Just wanted to say...
August 2, 2020
I love you. Always.
I'm sorry
August 2, 2020
I think about you all the time. Yet I don't always have the courage to talk/write about you. *not here anyway *. I miss you so much. I don't understand why you're not here. I would give anything to start over..to hold you for the first time again, to protect you. There was so much I missed. Seeing it now just makes me an asshole. I'm sorry. For every time I didn't listen. For every call I didn't return., I'm sorry for not replying to your last text(until it was too late. ).
Hey
June 9, 2020
I haven't wrote in awhile. Don't let that mislead my agony..it still exists daily. I think back of night often..Here I have Narcan which would save you..yet its nothing for me now. So many nights suck without you. I no longer have the best friend..friends, after losing your nana. Your sister and I have been fighting a lot (kaylin). Izzy hating confrontation gets upset when she sees her sister upset. I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't raise my voice, I listen..although she would say I don't. I honestly don't know why I speak. Or why I'm here Dwayne and the girls obviously would be fine without me. I would anything to hug you. I would give anything for just ONE more 3 hour talk on the back porch. You always understood, could communicate with an open mind while willing to discuss concerns and suggested actions., Even when we didn't agree, we always had the same goal in mind. I want to call you, text,..go pick you up. I can't make sense of much lately. You once said I was your sanity, You have no idea how much you continue to be mine. You and your nana are constantly in my head. The difference now is I can't just call your name. Your nana knew I was/,am a fuck up. You knew it too. You were always kind enough to make me feel like a person. Even if it I was just listening..I'll always be grateful for you. Love you bud, always. Please hug your nana tight for me and tell her I'm sorry for being a shitty daughter.
I love you all.
I love you all.
Peanut freaking allergy!?
February 16, 2020
Hey, so this morning I have 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and off brand mountain dew, I don't finish the 2nd sandwich of course bc that's for the dogs (as you know) while I'm eating the first sandwich, my throat starts to close(?) Start on the left but moving fast to shut down all breathing. I must say part of me wanted it, yet my body wouldn't stop survival mode (gotta love that part of stupid brain) I forced myself to take breaths in and out bc your dad looked nervous. Your meditation thing actually worked! I considerate on being calm and each breath sounding normal. Honestly though, my legs were shaking like crazy and I was scared. It felt like that time I got bit by ants and they kept hitting me with needles. I want to be with you and your nana more than anything...yet I don't want to go out over peanut butter. Not really a story I want your sisters to say. I miss you so much. I have to think your energy still feels love(thanks again btw when you messed with my cd volume to keep awake on I-75.) If you do, I hope you feel how I love you ..have and will, always. Enjoy everything. Be you. Smile everyday, I miss that, for both of us. I love you.
Say hello to Nana
January 27, 2020
Hey bud, how fucked up is it that nana is gone? I'm pretty messed up trying to accept it..and yes, I know, I should accept death as one accepts life..yin and yang, light and dark, peace and war, banks and poor, mind and...yup, thoughts don't exist, so the crazies? Not sure what it means anymore. Thoughts used to be free, yet I've found they don't really matter. NO ONE really cares(Except for a small handful of people, although I never needed more then that. )
I don't know the right answer. What I do know, We are all being mislead, Taken in directions that profits only the ones leading. It's up to the curious..And you must remain curious! Don't be the one with an empty plate and "faith". Faith is the definition of unanswered prayers, misunderstanding, conflict, and ego driven decisions with the only basis of being right. WHO CARES?! not the one beside you. Mistakenly, we get comfortable, nearly convinced, we're right, full of power, full of religion..MY god will make it right. Will he? How much will you put down for your conviction? How much does passing cripple your true thought process? (Not to mention time wasted before). DEATH. The true fear, unanswered questions, meaningless Sunday's on your knees for sins your nature has the only reaction/outcome. Your morals as payment, do any of us win? Does any of it matter? Suffer, pain, peaceful,...GONE. Am I the only one to see the end result? End of days, meaningless. No one wins, We shouldn't thrive for it, it's a battle with the same finish line regardless who crosses first. Where did we lose ourselves? We lost the obvious connection...to ALL things, Things being the key word. We need to connect, We're literally every thing we fight, hate or go against.; We're also everything we love, smile to, miss and enjoy every moment with. I miss talking to you about these things. I see now what you meant about there's no purpose in trying..I also realize your anger, It was my fault Jesse. I should have listened better, really listened. I've been thinking a lot about what you had said about the bullying when you were younger in Mayport, when I blacked out in anger at the kids in the driveway and got pulled back into the house. You smiled talking about how mad I was, then you said I made it worse. I never questioned the second part bc my mind only wanted to hear you were proud of me...now I see that's what you always wanted too. I can't express how sorry I am for being a fuck up. I never should have raised you as a "strong man" when you were merely a boy. I even blamed you for it later saying you shouldn't be so angry; Choose peace..no wonder you were so confused. Damn. You should have never had to prove anything; No one should have to. If I'm around to make it different for your sisters, I hope to change it somehow.
