Welcome. I want to welcome all of you into this beautiful space as we come together to honor Jeffrey’s life. I also want to welcome all the feelings and the thoughts that come in, so we can hold it all in this circle of love and compassion and respect. And, I want to welcome all the unseen beings, the angels, in Buddhism we call them devas, all the forces of goodness that support us and support Jeffrey in his journey onward.

My name is Sister Santussika. I am a Buddhist nun. Over the years, Jeffrey related to Buddhism more than any other religion. He did some studying and practice of Buddhism at a local monastery. So, his family wanted to have a Buddhist teacher speak today. I am going to share with you a perspective from the Buddha’s teachings.

The Buddha taught that everything that comes into being eventually dissolves again. Every being that is born will die. This is natural, but often when death comes, we think that something went wrong, especially when a young person dies. In reality, though, everything in this world, even when and how we die, comes about through causes and conditions. Death can come at any time, when we are young or middle aged or old.

In Buddhism, we see this one lifetime within a much larger context of many lifetimes. In Christianity and Judaism there is also life after death i.e. in heaven. In Buddhism, you might say, there is a longer view. On the night of his enlightenment, the Buddha saw many, many of his own past lives. He saw how he was born in a particular place, with such a name, in such a family, having this kind of food, with this experience of pleasure and pain, and this life span. Then he saw how he passed away and was reborn in another place, with such a name, in such a family, with that kind of food, with that experience of pleasure and pain, and that life span, and passing away from there, being reborn in another place. He saw thousands of such lifetimes. And then he saw the same kind of coming into being and passing away of other living beings and how each one would be reborn into conditions based on the actions and experiences in previous lives.

Most of us are not able to see this long view, so we don’t know why things happen the way they do. We don’t know what the causes and conditions were that led to things being the way they are now. So sometimes we don’t have the compassionate understanding that we would have if we could see all that came before.

This is a bit like being caught in the rain. We only know that right here it is raining. If we could rise up above the earth and see the pattern of the weather, we would see that the winds blow the clouds and storms across vast distances. We would see where this storm has come from and where it is going. We would understand how and why it is raining here now.

This life that we are living right now is shaped to some large degree by what came before. The greatest influence we have is in what we choose to think, say and do right now, in response to the circumstances we find ourselves in at this moment. We can use this experience to develop greater wisdom, kindness and compassion, so we will continue to make more and more skillful choices which will affect our future as well as our present experience.

When someone chooses to end their own life, it is very common to think “If only I had ….” We may think that we could have changed the direction of that path. And yet, such a decision is part of a much bigger picture. For Jeffrey, we know that he was suffering physically; and it is the case that when the body dies, the physical suffering ends. We hope for him that this was a great relief. As for the lessons that Jeffrey still needs to learn to be truly happy and free, wherever his stream of consciousness has gone, that will be a place where those lessons can be learned.

The greatest lesson all of us can learn from this experience is one of compassion, to have compassion for Jeffrey, for his suffering, for his family and friends, for ourselves and for all beings. From this ocean of compassion, we can support Jeffrey in his continuing journey. Anything that we do that is good, any kind word or heartfelt prayer, any support for someone in need, any work or effort towards something wholesome can be dedicated to Jeffrey’s well-being, to support him as he travels on.

Jeffrey’s body is here with us today. It reminds us of him, but he has gone on his way. We send our love and compassion and the benefits of our own good actions along with him. May he be well and happy. May we all be well and happy.

Hello.  My name is Carol Cursi and I’ve been a friend of Catherine and Carrie’s for 20 plus years.  I met Carrie when she was the principal of the grade school my daughter attended and I met Catherine when I gave Kim a ride home one day.  When I drove up Catherine was washing her car and a beautiful red-headed little boy with adorable freckles sprinkled across his face was helping her.  His face lit up when Kim stepped out of my car.  He obviously adored his big sister. 

