ForeverMissed
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11 years

December 16, 2022
Jord,.  Finally...after all these years, all the tears, the pain,.  Jord, thank you for your guidance, I know in my soul , you have always been with me, you always are,.  I know you are watching over me now , I finally have begun to allow my soul and heart to accept, that it might be ok for me to be happy. To trust. A friend.  To trust at all , anything, anyone, has been busy impossible till now,. I think it has to do with working at the farm, it's giving me so much self worth, making a difference, and people actually acknowledge me for doing what is just right.  I love it so much.  And I know, you have alot to do with the unbelievable people that are in my life now,    I won't be negative, but you are always the one , ...I will see you again,.   Jord.  I love you , until the of time.    Love.  Your mama 

Wish you were here..

November 29, 2022
Jord, as always I miss you, I know you watch after me, I always feel your presence,. I love being with the family again, Taylor is amazing, she reminds me of you, ... It's been so long and such a journey to open my heart, a heart that was shattered, who would even know how to put one piece together,.  But Tina and Jen have been more than I could ever imay, thier love has been amazing,.   Right now I'm so scared jord....I'm going into a place in my life I have not been since I lost you.     When you were physically here.  I had the world, I had hopes , dreams.  I could see a future, since you have been gone my entire world turned grey, hopeless and not worth anything, I felt I failed, and did not deserve happiness, .,...jord.    I'm not sure if I do...but I want to be happy....I want to truly live and love again, even if it means living and forgiving myself.... I miss our talks.   Losing you in this life.  I will never understand why.....I love you jord.  Until the end of time. Love your mama

You are always with me

July 15, 2022
Jord..I remember when we used to talk. You said.   When you get sad or lost. Just write or draw. Lol. I will write about you forever.    I miss you so much...i can't understand time ...it seems like yesterday.  It seems like forever....1 jord hug.  ....i miss you so much.  I dont understand why the universe has separated us.  I don't get the lesson...but i will do whatever it takes to see you again...i know i will!!!!!!i will love you until the end of time!!!!

Jord i love and miss you beyon8 the end of time. I did say until the end of time. But i realized.y.

July 10, 2022
I miss you!!!!!! With every part of me....down to my bones...my soul....its like half of my entire existence was torn from me...somthing i will never get back.  Lost.   Forever....how the F.... Do you recover.  Its so not funny...its tragic....not in the way feel sorry for me.  Its tragic.  Because.  Its the fucking most painful. Thing......fucking ever...i miss you.  Imiss you. And thats all i wanna share right now.   

What would it be like?

February 8, 2022
I still think about you every day..who would imagine that a mother would have to look for signs? Still i hear the cardinal, i see the 11 11 11 in a row.  But who could imagine. That .....who could be more thankful for the signs you show me!!!! They get me through the really really hard times,   somehow i know.  You send me these ...just to let me know.  You are their.  Always have been jord...you said" we have known eachother for centuries"   well..i cant wait till the next.....finishing this one without you is pretty tough.     Until we meet again.  I love you until the end of time!!!!!!
January 15, 2021
Jord, it's been so long since I have written anything, I just want to make sure my thoughts my words my everything is known.    I still miss you. Just like it was yesterday, when I said I will talk to you tomorrow,.  It seems like no time has gone by.   I love you.  I thank you for everything.  And I miss you more today than I did yesterday,.  But I do know you are with me always and forever until the end of time. 
January 11, 2019

JORD,    wow.   You never leave my mind , my heart , my soul,  in EVERYTHING I do in life , I think of you,   what your sister is going THROUGH,    what I go through,  what I have been through, that part I leave in the past,   but you remain,  my past , my present,  even though your not here physically,  you are always by my side , and although my future remains unknown, I believe be cause of the impact you still have on my soul and how wonderful you were...and still are.  I believe because of you , .. my precious son,    I miss you so MUCH,  with every BREATHE I take.  I truly miss you , love always your mama UNTIL the end of time 

Christmas

December 22, 2018

oh. JORD.   I can't explain my feelings ,  I'm gonna try ,    I'm so proud of myself,  and I know in my heart you have been there with me through this insidious journey,  your ALWAYS my light, you are who I walk towards every day knowing we will meet AGAIN,    I'm super excited about this Christmas,  I get to be with our family,  and ....know for the first time , I can hold my head up high HIGH,  and say ....i am ok....finally....but it is through your power of love, compassion,  that has givin me the strength I have today,   you have ALWAYS been my teacher,  my hero,  my soulmate,  I miss you so MUCH,     I love you JORD UNTIL the end of time 

