ForeverMissed
Her Life

我们的故事 (our story)

故事的开始(2019-02-16):我和豆豆通过朋友的牵线认识,然后约了一起吃韩国烤肉。不争气的我第一次见面就迟到了(哎,之后一直被吐槽是“迟到宝宝”)。虽然第一次见,但是我们却有很多的默契,我们从中午一直聊到饭店打烊,最后服务员还过来赶人哈哈。当时第一感觉就是这姑娘古灵精怪的,跟她在一起就觉得超开心,而且还好看!
Where it starts (2019-02-16): You and I met through our friends playing matchmaker. We had arranged to meet up at a Korean barbecue. I arrived late, a great first impression. (This became the butt of many of your jokes later, and I never got rid of my reputation for being late to events.) Despite being the first time meeting each other, we hit it off and found we had much in common. We ended up staying in the restaurant from the afternoon until it closed up shop and we were chased out by the wait staff. My first impression of you was that you had a unique personality, a bit weird but in a good way, and that when I was with you I felt happy.

感情升温(2019-03-01 - 2019-04-01):那时我才参加工作不久,打算去温哥华盖第一个H1B 章。倒霉催的我直接被check滞留在了加国。那时真的是孤苦伶仃,还得每天跑去星巴克加班。跟你诉苦几次后,善解人意的你立刻飞奔来温哥华安慰我。短短一个周末,我们跑遍了温哥华所有的地标和公园。这短暂的休整给了我在那段灰暗的日子里继续坚持的动力。虽然一个月没法见面,我们的感情却在每天的聊天和安慰中迅速升温。当时我就心想:这么好的女孩,我得努力争取了。
Where it grows (2019 March – April) – I had just started working and had to cross the border to Vancouver to get a visa stamp. My visa was checked for one months and I had to stay over in Canada. I went to Starbucks every day to work all by myself. When I complained about my situation to you, not only were you sympathetic, you came to Vancouver to visit me. We spent a weekend touring Vancouver’s landmarks and parks, you comforted me and lifted me out of my sour mood. Despite not being able to see each other for a month, our feelings for each other grew through talking every day. At the time I thought: this girl is a keeper.

我们在一起啦 (2019-04-24 - 2019-04-27):机会来了!我刚忙完一个重要的项目,刚好你又提到好久没出去旅行了。于是我就不断怂恿你一起出去玩,最后我们就开始了去夏威夷的一段说走就走的旅行。我提前做足了功课和你一起去parasail,坐轮船,去沙滩上踩沙子。还记得当时一个特别大的浪打过来,你吓的直接跳到我身上,然后害羞走开的样子(豆豆太可爱了!)。我还特意订了好基友结婚时去的一家意大利餐厅,穿上了帅气的西装,和你一起品尝一道道精致的小点心。在感觉时机对了的时候,我偷偷亲了小宝宝(咳咳,我不经常耍流氓的)。还记得当时你有些惊慌失措,还好经过一段时间的思索之后,我们正式在一起了。我明白你对待感情是多么的认真,但是,我会好好对你的!
Officially together (2019-04-24 to 2019-04-27) – Here’s my chance! I had just finished a big project at work, and you mentioned that you hadn’t travelled in a while. So I took the chance to plant the idea that we should travel somewhere together. In the spur of the moment, we booked a trip to Hawaii. I had carefully planned an itinerary with parasailing, boating, and relaxing on the beach. I remember one time a big wave was coming ashore, you got scared and ran into my arms, and then walked away pretending nothing had happened. (You were so cute!) I remember I booked dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant that a friend had gotten married at. I put on a nice suit, and we sampled their courses. At the right moment, I took my chance to kiss you for the first time. (I swear I wasn’t just being a pervert) You were a bit surprised, thought about it for a while, and decided that we were officially together. I understood that you took our relationship seriously, and I promised myself that I would be good to you.

