even in our darkest hour the sun rays of kindness began to poke through in the most simple of acts, such as a nurse who let us take the whole Kleenex box, another nurse who met us at the door and hugged me and let me cry on her shoulder, and our obgyn who cried with us and offered us empathy, compassion and support.           

As I sat in labor and delivery just staring at the empty walls and watching the clock tick slowly by and the rain fall heavily outside the window, I felt very empty inside. As I watched the rain fall I felt like the heavens were weeping with us. At sunset, we saw a beautiful double rainbow outside the window. We felt this was a gift of kindness from Heavenly Father telling us he loved us and that everything would be okay.      

After Janessa was born, I wept not with the joy of the miracle of life like I had with my other babies, but with sorrow for a life that would never begin.        

Our labor and delivery nurses at the Hospital were amazing! They stood by us, comforted us, and educated us on a delivery that was not what we had hoped for. My last labor and delivery nurse, Shelly, was an earthly angel helping me to cope.  She treated Janessa with such care and love. We experienced the kindness of strangers who had donated books, pamphlets, blankets, baby clothes, and a beautiful angel figurine to help us cope with our loss.       

Like the bright rays of a sunrise penetrating the dark night, there were many acts of kindness and tender mercies that have helped to restore our hope again.        I will never "get over" the death of my precious angel, Janessa, but, I will learn to live with and accept her death and add it to the fabric of my life.  I can already feel the strength and changes her death has brought into my life.  I have HOPE and JOY because I know that I am a Child of God and that I can trust His plan for my life even though I don't understand it at times, and I know that I will see my precious Janessa again.       

So yes, I said hello and goodbye at my daughter's birth, but I look forward to the day when I will say hello and never goodbye again.