December 6, 2018

jord....i miss you do MUCH...but I know yourvso proud of me right now.....i really try so hard not to be sad........but I am....but at the same time I'm better than ever....and it's only because of you, and being positive ,  and never looking at the negative,   but to do my best to try to find some positive in this life......thst I live without you ..and yet still with you....you know what I mean....at the most ...even now .your passion for life, your compassion for people....you.....keep me going.....i love you always jord.  Until the end of time ...love mama

October 21, 2018

the days go by, months,  and years,   I will never understand why people say.  Oh. He's in a better place,  or, at least he didn't suffer, or why they say.  Oh.    One day I'll know why this happened,    it's all nice things ,  but the fact of the matter is that,  your not here,  and I think about you so much that , what everyone says makes no sense,  the only thing I know for sure is that you were only 19.       19.  A baby a young incredible man , and you were here and then you were NOT ,   I don't think anyone should look at the good side of that,  it kinda makes me angry,   but I'm not ,   I'm just sad and lost ,   I do t want to hear your at peace now.    I'm selfish. What about me ,   we promised to be together,  why did you leave me ,     o miss you so much,   I miss you jord ,   I can't believe this happened,    I just miss you so MUCH 

October 14, 2018

JORD,   I miss you ,   but tonight I'm upset ,  see ,   I don't want my words to be mistaken,  and I don't want them to sound selfish,  but the simple fact is , I'm not ok ,  I want to see you, get a JORD hug ,  it's not like anything you can explain in words, it's like I am living , my heart is beating,  but with every breath I take , I think of you ,    JORD,    you are a part of my entire soul,   I'm not sure , how much longer I can wait...to be with you AGAIN,    my entire self ,   although I created you, you created me ,  I'm NOTHING WITHOUT YOU,   I love you JORD,  UNTIL the end of time 

September 24, 2018

my sweet JORD,  if only , and it's sad and ridiculous,  I have to say that,   today is Sunday,  you were going to cook on Monday,  vegetarian spaghetti,    you were mad , but lol,  you were never mad, you just always wanted to be kind ,   and show off your amazing cooking skills,   you were amazing on the kitchen,    but you made a mess ,  drive me crazy,    but you had true cooking skills ,   I want any one who reads this to know , you.   You JORD,  a amazing cook , a real person who lived his life true,  honest,  and wonderful,    I have the privilege of you being my son , but the universe got a angel ,   and I miss you so much.    I can't believe this is happening,  but ...i do know.   I will not only see you AGAIN,  but ,,,,we will as we said to each other be together AGAIN,      my life here on earth is not the same.   , I love u until the end of time 

September 18, 2018

jord ,    I can't pretend that , well I just miss you,   at katelynn birthday,  how beautiful and remarkable,  you have the most amazing family, I know your looking , or flying , or floating,   point is , since you passed ,   your family is strong,  loving,  sincere, in so many ways,  you did this ,   I know how much you love jay n tay,    how much you love your sister,   and how you watch over katelynn,    I however have to be honest and selfish,    I miss you , and to write that is a huge understatement,     I don't know why this tragedy happened,  so many say , I'll get my answer ,   truth is I don't want a answer.     I want you.  And I'm so sick and tired of pretending it's ok.    It's not.   I'll never be ok again.       Till I'm with you.  

September 8, 2018

just was thinking,   reading  of all I have written over the years , nothing has changed,  I will never understand why this happened,  it's like one day I have a life, a future to believe in , hopes, dreams, seeing you grow into a man, then in one second my world ended, who I was, i will never be again, the entire world I had imagined ended, and I still after all these years , btw,  seems like yesterday,  the world I live in , is just a place where I'm stuck, till I see you AGAIN,  it's TRULY,  a sadness I will feel till I see you AGAIN,  I miss you jord so very much,  I love you JORD,   I love and miss you UNTIL the end of time love your mama 

