“Happy” birthday? I guess we never just say “birthday” Isn’t there some law that says April 12 should be set aside or skipped over or something? Yet, I so want to honor you…to honor our relationship – the part of our relationship that began long before the world ever knew who you were. The part of our relationship that is just yours and mine…when I carried you inside my womb…and no one and nothing else (except God of course) had any access to you? No one felt you kick the way I did…no one else had your heart beating inside of them. It was just you and me. I do want to honor that…that time before I frustrated you and you frustrated me! Haha….
The day we were in the funeral parlor looking at your sweet face, I cried and asked, “How, oh how, do you say goodbye to someone you gave birth to?” And that is the way our relationship was so unique... unlike your relationship with anyone else. I gave birth to you. It doesn’t make our relationship better than your relationship with anyone else in the world, but it does make it different and in that difference so very special.
So today is your birthday and I find that I am having a hard time breathing again. The sense of dread, the part of me that marks the time by the number of minutes, seconds and breaths since you’ve been gone resisted this day arriving. It’s so different than how I felt 26 years ago when I woke up and every day held a special kind of promise…the kind of promise each mother-to-be holds in their hearts and thoughts…“I wonder what he will look like? I wonder what he will be when he grows up? I can’t wait to see him!”
Now, 26 years later, instead of all the promise and the expectation that came with waking up…I have an ache, a sorrow, a sadness that (while it will eventually dull from an all-encompassing and overwhelming – “I can hardly think or breathe and really do I have to get out of bed and pretend I care about anything” to being "just barely manageable but I am getting so much better at faking it most days") will never fully go away this side of heaven.
Then I wonder, would I do it all again, just to have you for almost 25 years and then to have to let you go? The answer of course is, “yes”.
I would go through all of this again just to see your smile, just to smell your cologne when I hugged you…just to hear you playing your drums, or your guitar…just to hear you laugh…just to hear you say, “What are you talking about!?” Just to hear you say, “April Fools!” Just to hear you say, “Oh, mommy, your nails look so pretty!”, “Can I have 3 cookies” (Emphasis on the 3 since I had only offered 2) Just to see your shoes in the entry way…your dirty glasses all over the house…
You were worth it my sweet boy. You were worth all of this pain. You were worth every sleepless night then, and now. Every tear, every heart ache…every argument…every…every…all….
So it’s April 12, 2015, and I will keep breathing and moving forward…and keeping on…BUT that’s because I know the secret. I know the magic of our relationship! I literally have the inside scoop…I was your mother long before the world knew you or about you. For that I am eternally grateful and richly blessed…for that, my heart aches and breaks in a way that no one else’s could.
Happy birthday Jason…I can’t wait to see you!