ForeverMissed
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HOPE

October 16, 2013

HOPE

is not pretending that troubles don't exist.

It's trust that they will not last forever, that hurts will be healed and difficulties overcome.

It is faith that a source of strength and renewal lies within

to lead us through the dark to the sunshine.

Janessa's Little Angel Brother

October 16, 2013

On 10/10/2013 Janessa's little brother Jason Nephi slipped quickly and quietly out of our lives and joined her and Hope Abigail in Heaven due to miscarriage at 12 weeks.  I was so looking forward to his due date 4/25/2014 because it would have been right between Janessa and Hope's angel birthdays and been such a healing moment.  I looked forward to feeling him kick and move, seeing him in more detail on an ultrasound, holding him alive when he was born and hearing his first crys and seeing him open his eyes. 

One thing I did get is I got to see him twice on an ultrasound and see his little heart beating.  The first time I felt Janessa and Hope in the ultrasound room with us as the doctor found Jason's heartbeat and I burst into tears because it was such a healing moment!   

I wish I had gotten more time with this baby, but, like my other 2 angel babies I know that all of their missions in life are over even though it was such a short time.  They just needed a body and a little time to experience life and they are here to teach me lessons that have been hard for me to learn.  I am so grateful for all 9 of my children.  God has just given me 6 living kids to raise on earth and now 3 angels to raise during the millennium.


I don't understand why God has chosen to take another one of my children and left me with 3 holes in my heart.  I feel empty, heart broken and grief stricken to loose another precious baby, but, I am NOT distraught.  I know where my babies are and I have hope!  :`)

The Pain of Losing a Child

August 6, 2013

Sometimes the pain of losing a child is so bad that we feel like throwing in the towel and giving up. It hurts too much to face each day without our child. However, we know that to stop living is to stop honoring our child, and so we cry, scream, sob, have meltdowns, and in the end, we face a new day praying that somehow, some way we will make it through. Hour by hour, minute by minute......sometimes that's all we can do. Child loss is a forever pain in the center of our heart that doesn't go away! It's the most piercing, gnawing, constant, lingering pain that will not go away. Every thought we have is wrapped in the pain of child loss!-Silent Grief--Clara Hinton

Helping Those Who Grieve

June 24, 2013

The Grieving carry a heavy load.  You can add to it by judging, criticizing and forgetting, or you can help carry it for a while by listening, supporting and remembering.  Which will you choose?
 

Sometimes we need someone to simply be there  . . . Not to fix anyting or do anything in particular, but just to let us feel we are supported and cared about.   

Gone But Not Forgotten

June 24, 2013

Gone, but not forgotten,
 although we are apart, God has you in his keeping, I have you in my Heart. <3 <3 

Grief

February 28, 2013
People tend to think you can pack away the pain of losing a child like you pack up things and put them in storage. It can't be done! Grieving the loss of a child is a life-long journey of pain. It began the moment our child died, and the journey doesn't end until we meet again in heaven. We're traveling this journey without a map. There is no tour guide. It's a journey we never wanted to take, and we hate every step of the journey. Yet, here we are, on this new road without directions and feeling so lost. What do we need other than our child (which we know we can't have back)? We need somebody -- anybody -- to help support us as we travel through the painful unknown! Just somebody to stick by our side and walk along with us! It's the most painful feeling in the world to miss your child with all of your heart and to know that nothing will ever fill that empty place! (Silent Grief.com)

What Makes A Mother

December 7, 2012

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one

Grief and Acceptance

December 2, 2012

This isn't Temporary! This isn't going to go away! I can't fix this! There is no cure for this! This is permanent! I have to accept this!

That is my life.  I keep fighting the reality of Janessa and Hope's deaths, it is so wrong, it is so awful, it is so sad, it makes me so angry, it is so unfair--but it is the reality of my life--I have to accept it! I have to be able to live with it even though I don't want to and it seems too hard. I have to make something good come out of this tragedy that has occurred!  

A Pair of Shoes

November 20, 2012
A Pair of Shoes   I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes.   Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them.   I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. to truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. but, once you put them on, you can never take them off.   I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.   No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am.   I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.   Author Unknown

PinWheels From Heaven

November 20, 2012

In March of 2010 I had a stillborn baby girl named Janessa.  The past 2 years have been the hardest of my life.  Every month as an "Angel" b-day would pass I would grieve for my baby that should be reaching milestones like rolling over, crawling, talking, walking, etc.  I decided to start celebrating her "Monthly Angel" b-days by putting a pinwheel out in my flower garden to represent the number of months she had been in Heaven.  This gave me something to look forward to each month. 

Now that we have reached her 12 month "Angel B-day" I had put all 12 of my pinwheels outside.  I was feeling kind of sad thinking about how at the end of the month I would be taking these pinwheels down and then I would only have 1 left to represent her 1 year "Angel" b-day which I would now add to only on a yearly basis.  I have loved seeing my daughters name written out in different ways from other Mommy of Angels and I decided that I would like to reach out to Mommy of Angels and write their Angel Baby's name on a pinwheel to place in my pinwheel garden along with my Angel Baby's pinwheel. 

In 2011 I miscarried my rainbow baby, Hope Abigail, at 10 weeks into my pregnancy.  My flower garden is now Janessa and Hope's Pinwheel Garden and I like to think that when the wind blows that it is our angels saying hello.


Visit   http://pinwheelsfromheaven.blogspot.com/  to see the pinwheel pictures of the over 100 angel babies that are Janessa and Hope's Angel Friends.

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