我们一起旅行 (2019-04 - 2019-07):在一起之后,我们去各个地方旅行。我们在哈雷阿卡拉国家公园的云层之上看日出日落,在夏威夷的沙滩玩各种水上项目,在女人岛和海豚一起游泳,在坎昆的各个游乐公园探险。印象最深的是我们稀里糊涂的将租的车开进了公园卡丁车的赛道,车还夹在了狭窄的赛道中没法出来。依然清晰记得一辆辆卡丁车路过时游客们那诧异的眼神,还有偷偷拍照傻笑的工作人员。估计下次再去,可能园里就竖起了醒目的牌子(附我们的照片):别像这两个傻子一样,将汽车开到卡丁车道了。你说过:大海夕阳,都是我们的媒人。以后我们要一起走遍世界!
Travels together (2019 April-July): After we were officially together, we travelled everywhere. We watched the sunset above the cloud line at Haleakala National Park. We swam with dolphins at Isla Mujeres. We relaxed at resorts and went to tourist traps in Cancun. One vivid memory was the time we went to a go-kart park, and I drove our rental car onto the track by mistake. The car got stuck on the narrow track. The racers drove by us with astonished looks on their faces, and the workers were laughing and taking photos. The park has probably erected a sign with photos of us and a warning: don’t drive your real car onto the track like these two idiots. You once said to me, “The sun and the sea were our matchmakers. They’ll cheer us on as we travel all over the world.”

晴天霹雳,我们一起面对 (2019-08-13 - 2019-11-30):在8月某一天的早晨,你突然觉得胃痛的不行,你去了公司旁边的医院照胃镜检查。再接到你电话的时候,就听到电话那头的你已经哭的泣不成声。我匆忙跑去医院看你,然后就听到了那个可怕的消息:可能是癌症。我不知道如何去安慰遭受如此巨大打击的你,只能用简短的话语跟你说:无论发生什么,我们都一起去面对。那时候虽然心情低落,但是你依然为我精心点缀了家里为我庆祝30岁生日。我心里默默许下愿望:豆豆一定要好起来,然后我们一起过以后的每一个生日。
Thunder from a clear sky (2019-08-13 to 2019-11-30): One day in August, you had sudden abdominal pain. You went to the hospital by your office where they did a colonoscopy. When you called me, you were already crying your eyes out. I rushed to the hospital, and heard the terrifying diagnosis: it’s probably cancer. I didn’t know how to comfort you properly. I simply told you in a few words: whatever happens, we’ll face it together. Even though we were emotionally at a low point, you still took the effort to put on a celebration for my 30th birthday. My birthday wish was for you to get better, and to spend every birthday together with you.

爱在磨难中成长(2019-12-01 - 2020-03-31):几经周折,终于在医学院朋友聪哥的帮助下,顺利联系到了最好的肿瘤医院md Anderson的医生负责治疗。于是,我们一起飞去德州开始了和癌症的斗争。你开始接受放射性治疗,虽然承受了很大的痛苦,但是你一直都保持着积极乐观的态度。经过两个多月的治疗,你的病情有了很大好转,原发地的肿瘤也全部消失。我们所有家人都为你的坚强和勇敢而骄傲。这段时间,我们也有着无数温馨的细节:在我去伦敦出差的时候,你非常用心的制作了一份我们爱的纪念册,里面详细的记录了我们相识之后经历的点点滴滴。能有一个人可以这么毫无保留的爱着我,我是多么的幸运!
Love grows through trials and tribulations (2019 December – 2020 March): After a few twists and turns, we managed to get in touch with MD Anderson through a friend in the medical field. We flew to Texas to begin your treatment. You began undergoing radiation and were in a lot of pain, but you were still cheerful and optimistic. After two months, you took a dramatic turn for the better. The original tumor was gone, and you were declared cancer free. We were so proud of your courage and resilience, that you had beaten the cancer.