August 30, 2018

it's simple tonight , my sweet loving, compassionate son ,   they say " pain turns into memories "   I say they are one in the same,   the pain of you not being here physically on this earth,  is a pain , no one can describe with words, although , it's true,  the memories are without a doubt,  all I have my son , so they are one in the same, the pain , and knowing I have memories,  that is all I have , in there , resides the pain of my memories,   if that makes any sense , to me ..it does ,   I miss you jord UNTIL the end of time love your mama 

August 20, 2018

Jord,  I miss you so much, I don't care if I write the same thing over and over , because,  I feel it EVERY day , I never stop thinking about you , I was looking at a picture tonight,    you were with Skye,  you were going to San Francisco,  for the first time, omg , what a journey,  you set out on ,  how many lives you touched , without even knowing, how wonderful,  your spirit, your soul , you JORD,   to good and pure , and kind to be on this earth, no.     Your journey had a better place,  a higher meaning,  I know that ,  but it does not stop me from missing you , I'm selfish,  I wanted you here, but that wasn't the plan , you ....came to this earth,  made a impact on so many lives, you were always a angel.   ..but it does not make it any easier for me , .selfish again,   well I'll be selfish,  I have the greatest son in the universe,  compassionate,  loving, caring, selfless, always taking care of others ...to good to be true,   you have always been a angel,    I just miss you, I miss you so much i.......i just miss you , I want my pain to end ,   it's all the time.  The only way my pain will stop is when we are reunited,  and I know we will be.  Until then. , know.  I just want a hug, a jord hug.     You jord have always been my heart and my soul , that doesn't mean I made the best choices as a mother , I'll be the first to say , I made mistakes,  but there is no doubt, no question,  ever , I loved you before you were born , I wrote letters to you ,   I always felt I wasn't good enough for you ,   you deserve more than me ,   but,  you told me , that day at the beach,   you know what you said,    you got it.   Thank you JORD.  I miss and love you so much

Thinking of you

August 19, 2018

Jord,  your on my mind ,soul, and heart, all the time , it's so crazy,  how much I miss you you , like,  I just talk to you yesterday,  and I really , love this website,  aunt Tina created,  because,  I know it's important to be able to share my feelings,  omg , I miss you , time does not heal , that's a lie  , time teaches you to keep the pain to your self , cause nobody wants to hear about it , time , wtf is time , nothing , I just want to see you , see your smile, get a hug ,   I just miss you so much ,   it's so crazy,  one phone call I got , changed my world , changed everything I ever believed in,  till this day,  until the day I see you AGAIN,  I will never understand this ,   I wake up every morning,  I look at your picture,   I take a deep breath,  and tell you I love you ,  then. ..i say yyyyyyy  and I'm sad.  I live,  the rest of my life being sad ,  how can I possibly be happy, or ok , or content,  without you ,   I love you JORD, with all my heart,  soul,  I love you 

Happy birthday

August 9, 2018

dear jord , I miss you , the 4th of july just passed,  we always watched the fireworks on the beach In fort Lauderdale,  what i would do to have that time back ,  there is no mistake,  so many issues,  but we were together,  jord I miss you , I miss what was , and what should have been ,  I should have made so many different choices,  I miss you kiddo , more than words could ever explain,  I simply just miss you , and I WILL LOVE YOU UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN,     love always 

July 8, 2018

dear jord , I miss you , the 4th of july just passed,  we always watched the fireworks on the beach In fort Lauderdale,  what i would do to have that time back ,  there is no mistake,  so many issues,  but we were together,  jord I miss you , I miss what was , and what should have been ,  I should have made so many different choices,  I miss you kiddo , more than words could ever explain,  I simply just miss you , and I WILL LOVE YOU UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN,     love always 

June 9, 2018

sometimes I turn off the t.v. I just sit, I sit in complete silence,  and I talk to you ,  and I'm pretty sure you hear me ,  those times are the most peaceful,   it's just me and you kiddo , it's just so hard JORD,  I probably  need some counseling,  but then  NO,  nobody can help me through this nightmare I live everyday,  what will they say ,  he would want you to be happy , he would not want you to be sad,  he would want you to know he's in a better place ,   well that's a given,  of course I know that,  but what they don't understand is when you passed to that greater place , I'm stuck here, missing you, I'm not in Any way selfish,  but I am , I feel my hopes and dreams of my future were taken from me , so excuse me for not finding comfort that your I a better place ...i want you here, and that to was taken , how can anyone not understand,  I wanted to see you grow into a man , I'm just angry , because I just miss you so much , not a day goes by when I just want a call or a text.    But I'll never get that .....i simply just miss you , my son , my teacher,  my hero always until the end of time , love your mama 

