I woke up this morning knowing that today was the last day of April and then I burst into tears because tomorrow's your birthday. How I wish you were here to celebrate one more year of life, instead I'm facing another first, your 42nd birthday without you. I can still remember how I felt today 42 years ago. We didn't know your sex, but the joy of knowing that tomorrow I was going to meet the baby that we fought so hard to keep and we made it. I knew also that you would be the last baby that I was going to have, you were a medical miracle and that I wouldn't live through another pregnancy made you a truly special blessing and you were. You hit the world and got stronger by the minute and you started talking through your brother. You would make a sound and Brandon would say, Johnny wants this or Johnny wants that. You could walk at 9 months just like Brandon but you wouldn't give up the walker until you decided. You weaned yourself off the bottle by throwing your last one out the car window. You could hold your breath until you passed out when you were angry and it scared me but the Doctor just said make sure he's where he can't hurt himself when you passed out and that was your start at controlling a room when you walked in. That never changed in your lifetime. I watched you with people and how you nurtured and loved those you chose to be in your circle. When you were little I could hug and kiss you when you were hurt, but as you grew older you practiced not showing your pain to others. I saw your pain especially in your relationships and because you were you there weren't very many women you gave your heart to. You truly loved a lot of brothers and sisters,you and Brandon gave me the large family I wanted. I'm not ready to start losing that family. The other night I swear that I heard you driving the El Camino up and it wasn't just me Charlie ran to the door too and we both stared at the door waiting for you to walk through it and then the tears came because I knew you weren't ever going to walk though it again, and I looked at Charlie and said what's wrong with us? We both know he's not going to come through the door, but we both knew how much we wanted you to. Johnny I know that you knew how much I loved you and will continue to and I treasured every minute I had with you, life goes on and I have Brandon the grandchildren and great grandchildren along with the rest of the family and extended family but you truly are deeply missed today and always.

How much I miss you day by day doesn't get easier in fact it gets harder because its longer since I last saw you, talked to you and said I love you to your face and kissed you as you left. I know that you know what I'm going through as far as what's going on here. I wish I could talk to the last person you saw that night. The one who was coming over to pick something up from you. I wish you would have told me what you really wanted to that night because you were so hesitant to leave me in Park City and you called me and text me several times when you got home. I know you had something to tell me that night but you hesitated and couldn't.  Did you find out something about you and your health when you went to the dr? I feel like you knew that it was the last time I would see you. When I found the plaque in your room that you had bought telling us not to grieve but you would be there to welcome us when we joined you, told me you knew something. Honey I know one thing and I tried to call you Saturday and talk to you about it. The last time you called you said goodbye beautiful mother I love you more. You never said goodbye because you said that it was permanent. I was so sick to my stomach and uneasy Saturday when I couldn't reach you even blowing up the phone so I knew you were okay, but you didn't you didn't say dammit mom I'm trying to sleep.  I wanted to hear those words more than anything. Our lives have changed so much since you left and for the good but I would give anything to be with you right now. I would never want to take you from heaven and being with those you love so much too and of course suicide is never an option to be together but I want you in my life so  much and not as a  memory. I love you forever infinity and beyond