ForeverMissed
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Five years

September 9, 2018

Today was especially hard. I cant believe it's been 5 years. Not sure how I have survived, dont know if I can make 5 more. The pain is the same like you just left. I miss you with every ounce of my being. I feel myself aging at a rapid pace, every day is hard. You are always on my mind not a day goes by I dont miss you. I can only wait til that day when I can see you again. I hope you will be there to sneak me in. My love stretches thru time and space to find you. ❤

Happy Birthday

March 20, 2015

Today was one of the three happiest of my life. Now I dread its approach, saddened by the ache in my arms and my heart. Most days I muddle through, managing to mask to the outside world the pain inside. But on days like like today, the tears just come. Uncontrolable. I wish I could relive every second of your short 26 years again. I know you are still there, the signs are all that keep me going. I hope you know, wherever you are, how much I love you and that not a minute goes by that I don't miss you. 

Today I gave you life, then it was taken from me.... I am forever changed from who I was before. Wherever you are, please be happy and know that someday I WILL find you. ❤️

Happy 28th Birthday

March 20, 2015

You know, I've said it before and I'll say it again... Some days are just harder than others. I mean, every single day I think of you and have little reminders at every corner that you are absent. But on days like today it sucks more. 

This is only the second birthday we are celebrating without you, but at times it truly feels like an eternity. Trying so hard so far today to focus on all of the things about you that made me smile, which of course is making me cry. I look like I was punched in the face and it's only 9:30AM. I can just hear you making fun of me now... But I honestly can't put into words today how I am feeling. I can't even describe to you how much I long to hear your voice- even if it was just to hear you say something totally asinine. I look forward to those tiny little pokes that let me know that you're still there... They truly mean the world to me. Thank you for telling me you still love me. It's the only thing that makes this any easier. 

I miss you. I love you. Today I will eat some bacon for you. And I will keep going because I know you'd want me to.... Happy Birthday Fatness. <3 

Andrew Laude...

January 7, 2015

So only a little over a year after losing you, today I got the call from Drew's brother Jeff that Drew had died in his sleep over night... They think that his heart stopped but they aren't sure at this point. Drew was one of the people who had tried to stay closest to me since we lost you... He tried to be there for me. He really did love you and looked up to you more than I think you ever realized. He went through so much and was so emotionally broken... I tried to keep him in the right direction as best I could, as I know you did also. He told me that he felt closer to you through me and it helped him with his grief. He was truly heartbroken over your loss... I just hope that you were there to help him over to the other side. He had a big heart and I will really miss him. Do me a favor and let him know that <3 Miss you more than ever... 

Merry Christmas 2014

December 24, 2014

So this is the second time I'm having a Christmas without you... In the last week or so it's been weighing on my heart heavily. You know, a day without you is a day without you, but some times just seem oddly worse than others. I've seen so many things I might have bought you for Christmas that would have made you laugh... There are times I've flat out heard you in my head! :)

I can't really put into words how I'm feeling today, but I wanted to tell you I know it's not your fault, but you suck for leaving me here... When I find you I'm going to give you one hell of a punch in the arm. I love the shit out of you and Christmas, like every other day, just isn't the same without you. <3

One year...

September 9, 2014

One year ago today I got a call like I had so many other times... That Jonny needed me. It wasn't completely different than other calls I had gotten before, but somehow I knew this was different. I had always known that my brother wasn't going to live to be an old man, but I never dreamed I'd lose him so early. Today marks one full year of doing everything without him. From every birthday, every holiday, every time we have a barbecue, to every time I drive home from work without calling him... I've done it all at least once without him. I see things daily that remind me that he is still here and watching over us... Sometimes it is truly amazing what manages to come through. It really does help to know that he is still his quirky, good humored self and that he didn't just fade away somewhere. I can't express in words how terribly heart broken I am to have lost him. The entire experience still haunts me and tears my soul apart... 

But today starts our second year. We move forward not because we want to, but because we HAVE to. Today I choose to celebrate all the reasons that made me love him so much. And while every experience life has to offer without him I mourn his absent presence, I also will celebrate every moment that I had with him. I am so incredibly lucky to have had him and shared a mutual love the way we did. Thank you for the time in your life and the effort in your afterlife. I love you more than you'll ever know. <3

Kittens...