JORDAN

June 8, 2018

wow.   I miss you so much ,   I talk to you every day,  I know you are watching over all of us ,   and since you are , I know you are thrilled of what is going on ,   no need to say. Cause I still feel you ALL around ,   jord.   I miss talking to you ,    I go through things , and I always say,  if only I could call you , get your advice  , lol.   You would say.  , mama ,  don't worry so much ,    laugh every chance you get ,   don't be so down all the time ,    find a way to be free. To enjoy your life to the fullest.   LMAO.   You just made everything so simple , and sweet , but yet you had a mind that was so deep , and beyond smart ,  but in your life here,  you made it all about love,  caring,  and being kind,   jord you are my HERO,  I miss you so much ,     sometimes I can't even BREATHE,   but then.  , I know I have to.   , I really really,  can't wait,  to see you. And get a jord hug,  I love and miss you UNTIL the end of time love your mama 

April 27, 2018

JORD,  thank you ,   I see your signs , I feel you all around me , it is undecrible,  how I know your watching not only watching over me , but our entire family,  I love to write to you , but it's very important to me that not only me , but others get your message,  that you are present  , your soul is like none other , you love us all so much , and as we always said we will find a way to let it be known ,   JORD,  you lived your short life on this earth,  but you made such a impact,  that has paved a way for great miraculous things ,   my inspiration has always come from you , and your divine gift , to love unconditionally,  your love for life and individuals,  has paved a path for me , that could only come from you ,   have courage and be kind ,   I miss you so much ,   but I will make you proud ,  just as I am not only proud of you , but learned from you ,  jord,    I never know how gonna feel , or what may trigger a unbelievable pain , but what I am learning and in fact exspering,  is your always here somehow,   that keeps me going , I not only want to make you proud ,  knowing every step I take is a step closer to you ,  for a famous jord hug ...i love you jord UNTIL the end of time love your mama 

April 11, 2018

I watched a walk to remember tonight ,   a great movie papa made me watch  ,   oh does papa have a way with his movies ....but at the end of the movie a part stands out , so I'm going to  write it , thinking of you jord , I'll always miss you , but our love is like the wind,  I can't see it , but I can feel it , jord you didn't know it , but you taught me so much , about life , hope and well i can't lie , I never expected this journey that I am on , but much like the movie ,  everyday I know I'm taking a step towards you , and your beautiful light that always is shining,  I the stars at night , in the bright blue sky, and even in a storm, where there is rainbow that follows , you are here always and forever until the end of time , and until we meet again,    I love you jord 

April 6, 2018

JORD,  the next chapter In this UNIMAGINABLE story , is me ,    working on forgiving myself ,  not focusing on all my mistakes ,   but knowing you love me , unconditional,   I have spent years beating my self up , thinking wondering , if I would have just made one different decision,  you would be here , I am not saying I still don't feel the same way,  but I am saying,  I can't go back , but what I can do is try not to be so hard on myself,  and continue to help others , just like you ,   but. I promise,  I will try not to feel so guilty ,because,  I know you would not want me to , .....like I said,  even though I can't see you , I so much feel you , your soul is still so much a part of me that even in your passing remains and plays a huge part in the way I live this life 

April 6, 2018

Jord , today I went through something,    someone said something so painful to me about you ,   a coworker was angry , and said terrible things to me ,  the worst thing she said , was you were dead because of me ,   that hurt me to the core of my soul , I the meeting , this person apologize to me , now whether she ment it or not , did not make a difference,  I prayed before the meeting ,   yes jord.   I prayed for strength,   because I was so deeply hurt that a human being could be so cruel and heartless to speak of my precous son with no regard ,  but jord ,   I forgave her , with tears rolling down my eyes , as she apologized,  I forgave her , and again , thinking of you , and your unconditional love for life and people ,   it felt good jord ,   although you are not here physically,  you continue to be my teacher, my hero and my soulmate,  I love you so much , always until the end of time love your mama 