命运的再次打击 (2020-08 - 2021-01):德州治疗后的几个月,因为疫情我们一直宅在家里办公。虽然无聊,但是也给了我们更多在一起的时间。然而八月份开始,你开始经常止不住的咳嗽,然后上不来气,我以为这只是因为你开会说了太多话,多休息一下就好了。可是去医院照完CT才发现,是癌症转移到了肺部,直接影响到了呼吸!从那个时候起,已经遭受了命运连续重击的你,生活上也有了诸多不便。你开始需要戴着氧气呼吸,而且好几周浑身都感觉刺骨的疼痛。这四个月里医生用了两个化疗方案,但是你的病情却依然在不断恶化。每个晚上,看着你遭受这么大的痛苦,我的心里也十分煎熬。你依然在勇敢的坚持着,而且始终都面带着微笑。我知道,你是担心我和爸妈,希望能好好陪伴一下我们。我也在不断的祈祷,下一次的治疗方案会出现新的转机。然而,几乎每次见完医生,得到的都是失望的答复。
Another challenge (2020 August-December) – For the next few months after your treatment, we were stuck at working from home due to Covid. Even though it was monotonous, it gave us a chance to be together every day. In August, you began to develop a persistent cough, and felt like it was hard to breathe. I thought it was from stress and being in too many video conference meetings, but a CT scan at the hospital revealed that cancer had spread to your lungs. From that point on, life threw at you more and more challenges. Your quality of life was slowly declining, you needed to breathe with an oxygen tank, you felt pain all over your body. The doctor changed the chemotherapy on you twice, and none had the desired effect of helping you get better. Every night watching you deal with such pain and suffering, my heart broke. Yet your courage persisted, and you kept smiling through your pain. I knew you cared about me, your mom and your dad, and didn’t want us to worry. We were still hopeful that you would get better, but every time we went to see your doctor, we would be disappointed with her answers.

我们结婚啦 (2021-02-08):你在我们的纪念册中写到,在亿亿众生中遇见你,相遇,相知,相恋,相爱,是你这辈子最幸福的事。而我也想对你说,我也会倾尽我的一切去爱你,守护你,无论遇到多么大的困难。于是,在2021年2月8号的这天,在父母和好友陈小瑞couple的见证下,我们宣读誓言,交换戒指,正式成为了彼此的Mr & Mrs Right。过去两年,我们经历了一段非常美好的故事,而婚姻,让这个故事更加完整丰满了。
We’re married! (2021-02-08) – You wrote in our scrapbook, “Out of billions of people, being able to meet you, know you, like you, love you, was the best thing that happened to me in my life.” I wanted to tell you, that I would give you everything, to love you, protect you, through challenges large and small. Thus, on February 8th, 2021, we got married in front of our parents and close friends. We said our vows, exchanged rings, and officially became Mr. and Mrs. Right. In the last two years, we wrote our love story, and getting married completed it.

永远的遗憾(2021-03-17):你在2月25日接受了最后一次化疗,医生告诉说你剩下的时间不多了,可能只能活到六月,当时我停下了所有工作,希望能好好陪伴你,然后继续寻找新的方案。3月8号周一再见医生,因为周末你的咳嗽好转了很多,医生说可能还剩六个月,虽然只是多了短短3个月,却让我感到也许还有一些希望。然而之后的几天你又开始咳嗽不止,心率也不断升高,周四再见医生,追问之后才得知你可能只剩几天到几周了。这突如其来的变化让亲人们彻底没有了准备,几个月的假期刚批准但能陪你的时间却所剩无几。最后一周的时间里,我晚上不敢入睡,就怕睡着了会见不着你最后一面。在3月16号晚上,你的意识开始不清醒,而且血氧经常开始不断下降,我和你妈妈一整个夜晚都在不断的尝试唤醒你。而每次你醒来说的一句话,都是“对不起,对不起”。也许是看到我和妈妈太辛苦了,之前努力坚持着要多陪陪我们的你,最后无意识的动作却是拔氧气管。在3月17号的下午,你带着微笑离开了地球,变成一个小天使去守护我们了,就像之前我们守护你一样。
Eternal regret (2021-03-17) – You had your last chemotherapy session on February 25th, 2021. The doctor said you didn’t have much longer, maybe a few months. I took a leave of absence from my job, hoping to be by your side and help you search for new treatment options. On March 8th, after you had felt a bit better that weekend, we went back to your doctor. Her prognosis was 6 months this time. Even though it was just an extra 3 months, I felt a bit of hope. But over the next few days, your cough got worse and your heart rate kept rising. When we saw the doctor again that week, she told us you had a few days left, at most a few weeks. This abrupt news took all of us by surprise. We had planned for a 6-month, but our time left to be together was suddenly compressed. In those last days, I couldn’t fall asleep each night, afraid that when I woke up in the morning you would be gone. On the evening of March 16th, you started fading in and out of consciousness and your blood oxygen levels dropped precipitously. Your mother and I would try to wake you up. Every time you came to, you would repeat “I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, Perhaps you felt you were putting too much burden on us, needing us to take care of you. Your last action was to pull your breathing tube out of your nose. On March 17th, in the afternoon, you left us with a smile on your face. You became an angel to take care of us from up above, just like how we took care of you.

