Even when Jerry didn't feel good he'd show up. My Willow tree went down, I know he didn't feel good and I'm positive he over did it the day he came out with us and helped clean up. He cared about others when he was hurting. He is missed and loved dearly. 

To My Love:

Well I am following through with the promise you and I made about writing a letter of things that have taken place (which we both know that you already know everything that has taken place) in the first 3 months since you have passed away. I can’t believe that we talked about this and made promises about it lol and agreed to post it because I know as well as I am sitting here writing this you didn’t post things so you either wouldn’t post it (and said you would) or you would have someone else post it for you but I think it would be the first one.

So far, I have kept every promise (we will get into a few of those later in the letter) you and I had made to each other for after our passing of which everyone went first. I still have several that we talked about but have either not been able to bring myself to do them or just haven’t gotten to it yet, but I will in time.

Let me start with the day you passed, my heart was crushed, and my life forever changed. I still see them working hard to try and revive you (they broke 4 ribs trying so hard) none stop for over 30 minutes (which seemed like a lifetime) every time I close my eye. The 3 days & events leading up to that day still haunt me every second of every day. I remember & see all of it as if it is taking place before my eyes this very minute all the time. I remember having to make that decision to tell them to call it. I didn’t want to, but I knew that if after 30 minutes you were not back that the outcome if they should have gotten you back would have been a life you would have never wanted. At that moment they called it March 10,2021 9:09 am everything in a noisy ICU unit went completely silent for me. I fell to the floor crying with thoughts and memories flooding my mind as if it was playing at a movie theater on fast forward. They picked me up put me on a chair asked if I was ok, I wanted to say are you joking but nothing would come out of my mouth(that was probably you keeping me from being rude). You see my life along with yours ended that day and nothing made any sense anymore. I sit on that chair crying, not able to get a word out yet being asked questions and just staring at them as if they had no face.

After about 15 minutes they told me I could go in and see you. I picked myself up and walked into the room you looked as if you was just sleeping (but you was no longer struggling to breath) until I walked over to the side of the bed and bent down to give you a kiss. Just before my lip touched yours, I seen your eyes and they were completely empty, you were no longer there. I gave you a kiss, hugged you, ran my hands over your head and in your hair and then whispered in your ear to please forgive me for doing the one thing that you feared the most (that was putting you on a ventilator) but that I did what I thought was going to save you but now I was left with the thought that maybe it was what caused you to pass. I know in my mind it wasn’t but, in my heart, I question it.

I turned to the Chaplin and asked what now? She told me it was time for me to leave I could not believe that I had to go and that I would never see you again, that you would never be coming home. I walked out the door and they took me to a waiting room because I had to wait for them to gather all your things and bring them to me, all I could think was really he just passed can I wait? Not sure what I was wanting to wait for because the outcome was not going to change. I sat there and started to make a few calls and I still could not believe in someway the words that was coming out of my mouth.

They brought all your things on a cart to me, that walk out of the hospital with your things was the longest walk and the walk I hated. I loaded yours stuff up and as I sat in the car looking up at the floor your room was on I could not believe still that you was laying there and our lives had ended just like that and I would never see you ever again.

As I drove back to the hotel I now had to face the fact of a 1260 mile drive back alone (or I thought) Penny, Breanna and several of the ladies from the church offered to fly out and ride back. I told everyone no! Penny however (you know when she makes you mind up) would not take NO for answer. Penny arrived the next day and the following day after that we headed home (our home love) without you. I didn’t want to leave your tent of a body because it was still there, and I didn’t want to leave you there alone.

We left Omaha Nebraska on Friday March 12,2021 and I drove as far as Ogden Utah that night. Penny and I talked, cried, laughed and set quietly in silence. I reflected over all the things that had taken place since February 22, 2021 when we arrived in Omaha and more so over the 10 days leading up to your passing. Questioning every single conversation, we had, also remembering holding each other, the laughs and all the calls in the middle of the night and decisions I had to make. Even the times of you talking to the wall and me not understanding at the time, I finally did right after you passed when I watched the recordings however now I can not watch them without anxiety setting in, to the Red Cardinal in the tree outside your window the evening before your passing and when I said to you, “Honey there is a Red Cardinal in the tree I wonder why that’s here.”

Knowing that I was coming home to an empty house that you would never walk through the door again was so overwhelming on that drive home. My mind flooded with thoughts and my eyes with tears. When I got home, Rex ran everywhere looking for you (he still does at times or sits and waits for you to walk around a corner or through the garage door).

