The wedding and marriage of our son Andrew to his beloved Amy on January 5, 2019 was, is and will be a time of great rejoicing! So much love, so much God in the midst of it all. And yet, tucked away safely in God’s hands is the part of my heart that still misses Jason, feels his absence, longs to have him there, knows he would be thrilled for Andrew and would love Amy as much as we all do. And my gracious, loving Father meets me there. Here is an example of how God has specifically met me in the collision of joy and grief…

Hey J, I am sure you know this - but your friends may not.  Just like she did at your memorial service, your mom opened a very special service at Bethany on Palm Sunday with a solo ...

and then she also spoke for part of the sermon!  Your friends can listen to it here.

https://soundcloud.com/user-439334734/20170409b

I know you are really proud of her - and so are we!

We all miss you.  Happy birthday!

Kevin 

Happy Birthday Jason

Jason, 25 years ago I had no idea you’d be born on April 12. Your due date was April 22. But, then again, you’ve always been ahead of your time. You were born early, you walked early, you talked early... You were 5 going on 10, 10 going on 16, 16 going on 24 and 24 going on to heaven, still ahead of your time.

While you may have been determined to be born 10 days early, you took your sweet time arriving that day. Dad and I went to the hospital early in the morning. Andrew spent the day with Gary and Vicki Seibert. The nurse called it false labor…I think it was your first prank!

The doctor kept saying that if you were not born by 5:00pm he would induce labor; I refused. I knew you’d arrive when you were ready. I knew you’d do it on your own. The doctor kept telling me I’d be too exhausted to deliver you if he didn’t intervene. He clearly didn’t know you or me!

When you finally arrived at 6:12 and I held you in my arms, I was filled with the most overwhelming sense of peace I had ever known. It was like ocean waves just washing over me again and again. Just amazing! I think God knew I’d need that sense of peace, His peace that passes all understanding, through the many tears, joys and challenges of motherhood. He knew I’d need that sense of peace to get through your many exploits, adventures, trips to the emergency room and yes, April Fool’s Day pranks.

Oh, my sweet Jason, I said hello early and now I find I am saying goodbye too early. Grieving your death is the biggest and hardest challenge.  Yet, while I am heartbroken, confused and often angry, that same sense of peace I felt 25 years ago mixes and mingles with all of those feelings and I find God’s comfort as I grieve.

I love you Big J.

Mom

The heart is amazing. Or maybe it's the soul or my brain...whatever. Maybe it's really all about a God who loves me desperately and provides exactly what I need in order to keep going. 

It's December 18, 2016. How can it be 22 months since you left me? Time is speeding by and yet in many ways it still seems like yesterday. I am glad it wasn't yesterday. Oh, the passing of time doesn't change the fact that I can't see that beautiful smile, or hear your booming laughter. I still so desperately long to! It doesn't change the fact that Christmas will come and go and your stocking will be empty. It doesn't change the fact that I hear the drums playing in a song and I cry because you will forever be my favorite drummer boy.
Gratefully, the passing of time does change my ability to be more in the moment in spite of the never ending pain. I am now more adept at living life with my wounded heart. And really, I have to be because God still has work for me to do!

I know people who have lost loved ones and they can't find joy...they can't find hope. And a deep place in my heart wonders if that means I love you less? But then I realize that I have a personal relationship with a God who loves me so well. He provides a comfort that passes all understanding for my soul. He provides the J's that remind me that He is holding you and that I am not alone in my pain. He provides friends who let me talk about you...who say your name and remember you well. It helps...oh it helps more than I can put into words.
 
A week from now the Christmas Eve stew table will be missing you and 2 other people! Bryden McGhee and Kelsey McGhee are in Australia. They are where they belong. I am grateful Andrew will be with us! He is where he belongs...my heart is and will be at peace and will be sad at the same time, as I consider what I don't have at exactly the same moment that I praise God for what I do have. The heart is amazing. The God in my heart...even more amazing! I love you and miss you my little drummer boy!