April 5, 2018

Jord ,  I am writing tonight because there have been many people who I share your story , your life , your courage with , and almost all of them say the same thing ,   god took your son , so he would not suffer, he was so special,  god would not allow it , so he embrassed you , with all of your kindness , stegnth , and a pure heart , he took you to a place , where there would be no sadness , and hurt , god saw you and protected you , as well , I should thank god for that and not be selfish,  what am I supposed to say.  Thank you for bringing my son to a place where there is only happiness and unicorns,  rainbows,    well , I can't lie , if anyone in the entire universe deserved that.  It's jord ,   I feel bad for being so sad , empty , lost, but I should look at the big picture ,   you love my jord so much , you spared him from any pain on this broken world ,   but , make no mistake about it ,    did you god consider how broke I would be without him , did you over estimate how strong I am ,    I can't tell you I do , because,  I don't,     but I can say,  what a lucky god you are to have this precious soul,   do I think you hate selfish.  Yes. ,   do I forgive you ,  ABSOLUTLY,    because he is and always has been a true Angel,    but don't be mad at me , or not understand,  why I miss him with all that I am ,    

March 16, 2018

If today was yesterday, I would tell you how much I love you , I would say to you , how you changed my life , the way I think , the way I feel, the way I look at others, if today was yesterday,  I would take your hand so tight and skip through a parking lot into a store and not give a damn about what anyone thought, if today was yesterday , I would walk along the beach hand n hand , picking up more seashells then before , if today was yesterday,  I would ,be patient and wait for you to come home and cook a spaghetti dinner that you so much wanted to cook ,   but today is today, and I have no tomorrows,  so when I say I love you till the end of time , I loved you yesterday , I love you today,  I love you until the end of time love your mama 

March 2, 2018

Jord , I heard the cardinal this morning , just as I was talking to you , ohhh he was singing like crazy ,   jord I always want to write to you , and I thank your aunt Tina for making it possible,  you always told me to write,  and that it would help , and it does , but it doesn't change the fact , that no matter what anyone says , no matter how much everyone says your in a better place , omg. The worst ..things happen for a reason , they say I don't know it now , or understand it now , but one day when we are reunited,  I will have my answers ,   well jord ,   it gives me no comfort,  people can judge me , say I have self pity , say I use you for a excuse,  bottom line ,   I simply miss you , I feel so empty inside my soul , a part as been ripped away , it is truly undecrible,  so I don't know what else to say tonight , except I wish you were here ,   I want to talk to you ,   I want to know how you would be at 25 , I am left with only wonder,    what if.    Jord I miss you with everything that I am , and everything that I'm not .  I just miss you ...love always your mama 

March 1, 2018

Jord,  it's the beginning of March,    you know I worked at the hospital,  I started my circle time with counting down the days when you would be here , I remember like it was yesterday,  you called me everyday at 1130.  And you thanked me and meme and papa for getting your tickets ,  you were so sweet , I remember you wanted to bring clothes to me , asking me if I still had some of your clothes ,  what a unbelievable sweet soul you have , ...with that being said ,   I would give anything to go back to March 1st. 2012 ,   I just miss you , they say time heals , they say you want me to move on , they say alot of things ,   and although I was far from perfect or anything close ,   I always and forever believe we belong together ,  when you passed , yes my heart broke into pieces,  but my soul , that is connected with yours still .....is in pain , but patient , knowing ....i will get my Jordan hug. ,   and that my sweet son is the only thing that keeps me going ,    oh. Besides your unbelievable niece...shes special jord,  I know you know that,    but when it comes down to it ....i miss you with every breath I take , I love you jord UNTIL the end of time love your mama 

February 18, 2018

Your smile was a smile that you may come across 4 or 5 times in a life he seemed to understand you and believe in you , just as you would be like to understand and believe in...

