I can't believe it's been 11 years. 11 very long years. This is the first year it fell on a Monday just like it did 11 years ago. Also, I woke up late today. How ironic? As I drove your sister to school, thoughts of that morning played through my head. CPR on the couch. Walking outside barefoot on the icy driveway. My feet started to ache just like they did 11 years ago. Waiting for the ambulance. It seemed like it was forever. In that moment I didn't really know what forever meant. The ambulance ride to the hospital. Praying to a God I never believed in. Looking back, knowing it was useless. You were already gone. Arriving at the hospital. Standing in that room. Memories flood my mind. I sat across that very room 3 days ago while I was in the hospital. I prayed again to a God I didn't believe in. My hands on the wall. My feet pacing the floor. So many Doctors and nurses doing everything they possibly could to bring you back. I see now, that it was just a show. They already knew that you were gone. Words that forever echo in my mind Time of Death 7 am.

I collapsed.

I sat there. In a chair. As I held you for the very last time. For hours and hours. Then it was time. I had to let you go. I kissed you goodbye. I'm not quite sure how, but somehow I handed you over.

A huge piece of me left with you early that morning, never to return. I did the unthinkable. I put one foot in front of the other and walked out of the hospital without you. The rest just doesn't matter anymore.

I wonder. What your first word would have been. What your laugh would sound like. What your voice would sound like. Who would be your favorite sibling. Would you call me Mama or Mommy. What would it feel like to have your arms wrapped tight around me for a hug. What would it be like to kiss the top of your head and smell your hair. All the things that were just never meant to be.

Then I open my eyes. And somehow, yet again, I put one foot in front of the other.

Forever missed. Forever loved. Never, ever forgotten. 

Mama

I think of you every day. I wonder about you and I miss you. I love you through all dimensions of time and space. You will always be a part of me.

Happy 10th Birthday Joshua Jr. I love you and miss you so much ❤❤❤

I have no words, just feelings rising up. Love you, Gaga

I miss you Joshua ❤

Every day <3 

I am always wondering about you. 

You are so loved. You are so missed. I wait for the snow to hit the ground...and I miss you even more.

Always in my thoughts, Always missing you. It snowed last night and my heart ached with memories. Love you ALLWAYS, Gaga.

I love you and miss you so much.
Love, Mama

I love you.

Thinking about you a lot lately. You will always be in my heart. Love, Auntie Amy

It seems like it was so long ago, but it feels like it just happened today. I wish i could hear your voice just once. What would you be like? What would be your favorite color? Who would be your best friend in school? How different would everything be if you never left us? I miss you so much. I love you so much. I wish you were here with me, so I could hug you super tight when you came home from school. I love you Joshua Jr. Forever and always.
Love,
Mama

I love you, Jay. Mwah!

Happy Birthday. I miss you and wonder about you.

Missing you.

Every day I think of you. Every day I miss you.

I spent yesterday remembering and honoring you. You touched my heart so deeply. You will never be forgotten.

I remember you every day. I miss you. I wonder who you'd be today and can't help but cry. I love you Joshua.

Always thinking of you.

Thinking of you today Joshua Jr and my daughter Shannon and her family.

A little angel in my place is as an angel in a secret land.
We didn't have much time we didn't get a chance,
I wasn't meant to live on earth but only for a short time.
I knew you would love me from the very start,
from that first sighting & beating of my tiny heart,
so I know that it has hurt you that you have had to say goodbye,
but I am your guardian angel now and I'll dry the tears from your eyes.
I'll be there by your side wherever you now go,
I will hear you speak of me often & what I might have been if I'd grown,
I'll be the special angel in the pictures that you have,
I'll remind you of my brothers, sisters & my dad,
I'll have your features all of you as one
& I'll love you always as my special mum.
You might not have got to see me as long as you would wish,
but I'll be the ribbon around your heart and my love will be deep within,
this pleasure I promise will be mine,
to be your guardian angel from now until the end of time.
I'll gift you with my presence every night within your dreams,
walk always as your special angel
gifted to you just for a short while,
so think of me often and smile, .

Grammie and Grandpa miss you too

Happy almost 3rd Birthday JJ. I love and miss you every single day.

You have been gone from my arms for two whole years now. The right words escape from my memory, and are flooded with images of your sweet beautiful baby face. I wish I could hug you, see you walk, see you play with your siblings. See you here with us all alive and healthy. My love for you grows stronger everyday. I miss you whole heart and soul my littlest sunshine. I love you Joshua Jr.

Happy 2nd Birthday Joshua Jr!!! I miss you every second of every day. I love you with all my heart and soul. Enjoy your birthday cake in Heaven my littlest sunshine.

I miss you dearly my sweet baby boy.

You are my sunshine, my littlest sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. Don't you know dear, how much I love you. So please, don't take, my littlest, sunshine away. I miss you so much my heart hurts. I love you Joshua.

I miss my youngest grandson so much my heart hurts deeply.
I think of you every day and see your bright eyes in your brother's Nick, Will and Noah. I see your smile in your sister's Ellie and Lilli.
Love you infinity crow baby Jay.  spirit hugs and kisses...Gaga

I can't believe you have been gone for a year almost. This time last year I was feeding you your bottle and telling you a story. The second to last bottle I would ever feed you. Then our 2:30ish feeding while I told you a story about our TV show. I never knew that would be the last time i would see you and hold you alive. When i woke up God had already called you home. I love you JJ.

a darling little Angel xxx