April 12, 2016 - Jason would be 27 today. I would have had my students call him and yell, "Happy birthday Jason!" , as I often had them do with all my 3 guys. Today there will be no phone call. My heart is heavier than I imagined it would be 2 years later. I really thought today would be easier. Yet, instead, as I think of the passing of time my heart squeezes so tight into a knot I am caught off guard by the fact that it's actually able to keep beating.

We sang on Easter Sunday:
"How deep the Father's love for us 
How vast beyond all measure 
That He should give His only Son 
To make a wretch His treasure"

I can't imagine willingly giving up either of my children for anyone. 
I am in awe of a God that would love me so much He would do that for me! (I know me!)

It would be easy to be angry at that same God for not healing my son of a condition we weren't even aware of. For not giving us more time together! It would be easy to be so angry I'd shut my heart off to Him. He raised Lazarus, after all. Why not my son?!

But in these past 2 years, there have been so many love notes from Him. So many times I've heard Him speaking to me and saying, "I'm here with you! You are NOT alone. I am holding you" and surprisingly, oh, so very surprisingly, it is enough.

Yes, there are still days when the tears flow ALL day. This week has brought many of those days! There are many times when I am angry, confused, rebellious, hurt...I know God can handle that, so I try to give it all to Him.

But there are more moments when I feel His presence so BIG in my heart, my head, and my life that I just simply can't deny His goodness and my heart is at peace even in the midst of the pain.

Happy birthday, Jason  

2 years ago today I woke up filled with a happy anticipation. I had already missed about a week of school due to the snow and this day, February 18, 2014, began with a 2 hour delay and the lingering memory of Jason stopping by the house the night before. He was so happy - loving his job, loving life. Just before he left me, I hugged him so tightly! "I love you bud" may have been the last thing I said to him.

That morning, a friend and I were sending each other texts and commenting on the slow ease back into work. I sent another friend a message offering to pray with her that night about an issue that had been especially challenging. So much joy and promise in the day that was ahead of me. I couldn't know what was to come and actually, what had already happened. Yet, it would be such a short time later that my world and my heart would shatter.

February 18, 2014 began with a joyful anticipation.  That same day 2 years later is so different, and here's what I've noticed.

I have been anticipating this day now for different reasons. The grieving mind does funny things. Now, I look back on the days leading up to Jason's death and I am struck by the innocence of not knowing what was ahead and it brings me to tears and makes me nauseous at the same time.

I see the days before the 18th (Christmas Eve stew and a beautiful service at church; the Christmas morning movie (Saving Mr. Banks) and waffles for breakfast; New Years day with Jason asleep with his head on my lap; I got a big thumbs up for the cozy pajamas I found for my 3 guys...) and my mind keeps trying to press the "pause button" so I can freeze time. I don't want February 18 to arrive again. It's like I am watching a horror movie that I've seen before (the kind where you yell at the actress, "Don't open that door!") and I want to stop the evil that I now know is hiding behind the door. You see, my brain tells me that if February 18th never gets here then maybe, just maybe, Jason will still be here. (I told you, the grieving mind does funny things!)

I continue to see grief as a collision of 2 realities - God's goodness and how He loves and comforts me is real, and true and so very good. Yet, just as real is the immense sorrow and sadness that grips my heart and sucks the air out of my lungs. I do my best to live balanced between these 2 worlds.

The truth is I still anticipate time with family and friends. There is so much laughter and love in my life. But now, I anticipate February 18 with tears. And because of that, I anticipate heaven with a longing, a wistfulness, and a hopefulness that I simply didn't fully understand before.

I miss you bud! 

“Happy” birthday? I guess we never just say “birthday” Isn’t there some law that says April 12 should be set aside or skipped over or something? Yet, I so want to honor you…to honor our relationship – the part of our relationship that began long before the world ever knew who you were. The part of our relationship that is just yours and mine…when I carried you inside my womb…and no one and nothing else (except God of course) had any access to you? No one felt you kick the way I did…no one else had your heart beating inside of them. It was just you and me. I do want to honor that…that time before I frustrated you and you frustrated me! Haha….

