22 years, I don't know where the time goes. I didn't think for a moment I would get through 22 hours, or 22 days, but some how 22 weeks become 22 months and whether or not I know where it's gone becomes irrelevant because 22 years have past since waking that awful morning in Montreal to find my little boy's lifeless.
People say time heals but that's not what it does; nothing heals that big a loss, and life never returns to what it was before. It's not possible. What time does, eventually, is bring with it a numbness, a resigned and reluctant acceptance to helplessness and fragility of our existence. It doesn't matter one tiny bit how many tears I cry, how many strategies I use to avoid or deny grief, because, at the end of the day death is insurmountable, indiscriminate and inevitable.
What I have finally learned from your precious life having been cut too short, is that life is fragile, and precious. It is never promised or guaranteed. What you think you have today, may well be snatched away before tomorrow even arrives. So do not put off those calls to loved ones, do not hold back on chances to catch up with friends and family, embrace new challenges and experiences. LIVE every single day of your life. Because there is only now, and it is an unparalleled gift, the gift of life.
This is what your beautiful and precious (short) life has taught me Johnny Starrs. That life is now. This is the lesson that we all ought to have learned from our loved ones who have been taken too soon, treasure the people we have and the life that we are living. And please, do one thing for me today, pick up the phone, call your mother, or your son or your sister, or a friend. Take 10 minutes to have the conversation you've not made time for in a while. Don't let more 22 minutes pass, or they WILL become 22 days. Make the call, and after it, when you are happy that you did, send a little happy thought, or prayer out into the universe for my little boy, Johnny Starrs, who travelled to heaven 22 years ago today.

Nite nite my sweet little angel, Mummy loves you xxxx

It's difficult to believe that you would now be 21 years old. A man, all grown with all sorts os memories and a whole future a head of you.
But
Well it's better not to dwell on what would, could or should have been. It doesn't help, it doesn't change things and it doesn't fill the void of where you werw 21 years ago.

We will be together again soon Johnny, my little gorgeous angel. And when we are all these things and so much more will shine bright, and forever.

I love you, so much and forever my sweet little boy.
Mummy loves you always xxxxxxxx

Your birthday cakes all left unmade
The hide and seek we never played
I never got to see you walk
Or sit and teach you how to talk.
You never ran along the sand,
Or placed in mine your tiny hand.

You graced our life for just a while
Before you left without a smile.
You did not fuss at heavens call
Not a cry, not even small
Though angels oversaw your birth
They marked you as too good for earth.

Though some years pass with shameful ease
Others make you pray to please
Forever shut these eyes so bleary
To a world thats left me oh so weary
For there's no true joy left to save
When a mother's child lies in the grave

Now 20 years have been and gone
And while they're right, life does go on
It leaves each year some new fresh scars
That mark where once was Johnny Starrs.

Another birthday came and went
Another year without you spent
And sure as tides ebb in and out
Sure as death will bring no doubt
My heart will always miss you.

Another year brings good and bad
Another mix of joy and sad
But just as day still follows night
Just like stars still so bright
My heart forever holds you.

Though as the decades fumble by
The tears, my eyes no longer cry
But certain as the winter snow
Is followed by the summer glow
My heart never forgets you.

Xxxx

Where have 16 years gone little man. I didnt think I would have made it through 16 days without you. I guess you have walked every step with me in a very different way to how I thought you would have this time 16 years ago. Thank you for shinning down on me and giving me strength when I thought I had none, for giving me the ability to love when I believed I never could again and for reminding me that angels really do exist. I love you every day Johnny xxxxxx