豆豆,我爱你,你永远是我生命中不可分割的一部分。虽然遗憾我们没能早点相遇,但是能有一个人可以这么相知相爱相互陪伴,这一生也值了。如果有来世,我们许愿要永远在一起,就像你说的那样,一生一世一双人,健健康康,快快乐乐!
Kexin, I love you. You will forever be an inseparable part of my life. I wish that we could have met earlier, but in being able to meet you at all, to know you, to love you, I am fulfilled. If there is an afterlife, let’s vow to always be together. Like you once told me, two hearts, one love, happily ever after.

好友眼中的豆豆(from friends)

2011年的时候,小灰豆飘洋过海来到了美国,也让天南地北的我们相聚在了陌生的国度。念书的时候,这个一直自称学渣的风一样的女子其实是个暗藏的勤奋努力的学霸,时常抱怨课业太重但总能在最短的时间内写完,完成课业的同时还担任着助教的工作,总是悄悄跟我们嫌弃学生们知识点掌握不扎实。我们喜欢聚在一起吃饭吐槽,聊八卦。每每聚餐都会听到她明朗又魔性的笑声,只要有她在,聚会都变得格外的轻松愉快。毕业之后的她,顺利地找到了很好的工作,老板也对她格外赏识。工作日上班,周末刷剧或者到处溜达就成了小灰豆的常态。在附近的我们也总是会趁周末聚在一起,亦如上学的时光。
In 2011, Kexin travelled across the ocean to the U.S. to study. We were both strangers in a distant land when we met. At school, she was self-deprecating about her abilities but we could see that she was actually a very smart and hard-working student. She would grumble about the workload, but finished her assignments faster than us and still somehow find time to work as a teaching assistant. We would regularly meet for group dinners, where we gossiped and she grumbled about how her students' homework assignments reflected that they weren't grasping the concepts. At those dinners, her laugh would light up the whole room and her very presence meant everyone could relax and lighten up. After we graduated, Kexin found a great job locally, where her smarts and work ethic were immediately recognized. We all worked on weekdays, but on weekends we would still fall back into old routines to have dinner and hang out.

在2016,小灰豆终于下定决心逃离中西部的严寒,摇身变成了亚麻大牛,来到了她喜欢的西雅图。她说庆幸到了西雅图因为在这里遇到了她的那个他。地理上的距离没有让友情淡薄,而且微信让距离显得不再那么遥远,我们还是时常的联系着,也总是找机会去各处旅行。我们的手机里存着小灰豆各个时候温暖的消息和美美的照片。小灰豆这一生都敢爱敢恨,又古灵精怪的,像一个善良的小精灵,还喜欢收集各种可爱又美好的东西。这些溢出来的美好回忆会一直一直陪着我们每一个想念小灰豆的瞬间。小灰豆,以后靠你这个善良美丽小天使罩着我们啦!我们大家会一直想念你哦!比心。
In 2016, she made the decision to move to out West, landing her dream job at Amazon in Seattle, a city she loved. She remarked to me later that she was remarkably lucky to have the opportunity to move, because Seattle was where she met her other half. Our friendship became long distance but it did not fade. We still texted and called often, and found opportunities to travel together. Our phones filled up with Kexin's warm messages and pretty photos. She lived her entire life unafraid to love and show her emotions. Her vibrant and sometimes quirky personality, combined with her love of collecting trinkets and cute items, made her seem like a kind-hearted elf. These happy memories fill my mind every time I think about her. Kexin, we're counting on you to watch over us from up above! We will keep you in our hearts forever.

父亲给女儿的祭文 (from dad)

玉娇,我之爱女,从来到走,你在这个世界上仅仅生存了31年,来也匆匆,去也匆匆。你的生命如此短暂,这是家人做梦也不曾想到的。一时间,我们真的难以接受!因为你的走,爸妈才真正体会到白发人送黑发人的悲惨。
My dear daughter, 31 years passed from the day you were born to the day you left us. You came out of your mother’s womb quickly and you left this Earth quickly. Your life was too short, something we never would have imagined in our wildest dreams. Right now, it is hard for me to accept. Your mom and I are experiencing the deepest tragedy – that of a parent having to bury their child.