September 5, 2014

So last week we found that the stray Mama kitty that lives in our neighborhood had kittens in our back yard under one of the wood piles in front of the metal shed. We caught them and are working on getting Mama fixed. This has been a wonderful distraction as we creep closer to your one year mark. But there was something that made me totally raise an eyebrow about one of the kittens... There are four- two tabby and two orange/tan. On of the tabbies has not an M on his forehead, but a W.... Now most people wouldn't think much of that, but knowing that you were a big fan of Wario from the Mario brothers, I just had to laugh. I can just hear you now- "OH MY GOD THAT'S AWESOME!" So we've named him accordingly. I know you would have taken him. Thank you for yet another little poke to remind me you're still checking in on me. Miss you like hell <3

Happy Birthday to me....

August 7, 2014

Today, it's eerily quiet. Today is not just my birthday... Today is the last FIRST. We've gone through every other holiday and everyone else's birthdays. Mine is the last one before the one year mark... It still continues to haunt me that he will forever be absent from my life. His image is still so fresh in my mind. I can hear him so clearly... Because he was such a huge part of my daily life every moment that passes is a reminder that something is missing. I've tried very hard to remain as positive as I can and not dwell on it, but the fact is half of my heart was torn away. Today is a day I should be happy. I should be focused on my family and all I have to be grateful for... Instead the first thing that came into my head as I rolled over this morning was that he wasn't there. I truly miss him with all of my heart. <3 I love you Jonny and wish you were here to tell me I'm old and smell today... 

Justin's 12th Birthday

July 18, 2014

So today is Justin's first birthday without you... As difficult as it has been for me in every aspect of my life I tried very hard not to focus on this today. It was about Justin and his birthday. We went up to the Danbury Mall for the day... Walked around, went to the Lego Store, and even to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch. It really was a great day! But around every corner there was something to me remind me of you... Spiderman was on EVERYTHING you could think of!!! The kids pointed out every item they saw. However right now all of the super heroes are a big fad, so I try not to project anything into most of that. It really is all over the place. I don't want to tell myself you're there if it's really just a coincidence. One of the stores we went into was a little toy store... While looking around Justin happened to find a small matchbox sized hunter green Jeep Cherokee. Same body style as yours too... there were three in the back of a row of many other cars tucked into the wall. Justin shreiked when he found it, "LOOK MOMMY!!! It's Uncle Jonny's Jeep!" It honestly brought tears to my eyes that I could not hold back. I know you were with us today and found a way to poke me... Thank you... <3 <3 <3 Miss you like hell...

Happy Memorial Day 2014

May 25, 2014
Hey Fatness... Thinking of you a lot today... We're having the Piercey's over and Billy The Meat Master is making ribs. As I am crushing Oreos for Oreo balls all I can think about is calling you. "What up Fatness- what time are you coming over? I need you to stop at the packy and help set up a few tables..." And I can hear you... "Bitch what's for lunch? You smell. Mmmmmmm... Ribs... I don't know what everyone else is eating...." And then I went to change the channel for the kids to find them something to watch. Guess what was on? SPIDER-MAN 3. I tried to keep going, but Justin jumped on it. "Mommy go back! Spider-Man is on!!!" I just wanted to tell you that I miss you so much. We all do... Hope you peek in on me again soon.

Staind 5/8/14

May 8, 2014
Today I'm going to see Staind with my friend Rachel... It's a concert I would have been going to with you, so I figured going with a close friend who has also lost her brother is the next best thing... Today I sat and went through text messages I still have in my phone. They go back a few years. It still cracks me up to read them... We were never at a loss of names to call each other! Just to name a few: Fatness, Sir Smellsalot, Captain Duffas, Sir Fattington, retarded, Atarded(first class retarded), Dipshit, Stinky... Just to name a few... Just about every few texts we are making fun of each other and then talking about you coming over. I miss the hell out of you... I can't send you a text anymore, but I just wanted you to know that you smell and I want to know when you're coming back over....

