A LETTER TO MY ONLY CHILD IN HEAVEN
Dearest Kevin,
Today is your first death anniversary, August 1, 2014, I woke up every day with a feeling of “not fair”, a cloud hanging over my head and a knot on my stomach. I was not inform of your passing, I know I will never understand, it is hard to accept at your young age of 30 you got sick with colon cancer. But just the way it is. Obviously God has a plan and maybe one day it will be revealed to me. Until then, I’m going to have plenty of these “not fair” days to ponder the question that burns in my heart. I had to hide my grief and did my best to put a positive spin on things, but for how long I have to do this. Pretending I am happy but my heart is aching. I don’t have any closure if you’re really is gone, as I never ever say good bye to you nor see your face before you go. When it become evident that you’re gone, I have a feeling that I am in a crossroad with my faith. Either I could choose to let the grief overwhelm me & fill my heart with anger, or I could trust that God is in fact bigger than all of us, and believe that there is a reason behind it. That I have to endure this life of missing you for a reason, I choose to praise God even on these days when I feel like it’s not fair.
Today, I your grandma and friends will attend the Holy Mass here in Oxnard at St. Anthony Catholic Church for you, your aunties, uncles and cousins in Philippines and Canada do the same for you too, we love you so much. That day that I found out that you died, a part of me died too. You’re leaving left a huge void in my life; a very big hole in my heart, my life will never be the same again without you. I miss you like crazy, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t long to hold and see you again, it’s hard living without you, there are tears for the pain I suffer for not seeing you go, and I will never get over the pain and sorrow of losing you. You are my world and my everything, Oh how I miss your smile, your laughter, and your precious hugs & kisses, teasing me to make me laugh, helping me when I got computer problems, things that I run into this hi technology, you’re always there to help me get through with it. You are always there in every decision I made, you shared your thoughts and ideas.
I was bless the day you were born, my life was change, and you are the whole meaning of my life. I thank God all the time for giving you to me, and all the precious memories I have for you. I know you’re happy in heaven, even though my heart is broken in a million pieces and I miss you all the time. I feel a peace within me now knowing that I too have the promise of seeing you again.
I will never say goodbye to you my precious son, you are always in my thought as well as in my heart, even though you are not here with me in physical form I know you are here with me in spirit, my love grows stronger for you as with each passing day. You are my precious baby and my Gift from God.
I love you forever.
Mom