The day we were in the funeral parlor looking at your sweet face, I cried and asked, “How, oh how, do you say goodbye to someone you gave birth to?” And that is the way our relationship was so unique... unlike your relationship with anyone else. I gave birth to you. It doesn’t make our relationship better than your relationship with anyone else in the world, but it does make it different and in that difference so very special.

So today is your birthday and I find that I am having a hard time breathing again. The sense of dread, the part of me that marks the time by the number of minutes, seconds and breaths since you’ve been gone resisted this day arriving. It’s so different than how I felt 26 years ago when I woke up and every  day held a special kind of promise…the kind of promise each mother-to-be holds in their hearts and thoughts…“I wonder what he will look like? I wonder what he will be when he grows up?  I can’t wait to see him!”

Now, 26 years later, instead of all the promise and the expectation that came with waking up…I have an ache, a sorrow, a sadness that (while it will eventually dull from an all-encompassing and overwhelming – “I can hardly think or breathe and really do I have to get out of bed and pretend I care about anything” to being "just barely manageable but I am getting so much better at faking it most days") will never fully go away this side of heaven.

Then I wonder, would I do it all again, just to have you for almost 25 years and then to have to let you go? The answer of course is,  “yes”.

I would go through all of this again just to see your smile, just to smell your cologne when I hugged you…just to hear you playing your drums, or your guitar…just to hear you laugh…just to hear you say, “What are you talking about!?” Just to hear you say, “April Fools!” Just to hear you say, “Oh, mommy, your nails look so pretty!”, “Can I have 3 cookies” (Emphasis on the 3 since I had only offered 2) Just to see your shoes in the entry way…your dirty glasses all over the house…

You were worth it my sweet boy. You were worth all of this pain. You were worth every sleepless night then, and now. Every tear, every heart ache…every argument…every…every…all….

So it’s April 12, 2015, and I will keep breathing and moving forward…and keeping on…BUT that’s because I know the secret. I know the magic of our relationship! I literally have the inside scoop…I was your mother long before the world knew you or about you. For that I am eternally grateful and richly blessed…for that, my heart aches and breaks in a way that no one else’s could.

Happy birthday Jason…I can’t wait to see you!

...and to think I almost missed it!

As I went out walking again today, my thoughts quickly turned to Jason as I listened to the following words:

I could just sit
I could just sit and wait for all Your goodness
Hope to feel Your presence...
And I could just stay
I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel You
Hope to feel something again

I imagined Jason in heaven...what was he doing, is he really ok? My mommy heart cried out, "Dear Lord, the love notes you send really touch my heart. If you could just please send me something to let me know Jason really is doing ok. Something that just says, 'J'."

As I continued to walk I looked up at the houses, and the flowers and trees, and down at the road in front of my feet. Hot and tired, I began to head home and suddenly stopped. Is that really what I saw? How did I not notice? I quickly retraced my steps just to be sure I wasn't imagining things...but there it was...my love note. Exactly what I had asked for..."something to let me know Jason is doing ok. Something that just says , 'J'".

...and to think I almost missed it! Help me Lord to pay attention when I pray so I don't miss your blessings and love notes!

Happy Birthday Jason

Jason, 25 years ago I had no idea you’d be born on April 12. Your due date was April 22. But, then again, you’ve always been ahead of your time. You were born early, you walked early, you talked early... You were 5 going on 10, 10 going on 16, 16 going on 24 and 24 going on to heaven, still ahead of your time.

While you may have been determined to be born 10 days early, you took your sweet time arriving that day. Dad and I went to the hospital early in the morning. Andrew spent the day with Gary and Vicki Seibert. The nurse called it false labor…I think it was your first prank!

The doctor kept saying that if you were not born by 5:00pm he would induce labor; I refused. I knew you’d arrive when you were ready. I knew you’d do it on your own. The doctor kept telling me I’d be too exhausted to deliver you if he didn’t intervene. He clearly didn’t know you or me!