Anyone who played ball with the Shades at West Sunset Playground watched Jeff grow up because he was there every game we played.  He pulled bat boy duty for a few seasons but what he really enjoyed was playing with the other kids who were dragged to the diamond with their moms.  I can still see in my mind’s eye that tight group of kids running and chasing each other before, during, and after the actual game we adults played.  Jeff was always quick to volunteer to hop the fence or squeeze through some small opening to retrieve the errant foul ball.  We loved him for that!  After the games Jeffrey was always part of the gang who got a ping-pong ball size of pizza dough at Pirros – and kept bouncing, tossing, and kneading it all night long until it was black. 

While a lot of us haven’t yet outgrown playing softball, all the kids out grew coming to every game to watch us play.  So we saw a little less of Jeffrey in the ensuing years.  Funny thing about that time lapse, while we’re not watching kids always group up and surprise us with their transition to adulthood.  It was always a pleasure to see Jeffrey when Carrie and Catherine hosted a party.  Whenever I saw Jeff he was friendly, and chatty, and engaging as he told me what he was currently doing at school or work.  And he still had that beautiful color red hair from his youth. 

Parents love their kids.  As a parent you can’t avoid planning, hoping, dreaming about an ideal life for your kids.  We want their lives to be better, easier, and more successful.  But life is complicated and more times than not, life does not go as planned.  That brings us to today. 

Catherine, Carrie, Kim – we can only imagine your heartache and pain over losing your son and brother.  But know that we are here today to share your loss and hope to ease your sadness a bit.  Jeffrey was a good young man who was gentle and compassionate.  My hope is that each of us will remember the very best of him today and always. 

Rest in peace Jeffrey. 

         My name is Nisha Husain and I went to high school with Jeff. When I was asked to say a few words today, I decided to use some of my journal entries from high school to help me with some of the events and dates that happened. The day I met you, Jeff, was on your first day at Mid-Peninsula High School in Menlo Park back around February 2007. I had already been at Mid-Pen for a few weeks and was eager to make you my friend because I knew that being the “new kid” at school can be scary. Soon after, all the new kids at Mid-Pen became friends, some of whom are here today.

         In May of that year I had my 16th birthday and we all went to see the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean. Then came back and went swimming since it was a super-hot day!! We decided to play water polo that was so much fun.

         On the 29th of May you texted me, telling me that you never had a girlfriend and that I should be your first. I couldn’t believe what you just asked me through the text message. I was very nervous and responded “well I never had a girlfriend either!!! I meant boyfriend…...” 

                  Remember those times at Mid-Pen when we would get the breakfast burritos and put a ton of Sriracha sauce all over them?! And then suffer from the terrible heart burn?! And then always ask ourselves what we were thinking and how we should never ever do that again?! But ended up getting the burritos with that super spicy sauce the very next day.

         Remember the beginning of our sophomore year?! In 2007?! When we were on the soccer team and we weren’t that good?! Actually our team was horrible!!! But we all had fun running around during practices!!  Remember that time our team was losing sooo badly that the coach from the opposing team told our coach that his players were just gonna pass the ball back and forth?! That was soooo sad!!! But it was ok since it was the end of the season and we all went to Round Table Pizza and had a party for the most losing soccer team that year!!

                  It was May 10th 2008. It was our first prom. You were all dressed up in a tux and red tie and looking handsome as ever. I wore a red sparkly dress. Remember the food they had?! The pasta with some sort of cheese sauce was your favorite!! You kept going up to pile more on your plate!! I believe you even finished it all!! Then for dessert they had those mini fruit cup custard thingys!! And we just chilled at the dessert bar and ate like 20 each!! Then we found out there were glow sticks. Remember how you told me how it would be awesome if we connected them all and flung them to the other little balcony overlooking the dance floor?! So we could have a glow stick chain!! You told me later that night that this was the best prom ever!!

