On Thursday June 4th, 2020 it was a typical summer morning.  It was a beautiful day, I put a sprinkler out on the lawn for the kids to play in.  Jaydon was acting whiny and wanted to be held.  I put him in his swim shirt and decided to fill up our kiddie pool.  I let him try to fill it up but you know how that goes, I don’t remember him keeping it in the pool very much to fill it.  He was enjoying it and the whining ceased from that point. He went about his day like always, running around and playing in the sandbox.  He liked to follow his dad around while he was fixing things.  His dad was getting a porch ready to be built. He was digging holes and Jaydon would be right behind him filling them up as fast as he was digging them.  He loved throwing dirt clods everywhere. 
I decided to take the older kids next door with me to my sister’s arena to work with a horse we had just purchased a few weeks before. As I was waiting for the older kids to come out of the house, I kept Jaydon inside since he had a tendency to run up to the horse but he went out the back door.  He came running around the corner into the front yard where I was standing with our horse.  I was frustrated at first because I was running out of daylight and wasn’t sure if I’d have time to pony him around.  I relented and gave he and his sister a short ride up the driveway and back.  How I wish I had went further with him that night.  He was so upset when I took him off the horse, he cried all the way home as his sister carried him into the house. It breaks my heart to think that was the last time I saw him alive. I still remember his crying behind the glass door.  I didn’t say goodbye, I felt too guilty but felt a need to get some riding in before it became to dark.  My nieces were ponying my girls around with her horses as I worked on our horse. As I was looking to return home a strong wind storm came through so I decided to hold off until it subsided.  My husband put Jaydon to bed as it had become dark and was looking tired. I didn’t even get to say goodnight or I love you, something that still hurts to this day. Jaydon’s little baby brother woke up crying around midnight.  I was so tired I’m not sure if Jaydon cried at all like he typically would occasionally at night.  
I woke up early as I typically do to try to be back before most of the kids wake up. Some of the kids followed me outside for a few more pony rides. I returned later than I planned and noticed Jaydon was not greeting me at the door like he usually does with,”mommy!” I asked my husband where he was and he said he must be tired so he let him sleep in longer.  Generally he is awake around 7 and it was 9:00 by now.  And when he wakes up he is usually calling for his dad to come get him.  I went to go and check on him, I opened the door and started to walk in.  It was silent and I thought it was strange but felt that maybe I should let him rest a little longer if he was just worn out from the previous day. So I stepped back and started looking for stuff to make breakfast when my husband came around the corner and looked in on him.  His tone “oh no,oh no, no....” told me something was terribly wrong.  My heart felt like it stopped after hearing those words. I saw him pull his stiff and purple colored body out of the crib as he rushed him to the couch.  It was horrifying, I knew he was in big trouble but I was not believing in my mind that he was dead. I thought he was in a seizure since he tended to stiffen at times.  My husband new it was over but I did not. He called 911, I felt helpless, I didn’t know what to do but I thought we could somehow revive him or he would just come out of it. I ran next door to get help from a brother but he was not home. I screamed in agony not wanting to think their was no way to save him. I ran in and out of the house several times, feeling a need to be with Jaydon but also a need to get help.  I couldn’t handle seeing him that color, I dropped to my knees on the front step begging for the Lord to not take him. I wasn’t ready! I began to realize my pleads were in vain. I got up to go hold my boy, I knew it was over upon touching his ice cold skin and just trying to put my arms around his stiff arms was hard to take.  I screamed out in complete agony hoping I would awake from such an awful nightmare but I could not run away from what was now unfolding that morning. I rocked him in my arms on my knees on the floor, sobbing. My other children unfortunately witnessed much of the chaos.  How can this happen?!! How can a child so active, playing in the water and running around the house the day before suddenly just die?!  This shouldn’t happen!?!  We assumed it was a seizure only because we had no other answers. We had to leave our home as an investigation had to take place.  It was awful having to leave him there with all these strangers in my home.  I didn’t know what to do with myself.  My husband and I went and sat under an apple tree as my sister had gathered my children to stay with relatives.  I was in complete disbelief. My brain felt numb and I was dead inside. I never felt so much pain and heartache in all my life. I just wanted to crawl into a dark hole and hide away from everyone as people began to give their condolences.  I was not ready for them. I didn’t want to talk, I was trying so hard to absorb what had just happened and what were they doing with him in our home? As I noticed them bringing out brown paper bags and a crib mattress down my steps. After a couple hours people from the mortuary arrived. As they’re discussing tissue donation amongst other things that completely went over my head at that time. I couldn’t even believe the conversation we were having at that time, surreal.  They allowed us to return to say our goodbyes before they send him up state for an autopsy. I picked him up, he was so cold, I wrapped him in a soft blanket and rocked in his favorite rocking chair one last time.  His features still purple in color but not as stiff as he had been earlier.  He had died quite early on, his diaper wasn’t even wet after drinking a sippy cup before he went to bed. My husband was answering questions with the investigators as I tried to just focus on these last moments together in our home.  He was not there but his body was part of who he was.  I finally relented to let them take him. I can say one of the hardest things to see is a child being zipped up in a body bag and being rolled out your door on a stretcher, your precious child. I felt completely hollow inside. It was the beginning of the end. I miss him terribly