February 18, 2018

Jpre its as if I can talk to you , see I'm going through something that is unimaginable,  my heart hurts and I need to do the right thing ,   omg.  If only I could call you ,  your insight was perfect ,  your unimaginable understanding I need ,   I miss you so much.   I'm pissed off.   Why. The fuck did the universe take you. Didn't the gods know ,   I need you.  I can not live without you. , yes I work , I exist, but , I don't. I go through the motions. But I am broke without you ,   I miss you Jordan David,  I miss you , my entire being , will never be the same,  until we meet again,  I love you until the end of time,  love 

February 18, 2018

TTonight   , I'm thinking...i miss your words of wisdom,  I remember,  occations when I would call you , and we'll you were a great listener,  you jord , would listen and sometimes we didn't agree , but .you had the best advice ever , just LOVE,     and if your sad.   Write...draw.   play a instrument.  Lol..i could never draw.   Never play a instrument,  but I can write..jord before you were born I wrote a note to you , I wish I still had it , but I remember what I wrote,  you were a angel,  sent to me , and I remember writing this , turns out it was true ,  you are a angel and I write that with the true meaning , what a beautiful soul ,  I just think of you when I'm going through hard times , what would jord say , what advice I have been robbed of , it makes me sad , I can't talk to you , I guess I need this,  so one day,  well no I Never ever want anyone to ever feel the way I do , but want to ,   nothing.    All there is when it comes down to it is.   PAIN.  Emptiness,  a good,   like one day your alive , smiling,  breathing,  and in a second your world your life your future , EVERYTHING that was a hope a dream , is ripped away,  in one second but a lifetime , now you don't even want to live , cause all you can think about is you ,   so ,  you know I miss you , and wonder,  why.    Always why , don't tell me there is a reason for EVERYTHING,  that's the worst thing you can say , but I guess I still have a lesson to learn ,    havnt I had enough 

February 10, 2018

My heart hurts tonight , I usually write , cause it comforts me , but tonight my heart just hurts , I miss you jord so very much 

February 2, 2018

Jord, although it's been 5 years ,   I don't count anymore ,   it's just time passing,    what's amazing , is your courage,  strength,  and unconditional love that keeps me going ,   although I have no new stories to tell people,  I find myself always sharing your short lived story on this earth,  which is amazing,  I bet wherever your at your continuing to be the amazing soul , you were here ,   I just love talking about you , I always have , I want everyone I meet to hear your journey , how brave , how inspiring,  how caring,  you lived , I know it touches people,  and I love to share it , because till this day , you jord , inspire me , to be A better person,  to look not outside the box as they say , but inside , I carry you with me not only in my heart , but in the way I look at people , not to judge , just to try to understand,  because you once said to me ,...you never know what they have been through , so letting go of the anger of losing you on this earth , I remember all you taught me ,   my hero , my teacher, my best friend,  my soulmate,  I always thank you for your unimaginable pure kindness love and never-ending compassion for living everyday as if it was your last ,   and just being you , the greatest son any mom could wish for hope for ,   I got that,  what a gift,  if someone would have told me before you were born , you will have a son , the most amazing loving caring son , you will be so proud and so happy.   BUT.   YOU WILL LOSE HIM , AND YOU WILL SUFFER UNIMAGINABLE PAIN,    JORD. , I'LL TAKE IT , The most beautiful soul I'll ever know ....thank you , I love you jord UNTIL the end of time  love your mama 

January 21, 2018

Jord , I love to talk about you , I just want to one day to be able to share your ...not story ...but true life about a remarkable young man , who had the cour8to be exact5who you were meant to be , a life lived with pure love and understanding of not just only all those you encountered,  but the ones you passed it on to ,   it's been 5 years but it seems like yesterday,  you still continue to inspire , through your unimaginable strength and courage 

January 21, 2018

Jord, I'm watching Moulin rouge,    theyvssid the best thing in life is to be loved , and be loved in return ,  wow , I remember watching this movie with you so many times ,   ironic you named the dwarf hamster ,satine,  after Nicole Kidman in the movie ,   you sang the songs so beautiful,  this movie is so much a part of our life people don't know about , it may be insignefent to some , but I know and remember,  oh,  what a beautiful voice , so strong , but you , jord so many talents, with instruments,  I loved you at the piano,  you , so magical in just about anything you were passionate about, except doing dishes,  or working at Kmart,  lol ,   if you wanted it you got it , I look back , wow what a determined young man, I'm still and always will be so so proud of you , your strength,  courage and outlook on life was beyond amazing,  and till this day inspiring,  I love you jord , more than yesterday and the day before,  you live inside of my heart and soul , until we meet again,  I love you until the end of time , until we meet again,  I hold you and cherish your incredible soul , love always,  your mama