         Remember on September 25th 2008, when your moms got married. And you invited me to come be with you!! I remember how you loved being at the Ritz Carlton all dressed up eating fancy food!! I remember you whispered to me “Look at all those small portions!! No one could get stuffed eating this!!” There was fish, chicken, beef, lobster, sorbet, and almond tropical cake!! I remember that the almond tropical cake was your favorite!! You even wanted more!!

                   Remember Halloween of 2008?! How we wanted candy soooo bad that we went Trick-Or-Treating with your niece?! And then we pretended to be in middle school?! You had a ghoulish mask on so no one would see your face and I was a pirate?! Remember how much candy we got?!

         Remember being in Larry’s chem. class?! How you would wait till he left the room and raid his stash of cup-a-noodles?! Everyone in the class thought it was hilarious how you never got caught!

         Remember the Night of the Arts in May 2009?! Our music class played tons of songs that night and really rocked. I remember how nervous you were so our teacher turned off your amp.

         Although these are just a few of our memories, I will always cherish them fondly, and thank you, Jeff, for sharing them with me.

         

 Jeffrey, I loved you so much and I take comfort in knowing that you know I loved you. I am so thankful that we had you with us this past summer. I’m so thankful my children had that time with you and got to know what a wonderful Uncle and human being you were. I’m so sad that Sofie wont get to experience the joy of having Uncle take her out to get the milkshakes, ice cream, or any of the sweets you loved. But I loved watching you hold her; you were so nervous but you cared so deeply for her and were so gentle with her.  I’m going to miss the little things like just being able to pick up the phone and ask you how you are or to vent to you or share exciting news.

You know I keep expecting Uncle Jeff to walk in the door with your big beautiful smile. Its only been a week but it feels as if your slipping away you feel so far away and I feel like I am trying to grasp and hold on tight to any and every memory I had with you. But I took those little moments for granted because you were supposed to be here. We were supposed to have a million more of those little moments. I was suppose to have you to grow old with. I think what saddens me most isn’t what memories I have but the memories and moments we were meant to create. Its so hard to sit back and think that Ill never get to be at your wedding, visit your first own home, or share your joy in having your first child. And I’m just so sorry you felt so alone and were in so much pain. And even though I know now you are free, free of the pain, of the doubt, the anxiety, the hurt I still want you here with me. I am going to miss you so deeply. We are all going to miss you so deeply.

Lots of faces here remind me of Joann and my connection to the Shades of Blue women’s softball team.  Although that connection is now somewhat infrequent, it is still strong in our memories.  For many years, the games and the beer & pizza evenings that followed them were a big part of our lives.  

The children of several of the players were always part of the fun, especially after the games.  We watched many of them grow up; we were lucky to have so many wonderful kids be a part of our softball family.

Jeffrey always stood out with his smiling face and laughter.  He was invariably well-behaved (especially compared to some of the adults), but he certainly liked to have fun.  Pizza dough ended up in a lot of weird places while we played “getting warmer, getting colder” with him.

Even my father, who was only occasionally present for those nights, always asked about Jeffrey.  He would often confuse the names of Jeffrey and Jerome, but then he would clarify by saying the cute little red-headed kid.

Joann and I had the pleasure of being around Jeffrey, with sister Kim and Cath and Carrie, in many other settings:  camping, weekend trip, sporting event, at home.  He was always kind, sensitive, and unfailingly polite.  Oh, he was a boy growing up with all the challenges that involves, but Joann and I were always glad to have him with us.

 

I cannot think of Jeffery as not being here.  He touched our lives, and the memories of his smile and laughter will always remain.  Even though he may now be on another journey, I believe his gifts will remain with us.

Jeffrey had registered as an organ donor.  Because of his thoughtfulness, someone whose sight is impaired will be able to see.  Someone who is scarred will be healed.  Someone whose heart condition threatens their life will live on.  But great as these gifts are, Jeffrey gave us more than that.

