I never thought a funeral could be beautiful But our daughters most definitely was, it was very small with only immediate family. Lanis guests were welcomed with a song both her Daddy and I chose, you are my sunshine. " we held each other so tight and listened to the words, "The other night dear, when I lay sleeping I dreamt I held you in my arms, when I woke dear I was mistaken so I hung my head and I cried" Lani was then bless for the second time, a chosen celebrant Venessa Leigh hosted the ceremony, she read words which will stick with my forever "An angel in the book of like wrote down your daughters birth. She whispered as she closed the book, to beautiful for earth" it's a nice but hard to accept way of looking at loosing your child. A second song Tim chose was played, Hero by Enrique the words in that song which get us every time are "I just want to hold you, oh I just want to hold you, now would you die for the one you love? Hold me in your arms tonight" and the truth is every single person in that room on that day I know would have traded thier life for our babies and that's why we chose to have each of you there. 

A letter was read which I wrote as a goodbye to Lani, I told her that she was the most beautiful and best thing that has ever and will ever happen to her father and I, I told her how desperately we wanted to see her grow into a little girl and that she is loved by so many along with a poem for our Angel. The celebrant spoke about Lani and her family, her uncles her aunties her cousins her nans and pops and read other prayers. 

Lanis final rest song was Feels like home, I chose this for her day. whilst this played our family went and said thier goodbyes to our baby girl. Lanis coffin was open and she honestly looked so beautiful I wish I could have picked her up and taken her home. We watched Lani get many kisses, hugs and blessings. She was buried with a Cross that her daddy bought for her, a mother and daughter pendant, a teddy, a blanket made by her Aunty dellice, a dream catcher from her Minnie, a unicorn and snow shaker from her Aunty Karri and Sophie, her nan Naomi's headband which she wore to the funeral and other beautiful keepsakes from loved ones. 

Her Dad and Pop carried her tiny casket to the car which we held her in to the cemetery, we poured tears on to her coffin and kissed it so many times. She was lowered like a beautiful Angel on two Pink ribbons. We held each other and cried. 

At 40 weeks and 5 days I'd been having regular contractions just like any other pregnancy, I excitedly but also nervously told my boyfriend and my family. 

We headed to Nepean hospital 5 days overdue, Lanis car seat was installed and we had our hospital bag. Everything was prepared for and we were ready to be parents. We entered the Birth Unit and was attended to by a midwife we checked my obs, latex me on heart monitors and prepared the ultrasound machine. I just couldn't stop smiling even when I got that strong pain ripping through my body every 10 minutes or so I still just couldn't wrap my head around the fact we were going home with our Daughter. 

In the room was myself, Lanis dad Timothy my Dad and my step mum Naomi and the midwife, she ran the machine over my bump and couldn't detect her heartbeat no body was worried in that instant as all four of us had been for my appointment just 4 days earlier and we all heard her big strong healthy heartbeat. The midwife said 'oh this is quite common, I'll grab another machine' & left the room. My dad looked at me I could see the fear in his face even though he tried so hard to hold it in and he said "when did you last feel her move" she moves all the time I said! 

The midwife came back, I told her 'no check her, this is where her heartbeat is the strongest' and the silence in the room was earth spinning. She called a doctor to come and do a formal ultrasound, I closed my eyes the entire time. I knew what he was about to tell me, but I didn't believe it until I say for myself. The waves which usually beat were still. There was no sound after about 15 minutes he looked at me and said "I'm sorry" that's it, figure the rest out on your own is exactly what I felt. He left me with time to ourselves. I don't remember to much from here on it mostly a blur though I do remember Naomi scream at the doctor, save her do something for her. And he simply said there's nothing that we can do.

I was given 2 choices, to be induced then and there or go home and wait for labour to commence naturally. Whether our daughter was going to be breathing or not I wanted to stick to my original Birth plan and bring her into this world how I'd imagined.

I went home, I sat next to my daughters empty car seat and kept asking why why why why us? I never heard anything that I wanted to. I heard some horrible stuff from people all meant good but some times nice things that you say to a parents who's just lost thier child is looked at upon all different perspectives. 

At about 11.30 pm that same night my contractions were getting closer and stronger so we all went back to the hospital together. I was first put in a room with a family. I assume who were over the moon because their babies heart beat monitor was turned up loud and very healthy I just sat emotionless, I am so grateful for Tim who pulled the midwife aside and within 1 minute we had our own room. 

My waters hadn't broken so whilst me and Tim bunked in the hospital bed together with Naomi, Julie (Lanis Nan) and my Dad all asleep or drifting in and out on the floor. A midwife had scheduled for my waters to be broken at 5.30AM when that time came I had just fallen asleep so I was left to rest, at 8.36 my waters broke naturally, by 10.36 my daughter was delivered. During that two hours I can't remember a lot I was given 2 doses of morphine, an epidural and a lot gas I know I delivered with my mum, my step mum, my mother inlaw my nan and most importantly my boyfriend in the room & I do know that Tim cut Lanis umbilical cord and that makes me the proudest mum ever.

when you know your baby is going to be born still you really don't know what to expect so when My daughter was placed in my arms I was absolutely amazed, I had never witnessed anything so beautiful pure and amazing in my entire life, my boyfriend looked my in the eye and he said you done so well baby. 

we held our little girl, we kissed her, cuddled her, whispered to her, we told her we loved her and how sorry we were. we wiped her bottom and put her nappy on, dressed her in a pink singlet with a cost onsy on top and a beanie. She was wrapped by both her father and I, 

I left that very night.. Walking away from our daughter was the hardest things I've ever had to do, I could have held her forever though my beautiful girl was changing in my arms. I couldn't bare to see that any longer, I wanted to remember her of the beautiful girl which she was and which she always will be. 

I underwent testing for all different things, when your baby dies inside of you you feel like you've failed not only your baby but yourself. Finding out I was not at all to blame did help me a little though not being able to find out the cause of Lanis death leaves me wonder every single day.