Happy birthday♡

March 20, 2014
Ten years ago today, I brought you a birthday cheesecake and we went to go see Dawn of the Dead with the guys. During the movie, this extremely hefty woman turned to a zombie, and you said to me, "Danielle, I didn't know you were in this movie!" I miss your humor so much. Especially the way you'd laugh. I miss our jokes. I miss it all. We had so many fun and crazy adventures together. You were missed greatly before you left, but now knowing I will never get to see you again hurts so badly. I wish you were here now sharing a cheesecake and telling me to get myself back in the kitchen where I belong and make another. ;) I owe my flare for baking to you ♡ I owe so much to you. Thank you for always being there for me, for always looking out for me, for all the laughs and memories, but I wish there were more. I made a little collage of the few pictures I have that survived the years, seeing them and thinking back to those days always makes me happy. Makes me feel blessed that I was able to share all of them with you. I always look for you, I'm always here. Love you, you big lug, and I miss you terribly. ♡ happy birthday, JoN.

Happy Birthday

March 20, 2014

So the day is finally over and I can finally pull it together enough to write this. I miss you more than my heart can bear. If not for the signs you send I don't know what I would do. You are on my mind and in my heart every minute of every day. Ironic that one of the happiest days of my life is now one of the saddest. I hope that you and grandpa are smoking cigars, playing poker and drinking scotch together.

Someday I hope you will be there to say "Ma, I'm right here!" and show me all there is on the other side.

Your awesome smile and beautiful blue eyes will never leave my mind or heart. I am so proud of the man you became. I will love you forever Jonny.

Happy Birthday

Mom

Happy 27th Birthday

March 20, 2014
On March 19th 1987 I had the flu. Mom and dad brought James and I over to Auntie Siggi and Uncle John's house because it was time for mom to go into the hospital. For some reason I wouldn't take my medicine. Auntie Siggi told me if I took it she would buy me a My Little Pony. She bought me a purple pony with white flowers on it's butt... I still wonder what happened to that pony... It was something so small and insignificant, but it is a reminder of the day my life changed forever. You were born the next day. You and I always got along well as kids. As adults? Not only brother and sister, but the best of friends. I could tell you anything, and always count on you to there for me no matter what the occasion, and that went back at you. The hole that has been left in my life because you are gone is unfathomable. I will be thinking of you today, as I do everyday. If you decide to stop by I will be wearing green... So you can see me... :) I love you and miss you with all my heart. Happy Birthday baby brother.
November 17, 2013
Last night I dreamed that I was in a place I had never seen before. There were no plants, but it reminded me of a greenhouse. Jon and I were sitting on this couch and chatting. He was drawing pictures of Spider-Man in the air with his finger, they were shimmery like webs. When I asked what they were for, he said he was leaving them around for his family and friends to find. He said he could only come visit sometimes but that we shouldn't worry, and he did mention that he was coming back to see Kristina next time. It wasn't like a typical dream where it feels surreal and weird things happen out of nowhere, it was as if it was really happening, and all we did was talk. I hugged him and when I woke up I could still feel the button from his plaid shirt on my cheek. He just seemed peaceful and calm and it made me feel that way too.

He told me he's ok...

October 17, 2013
On the night of 10/5/13 I had a dream where I believe Jonny came to me to let me know that he is alright... Jim, my children, and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie. Jonny came in and was standing in the doorway between the kitchen and living room. He was wearing a light blue tee shirt and jeans. I got up and ran to him- threw my arms around him, and gave him a HUGE hug. He looked at me stupid, like how we always used to joke around like "Eeeeewwwww! Get off me!" I said "Oh my god-Jonny I thought you were dead! I saw you! I knew you were dead! I can't believe you're here!" He looked at me with the same goofy look and says "I don't know what you're talking about because I'm right here..." And smiles a smug grin. Then he comes and sits with all of us on the couch. I remember looking at him and thinking he looked thinner than I had remembered... I sat with him on my left side and I kept saying "But I saw you! I can't believe you're here! I thought you were dead! I'm so glad you're here!" He looked at me very sympathetically and said "Kristy, I'm ok... Don't worry- I'm ok" I just kept holding on to his arm saying "I'm so glad you're here- I really thought you were dead..."

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