At times someone will ask something of us, and we might hesitate to respond, thinking maybe we don’t have what it takes to help.  I often have doubts about myself, and I suspect Jeffrey did too.  But I am certain that if I had ever asked Jeffrey for the shirt off his back, or some equivalent of that, he would have hesitated less than a second before doing whatever he could to help me.    This is a gift from him to each of us.  When faced with someone’s need, Jeffrey gift will continue each time we choose to do what he would have done.

Jeffrey remembrances

 

When I first met Jeffrey, he was about 4 or 5 years old.  We used to joke that he belonged on a cereal box.  So cute, red hair, freckles, huge, wide, non-blinking eyes and a huge smile that melted your heart, simply one of the cutest faces you had ever seen. 

 

Let me explain our connection, I am Joann and managed a softball team called Shades of Blue.  One day, I got a phone call from Catherine asking about joining the team.  She and Carrie did and we gained another family.  Mike and I don’t have kids, so Jeffrey and Kim were special to us.

 

Go to EULOGY. 

Catherine and Carrie have written a eulogy for Jeffrey and given me the honor of reading it.

 

Now a few of my own, personal comments:

 

Pirro’s Pizza, hunting for dough, hot then cold, tireless and gleeful.

 

Unfailingly polite at early age.  Always called me Aunt Joann and Uncle Mike

 

Wanted desperately to play football.  Watching him play at field near Cow Palace and at Kezar Stadium.  He wasn’t all that good, and he sure wasn’t big enough, but he loved it and attacked it with great enthusiasm. 

 

Loved animals, especially dogs, but any animals, snakes, rats, whatever.  He had a special affinity with animals.  Aunt Joann, do you want to see my tarantula?  I remember how much he loved working at the kennels. 

Such a gentle soul.  Can I help you?  Can I get you another beer?

 

His love for Kim was enormous, a special bond.  They seemed to look out for each other, even at a really early age, protective of each other.  Kim offered and received unconditional love from Jeff.  Their bond was so close, and enveloped Andres as well, he had his “little brother”.

 

On a camping trip when he was probably 7 or so, he caught his first fish.  Wow, was he proud. 

He liked fishing.

 

He loved to go to Alabama to visit his grandparents.  He looked forward to those vacations, it was very clear how much he really enjoyed those trips.  He talked about tractors and farms and animals. And down home cooking.

 

He was more patient then some of the kids on those freezing, cold nights in the Avenues.  While he always wanted to go to pizza,  he would wait patiently, and he knew we would.

 

He liked it that Mike wanted dessert and the two of them would sometimes leave pizza and go and get carrot cake.  He would come back beaming.

 

One gift that Jeffrey had was the gift of having truly incredible parents who loved him with a deep, powerful love.  He knew that.  The love that Mike and I saw given and received by him was the way love should be.  It was not always soft and accepting that is given in order to be liked back, it was the caring love a parent who taught values gave to instill a moral compass.  They provided a positive role model.  We often remarked and marveled at how fundamentally good they were at being parents.  And we continue to know that.  Both Kim and Jeffrey blossomed under their care.

Kim is a tribute to that.  Jeffrey knew he was loved, all through his life, he knew that.  Despite the depression that dogged him, he came from a place of love and that shaped him.  He was kind and gentle and caring to animals.  He was invariably respectful of elders, heck, of anybody.  Those values are transferred from caring parents.  And Kim is carrying on that tradition with her 3 wonderful children with the help of her terrific husband Andres.  Andres and Kim, who welcomed Jeffrey into their home, are just a testament to the love of this family which will sustain them through this very tough time.

 

Indeed, all of us are fortunate to have known and experienced the wonder of Jeffrey.  He gave us gifts and while he left us far too soon, and left us wondering, he loved and was loved.

Jeffrey Jacob Barber was born on June 9, 1991 in Detroit Michigan.  His five year old sister, Kim, was thrilled to have a brother, although she secretly wished for a sister.  ;)

 

Jeff was a HUGE baby, and looked particularly good in his leopard print underwear, which, factoring in his girth, looked more like speedos. 