When you finally arrived at 6:12 and I held you in my arms, I was filled with the most overwhelming sense of peace I had ever known. It was like ocean waves just washing over me again and again. Just amazing! I think God knew I’d need that sense of peace, His peace that passes all understanding, through the many tears, joys and challenges of motherhood. He knew I’d need that sense of peace to get through your many exploits, adventures, trips to the emergency room and yes, April Fool’s Day pranks.

Oh, my sweet Jason, I said hello early and now I find I am saying goodbye too early. Grieving your death is the biggest and hardest challenge.  Yet, while I am heart broken, confused and often angry, that same sense of peace I felt 25 years ago mixes and mingles with all of those feelings and I find God’s comfort as I grieve.

I love you Big J.

Mom

Jason, I never realized exactly how much I loved you until February 18, 2014.
I guess I expected you to always be  here.

The last time I saw you was when Andrew graduateed from college. You and Andrew were sitting in the last row of seats in the van. I remember how you two teased me about the air conditioner. We bantered back and forth. Everything was said with a happy love.

Dear Jason, you were incapable of being mean or hurting anyone.  You were a beautiful, warm, caring  and joyful  spirit. Maybe that's why God called you home. Maybe heaven needed another bright spot.

I'm grateful that we hugged that last day. I miss you so much.

                                        Grandpa Nick
                                             


   
 

  .  

Some of my first friends in Maryland were Rick and Laura. In fact, Laura was one of the first women I met from Bethany, as she come to my apartment for a "home visit".  And I wasn't even a "head-start" student!  Our singles Bible study met at their apartment in Cantebury Riding.  Andrew and Jason were toddler and preschool age and just so darn CUTE!  Some of my favority pictures are of those two boys, and Jason's chubby cheeks. For Julia and Joseph, their fondest memories were from our carpooling days from First Baptist Christian School.  The most eventful day was when my car broke down, long before cell phones and text messaging.  I really counted on Jason to help me take care of the kids in that situation. And he went right into action, entertaining Julia and Joseph and making them laugh and not worry.  He was such a good helper and friend to them.  As parents, when Rick and Laura would attend worship rehearsal, they would take Andrea and Jason to practice with them. One time when Warren and I were talking to Rick and Laura about how they manage the boys being out late on school nights for worship practice.  They told us that one thing they did was to just put the boys to bed in their school clothes.  At that age, that consisted of shorts, sweatpants and t-shirts.  That was brilliant.  At that point, we thought they were genius parents!! So many memories.  Thank you for letting us be a part of your lives; you have all blessed us in so many ways and we are always here for you.  Much love and hugs; lots of hugs!  Rena and Family

Although we only knew Jason for a short while, our paths couldn’t have crossed at a better time. We are over protective parents of two and our youngest son happened to be one of Jason’s roommates. Our son decided to transfer from Frostburg to Towson University in the fall of 2013. After being unsuccessful securing on campus housing, my husband and I in panic mode, I repeat in PANIC MODE, began to assist our son in finding off campus housing. We met Jason after numerous trips from Anne Arundel County, visiting different properties and possible roommates that we along with our son felt comfortable with. Jason was like a breath of fresh air, it was something different about his handshake, his smile, his intelligence. WE WERE SOLD……

Mr. & Mrs. Mastroianni, we will continue to keep you and your family lifted in prayer. Continue to look to the hills from which your help WILL come.


Sherman & Erica Roy 

Jason was our neighbor. He was always kind and nice to us. In mid-December, he stopped by our house and asked what restaurant we liked. He wanted to treat us to a meal there. We had a great conversation about "Breaking Bad" and other shows. What a great guy. Such a loss. He will be missed.

The hardest thing about Rick and his family living so far away was not getting to see his family often. But we did share some visits when Andrew and Jason were young children. I remember there always being just a little bit of mischief in Jason as a little boy.