I don't know the right answer. What I do know, We are all being mislead, Taken in directions that profits only the ones leading. It's up to the curious..And you must remain curious! Don't be the one with an empty plate and "faith". Faith is the definition of unanswered prayers, misunderstanding, conflict, and ego driven decisions with the only basis of being right. WHO CARES?! not the one beside you. Mistakenly, we get comfortable, nearly convinced, we're right, full of power, full of religion..MY god will make it right. Will he? How much will you put down for your conviction? How much does passing cripple your true thought process? (Not to mention time wasted before). DEATH. The true fear, unanswered questions, meaningless Sunday's on your knees for sins your nature has the only reaction/outcome. Your morals as payment, do any of us win? Does any of it matter? Suffer, pain, peaceful,...GONE. Am I the only one to see the end result? End of days, meaningless. No one wins, We shouldn't thrive for it, it's a battle with the same finish line regardless who crosses first. Where did we lose ourselves? We lost the obvious connection...to ALL things, Things being the key word. We need to connect, We're literally every thing we fight, hate or go against.; We're also everything we love, smile to, miss and enjoy every moment with. I miss talking to you about these things. I see now what you meant about there's no purpose in trying..I also realize your anger, It was my fault Jesse. I should have listened better, really listened. I've been thinking a lot about what you had said about the bullying when you were younger in Mayport, when I blacked out in anger at the kids in the driveway and got pulled back into the house. You smiled talking about how mad I was, then you said I made it worse. I never questioned the second part bc my mind only wanted to hear you were proud of me...now I see that's what you always wanted too. I can't express how sorry I am for being a fuck up. I never should have raised you as a "strong man" when you were merely a boy. I even blamed you for it later saying you shouldn't be so angry; Choose peace..no wonder you were so confused. Damn. You should have never had to prove anything; No one should have to. If I'm around to make it different for your sisters, I hope to change it somehow.
Hope to see you soon
November 11, 2019
This may be my last letter to you bud. I hope to see you sooner than expected. You remember that night when you said it wouldn't matter if you gone? You were wrong, I should have said before..I've been gone since you were. I can't be without you.
Fear
October 3, 2019
Hey Jess, I really need you right now. You may already know..your nana's cancer is back and it's bad. I still don't feel I've fully accepted you not being here and less then a year...yeah, things suck right now. You were my go to, the one who would GET IT, talk it out with me, make me laugh when we both knew we probably shouldn't be. You always had my back when caring for her. I'm scared Jesse. She's back to the way she was, and I understand where she's coming from yet fear she's giving up. I can't seem to talk to anyone without someone planning her funeral or letting out her secret. I'm trying so hard to get my head balanced. Between straight out ignoring people to wanting desperately to talk to anyone who will truly listen..I've lost myself. My life without a text, a call, or simply seeing you walk to my car pulling your pants up, has been pure torture. I never imagined I would lose you. Now to think of losing your nana...I don't want to think. How petty am I to almost be jealous that she may see you again before me? Not to mention the selfishness I feel for the possibility of my soul and mind meeting its final destruction. I'll never say Why me? Because that's stupid. Chances are I deserve it. I will say I've never felt so weak. Losing you was unexpected, a text sent , no response, a knock at the door 5 minutes later. I've watched your nana let go of life long before she was diagnosed. Neither is easier to take. I already miss her, and days without you only get harder. I don't want to be me anymore. I do however, hope I always remember the moments of being your mom. I love you so much my special boy. Please try to stop by you can.*Tight hugs*
September 13, 2019
Hey pumpkin head, me again. Missing your voice, words, face, ..everything. I'm not sure why I'm at a lost for words this time, normally I'm rambling forever and even deleting a lot. This kind of scares me. I almost feel like you're fading. Please. Don't.