We had your service March 27,2021 (Breanna & Penny went with me to make the arrangements). All 3 girls were here and helped once they were able to make it to town. It was a sunny day out, I at times wish it had been rainy because I was crying inside and I wanted everyone to feel the same level of lose that I was feeling, the angles were smiling upon you that day and was happy that you we finally home with no limitations. I think I did you proud of how it went, it was simple like you talked about but still nice. The church was such a great help and furnished the meal for after you service.

Since your service well all that is a whole different story some of the things we talked about you were right and some I was and in some ways we both were: You are right you never would have been able to handle the loneliness (like you said I would be stronger in that then you) I can count on one hand how many have been to the house in days following the service. Some I haven’t seen since the service, some I only heard from at the time of the service and some not at all. In these we were both right however I have seen some that neither of us ever thought about that has been upfront and there all the time. The loneliness is overbearing most times and leaving the house mostly is not really an option so sitting behind the walls keeps be from having to see just how much everyone else’s lives have gone on. How can all these lives go on as if nothing has happened. Do they not see that you are gone? This is one you were right about people disappear like you have the plague. Penny calls me almost every day, some text (very few and very far and between) and although I appreciate it I really do, I do not believe they realize that I am a lone and a text is a lone.

As the sun sets each night and the noises outside become less, I know that I must crawl into bed alone and the house drops into complete silence. Most nights then not I cry myself to sleep thinking of the life we had, the life we planned for and the life that would never be. It is a nightly routine and it repeats its self over and over until I finally fall asleep.

What so many don’t know is the things that I have and am dealing with that no one would or could ever have thought would be the case. You know what I am talking about and maybe one or two others because Love I had to have someone to help process things.

Around the house well this you would have been so much better than me like I said. All that I did you could do but the things you did I am left to try and figure out. The mice in the garage well you know how I hate them yet you left candy hidden in places (because you wasn’t to have it) and those beady little eyed things are every where so I have been having to deal with that. I got some sticky traps and so far 9 have made their way to the trash. I still can’t go in the garage to do much it causes me an over whelming amount of anxiety and crying because that was your space.

The trees got furry out back so look out I had to learn how to run your trimmer, I didn’t kill them, so I guess I didn’t do to bad. I laid sod in that spot that for the past 2 years I have been wanting to and you said no (I know I know) but itis doing good and growing. Even though the yard is not overly big now that it all falls on me everything here is almost too big. I did something I said I would never do and that is got a weed eater to do the trimming on the lawn instead of hand trimming it (I know but wait) I only used it twice because like I said it scalps the grass so now I am back to hand trimming it again. LOL

I put the stuff out on the corner deck, and I cried my way through that. Not sure why I did because it is just me and Rex & Katie here not like it will be used but for some reason in my mine even though my world has stopped with in this fence it’s like I can keep it going and just wait for you to peak your head around the corner and say HAHAHA it was all a joke here I am.

I am trying to keep things afloat on my own and so far, it has worked. I think somehow you knew (maybe GOD let you in on it a head of time) that my entire family would be leaving this are in the coming months and maybe that’s the reason no funds were left to me because it would force me to sell the house otherwise I never would leave. What you forgot though is that I will do all I can to be where I think I need to be and right now that is in our home we had together.

I haven’t been able to do anything with any of the stuff everything is as you left it just waiting, I guess. As you know and as you can see every single day almost, I have been slapped with something that knocks be back. You were also right about this I am the stronger one for that also as with your health and such you would have given up, but what you forgot was I have you there helping me push through a lot of these things except those that are caused from you and that’s when I am left to use a different will power. I have screamed at you, cussed you, cried to you and said I love you forever.

I did set up the trip with the girls but only 2 of the 3 will be going. I think you would be proud that I did go through with it even though I didn’t want to leave the house and dogs. I know as we take this trip you will be with the 3 of us every step of the way. I am hoping that this trip will bring all of us closer so that more communication will take place way more often than it does now (maybe that’s why you made me make this promise you knew).

As I close this I want you to know My Love that I miss you more than living life itself, but I know that I must. I miss you more than any words can be said, and more than any emotions can be expressed. I will continue to keep the promises we made. I think you make me promise to do these writings at 3 months, 6 months, 9 months and a year because you always wanted me to sit down and write that book and I always had an excuse and by making me do this I may not be writing a book but I am writing so you can sit up there and laugh and SAY I WON!

I close for now and know my heart, my love and life are with you.

Your Loving Wife

Annette Liggett