I've said it before and I'll say it again... I love you, I miss you!
Happy 45th Birthday in Heaven.

I still miss you son... every day. I love you.

44 years ago I gave birth to the cutest little "turkle" in the world and I took him home to a sister and brother who adored him. Two years later you got a baby sister you claimed for your own. Now we just miss you so very much. Happy Birthday Son with much love.

Grief never ends… but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith… It is the price of love. -- Author unknown
My youngest son passed 5 years ago today. Ironic that a youtube friend should post a video today of all days and describe his grief for his mother on her birthday. He starts with waves crashing over the boat (him) until eventually the storm passes and some days are a peaceful ocean, with occasional days of crashing waves... the perfect description. But my son? It was more like living through a hurricane, with the waves crashing over me and doing their best to take me under. Five years later it has settled into his description, with some peaceful, calm days, and waves crashing on others... like today, when the waves are crashing so fast I can hardly catch my breath because it still feels like yesterday.
One of the wisest people I ever met once told me, "Your grief is your own, to deal with in your own way." Like I said, one of the wisest people I ever met.
There is no expiration date on grief... you get through it in your own time.
The pain will never be over, I still miss my baby boy.
Rest in peace Jeffrey Mama loves you so much.

I understand only some of the pain a mother deals with when a son is lost... Just know that Jeff is always there above, watching over you all. Sending you peace to know he's always with you l

This will be five Christmases without you. Almost five years without your voice, your hugs, your weird humor and the goofy sounds you tried to teach the birds. Most of the time, I can hold back the tears and accept that you’re gone. I make myself believe the cliches, like only the good die young and how God takes His favorites first. And how it was your time and everything happens for a reason. Some days that cliche attitude fades away and all I feel is angry and hurt and yes, even betrayed. I hate that I’m not always strong. There are days when I hate the world and every person in it, when I’m bitter, especially about the way your life ended. I hate I carry so much anger inside. Anger, because you left your family behind, people who still needed your love, your voice, your hugs, your kisses, who cared about you more than they cared about themselves. People who would do anything to have one more minute with you. I’m angry, because I see shitty people living life without a care in the world; still living when you weren’t given the chance. The goodness in your heart at least should have earned you more days, months, years. I’m angry, because you deserved better. You deserved to see Chey and Lexi grow up. You deserved to grow old and pass away peacefully in your sleep after eighty or ninety years. I’m angry, because it’s not fair. That may sound whiny, it may sound childish, but it’s the truth. What happened to you wasn’t fair. What happened to your family wasn’t fair. Nothing about your death was fair.
I miss you. And I hate that I miss you, because I shouldn’t have to. I should be able to call you. I should be able to knock on your door. I should be able to see you face-to-face anytime I want.
You should still be here, right now, sending me texts from the other room to ask what I’m doing. You should still be here, right now, alive and well, giving me a reason to laugh instead of cry.
No matter how many cliches I choose to believe to find some semblance of comfort, I will always believe that your death was bullshit. I will ALWAYS believe that if she hadn’t been all strung out on drugs, she would have heard you and got help… she was ONLY three feet away!!! I will always believe you deserved so much more. More time with your girls. More time with me. More time with your family. You didn’t deserve to die.

Grief never ends… but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith… It is the price of love. -- Author unknown

Four years since I picked up the phone and that girl said “Jeff’s dead.” Four years since my last laugh with him, last calling him to dinner, my last hug when he said: “I’ll see you Sunday.” I went through HELL with that boy, but I never turned my back and I could never stay mad. He knew I’d never enable him but he knew I’d always be there. He knew he could call at 2 a.m. if he needed someone to talk to. He knew Mom loved him. Its been four years, but there are still days when I can’t even catch my breath because it still feels like yesterday. The pain is not and will never be over, I still miss my baby boy.
Rest in peace Jeffrey Mama loves you so much.