I keep a picture of the younger you on our fridge, as crazy as it's sounds, it's the recent ones that hurt the most...or so I thought until earlier today. Me and Dwayne was watching a comedian holding his little girl and all I could see and think about was those little hands and arms wrapping around his neck. It is his first child, I instantly got flashes of your first year. I could even feel the little hairs being pulled on the back of neck as you would adjust. I've said before the weird things you think about, in that moment, I wanted a baby to hold. (No worries, I'm too old for that), but I still miss holding you. I guess I always will.
I keep a picture of the younger you on our fridge, as crazy as it's sounds, it's the recent ones that hurt the most...or so I thought until earlier today. Me and Dwayne was watching a comedian holding his little girl and all I could see and think about was those little hands and arms wrapping around his neck. It is his first child, I instantly got flashes of your first year. I could even feel the little hairs being pulled on the back of neck as you would adjust. I've said before the weird things you think about, in that moment, I wanted a baby to hold. (No worries, I'm too old for that), but I still miss holding you. I guess I always will.
I need you here.
September 2, 2019
Why aren't you here? Stupid question right? I can hear you sarcastically laughing..because I don't exist anymore!
Yet you do..don't you? Is it my selfishness that wants you sitting beside me? Talking about a video you seen, a new song you heard, just to be in your presence...I would give anything. Just like the dreams I had, you wouldn't have to say anything.
We have a hurricane coming, you have no idea of how much I want to stand outside and let the wind carry me to you. For that, I'd give all I own. Daisy looked at me a little differently tonight, I think she knew what was going through my head. I don't understand this life without you! I don't fucking want to !!! I feel I'm counting my days without you (literally) 281 days!
I still expect you to come back. Why aren't you back?
Yet you do..don't you? Is it my selfishness that wants you sitting beside me? Talking about a video you seen, a new song you heard, just to be in your presence...I would give anything. Just like the dreams I had, you wouldn't have to say anything.
We have a hurricane coming, you have no idea of how much I want to stand outside and let the wind carry me to you. For that, I'd give all I own. Daisy looked at me a little differently tonight, I think she knew what was going through my head. I don't understand this life without you! I don't fucking want to !!! I feel I'm counting my days without you (literally) 281 days!
I still expect you to come back. Why aren't you back?
I'm not sure I can do this.
August 26, 2019
I miss you so much. I hate when I wake up. I hate when people act like they understand. I know I should be here, but I don't know how to do life without you. I need you so badly. I keep thinking this nightmare will be over soon...yet it continues.The thought of not getting a text, a call, or ever hugging you again, to not breathe you in..why the Fuck am I here and YOU'RE not?! I hate everything. I'm trying but it hurts to breathe. Everyday is a fake illusion that I attempt to portray...it's all "normal ". All of it is without you. How does anyone do this? I need my best friend. Tell me what to do. How do I do this? How do I get back to you?
Hey
August 16, 2019
Missing you a lot lately. Of course I always miss you, yet this whole "time heals everything" is complete bullshit. I'll tell you what time does, it hurts., it hurts like hell more and more every damn day! I honestly don't know how Jason did it. Going so long without you. Although I'm not him, I'm sure he has his own shit he's going through. As heartless as it's sounds, I don't care. I stopped caring about a lot since losing you. I just want you back so badly. I started watching anime again but I couldn't watch one punch man season 2, mainly because it doesn't feel right not talking to you about it. Writing you here and in my memos helps some, but knowing I'll never get response...
