ForeverMissed
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His Life

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY BROTHER

March 1, 2015

This is the second anniversary of my passing ,and like mom I am sure you are hurting, so I think this is the best time to say what needs to be said.
I LOVE YOU BRO, always did, always will.Had your back from the moment I saw you in the little crib in Hackensack hospital nursery,even though I thought the little black baby was you.LOL What did I know!!!! you all looked the same and I was only 2 1/2 years old.Well we brought you home and you were here to stay.There wasn't much we could do together as it seemed all you did was eat, sleep, and poop and not necessarily in that order.Life was ok with a little brother.
 Then you grew and as you grew you did things that your dad did not believe you did so I caught the punishment,I still loved you. Mom and "Dad" divorced and you went with him every weekend except for once a month you stayed with me and mom.I loved you every time you came home with new toys and new clothes and new places you were taken to even though I did not understand why mom had to keep me home. Now I am getting old enough to understand. I was not his blood.It was easier for him to blame me for things that you did yet I never stopped loving you.Life continued and mom was dumb enough to take him back (sorry mom).She truly believed he changed.Well for the first year all was cool,then it started again. The orders,demands,anger and fists.Mom was at work the last time I took a beating for you.Fred was roughing you up for something you did and I told him to stop and find someone his own size to pick on. Well I wasn't near as big as him but by the time mom got home I had handprints on my neck and was what they call catatonic.Mom could not get through to me on any level yet I still loved you.
 We have been through a lot as brothers so I guess I can ask this now.Do you know how I felt being abandoned by my biological father? Did you know how I felt seeing how Fred felt about you as a blood child?Do you know what it is like to feel as though you are on the outside looking in?This was my life and drugs made me forget all the stuff that as a child was too much to handle, yet I still loved you.I loved you even when I got busted for trying to help you hock some stuff. I'm sure you will remember. Scott we had some good times and some really bad. There were times we were not liking each other much but the love was still there.Mom was always telling me not to be so angry with you cause if she died we would only have each other. I died Scott and I did not have a chance to say good-bye or to tell you one last time that I love you.
So please accept this now, and it come from the heart. I love you bro, for now and forever. Love does not die.I hope as time passes, your grief eases up some and you can remember the good times that we shared. I also want to thank you for all that you did for me during the worse time of my life. Be happy and remember how short life can be. Gotta go have a hot "angel" waiting for me.lol Spanish blood. Until we meet again Love DAR (JAY).

PS. Please these are my words. I asked mom that last weekend we spent together if she would tell you this if anything should happen to me. I left it up to Mom when the best time to tell you would be and knowing mom I am sure she tried many times before now to get all this out. It's really hard on her. I was the needy one and mom always needs to feel needed.It gives her purpose.Bye.     

LIFE CONTINUES OR DOES IT?

January 27, 2015

I started with smoking pot again in my 27th year and it ended with a needle in my shin before 29. I unleashed the demon all over again and when I was 28 I was smoking crack and mainlining heroin like I never missed a beat. Drugs were my MASTER and I their faithful servant slave.
29 ,I lost my awesome job with Audi because of my coke use, so I applied for unemployment and moved to Knoxville Tn.I soon learned you could shoot up oxycodone,so my days of street copping heroin were over......or so I thought.My brother was 10 years sober when he showed up on my doorstep to take me home.I was 33 years old and and now addicted to Morphine and methaphetamines. He drove me straight to detox and I wish I could say it was the end. 2 Detoxes,2 rehabs and a handful of words later and I am sober again.10/31/11 is my sober date and the rest of the story has yet to be written.

I beat you. I beat you. I finally gave up the good fight in order to win it. I BEAT YOU..................BUT DID I? 

AND AWAY WE GO.