玉娇,我之爱女,是可恶的病魔夺走了你年轻的生命,是老天爷不公剥夺了你在这个世界上生存的权力!那天,从微信里看到你去世的噩耗,全家人都为失去你而恸哭,精神上绝望到了极点,我和你母亲更是痛不欲生,哭的死去活来。爸妈的脑子里一片空白,不敢相信这是真的,像是在做噩梦,老觉得天在旋地在转,好像天要塌下来似的。

由于自己把便血当痔疮的误判,待到你的病情确诊是,已经是直肠癌中期了。可是你还在安慰我们说,美国现在医学发达是完全可以治好的。因此家里人都为你祝福,为你祈祷求神保佑。可怜我的女儿呀,你还是离开了我们。
My dear daughter, a terrible illness took away your young life. If there is a God or higher power, he has unfairly deprived you of your right to live out your life on Earth. The day we received news of your death, our whole family cried. Especially your mom and I, we have never felt such pain, we cried until our eyes were dry. My mind is blank now – I can’t believe this is real, like I’m living in a nightmare. I feel like the sky is tilting and could fall any moment. When you received your colon cancer diagnosis, you reassured us that American medical care was the best in the world and you’d be cured. We were hopeful and prayed for your recovery. Yet, you still left us.

玉娇,我之爱女,在德克萨斯州肿瘤医院化疗,放疗期间,有你的母亲日夜护理,耐心伺候,还有你男朋友晓畅的日夜守候,不厌其烦地照顾,你的情绪很稳定,病情不断好转,最后到直肠上的癌瘤全部消失,全家人都在为你高兴,觉得你终于熬过了这一灾难。

可是,那天,你发微信告诉我,最近经常咳嗽,憋得上不来气,让医生看了说可能肺里出了问题,需要做CT确定。结果,经过CT检测是复发转移到肺。厄运再次降到你的头上,这是我们全家都不愿意接受的现实。由于疫情原因,德克萨斯去不了了,只能在西雅图的医院就诊。可是经过三个疗程的化疗,都没有成功,靶向治疗配不上型,一次次失败,是你的病情不断没有好转,反而日益加重,身体一天不如一天。我曾几次做工作让你回国接受治疗,你都没有同意。我想你可能是不想离开晓畅的原因吧。直到医院放弃治疗后,让晓畅与你说并同意一起回国接受治疗时,你同意了,天津肿瘤医院疫情防控部的接收信,包机等都办好了,就等美国医生给开的允许上飞机的证明了,可是太晚了,你已经上不了飞机了,回不了国了。
My dear daughter, when you were undergoing cancer treatment in Texas, you had your mom and your then-boyfriend Xiaochang by your side, taking care of you. When you were declared cancer-free, our whole family rejoiced, believing you had overcome this challenge. But, one day, you told me you had started coughing, and that the doctor believed something was wrong. A CT scan revealed that tumors had metastasized to your lungs. Misfortune had befallen you again, and we found it hard to accept this reality. Due to Covid, you had to continue your treatment in Seattle. But this time, the chemotherapy didn’t work, and your condition got worse and worse. I had made preparations and asked you to come back to China for treatment, but you never agreed, probably because you didn’t want to leave Xiaochang. When the Seattle hospital gave up on your treatment, you finally agreed to come back to China for treatment. I had arranged for a hospital to accept you and chartered a medical flight. But it was too late – you won’t be getting on a plane and coming back home.

玉娇,我之爱女,你孝敬父母,尊敬长辈,善待朋友,体贴别人,做事追求完美,总是想着我们。现在,你走了,爸妈真不敢相信好人一生平安了!
My dear daughter, you had filial love for your parents, you were respectful to your elders, kind to your friends, thoughtful of others, and you always kept us in your thoughts. I don’t know how your mom and I will live out the rest of our lives without you.

