I got married, I bought my trailer, so it’s really mine. Ramon made it to state for cross country in his senior year, and is probably going to state for track as well. He’s already gotten offers to come run for colleges! Jaxton starts regular end kindergarten in the fall. YEP REGULAR NORMAL SCHOOL, as of right now any delays he still has can be managed with have a speech therapist come in to work with him weekly. I’m proud of them and tell them everyday, you missed so much of jaxton, you would have loved him so much. He is SO smart, he is already learning to read. He’s the sweetest thing, but he’s still a handful. All that stubbornness he used in the in the nicu combined with all the ridiculous intelligence he got from his mama will be the death of me. Today is so hard, I am still so angry, and the therapy work I’m doing says anger is the mask pain wears and if you sit with it long enough, you can see the truth.

But what do I do with that, figure out why it hurts? I am too afraid to hurt others to heal my own pain. Sometimes I wish I was more like you in that regard, we didn’t know about your pain, so I guess you protected us from that, but you didn’t know how to heal, so you never taught me how to heal. I don’t want to carry your pain anymore, I don’t want the weight of this anger holding me down so I need to teach myself to heal, so I don’t pass that down anymore than I already have. Why couldn’t you tell us? We didn’t know your pain, but we saw it, I’ve spent most of my teenaged years and even adult life so focused on my weight I can’t even see myself correctly anymore, I can’t even look in the mirror. But what’s even worse? My children saw it, Ramon skips meals and is so skinny I sometimes worry about him, but he runs ALOT so I know he is conscious of his health. Mason though, masons going through something and he’s not talking, but he is gaining weight, like a lot, and I am worried, but I don’t know how to talk to him without giving him a complex. He was so young, and he loved you so much, and now he’s following in your footsteps. A lot has happened and masons in trouble and I don’t even know where to start with him. I’m trying, at least, I won’t watch him kill himself…

I’ve grown so much, you don’t have to be proud of me anymore, I am proud of myself. I am proud that I learned to stand up for mySelf, and that I am actively doing the work to be better, for myself ,AND FOR MY KIDS. I am proud of the mother I am learning to be, I am proud of my life. I’m proud of myself now daddy so you don’t have to worry. I am enough now and maybe someday when I believe it, you will see it, I wish I was enough when you were still here.

I miss you more than before. I can't cry and I need you. Life was supposed to be together and this empty life sucks. I love you.

Well damn. I finally got my own place, it's not a house but it's mine, well I choose not to own it because I'm not staying long term, but I could if I wanted. It's in my name, I finally got my license, and I am actually a pretty good driver despite the very many things I almost or actually did run over. Mason lives with me now, we fight a lot but we are figuring it out.

I've got a good job, and though I wouldn't say I am happy I am learning what happy looks like. I wish you could see too. Are you proud? You left and I lost everyone, but it's ok, I know how strong I really am now. There's no one to call when I am scared, so I steady my hand and do what needs to be done, the monsters don't care who turns the lights on in the end.

I wish you had seen how much I loved you, I wish you had loved yourself. But you taught me one last lesson daddy, but I'm sorry that this is how I had to learn it. When I die my pain doesn't go away I just give it to someone else. I can only hope my kids know with my dying breath how much I love them, how proud I am of who they are on their own regardless of if I agree with them or not, that they are each amazing in their own way.

You taught me it was ok to think for myself and then condemned me for being different, or was it for being the same as the woman who caused you so much pain? I guess I will never know, I wish I did. I wish I knew you loved me the way they all do. I wish your memories held more than pain, but for now I'm learning to process and in the end hopefully I can accept the answers I will never get and know that it really only matters if I am proud, and I am getting there.

I am stronger than you ever knew, so thank you for that, after all is said and done, at least I can thank you for how strong I have become. Don't worry daddy I will always be your rayne.

It seems like yesterday I just lost you and also forever since I've seen your face. I miss you so much. My petson will never be the same without you. I still talk to you as if you're still here. God how I miss you. I am a empty husk. I love you

I miss you so much! I feel so guilty for surviving this entire year. I am not living without you. Just surviving. I don't know how to live. I've been gutted and nothing fills the half of me you are. I cant go on like this. You've come to me in my sleep. Please come again. I NEED to talk to you. I need to feel you. Please.  

Your voice when you sang, so beautiful, when you fell and broke your wrist, I think, was the beginning of the end. Your 2nd love, playing guitar. You tried to fill that void to no avail. Your depression seeped in and over took you. I miss that velvet voice. Or that gravely one that came later. Jax can find you in a picture, I won't let them forget you. I promised. I'm not sure how I still have all these tears keep coming. You were the only safe harbor for me to fall apart. I'm losing pieces of me every day. I'm not going to our reunion because I can't live thru all the "How are you holding up, or you are in a better place" it's not true, you should be here with me. I don't want to cry in front of them. I will go next year. I live you so much.

This is my place to talk to you. It's not the same, but it will have to do.

I write on your phone, it is still active. I can't turn it off. That is a finality I can't face. I can't and don't do anything anymore but wait for this nightmare to end. Steve coughed in the playroom. For s split second I thought it was you. You have been such an intragal part of my life, we really became one. It's more than missing a leg, it's as if I don't know who I am without you because my insides died with you. There us this gaping hole .....I can't fill, I can't even try. I don't want to live. The loneliness is as if I'm in sensory deprivation container. I have so many words left unsaid. I should have checked one more time, I should have known. I told you once I called you Husband as my pet name for you. If you think about it, who else would ever hold that title in my heart. I have bills I can't pay. My house is dirty, and I don't care. I place a forced smile, so do the kids. We're all hoping if we don't talk about you, you'll come home like this never happened.  Well I m not fine or good. Or even ok. I'm broken, more like shattered. Useless, nonrecyclable. It does not get better or easier. If I hear one more platitude......I am selfish to the core. I want you here with me. We were supposed to grow old together .your birthday is coming up, and our anniversary. These meant more to me than Christmas. Could I surprise you. Could I hold off giving you your present. Never quite made it so you got two. I know you can't read this. But if words could tell what love could mean. You'd be surprised at all they'd say, sincere and yet serine.



Your wife

you weren't supposed to get to heaven before me. you were more like a brother to me than a cousin. the memories, the stories we could tell. yes, some of them not so clean, lol. many i could tell. we could right a book.
you were supposed to get to heaven before me. but i will look for you just the same. we will meet again, my brother, i will bring the beers

I'm stuck in ground hog day, I wake up every morning just to remember I forgot. I think. I'll just go ask Keith, then I remember, I forgot, I cant open a jar, and I remember, I forgot, my msg sounds off, and I remember. I forgot. I get up to check on you, and I remember, I forgot,