 

Jeff’s first 4 years were spent in Madison Heights and Royal Oak Michigan.  He never really learned to crawl, and went right into walking at around 10 months.  His mother and sister both recall Jeff as a baby, climbing on top of the TV Entertainment Center and “spraying” the whole living room.  Jeff thought that was quite fun.

 

He enjoyed playing with his sister, often getting into mischief.  One time, they decided to “pop” the red tape that came with their pop gun.  Kim thought it would be a good idea to hold the tape, and Jeff could use a hammer to pop the dots.  Well, you can imagine what happened next.

 

At the age of 4, Jeff and his family moved across the country to San Francisco, and it was there that Carrie joined the family.  His first year there was spent living in a huge Victorian apartment on Fulton Street, with long hallways and a real coal burning fireplace.  One night, when the neighbors downstairs were having a rather loud party, Jeff got up from bed (around 3am) and decided to venture out to see what was going on, unbeknownst to his Mom and Carrie.  Soon, the doorbell rang, and one of the party revelers let us know that Jeff was downstairs, sitting and chatting on the steps with all the girls. 

 

Living in San Francisco was a very different experience for this Michigan boy, and he absolutely fell in love with the vastness of the Pacific Ocean and the sandy coastal beaches.  Each weekend, the family would pile everyone in the car, including their family dog, Jake, and would spend the day at Baker Beach, Muir Beach, or Ocean Beach.  One of his favorite activities was playing in the sand with his sand toys.  Even with his pale skin and red hair, Jeff always had to be reminded to wear sunscreen.  This continued throughout his life, as he never, ever wanted to wear sunscreen.

 

This is the time where Jeff truly gained his love for the outdoors.  He always felt more comfortable out in the fresh air, and relished his trips to Muir Woods, the lighthouses along the coast, and family camping trips to Big Basin and Yosemite.  As the years went on, he also experienced surfing in Oceanside, Santa Cruz, and Maui, snorkeling in Maui, and hiking many miles throughout Yosemite.

 

Jeff enjoyed board games of every kind, cards, and darts.  Monopoly was especially a favorite early on, and his family had to put a time limit on the game, or his negotiating skills with the property values of the game would turn things into a marathon.  Later on, Jeff loved to play Poker, and attempted to teach Carrie and Kim how to count cards in BlackJack.

 

Growing up, Jeff sometimes mixed up his words, as little kids can do.  The results were often hilarious.  For instance, after a long bout with the flu, he asked his mom if he still had “sperms” instead of germs.  He loved the old Godzilla black and white movies, but referred to the Japanese monster as  “Cinderella”.  And, when wanting to hear more about the day he was born, he asked his mom, “Tell me about when I was boring”.

 

Jeff accompanied Mom and Carrie to their softball games every Friday Night, with the Shades of Blue softball team at West Sunset Park in SF.  He didn’t necessarily go to watch all the games – preferring to play on the playground structures with Jesus and Steve and their kids while the team was playing.  But boy, did he enjoy going out for pizza afterwards.  The team always went to Pirros Pizza in SF.  The pizza parlor cook always gave Jeff a little ball of pizza dough, and he and team Coach Joann would play “Hide and seek” with the dough, hiding it all over the restaurant and everyone. 

 

Jeff attended numerous SF Giant baseball games – as his family was season ticket holders.  At first, the games were at Candlestick Park, where he and his sister would get to run the bases after Sunday day games.  Later on, when the team moved to Pac Bell, Jeff attended there.  As long as he was being fed cotton candy, ice cream, and Carl’s Jr Burgers at the games, he was a happy camper.  J  Jeff joined the local SF Pop Warner football league, and enjoyed playing defense.  He even got to play a game at Kezar Stadium.

 

At the age of 10, Jeff and his family bought a home in San Jose.  Jeff joined the local Pop Warner football league in the South Bay, one again as a defensive lineman.  His teammates affectionately gave him the nickname “Big Red”. 