January 11, 2018

Jord,  so much as happened over the last 5 years , some gain,   your special niece who I know you look after, yet so much has been lost, I try not to be negative,  exspecaly when I think of you, which is all the time, they say I should not think of the should haves and could haves, but whoever said that, never lost you,   although I know you are with me, it really does not make it any easier, in some ways it does give me hope that I will see you again , I know I will, it's the day to day stuff that makes me miss you, you were so positive and you had so much belief in me, I just miss your words,  your everlasting faith in me, even when I didn't deserve it, you just simply loved,  it just wasn't that complicated to you,  you loved without judgement,  you loved .....i miss you so much ,   and I will always love until the end of time 

August 19, 2017

Jord , thank you ...to me it does not matter what other people think , it's about writing what I know , and most importantly,  what I feel , and felt ..its real to me , you came to me last night , I call it a visitation dream,  I do know the difference,  it was amazing , I was standing inside looking out the window ,  then there you were , I signaled,  to you come in I need to talk to you , omg it was amazing.  You were just there smiling ,   well you came inside , the first thing you did was come behind me and wrap your arms around my waist , I like to call it a Jordan hug , jord you held me in your arms , it felt so real , I just turned around and pit my arms around you , and you put your arms around me , like we would never let go , we hugged for some time , and I felt this amazing magical comfort as you were truly holding me , then you just disappeared in my arms , when I woke up shortly after this , I felt your presence still with me ,   it was so strong , normally after these dream visitations I wake up feeling so sad and lost , this one was different,  I felt you were giving me support and like just feeling your embrace , every thing will be alright.    Like , you got my back ,   and I know you do , I needed that.  And most of all I know you knew I did , although you are not on this earth  you continue to be there for me in ways most will never understand,  when you have a soul a true soul connection,  it finds its way , and you did , and I felt your hug ...thank you.   My teacher , my hero , my soulmate,  I love you jord,  always until the end of time,  love always your mama 

Happy birthday

August 9, 2017

My sweet Jordan,  I can't believe another birthday has come and gone , this one was super hard for me , that's why I didn't write anything yesterday, I can barely wrote now without having a complete breakdown , I have been just a mess kiddo , I think of so many things , where you would be , what amazing things you would be doing , how you would be growing into a wonderful young man, jord my thoughts are endless and none of them end with anything but a emptiness and sadness that words can't describe,    so all I have are beautiful memories , and if only.  , I love you my sweet precious jord until the end of time,  love always your mama 

July 27, 2017

Hey sweet boy,   I miss you.  Your 25th birthday is coming up,  oh jord , as ALWAYS I wonder what you would be doing  , I also think of what we would be planning,  jord , I want no symphony from anyone , I just want you , I want you to have experienced,  how wonderful your sister and neice are , oh jord. Katelynn is so smart , lol she must have gotten that from you , I'm some way , I believe you watch over her and your sister who loves you so very MUCH,  jord you continue to inspire me , In ways you probably never knew you could  , your short time on this earth , and your love that radiated through your entire soul has and always will be the motivation in my life ,   I hope you know that , and in so many ways I know you do , but it doesn't make it any easier,    I just take one day at a time, when I wake up , you are the first soul I think about , and when I open my eyes , I pray.   It's a bad dream , but reality sets in , and I take a deep breath. And say to myself,  another step in walking towards you , and your hugs,  and your love , and the brilliant light of you...i love you jord until the end of time.,  love always your mama 

July 4, 2017

 July 4.   We ALWAYS watched the fireworks together,  on the beach in fort Lauderdale....what a beautiful time ,   see these things in life , some might take for granted,    I don't.  I remember everything,    and I miss you. , jord,  you were never needy,  you were content on what you had ,   thing about you ,   you were willing just to give.  , no matter if you did not have a penny in your pocket,  you would do that ,   so wonderful,  so beautiful,  so you.  , the young talented young man , who touched lives,  just because you had seen an foresaw the good in everyone  , why did you have to be so wonderful,  that the gods needed you , I believe that.   But it hurts cause I'm selfish.  I need you too ....