I had the opportunity to get to know him as an adult when my daughters got married. He and the rest of his family made the trip to California for all three of their weddings. He fit right in and became not only a close cousin but a dear friend to all of them. They developed a close bond even though they all lived 3000 miles apart.

The thing that always comes to my mind when I think of Jason is his smile. It was such a beautiful, genuine and contagious smile. You couldn't help but be happy in his presence.

Three days before his tragic passing I had the opportunity to see him while he was on a very short layover for his job. He rented a car and came to see his grandma and family members who were able to come on short notice. He was so happy and excited about his new job and all of the places he got to see. He had big plans for things he wanted to see. Little did any of us know that this would be our last opportunity to see him.

You touched my heart when we talked about Tristyn's Christmas gifts and the pressure you felt to make sure you chose the right thing and the jealousy your family had because you were the lucky one to get her name. Those gifts are still among her favorites. Everytime I see her play with her Princess Stable and when she cooks for me at her kitchen I think of you.

I am so proud of the man you became. I will miss your beautiful smile but now you are lighting up heaven with it. I know that Papa George was there to welcome you. Rest in Peace my dear nephew.

I'll love you always,
Aunt Carol

 

I have so many wonderful memories of my cousin, Jason!!  Even though we grew up across the country from each other, we were still such great friends!  I remember Jason as a little boy, so cute and sweet!!  I hadn't seen him in many years, but he came out with his family in June 2009 for my wedding.  We had such a great time together!  He then came out again in September 2011 for my sister's wedding, where our friendship grew even stronger.  We had so much fun hanging out together!  Finally, which brings me to my favorite memory of him was when he came out for my other sister's wedding in June 2012.  He was able to stay for awile and came to our house to celebrate Fourth of July!!  Jason brought us so much laughter and joy!  He not only LOVED spending time with my daughter, Tristyn, but we had so much fun lighting fireworks that night!  He totally took charge and put on a fireworks show for us!  It was such a blast!  It was a night filled with laughter and love! Little did I know that this was going to be the last time I ever saw my dear cousin in person!  I am so blessed to have FaceTimed him though shortly after Christmas.  We do a Secret Santa with my family and he was so excited he got Tristyn.  He bought her this Disney Princess Klip Klop toy she had wanted so badly so we FaceTimed so that he could see her playing with it and show him how much she loved it.  Seeing the joy on his face was priceless!! I miss you and love you so much, Jason!!

  I have two wonderful grandsons and I love them very much. When I left California and moved back to Pennsylvania I was able to visit them often. They were both still young. Andrew was the serious one and self-controlled. Jason was a free spirit with an easy smile and ready to give you a hug. He was also the Great Negotiator.
I present the following evidence.

 I took the boys to the dairy section of the supermarket ans told them to each  pick a gallon of their favorite ice cream. Andrew picked his. Not Jason.

 He looked at me and asked, "Can I pick three?"
 " Pick a gallon, Jason."
 "Can I pick two?"
 "One gallon, Jason"
He ran to the freezer and picked his ice cream. He was happy. 

 On another visit, the boys were into a series of books about youngsters who could morph into animals.  I took them to the bookstore and gave them each
twenty dollars. Andrew headed for the tables of books. Not Jason.

 He smiled and said,"If I had twenty-THREE dollars I could buy something really nice."
  "You have twenty dollars, Jason."
 "Twenty-TWO?"
 "Twenty, Jason."
   He turned and skipped off to find his treasure.

 I looked forward to his negotiations. He always tried, but never pouted when I didn't give in.

 Jason was always a joy to be with. The many pictures of him with his many friends tells the whole story. He gave me lots of  happy memories. 

  I love you, grandson.  And, Lord, thank you for beautiful gift that was (is) Jason.  
 
                              Grandpa Nick
                
           

    
    
   
   
   
.
       

I spent my first Christmas away from my family last year, and it was one of the hardest experiences of my life. However, they all got together as usual for Christmas Eve stew and recorded this video. I will miss hearing you sing my sweet brother. Love you Jason.