What do I say to you? How many words can I write? I heard that a person needs to tell a story a few times before they are healed. I will never finish telling yours, just like I will never finish missing you. That's the way it should be I suppose. After all, a mother never stops loving the child she carried.
Some days it just all feels so wrong, because I'm still yours and your still mine, but we are just worlds apart. Some days the ache is numbing, almost like I have nothing to feel. Some days I sit on the floor whispering I'm sorry's and I miss you's hoping they travel up to you , hoping the angels will let you know how much you are still loved, and how much you always will be.
Some days I carry on like I never loved and lost. not because I want to but because I have to. Even on those days you are still in every thought, every feeling, every move.
You changed me entirely. Living life is different now. You made me richer than ever possible before. I learned that strength and courage arises when you experience a gut wrenching loss and cannot imagine carrying on. They say only in the darkness can you see the stars, and while I spent many, many times in the dark, I have always seen the stars more clearly in Bree and your eyes.
Someday I will no longer ache and that will be when we are all together again. When I can hold both of you in my arms. There will be no more pain, no more sadness. It will be the first day of forever for me. On that day all the year's of pain, all the excuses, all the cover ups for days when the tears wont stop falling. All those days will vanish.
Until that day I promise to find hope through heartache, to find joy through the sadness. To find strength through the weakness, to love even when it is hard to live.
This year has been pretty hard I think it is because of all the milestones you would be hitting this year. Going to kindergarten. Its so hard to believe you would be 5. So much time has passed, yet it feels like yesterday. There is no way this will ever get easier and I also learned time does not heal all wounds. I hope you have a wonderful birthday. I'm sure Grandma Galena is sure making a fuss for you. She always did for all of our special days. Hugs and kisses forever. Till we meet again.