 

Each summer, Jeff and his sister would fly to Birmingham, Alabama to visit their grandparents.  This was always a special time for Jeff, and one that he looked forward to.  Two of his favorite activities were fishing with his Grandpa and enjoying his Grandma’s homemade biscuits and gravy.  If Jeff was there for the Fourth of July, you can bet that fireworks were part of the fun.

 

Jeff always had a special place in his heart for animals, taking care of many of them while growing up.  He had a guinea pig named Midnight, a corn snake and a garter snake, an iguana, hermit crabs, a scorpion, his cat, Fred, and of course, Jake. Jeff enjoyed taking care of Bailey – often having Bailey take him around the block on his skateboard.

 

Jeff’s first job was at Saratoga School for Dogs, a local dog kennel, and it was here that he met (and later adopted) his cherished dog, Dio.  Dio had been dropped off by his owner’s family after the owner’s passing, and later abandoned.  Jeff felt compassion for Dio’s fate, and would spend endless amount of hours sitting with Dio, and petting him and playing with him at the kennel.  Jeff enjoyed a special bond with Dio, and eventually rescued him from a life in a kennel, by adopting him.

 

It was during high school that Jeff took up weightlifting.  He was a member of Gold’s Gym on Hamilton Avenue, and would exercise there frequently.  One of his favorite classes in college was a sports nutrition class – and he grew very knowledgeable in the chemistry of foods, and the supplements needed to build muscle.  He also believed that garlic was the cure all for everything.

 

Jeff became an uncle at age 13, and relished this title with his sister and her family.  He thought the world of his 9 year old niece, Marlene, his 6 year old nephew AJ, and most recently his 6 month old niece Sophia.  When Jeff was in the hospital after brain surgery in October, and in a tremendous amount of pain, the sight of Marlene and AJ made his face light up.

 

Jeff shared a special relationship with his brother-in-law, Andres.  They would arm wrestle together, go to the casino together, and work on their muscle cars together.  Demonstrating their bond, Andres called Jeff his “ little brother”.

 

Music was an important part of Jeff’s life, and his taste in music was wide range, from the country music he learned to appreciate from his mom, like Johnny Cash and Loretta Lynn to the music he listened to with his friends, like Eminem and Lamb of God. What other 22 year old male could say that his first ever concert was to see the Indigo Girls? His first favorite song was “Jungle Boogie” from the movie Pulp Fiction.

 

Family was vital to Jeff.  He was proud of his southern roots, his Midwestern birth, and his California upbringing.

 

This past July Jeff made the decision to enlist in the Marine Corps.  As with all other decisions he made, Jeff took this goal very seriously.  He trained weekly with all the other recruits, and was set for boot camp beginning in March.

 

A tumor in Jeff’s brain caused emergency surgery in late October, and a rehabilitation process was on-going since then.  Jeff struggled with the slowness of his re-hab, and the constant headaches and fatigue were a huge source of frustration.  Through all the pain and suffering, his gentle spirit and sensitive nature never diminished.  He left us much too soon and we will all miss him very deeply.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May I Go?

May I go now?

Don't you think the time is right?

May I say goodbye to painful days And endless lonely nights?

I've lived my life and done my

Best, an example tried to be.

So I can take that step

Beyond and set my spirit free?

I didn't want to go at first;

I fought with all with all my might.

But something seems to draw me now to a warm

And loving light.

I want to go!

 I really do.

It's difficult to stay.

But I will try as best I can

To live one more day.

To give you time to care for

Me and share love and fears.

I know your sad and are afraid

Because I see your tears.

I'll not be far, I promise That, and I hope you'll Always know.

Thank you so for loving Me.

You know I love you too.

That's why it's hard to say Goodbye and end this life With you.

So hold me now, Just one more time, And let me hear you say,

Because you care so much For me. You'll let me go today.