January 18, 2015

It was cold in Dec,snow was on the ground and so was my life.The 23rd of the month and I was sick from not having my dope for a few days.It was an awful feeling,like having the flu but eight million times worse. Time to go for the how plus? trip to get my fix.I had forty bucks and so did my dopehead brother. Eighty dollars and a ride so we were set.Needless to say that would be the last time I breathed  free air for the next few years.We got caught in a highspeed chase down interstate 80. I went to jail that day on a VOP no bail. My brother got released ROR and skipped state down to Knoxville Tenn.I went to kick dope in KDCF. I was resentenced in March to a four year prison bid. I was 23 when I came home on parole.I would spend the next 5 years sober in A.A. 24 years old and I already had 2 years sober and worked through the 12 steps.I had a great girlfriend and my daughter in my life. I was a normal human being for the first time in a long long time. I had a nice apartment with my girlfriend. Life kicked ass. Wow life kicked ass. If only I stayed that way I wouldn't have lost it all, but the needle has a way of getting in your head and it felt like an awesome idea at the time........................still more to come.

CONTINUATION OF MY 18TH YEAR

December 9, 2014

I was an 18 year old IV drug user.I couldn't hold a job or a girlfriend for  longer than 3 weeks. I used everyone and everything. It seemed as though my life was running out fast and slow all at the same time.18 is the first year I was in jail,it is also the year I met my wife. I thought she was going to save me.I needed to be saved. I was a hot mess and she was my shining light.
19 came and went.
  I was 20 and became a father for the first time,and I still didn't get clean.I tried  many times with meetings and rehabs but only ran even harder every time I relapsed. Then BOOM........I got my first drug charge.It was an attempt by something to stop me but my will is very powerful.I got caught with heroin in Sparta, not a place to be caught with dope. I was placed on probation and I laughed at the thought. NOTHING could stop me now.Next stop 1999.

18

August 26, 2014

18 years old........
so began the warzone.My mom learned of this thing called tough love.Threw me out when I came home high. Lived on the street for months,did anything I could to continue to get high. This was not living...................

THE DECLINE

August 21, 2014

Sixteen years old I dropped acid,smoked angel dust,did XTC, smoked crack and snorted heroin.Drugs now had complete control over my very being. I couldn't function unless I was under the influence of some substance. The days I couldn't get high were very bad days.The days I could were very good days. It was all fun and games to me. I knew I was an addict and was ok with that. My life was going nowhere fast.
  By 17 I was balls deep in it. I dropped out of high school and was making 3 trips a day into NYC to buy crack cocaine.I weighed 100 lbs soaking wet.I did whatever  I had to do to get my fix, and did whatever was put on the table.I robbed and pilaged many people including my own mother. I wasn't scared and it was never enough. My life was in a full spiral downward into oblivion................MORE TO FOLLOW.
 
Message from mom-not a pretty picture is it?

All my Firsts

August 7, 2014

I broke my ankle when I was 14. It was the first age I smoked pot,the first age I had sex, the first age I drank and the age I was when I went to my first AA meeting.I made lifelong friends and others I never saw again.Some went on to bigger better things,some simply passed away.
  At 15 I started smoking pot again,no big deal right? "WRONG" Gateway drug! I stayed with smoking pot for almost a year and then I dropped my first hit of acid........This basically is the beginning...

WARZONE

July 28, 2014

Hi my name is Jason.I am a drug addict and this is my story.
 He pushed the plunger down and said "that's it you're done".I fell back against the wall in that Jersey City train tunnel. The warm rush overtook my body as if to say "GOTCHA". How stereotypical to be in a train tunnel my first time. My hearing sounded with a big boom and my heart sped out of rythym and control.I felt my stomache turn but I fought the urge to toss my cookies. I then got the waa-hoos in my head and my vision went blurry.As my hearing came back to normal,I felt another hot rush overtake my very soul.As my vision came back to me I started to feel itchy all over my body.My stomache turned again, but this time I couldn't fight it. The contents of the past few hours was now all over the railroad tracks. 
 I was 18 years old,and a speedball of cocaine and heroin was the first thing I put in my arm.I was in Love! The thing about this love is that I would become a slave to the needle as I was already a slave to heroin. It was my master,my god,my everything.....my lover,my ALL.................TO BE CONTINUED.  

