February 28, 2022
February 28, 2022
I can't believe it's been 11 years. 11 very long years. This is the first year it fell on a Monday just like it did 11 years ago. Also, I woke up late today. How ironic? As I drove your sister to school, thoughts of that morning played through my head. CPR on the couch. Walking outside barefoot on the icy driveway. My feet started to ache just like they did 11 years ago. Waiting for the ambulance. It seemed like it was forever. In that moment I didn't really know what forever meant. The ambulance ride to the hospital. Praying to a God I never believed in. Looking back, knowing it was useless. You were already gone. Arriving at the hospital. Standing in that room. Memories flood my mind. I sat across that very room 3 days ago while I was in the hospital. I prayed again to a God I didn't believe in. My hands on the wall. My feet pacing the floor. So many Doctors and nurses doing everything they possibly could to bring you back. I see now, that it was just a show. They already knew that you were gone. Words that forever echo in my mind Time of Death 7 am.
I collapsed.
I sat there. In a chair. As I held you for the very last time. For hours and hours. Then it was time. I had to let you go. I kissed you goodbye. I'm not quite sure how, but somehow I handed you over.
A huge piece of me left with you early that morning, never to return. I did the unthinkable. I put one foot in front of the other and walked out of the hospital without you. The rest just doesn't matter anymore.
I wonder. What your first word would have been. What your laugh would sound like. What your voice would sound like. Who would be your favorite sibling. Would you call me Mama or Mommy. What would it feel like to have your arms wrapped tight around me for a hug. What would it be like to kiss the top of your head and smell your hair. All the things that were just never meant to be.
Then I open my eyes. And somehow, yet again, I put one foot in front of the other.
Forever missed. Forever loved. Never, ever forgotten.
Mama
I collapsed.
I sat there. In a chair. As I held you for the very last time. For hours and hours. Then it was time. I had to let you go. I kissed you goodbye. I'm not quite sure how, but somehow I handed you over.
A huge piece of me left with you early that morning, never to return. I did the unthinkable. I put one foot in front of the other and walked out of the hospital without you. The rest just doesn't matter anymore.
I wonder. What your first word would have been. What your laugh would sound like. What your voice would sound like. Who would be your favorite sibling. Would you call me Mama or Mommy. What would it feel like to have your arms wrapped tight around me for a hug. What would it be like to kiss the top of your head and smell your hair. All the things that were just never meant to be.
Then I open my eyes. And somehow, yet again, I put one foot in front of the other.
Forever missed. Forever loved. Never, ever forgotten.
Mama