My Dearest Son, Kevin:

Can I even express how much I miss you?  No it is not possible.   The past twenty months have been a the most painful and yet the most joyful journey of my life  The pain is that I cannot ever hold you, hug you, kiss you in this lifetime again.  And your passing has torn my heart out and I am shattered every day.  

But the joy is that you are experiencing the most complete, fulfilling love from Jesus Christ, Our Lord, and the Holy Spirit and that your pain and suffering, and loneliness are finally gone. 

All of those people that you gave your heart to completely and unconditionally, and hurt you to the core, do not matter in the comparison of God's Love.   I wish I could be with you there now.   But I will have to wait until it is my time  for God to call me Home.

I am sorry for any time that I was not there for you.  I am sorry for any bad decisions I made in my young, immature life that affected your life.  I wish I could have known everything to be the best Mother you could have ever wanted.  But I am not perfect,  and  I am humbled before God,and always praying that I will see you again.  

We said so many things to each other as you were dying.  We laughed, we cried harder.  You clung to to your consciousness, until you could not hold on any longer.  And I clung to you.

I never left your side those last five days.  I held your hand and spoke to you hoping that you could hear me, until you took your last breath on this earthly plane.

 My heart went with you.  A part of me died when you left me and I anguish every minute of every day.  You were my light.  My Love. My Heart.

You may not have realized it as we fought hard, but loved harder.  But I think you know, despite our differences.that I would have traded places with you.  That is a parent''s love.  I loved you from the second I new I was pregnant.  I adored you.  I couldn't wait to meet you.   You were the life from my womb.  You were so perfect, so cute, so polite, so attentive for so long. 

At some point we may have lost our way, but we never let go of each other.  We came back together, and I again, was trying to save you from yourself.   But I realized at one point that I could not. 

You were home bound, sick, isolated , depressed and the decision you made was the bravest thing you could have done.   When you told me you were going to stop dialysis, I expected it, but it ripped my heart out just the same.  But I understood.  You are the bravest man I have ever known.

I wish I could have saved you from the pain that we have both experienced in our lifetimes.  I wish I could have been more of a pillar of strength for you when you were hurt so badly emotionally from the women that broke your heart.   I tried to protect you.   You know how ferocious I could be. 

But I could not save you and that is what I struggle with.   Mothers should never have to see their children take God's hand.  I will and always have, loved you for all time.   I cannot wait to be with you again, take your face in my hands, and kiss your eyes, your cheeks and hug you and never let you go again.    My son, my Heart.   I have said that since the day you were born.  It is  and always will be true. 

Your Mama misses you so much.

Until we are together again.

Love, 

Mom

July 23, 2017

First thank all of you for coming to Remember Kevin to celebrate his life with me and my family.

Learning to live without him for me, will be a lifelong journey.

First, I especially want to thank my sisters, Jennifer and Debbie, who held me up the last 8 days of Kevin’s life and got me through the following week. I know I could not have gotten through those days without you.I love you both more than you will ever know.

I want to thank my partner of 20 years, Ken Bartlett, who never left my side through 2 separate bouts with cancer and the many emergency room visits and hospital stays with Kevin. He has endured my mood swings and uncontrollable grief the past 6 weeks. I love you. Always have, always will.

Kurt Allman, Dan Bradford and Jose Mendosa are Kevin’s best friends and stayed by him during the darkest days of his life. Dan, unfortunately could not be here with us this afternoon, but I know he is here in spirit. A number of Kevin’s other friends also could not be here however I will email them tonight as they requested.

Kurt and Kevin grew up together, went to school together and have been best friends for over 40 years. Kevin and I have always , and always will, consider Kurt as part of our family.

Dan and Kevin met about 25 years ago and have stayed close friends despite the geographic distance that prevented them from spending time together the past several years.

Jose and Kevin worked together at Motorola ,I think it was in the mid 90’s (Jose correct me if I am wrong) but they have remained close friends and have spent time considerable time together ever since.

Marlo Crutcher – you are a very special friend to Kevin, especially the past year when he struggled with his quality of life due to his health and the loss of his leg. You brought sunshine to his darkness and he so looked forward to your visits. And also the lox and bagels! I will never forget your kindness to my son.

Most of you also know I raised Kevin, for the most part, myself. He and I were extremely close. He was a delightful child, a challenging teenager,  and grew up to become a very strong willed individual. Two of his favorite things before his health deteriorated were the study and participation in the various martial arts, and the study of strategic battles during the course of ancient and American history.

Kevin also achieved his black belts in both Tai Kwan Do and Akihito before he graduated high school. He had an extensive weapons collection consisting of various knives and swords used in the martial arts, as well as numerous books on the subjects.

Many of my family and friends have been here for me emotionally over the past 15 years, and especially the past 5 years of Kevin’s health problems.He struggled with Type 2 diabetes for over 15 years, was in end stage renal failure that required dialysis 3 times a week for the past 5 years, and the eventual amputation of his right leg below the knee in March 2016.He also struggled with the addiction to the opiate pain medication that he was prescribed to help with the severe peripheral neuropathic pain in his legs .I want you to know that I so appreciate the outpouring of support and love over the years when I thought I could not endure another day of his failing health, and seemingly endless hospital stays, when I nearly lost him on 4 previous separate occasions before his passing. To everyone here, I will be forever grateful for your love.

My life is forever changed.

I want to share and remember Kevin for the kind, loving man that he was.His quirky sense of humor, his giving nature, and how he fell completely in love; his extraordinary talent as a writer and computer graphic designer, and his fierce loyalty to friends and family.

Kevin had a prolific imagination from the time he was a child, and had always written stories, novels, and scripts for movies he hoped to make. He even grabbed my old 15 pound video camera and made several home movies with his friends from scripts that he had written. When writing or designing graphics, his venue of choice was horror and outer space,and his writing style, of late, consisted of very futuristic story-lines.

You may notice some framed graphics on your tables.This is a sampling of some of Kevin’s work.He was an extremely talented computer graphic designer and his imagination never failed to amaze me.

Further, you may have noticed a very menacing looking figure in the corner.
“Mr. Black” as I refer to him was something Kevin was working on for an upcoming event that I called “Geek Fest”, however the actual name escapes me.It was similar to a Star Wars or Comicon convention where the participants arrive dressed in their favorite characters from various movie productions. Kevin was creating his own character. He had planned to include LED lights, additional decorative epaulets, weapons, etc. on the costume, but that, unfortunately did not come to fruition. I elected to bring “Mr. Black “ to this event, to acknowledge Kevin’s latest project and how important it was to him.

Kevin was a very complex individual. He and I fought hard, but we loved even harder. I am left brained and logical, organized, and like everything to be planned out to the end. Kevin, on the other hand, was a creative, right brained, and an emotionally charged individual. Like any artist, whether it be a writer, actor, painter, musician, Kevin’s creativity and emotionally driven decisions sometimes caused him to fly by the seat of his pants, and occasionally would get into his own way.

But Kevin would so shine. His smile, when he was showing us his designs, or sharing a newly penned story, was so infectious, you could not help but be happy with him and be in awe of his raw talent.The same was true when he fell in love. He literally became a different person when he had someone to cherish and pamper.

I know in my heart of hearts, that Kevin is in Paradise in God’s loving arms, with My Mother and Father, and waiting for me to get there.

I say good morning to him every day, goodnight to him every night. And every day that goes by brings me closer to seeing him again.

SO please join me in a toast to Kevin’s life, his passions, his loves, his creativity, his loyalty, and his being born into eternity on June 10, 2017.  Kevin – until we are together again.   On Breath Apart.  (Toast)