Your nana, the girls and I are going to see Uncle tomorrow. I wish you were going too. I got a minivan. I know you loved the Cruz, it was actually hard to sell it since I can still see you in the passenger seat telling me to let you drive. John came over last weekend and I know you would have loved his new car. He sold his truck! Can you believe it?! He said he would have given it to you. I heard the song broke the door handle on a video of you driving the truck, I must have played it 100 times. I haven't watched every video bc I want to save as much as possible. I don't let anyone touch your laptop (aside from showing someone something). I know it comes off crazy, but to me it's more crazy to let go. I haven't had a dream about you in a long time. It sucks, I haven't felt your presence either..I really wish I could feel something..other than this. I did for awhile, and I understand if time is different where you are, its just kind of stopped here...yet rushing by, by my own force? Sitting still makes me think too much. I better go. I got to build stuff for the chickens, pack, listen to music and cry (so I'm not a complete mess around your uncle. I'm sure your nana's got that covered (haha). Strangely it helps, she falls apart and I dry up. I love you Jess. Come by sometime when you get a chance okay?
Your nana, the girls and I are going to see Uncle tomorrow. I wish you were going too. I got a minivan. I know you loved the Cruz, it was actually hard to sell it since I can still see you in the passenger seat telling me to let you drive. John came over last weekend and I know you would have loved his new car. He sold his truck! Can you believe it?! He said he would have given it to you. I heard the song broke the door handle on a video of you driving the truck, I must have played it 100 times. I haven't watched every video bc I want to save as much as possible. I don't let anyone touch your laptop (aside from showing someone something). I know it comes off crazy, but to me it's more crazy to let go. I haven't had a dream about you in a long time. It sucks, I haven't felt your presence either..I really wish I could feel something..other than this. I did for awhile, and I understand if time is different where you are, its just kind of stopped here...yet rushing by, by my own force? Sitting still makes me think too much. I better go. I got to build stuff for the chickens, pack, listen to music and cry (so I'm not a complete mess around your uncle. I'm sure your nana's got that covered (haha). Strangely it helps, she falls apart and I dry up. I love you Jess. Come by sometime when you get a chance okay?
It's your birthday(or mintues after by the time this post us done.
August 9, 2019
I've dreaded this day for 2 weeks. It's almost over and I'm actually surprised I managed to not do something stupid...stupid, I wonder why we're taught that word when it comes to wanting to control how it ends? I have a feeling you know all about this, yet I get crazy looks and denial all over the place! I read your texts again last night. There were way too many of me saying I was busy when I know you needed...come by tomorrow? That's what I would say. I nearly broke my phone throwing it reading what a huge fuck up I was. You deserved so much more than me. That's the honest truth. Some more truth?, It pisses me off. You should be here! Not me. I got the pleasure of half ass raising you..yet we both know YOU raised you. Always did. If my prediction is right and you didn't give a fuck at end...I don't blame you. I just wish I could have took your place. You had more to give, more to do! Now that you're not here..what am I supposed to do? I'm going to selfish and tell you, a day doesn't pass that I don't think about you, yet I fear looking at your photos. I don't want to believe any of this is real. I want you back so badly that everything hurts. If I knew for certain there was an afterlife, a chance to see you for just a minute, I would end myself to tell you I'm sorry for not being the mom I should have been. You want to know what makes me more shitty? I don't know what I could have done different. I could have answered every text right after you sent it, yet you would have likely gotten bored and said I was too smothering (notice mother is in the word, just saying). I would have done it though. I gave birth to you 23 years ago and 8 months and 15 days ago I lost you. I just want to find you.
Hey
July 17, 2019
Hey, I came across your pictures today. It was strange since they weren't in any kind of order, a few when you were younger, a baby pic, then as I was trying to shake the thought/sadness away, Bam! Recent photo with all your cheese! I could almost hear you telling me I couldn't escape you and laughing! I want to believe it's a sign you're okay. Maybe so much so that I want to bury the guilt for not answering your text that day or your call that night. I've realized since that it wouldn't have saved you, yet for my own selfishness, I could have heard your voice. I miss you. If there's anything after this..I hope you know how much I love you. How much those important to you, love you. You lied btw. You said you wouldn't make it to 25..I'm pissed that the world missed 3 years of you!