玉娇,我之爱女,爸爸恨啊,恨苍天不公,不幸为什么会降临到你的身上;爸爸恨啊,医学如此发达,却没有能治好你的病的良药;爸爸恨啊,恨大意没能及时发现耽误了你治病的最佳时机;爸爸恨啊,恨给我之爱女带来不幸的一切。
My dear daughter, your father is filled with anger right now. Anger at an unfair God that placed such misfortune on your shoulders. Anger that modern medicine is so advanced, yet it was unable to cure your disease. Anger at how we were careless and thought everything would be fine, and missed the best window of time to get you treatment. And anger at myself, for any role I had in all of this.

玉娇,我之爱女,放心的走吧,不要再挂念着我们,爸妈会坚强的活下去,爸爸会去给你扫墓,看看你的。

安息吧,玉娇。家人永远不会忘记你,永远愿爱女玉娇一路走好。
My dear daughter, rest in peace. Don’t worry about us, your mother and I will remain strong in our remaining years. We will sweep your grave and honor you. Your family will never forget you. May you keep walking peacefully on your journey in the afterlife.

父亲李连庆悲悼
-Your father, Lianqing Li

我眼中的豆豆 – 来自妈妈 (from mom)

活泼可爱充满爱心,喜欢关心照顾别人

1990年1月23日,我的宝贝豆豆出生了,3.4公斤,小小的好可爱, 是个腿细长的小美女,腿长长的,手也长长的。刚出生的时候对妈妈充满依恋,也有点顽皮呢,一直哭直到护士把她放在妈妈的怀里,才停止哭闹。
On January 23rd, 1990, baby Kexin was born at 7.5 lbs. She was such a cute girl, with slender legs and dainty hands. She came out instantly attached to mom and showed her naughty personality when the nurse took her away by continuously crying, only stopping when the nurse put her back in mom's arms.

我们家豆豆,特别喜欢动手和做手工,2周半就开始上幼儿园,在幼儿园里,豆豆最喜欢用橡皮泥捏各种小人和小动物,心灵手巧的豆豆还获得了“手工小能手”的称号。
As a toddler, Kexin took a liking to art and crafts. She went to preschool at 2 and a half years old, where she liked to play with clay and make people and animal figures. She gained a reputation at school for being nimble with her hands.

5周岁7个月的时候,豆豆开始上小学了,豆豆勤奋好学,善于表达自己的对生活的感悟,多次取得双百的成绩,荣获三好学生, 以全年级第一名的优秀成绩升入小学四年级。豆豆也喜欢用画画来表达自己,三年级的时候,她的绘画“我的家园”荣获国家三等奖,五年级的时候,画了“一颗爱心连着一个小男孩和一个小女孩,”主题为女孩男孩都需要被关爱和呵护。

豆豆也很有演讲天赋,从四年级开始在升旗仪式上代表全校学生讲话。五年级参加演讲比赛荣获第二名。
Kexin started elementary school before she turned 6. She was a diligent student and became one of the top pupils at her school. Her love of art remained, and she became adept at channeling her emotions through artistic expression. Her artwork received awards in national art contests.

12周岁的时候,豆豆上初中了,豆豆长大了开始为别人着想,也很坚强,有一次豆豆得了阑尾炎,手术后一星期后就自己开始去上课,并告诉我说“妈妈,你回去吧,我自己在学校就好,你的学生在学校等着你上课呢。”

我们豆豆一直都很优秀,高中的时候荣获全德州地区第40名,在大学期间荣获国家级奖学金,参加英语演讲比赛打败英语专业的学生荣获二等奖。
Kexin had a strong will and always put other people first. In middle school, Kexin had a bout of appendicitis. A week after the surgery, she wanted to go back to school. She told me, "Mom, I'm ok. I want to go back to school. You should go back to your school, your students are waiting for you." Her academic excellence continued through high school and college.

在家里,看到我忙的时候,会主动帮忙。看到我生气的时候,会不停的搂搂你抱抱你,做各种小鬼脸直到逗到你开心为止。
Throughout her childhood until she left home, Kexin was always helpful around the house. When she saw me upset, she would come give me a hug and make funny faces until I was happy again. I will always remember her funny faces, and I hope she is still making them, wherever she has gone on to now.

你永远是妈妈的宝贝。妈妈永远爱你。
You will always be my baby, mum loves you forever!