June 7, 2017

JOrd,  I miss you so MUCH,  time changes nothing except sometimes I feel you have forgotten about me, I feel like , your at so much peace and surrounding of light and love and rainbows and beautiful music , and maybe your connection with me is fading,     well mine is NOT,  it never will,  as I sit here and write this with tears running down my face, I hold on so tightly to our connection,  it's all I have ,   sometimes when I least expect it , I get this ache , or really like a pain I can't describe that goes straight through me , it takes my breathe away,  and the pain of losing you I feel throughout my entire body and soul ,   it's like a undesirable feeling that something is missing.  A emptiness,  a saddness that is overwhelming,  that something isn't a something,  it's you ,    your missing from me ,     I miss you so much ,     I love you jord until the end of time.  Love your mama 

May 12, 2017

11711 is no chance,  Jordan  , thank you for your visitation dream,  I know  the difference now  and I want to make sure I document and write about the incredible times this does happen,    they are real , and we were together,  a moment in time , I can only exlpain as a amazing feeling and true ,  nana was there as ALWAYS before it happens,    then you are their,  I ask the ones with no face.  Do you see him. That's my so Jordan,  I say , I'm not crazy,  a few disappear,   but I hugged you , at first , you were cold.  I said jord your cold , you coughed,     and then I felt the most amazing warmth,     you took me to a place where I could see you smile,   I could feel so intensely,  peace  , , when I woke up , I knew , you showed me this for a reason,  that has not yet been given to me ,   I just wrote this so I won't forget , does not ever mean , I'm ok with this , cause I'm not,    but you my sweet jord,  somehow your ways here,  I love you jord , until the of time. Love your mama 

April 30, 2017

You Jordan David Burnett are loved and missed every day , today is no different than yesterday,  but today is a horrible reminder,  that life can change in a blink of a eye , but I choose to remember the happiness and love and pure joy you brought to me , and all the lives you touched in your short time here on this earth , I treasure every memory until we meet AGAIN,  I love you jord until the end of time.,  love your mama

April 23, 2017

Wave of saddnes , that's how it comes.  Like your at the ocean , the smell , the sound., it's so comforting,  the memories like waves rushing through you ,   and then ...out of no where comes the undecrible pain of the wave of sorrow and emptiness,  the rush of a pain you can't describe,  it's so terrifying,  you just go back to the wave , the one you never see coming , it takes you down and leaves you breathless,     you gasp for air ,    some may get that breath ,  some not ,   others live in between,  breathing and not .....i love you jord until the end of time.. love always your mama 

April 16, 2017

HappyEaster my beautiful son, oh how words will never describe how much I miss you, from the deepest part of my soul, I miss you....

April 13, 2017

JOrd,    I miss you , I just want to see you , I want a jord hug,    I try so hard to focus on all the wonderful things about you , your soul , your very existence,    but I am selfish,  I know for a fact you are beyond the great in the universe,  I just miss you too much , I still feel like it was yesterday,  and my pain and sorrow continues,  I know that you know , I need no ,sympathy   I couldn't care less if anyone felt sorry for me. I write because I never stop thinking about you, I write , you said yourself I should,  so now I feel , people think on time my pain, should..  change....   to accept what happened,  to say there was a reason.  The worst,  God needed another flower in his garden....these are people who never lost their one true soulmate...so I will write and continue to talk about the true meaning of the worst pain ,   I never want anyone to know this pain , I write about it because I just don't know what else to do .........i miss you beyond the end of time ....my heart is lost without you .....i love you jord..until the end of time...love your mama 

A movie

April 6, 2017

Jordan I just finished watching,  Willy wonka and the chocolate factory,  so many things , songs , movies , so many things remind me of you , I remember you used to sing me that song when I was sad. " cheer up Charlie "   I love and cherish every memory I have ,   jord,  that's all I have , it's so undesirable this pain , I miss you so much and I will never ever stop missing you until we meet AGAIN and you see me pick me up and twirl me around , until I get one of your famous hugs,  until I see that magnetic smile , I will talk about you write about you , dream about you , Jordan David Burnett I love you ,until the end of time. Love your mama 

March 30, 2017

Jord, there is no title for this. I look at your picture, and there is nothing but wonder , how life could have been , I wonder , but then again no....for some way I feel you , maybe your profound impact, effect, the love and in your heart , although I am ALWAYS missing you , somehow you are here , your presence always remarkable, your smile and pure love to be true to who you really are , comforts me , i miss you jord , like it was yesterday, I can't wait to see you again , I really really miss you , I love you jord until the end of time. Love your mama 

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