I'm pissed for the time I missed while you were here..yet not. I wish I could have reached you. I wish you could have seen what all of us seen in you. I wish more so that it was expressed. You were always my best friend. Yet I couldn't tell you how much you meant to me. We used to fight bc you forced me to see my demons. Rightfully so. I wish I had noticed sooner how much more fun we had when I stopped turning everything into a personal attack against my parenting. (Not that the thought doesn't still come across my mind, I was..and am, more grateful for the realization that its okay to Not agree. You opened my mind and allowed me to just be still and listen. I wished I had listened more. I love you always.
Dear Jess
June 19, 2019
Hey. I miss you. I had this crazy thought that maybe I could write you...you know, when I feel you not being close becomes too much. I'm having a real hard time without you. I pass the street to John's house on my way to Walmart and so badly I want to just go pick you up. I look over at the passenger seat a lot picturing you nodding out with a cigarette in your hand almost burning your thigh. I would holler at you and you would look up like you were awake the whole time, almost irritated. It's funny how much I think about the little things and how much I miss them! I miss hearing you say mom. I miss seeing you walk out to my car. I miss you asking about your sisters and how your voice would change when if you felt anyone wronged them. I miss looking at time and it be 3 or 4 am and we would laugh bc we both had to be up early but just didn't care. Your laugh...I miss those the most. My favorite is the deep throw your head back laugh. Your great grandma always said you laughed from your toes. I used to be real greedy wanting everything back., yet now,...I'd be happy to just breathe you in as you walked by.
Hey
June 25, 2019
Still missing you of course. The weekend is over, yet I know how you ignored that rule and would ask to come over during week. You ignored a lot rules. I miss that. I wish I would have told you., yet I don't think you needed anyone to tell you anything! While you were in the womb you made statements. I told Derek about you flipping the bird in your first ultrasound. Really wish I had that picture. I've been thinking a lot lately about the things that mean little to others and how much I try desperately to hold onto. I got mad at Dwayne earlier thinking he wore your shoes. I know its ridiculous, yet I want to hold everything as it was...yet I'm a hypocrite bc I wear your shirts..I'm down to 2 that hold your scent. I know, I have issues. One I keep sealed in a plastic bag, only breathing in when I'm desperate, for the fear of losing the memory of hugging you. The other, is the one you fell asleep in.
I really want to understand why you're not here. I want to blame someone too. Hell, for a while I wanted to blame you. I don't think you had intention of the outcome, yet I know your thoughts leading up to that night. I wish someone would tell me what you said or posted on snapchat that morning. Although the outcome is the same, it would feel better to know. But I guess I already know don't I? I know what your theories were on life, yet why did you stop caring? Damn. I know the answer to that too.
Okay, I'm going to be selfish. WTF?!!!! I'm going crazy (literally) without you! You're my first! My special boy, my ..best friend. I've been without you before, but I had a system to fight or I could pick you up at an airport or train station. I've never felt..This. I should have texted you back (sooner), I should have stayed awake. I'm sorry.
Life and death talk
May 2, 2019
I have many stories of course, yet if I were to pick one to be my first.. we had talked about life and death. We had actually talked about it a lot that week prior.(In the 2-3 times he had come over to talk). Unfortunately I can't for the life of me remember where he said he wanted his ashes spread; bc at the time, I really didn't think he would pass before me. So I made it a point to make sure he knew what to do with me! Still a hard truth to swallow, and not the main reason I choose this story first. Jesse had his down moments, but the first night he spoke of death with seriousness, (shortly before his 22nd birthday) he said one sentence I'll never forget. "You got 21 years out of me. You'll be fine., I don't even think it would upset you that much." I didn't even flinch. I didn't cry. I didn't respond, I didn't even give eye contact! I justified it by telling close family members that I had heard it many times before and knew he wanted a reaction. This was a lie. I let my ego be front and center. I didn't want to look weak. While at the same time, I wanted to be a friend who just listened. I was wrong. One of my many regrets, I should have been your mom and put my overthinking aside. I'll just end with I miss you Jesse. Even though I got 22 years out of you, it will never be enough! And you not being here, is NOT OKAY! I'm not upset, I'm. Empty. I didn't need a reason to be proud of you, You were always enough. The circumstances in your life wasn't because of you. It was the world around you. You were always tougher than you gave yourself credit for. You never should have had to be. I love you so much. Always. I should have been there more, I should have took more time to pay attention... I hope you're right about energy being immortal. I'll see you soon.