Something different

July 22, 2014

The next few chapters are not my words.As Jason's mom it is natural that I would want people to remember him in a positive way.It is not realistic on my part.Jason fought demons for a large part of his life.Many of you know and many of you judged.I am going to open my son's life for all to peruse.Some people will understand ,some people will see themselves in his story, others will cry, yet others will just shake their head and say"he had a choice".All I am asking is keep an open mind. Jason was not always an addict,but like all of us......he was an imperfect human..........................TO BE CONTINUED.

Flash forward

July 22, 2014

I thought I would be able to continue with this , yet I find it difficult to extract the memories from deep within my mind.There will come a time as the grief eases, when I can share Jay's life with everyone.To all the people who knew him from day 1 to all who entered his life along the 35 years, there are so many stories.Is there no one willing to share? Jason was not perfect, but he touched a lot of lives,whether he made you laugh,cry,angry,happy,or sad. There is a story to be told.Please feel free to tell it.I for one will greatly appreciate it. 

I need time.

April 30, 2014

I am so sorry to anyone waiting for the next chapter. I have hit a low spot and cannot continue yet. I promise I will get this going again soon.Have patience with me.

What in the world?

February 1, 2014

I am keeping this chapter hopefully short and sweet.Jason's birth was not the only event worth noting in 1977.So here is a little history.In 1977 the Oakland Raiders beat the Minnesota Vikings winning the superbowl.The NY Yankees beat the LA Dodgers to take the World Series. Noteworthy news Apple introduces the Apple ll.
NY experiences a blackout.Elvis died.
On a lighter note, we were watching 3's Company,Happy Days and LaVerne and Shirley on TV.Top book was JR Tolkien's Silmarillion, the very begining to the Hobbit trilogy.Jimmy Carter was our president (heck he grew peanuts) and the US gave Panama control of the Canal.Gee did 99 years go by that fast? The best of 1977 was the release of Star Wars in the theaters. Jay I knew there was a connection there............TO BE CONTINUED.

November 1976-August 1977

December 29, 2013

Ok it is now December and I know that my life is about to change drastically.I went to the dr and had my pregnancy confirmed.Although you were just a spark ,you had a profound effect on me.My body felt different as you started the journey of growth. I must say that the pounds just kept pouring on as you continued to grow.I guess it is safe to say that my pregnancy progressed without incident.I remember the first time you kicked and all the times you had the hic-coughs.I grew  as you grew,and pop-pop offered to install a crane to lift me off the sofa,lol. I prayed that there was only 1 of you in there, was afraid if I got any bigger I would explode.Time moved swiftly and I got use to the idea that it was going to be just you and me kid,which wasn't such a bad thing.I will admit I was kind of scared not knowing what labor was all about,which is natural. So now we fast forward to the morning of 8/19 and early it was.Woke at 5am with these funny little twitches and lower back pain. Grandma made me a cup of tea and wanted me to go to the hospital then.Well we took our time and finally agreed sometime in the afternoon.It was quite sometime till you decided to make your entrance into the cold cruel world, and when you did I knew that I had experienced the greatest joy of my life.I worried that you would be born with your fathers hair so when the mid-wife said I have a beautiful baby boy my first question was "what is his hair like" she laughed and said "there is no hair,he is bald" and bald you stayed for almost the full 1st year.So there you are,no longer a little speck but a fully developed little human being about to begin a very long journey called life................TO BE CONTINUED.

In the beginning

December 27, 2013

If truth be told I would have to go back to November of 1976. Your father was preparing to leave for Miami, Florida, basically ending a 5 year relationship with moi.Well you know how things go and a kiss goodbye led to other things and bam the deed was done. You see maybe I wasn't playing fair but I so wanted to be a mom but not a wife. As he used me, I in turn used him, and a month later I did the rabbit in.Old timers will know what I mean.There is the start of your life. One tiny little fishy made it through the egg......................TO BE CONTINUED.